Author's Note:
Hey guys. I've been having so much trouble writing while keeping up with all my homework so sorry this took so long. I hope you like it despite it's having taken so long to finally come.
Ch. 12 – Pain
Delia watched from under her eyelashes, pretending to be listening to the droning lecture Professor Binns was reading them. He was particularly boring as it was the last class on a Friday and everything seemed less relevant. Serena was sitting with her reinstated boyfriend Huck despite the fact that he'd cheated on her. Rather then looking bubbly and cheerful over her "new" relationship she seemed dejected and moved her chair away when Huck brushed her hand.
Delia twisted her head farther and stopped pretending to be listening. She couldn't understand Serena. If Serena liked Remus why would she break up with him? The only answer Delia could come up with was a lack of self-confidence. Serena had been in a lot of relationships. Maybe she thought she was too bad to be dating the "good kid". But how could she not be sure of herself. Insecure people were supposed to try and blend in. Serena's sapphire blue hair did nothing of the sort.
With relief, Delia jumped out of her seat when the class ended. She grabbed her papers, which had nothing but doodles on them, and followed Serena and Huck out of the door.
"Serena," she called as they left the classroom. "Hold up."
"I'll catch up with you later," Serena muttered to Huck and practically yanked her hand from his grasp.
"Sure." He shrugged and swaggered away, unbothered by his girlfriend's frigidity.
"What's up?" Serena lifted her shoulders in a distinctly defensive position, the way one might hunch over when walking into an icy November wind.
"I just," Delia stumbled. She couldn't confront her friend when she was looking so down and out. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Serena's shoulders relaxed slightly. "I'm fine, why?"
"I er—do you have a cold or something? You seem a little out of sorts," Delia lied.
"Actually yeah," Serena's face visibly relaxed at the cover story Delia had provided her. "Yeah I have been feeling a little out lately. I think I'll go see the nurse."
"You want some company?" Delia knew the loneliness as soon as it surfaced.
"No." The answer came too quickly. "I mean, no thanks," Serena recovered. "I don't want to get you sick too."
"Okay." She started to walk away. "Serena," Delia called without thinking of what to say.
"Hm?" Serena turned a few paces away.
"Just—er—take care of yourself," Delia came up with the best way to put her feelings into words. "Okay?"
Serena smiled in the implied meaning. "I will. Don't worry about me."
As she watched her friend turn the corner Delia sighed and frowned. "How can I help but worry?" she whispered to the empty corridor.
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Serena wandered the halls in the general direction of the Hospital Wing with no intention of actually approaching the nurse. She glanced out the windows as she passed them, briefly glimpsing bits of the brightly lit grounds and the moon reflected on the lake. As she walked by the entrance to the actual Hospital Wing she found the door slightly ajar.
Without anything else to do, she peered cautiously through the crack. She almost left when she recognized his voice but curiosity kept her stationary.
"It's worse," he said quietly, almost mournfully. "I've never had a more painful transformation then last night, I can't understand why."
"Don't worry dearest," the nurse comforted him. "I'm sure there's a reason. I just got a new book from the library, we'll look there." Silence for a moment, "Here it is."
"What does it say," he seemed almost out of hope, his tone lightening only the slightest.
Silence again as the motherly woman read the passage. "Have you been though any stressful experience between the two transformations, any guilty conscience, unfinished business? Was anything weighing particularly on your mind before you transformed, even as you transformed?"
"I don't know," there was a legitimate quiver in his voice now.
"It says that such strong feelings make you more human, and therefore more difficult to transform," she told him comfortingly. "I'd recommend trying to clear your mind before you transform to make it as painless as possible."
"I will," he answered, "Thank you." Serena heard the bed springs creaking before she realized what it meant and barely got her head out of the way of the opening door.
"Serena?" Remus gazed at her with shock and not anger in his eyes.
"Hi," Serena mentally kicked herself for eavesdropping. "I—er—I uh, the door was open, and I—I."
"Don't worry, I understand," Remus answered levelly. "How are you?"
"I, um, I'm good?" Serena answered, awkwardly sticking her hands in her pockets and shifting feet. "And how are you?"
"I—"
"How come you never said it was hurting more to transform?" Serena cut him off.
"I didn't think you'd care to know," Remus told her plainly. She could see the pain under his carefully composed expression.
"Of course I care," she whispered, "It's my fault."
"No it's not," Remus told her before she finished. "I've been behind on work lately because of prefect duties, that's it." Serena recalled Professor McGonnagall thanking him for handing in his essay early just the day before.
"Oh well, I hope you get some time to catch up," she answered quietly, accepting the lie rather then mustering the energy it would take to argue.
"Thank you."
They stared at each other for a long moment. They both had bags under their eyes, although Remus's were rather darker. Serena hardly had the old lightness in her look; to the contrary she seemed to fit in among the shadows of the darkening corridor.
"Well I'd better—" Serena started.
"Yeah, I uh, I have to get going too," Remus followed.
"Yeah, er, bye," Serena started to speed walk away.
"Take care," Remus called after her, half moving to step towards her. Serena hesitated.
"Thanks." She walked away.
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"Hey Lils," James smiled as he walked into the Heads Common Room and dropped onto the couch.
"Hey." Lily put the finishing touch on her potions essay. "How was practice?"
"Exhausting," James sighed, "But they'll lighten up in two weeks, last week to study for the NEWTS."
"Don't remind me," Lily gave him a hug as he stood. "Oh yeah, in the midst of all your studying, (James snorted) make sure you remember Petunia's wedding is next weekend. Remind Sirius and Remus for me, will you? I would ask Peter too but she said six including me. I don't want to push it, I'm surprised she even invited me."
"Don't worry, I gotcha covered," James gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Get some sleep, you look as tired as I feel."
Lily smiled to disguise the depression she'd been feeling as of late. "I will," she promised.
"I'm going to jump in the shower then," James smiled in response. "Goodnight."
"Night." Lily entered her room and shut the door quietly behind her. Without any sort of end of the day routine she kicked off her shoes, slipped into bed and closed her eyes. She listened to the water running in James's shower, and then the wind outside when that ended. She flipped sides and buried her face in her pillow, after an hour she sat up and flicked on a light.
For the first time in months Lily really looked around her room, in one corner was her dress from the ball, carelessly thrown away in her grief. Lily slipped out of bed and picked up the shimmering blue dress. The fabric was fluid and weightless in her hands.
Quickly, Lily strode to her closet and hung the dress inside, she felt tears coming on as she strode through the room picking up clothes and various other objects and organizing them. In record time, it seemed, the room was spotless. Eager for something else to occupy her mind, Lily started on her nightstand.
Various photo albums and journals and letters and notepads were organized before she found the brown paper wrapping and CD. The tears came full on now as Lily gazed at the two objects in her hands. She reached over to her stereo and put the CD in, pressed play.
I'll sing you a song if you go to sleep,
I'll sing you a song in the night.
Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.
I'll dry the tears in the dusky dawn,
I'll dry the tears when we wake.
The storms only passing,
It'll go on its way,
And on that new dawn I'll chase the sorrows away.
I'll sing you a song if you hold me close,
I'll sing you a song if you smile.
Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.
I'll dry the tears in the new sun,
I'll dry the tears in the warmth.
The Lord will provide,
He'll warm our hearts,
And in his sweet love we will thrive.
Hush now, hush now,
I 'm singing my song of goodbye.
Lily eyes stung but she rubbed them furiously. She glanced at the note and reread the words.
Thank you for caring. Merry Christmas, Lily.
May you stop running and cut off your demons.
And then, beneath those two was a third line in a less neat script.
Goodbye.
The tears came in earnest now, and Lily did nothing to repress them.
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"You're sure you don't want me to come?" Sirius asked for the thirtieth time that morning as they stood in the doorway of the entrance hall.
"Sweetie," Delia smiled and pecked his lips lightly, "I'm sure. I need to do this alone," she added in a more serious tone.
"If that's what you want," Sirius answered with still a bit of hope in his voice.
"It is." Delia stood on tip toes to whisper in his ear. "I'll be back before you know it. Try no to miss me too much, and don't do anything too stupid."
"Would you love me if I didn't do millions of things too stupid to imagine?" Sirius asked, holding out his arms.
Delia let him win this fight. "Perhaps not," she admitted. "But I'd still be particularly fond of you."
"Who isn't?"
Delia laughed. "Reign in the cockiness a bit, you don't want Lily to hear you talking like that."
Sirius mock shuddered. "Be careful," he advised.
"I'll be fine," Delia answered. "What the worst that can happen? One of the knight bus chairs will run me over?"
"Hey that's happened to me before," Sirius told her honestly. "It hurts."
"You lived." Delia smiled, "I'll be back before you know it."
Sirius smiled in response and kissed her lightly, "I love you; you know that right?"
"I do. Don't worry." Delia walked out the doors and across the grounds towards Hogsmeade and Sirius watched regretfully, wishing he could accompany her on one of the most difficult journeys she'd ever have to make.
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Delia gazed out the knight bus window and wished she'd let Sirius accompany her. She could use his jokes to keep her mind occupied on the long trip to France. If only her birthday was a month sooner she could Apparate.
With nothing else to occupy her mind, Delia slipped into a daydream of the past.
"Betcha you can't catch me," she called over her shoulder as she leaped a hedge in the ordered gardens of Beauxbatons. The courtyard rang with laughter, Delia's and his as they played tag like little children.She rounded a corner and lost the sound of his feet behind her. She hid behind a perfectly manicured phoenix shaped bush and waited, keeping her giggles at a minimum. A minute passed by, two. She crept slowly out from behind the bush and stepped into the main path. She backtracked slightly and peered around the corner. All she saw were perfect rows of brightly blossoming flowers.
"Robby," she whispered playfully, "I'm the one who's supposed to be hiding; you're supposed to find me." She waited another thirty seconds. "Robby."
No answer.
"Robby," her voice rose as she began to worry. "Robby?" she screamed.
"HA!" He jumped from behind a bush; this one griffon shaped, and tackled her to the ground. The two lay on the dirt path laughing hysterically. "Worried about me?" Robby propped his head up on his fist to see her face.
"Not at all," Delia lied. "Just curious."
"Curiosity killed the cat."
"And satisfaction brought it back." Delia chuckled. "Why does everyone use that expression on me?"
"Because everyone can see it applies."
"But you," Delia flipped her head to the side to look at him, "You're more curious then I."
"Am I?" He asked.
"You are." Delia looked up at the blue sky again. "That's why you were trying to read my diary over my shoulder again last night."
"Just a peek?" he asked for the millionth time.
"No," she answered firmly but with a hint of amusement. "If you want to know what I think about something you can ask. I'm not going to tell you, or show you in this case, something you don't ask about."
"Fine, what did you write in your diary?" he asked.
"That's cheating."
"Fine, be stubborn, but forgive me if I never trust your word again."
"You're impossible."
"To the very end." Delia could hear the smile in his voice.
"Look at that cloud," Delia pointed at the fluffy white form drifting above them. "It looks like two wands crossing."
"And that one's a dragon." Robby pointed out.
"A phoenix." Delia contradicted.
"No, it's definitely a dragon."
"Phoenix."
"Dragon."
"Phoenix."
"I'll agree it's a phoenix if you let me read just one entry from your journal." He added hopefully.
"It's a dragon."
"Damn."
They waited a few minute in silence for new clouds to drift overhead. "That looks a little like Madame Dolerite's wig," Delia pointed out.
She was rewarded with his deep chuckle. "You're right." He said quietly. They continued to lie in silence. "Look at that one, he pointed to the right a bit, it's a heart."
"Yeah," Delia gazed upwards dreamily. She smiled slightly as she felt his hand take hers and hold it in his warm grasp.
With a start, Delia snapped back to reality. The bus took a swift turn and her bag fell from her lap, it's contents spreading across the floor. On her hands and knees, Delia scurried to gather everything together before the bus made another unexpected lurch. The last thing she recovered was the leather bound journal she had just been thinking of.
"Merry Christmas, Delia," he pulled a thin package from inside his pocket. "To record all of our adventures together in," he smiled at her joy as she took the diary from his hands. "So one day we can reread it together and laugh at all the awful situations we get ourselves into."
"Thank you," Delia looked up at him. She felt her eyes growing bright with tears so she hugged him before he'd notice. "It means a lot to me."
"I didn't think it'd mean this much," Robby pulled back and studied her face. "You're very welcome."
"I'll write everything down," she promised.
"And I'll get to read it?"
"Someday, perhaps." Delia smiled coyly.
"I thought you'd give me an answer like that," Robby admitted. "But I'd rather hoped you wouldn't.
"I will let you read it," Delia promised. "Someday in the not so very near future."
"And if I don't make it that long?" he asked jokingly.
"Don't joke about stuff like that," she answered in a dark monotone.
Instantly he caught her discontent. "I'm sorry," he grabbed both her shoulders and searched her expression. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'll be here forever." He pulled her into a tight hug.
"I know you will." Delia hugged him back.
Tears were brimming in Delia's eyes as she thumbed through the parchment pages. Years of their adventures she had recorded, all the memories of the laughter and the tears. Everything she'd ever learned about him she'd written down, and little else.
"L'Ammore Cemetery, Madame," the conductor told her with a kindly smile as the bus lurched to an unsteady stop.
"Thank you," Delia answered quietly as she stood and walked down the bus stairs. As soon as she was off it shot away like a bullet, leaving her alone before a beautiful cemetery.
Delia wandered between the headstones, picking wildflowers as she went and gathering them in a bundle. Near the back of the cemetery, beneath a withered old oak like the one the swing at Beauxbatons had hung from, was a small marble phoenix. Beneath it's talons it read:
Robert William Phillips
Beloved son, beloved brother, beloved friend
Delia's tears watered the grass as she kneeled before the headstone and bent her head. "Oh Robby, if only you'd know how I loved you too, how I still love you too. You were just braver then I. You were stronger then I." She wept bitterly for the pain she'd caused him. "I was too cowardly to tell you how desperately I loved you too."
All of a sudden a strong wind swept through the branches of the oak tree and Delia collapsed onto the soft grass.
"Delia," his voice had the same loving tone she was used to.
"Robby, where are you?" she asked as she opened her eyes and looked at the whiteness all around her.
"I'm here." He answered.
"Where," Delia stood and spun in circles, looking for anything but white.
"Right where I've always been."
"But—"
"Stop arguing," he recommended. "Just believe." Out of the whiteness he approached her, he himself dressed entirely in white.
"Oh Robby," she stood and threw herself into his arms, smelling the same old familiar scent. "I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you, I should have told you how much I love you."
"Hush," he stroked her hair reassuringly. "I think I knew in my heart all along that you felt the same. I had determined that I'd ask you gain come September, but I never got that chance."
"I have my diary, that you gave me," she held up the leather book.
"Keep it," he tucked it back into the bad slung across her shoulders. "I know what you wrote of now, and you'll need it more then I."
"How is this possible," Delia asked after a few moments of simply enjoying the feel of his embrace once more. "You're not—"
"Alive? No," he shook his head. "No, I'm dead, but I've been here all along, waiting for you. You just didn't know how to find me."
"But I could find you again? I can come back?" she pleaded.
"No, I'm afraid not, this is no place for the living. I'm one of the few dead who have been able to remain here, and you're one of the few living who have been able to visit. It requires a certain, power, that you have, but you're not to learn about that just yet."
Delia ignored the second part of his answer. "Why can't I return? Why can't I come see you again?"
"I'll leave here after this, I have no choice. This place is for people who cannot go on peacefully to the next life without speaking one last time to someone among the living." Robby smiled sadly. "After this I'm going on my last journey."
"Can't I go with you?"
"I'm afraid not."
"But why?" Delia pleaded.
"Because the living have no place among the dead."
"My place, alive or dead, is with you."
He chuckled, the same perfect, deep rumble she remembered. "You're as stubborn as I remember, but no, your place is no longer with me. You do recall a certain charming young man who is waiting for your return?"
"Sirius," Delia whispered quietly. "I'm so sorry Robby, he's so like you, you'd love him if you were alive. I couldn't help but to fall in love with him."
This time Robby laughed full out. "You think I'd be upset about that? I love the man, couldn't have hand picked anyone more perfect for you."
"But, don't you still love me?" Delia asked quietly.
"Of course I do," he answered in a solemn tone, "But what happiness would it do me to see you miserable because of me for the rest of your life. I wanted you to find someone new to love."
"And I did," Delia whispered back, "And he loves me too."
"Then I wish you the best of luck," he began to pull from her embrace.
"Don't leave me," there was a hint of panic in her voice and she held him ever closer.
"I must," he shook his head regretfully. "I've seen you and spoken to you and now I must go."
"But could you kiss me, just one last time?" Delia asked him. He laughed at her but consented, leaning down to press his lips to hers in a last final gesture of love. The moment suspended into eternity as they both realized that the vision wasn't real, and it wasn't made to last.
"I've always loved you, Delia," he promised her as he wiped away the tears. "Death couldn't change that."
"I love you too," Delia swallowed her tears and hugged him closer before releasing.
"Just remember, will you," for the first time since the start of their meeting he seemed less then perfectly calm. "You'll have some rough times ahead, just remember never to become bitter. Always remember this moment, always remember this feeling, it will keep you human."
"I promise." Delia swallowed as she stepped away so that only their fingers were touching. "I won't forget." He smiled, a smile of complete gratification, then pulled back his hand, and he was gone.
Delia opened her eyes in the flower filled graveyard once more and watched the dappled sunlight filtering through the oak leaves above her. "I'll always love you," the words were carried to her upon the wind. Phantom lips brushed hers.
"You too, I'll love you, forever," she whispered because she knew he heard her.
A/N: Well, that was a little cute happiness at the end of an otherwise quite sad story. Yay for Delia and moving on but not so great for everybody else. I hope you liked it.