Author's Note:
I know it's been ages, but I do have my reasons. I've been swamped with school and work and a one shot I posted a little while ago. In any case, I hope this chapter was worth the wait. I feel like some of what's coming up is sort of predictable but what can I do? Bear with me people, I swear I do have some creativity left…I just have to dig for it.
Disclaimer: JK is an amazing and imaginative woman. I may be too but I'm not as rich as her.
Ch. 13 Reflections
For all the struggle and tears and pain, there's something really easy about recovering from a loss. There's a point when you realize you're not doing anyone any good by reliving all the past and the only way left to go is forward. Then you accept things, and you manage to be happy again, you see the good things and work through the bad instead of viewing every little mishap as the world crashing down around you.
But no matter how well you learn to cope they manage to come up again, when you least expect it, when you think that all the pain and hardship is long since buried. That's the easy point. You have a period of shock, when you can't believe that you're "so weak" that you're all beat up about it again. But after that shock, you realize that forward wasn't the only way to go, but that's the way you decided to go. You had a choice, way back when, and you chose forward rather than backward. Once you make that realization, it's easy to accept what happened, to smile while talking about that loss, to help others recovering from loss.
And there's a joy to it too, not a joy that you lost something—that will always be sad—but a joy that you were put through this difficult time, and you survived it. I don't mean you survived in the sense that you are still eating and breathing, but your soul survived. This weight was put upon your shoulders and you held it up proudly without becoming bitter but rather stronger from the experience.
Delia was thinking as she rode the knight bus back to Hogwarts. She had been happy person over the past year; Lily hadn't even had a clue of the suffering she'd faced at the start of summer. Until she told him, Sirius hadn't had any idea of her times with Robbie at Beauxbatons. But however healed she'd thought she was, as soon as she and Sirius had gotten close the remembrance of Robbie and the time they should have had had her crying again.
At first she was mad, this was in the past, she didn't want it screwing up all her relationships in the future, but it was good Sirius knew now. When was she planning on telling him, on their wedding night? Not that she had any expectations of even thought about marrying Sirius, but still, there would never be a good time to tell your boyfriend that your soul mate was murdered by Death Eaters.
And then, like it was nothing, it really clicked. She wouldn't stop loving Robbie, but she knew well enough now not to try not to love him. But that didn't mean she couldn't love Sirius too, that didn't mean she had to be a torn up and emotional wreck all the time.
She was reminded of a quote she read in the quote book her mother had given her long ago. She dug through her bag and pulled it out. It wasn't very big and had a pretty decorative flower pattern on the front and green binding. She flipped quickly through the pages till she found the one she wanted.
"There's a spiral in the healing process. Some of the things you deal with early on and you think you have laid them to rest, but as you grow and your life changes, they come around again and you get to heal them on a much higher level. This used to really frustrate me, but now I see it is part of the process." – Margot Silk Forrest
Delia smiled at the bus conductor, proud of herself for finally being able to understand the quote. After losing Robbie she'd been angry, yes; she been depressed, yes; she'd been vengeful, yes, but she'd never felt frustrated per se, at least not at the healing process. Now, rereading the quote, she felt like she knew this woman, Margot Silk Forrest. She felt like they'd just had a long heart to heart in which Margot told her all about the year she was widowed, leaving her in charge of three kids all by herself, or her sister dyeing of cancer and wanting her to raise her five children instead of her drunk, good for nothing husband. People who can not only understand, but can relate to a quote like that, she thought, we need to stick together.
Before she knew it they were stopping beside the winged boar sculptures and the conductor was offering to carry her purse for her, as if she needed someone to carry the one bag for her. As she was stepping off the bus he handed her a scrap of paper before jumping back on and speeding away.
Randy Shunpike 492 663 8998 was scrawled on the paper in a cramped handwriting. Delia laughed to herself for a minute before heading up to the castle, thinking of what Sirius would think of the offer. Apparently her smile had been far more alluring then she'd imagined.
The laughter faded after a minute and Delia went to toss the scrap away but thought better of it and stuffed it in her oversized handbag with a chuckle. She'd save it for when she needed a laugh again in the future; Robbie's warning was at the back of her mind. Until that short walk up to the castle she'd disregarded it, preferring to dwell instead on the vision of his face and his smell and his warmth. But now it popped up again, refusing to be buried any longer.
He'd been worried she'd become, what was it? Bitter. He thought whatever was going to happen to her would make her bitter. Delia fought of a little shiver of cold fear going down her spine. Robbie had died and she hadn't become bitter, what could happen that would be worse then that? Whatever it was she dearly wished it wouldn't happen.
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Sirius hurried back to the Common Room and watched from the window as Delia climbed onto the knight bus. She turned and gave the castle one last glance and he swore she knew he was watching because even from that distance he sensed her eyes flashing the way they did when she was both flattered that he cared so much and slightly offended that he thought she couldn't care for herself.
He knew she could take care of herself; that was the problem. He wanted to be able to comfort her but she didn't want to be comforted, she thought that made her weak. Needing help didn't mean she was weak, it meant she was human. But she was fighting it, she was fighting her very nature as a human and he was worried about her.
With a slightly resentful shake of the head, Sirius settled down in the window seat, preparing himself for a long and stiff day.
Four hours later found Sirius still in the Gryffindor Common Room window seat, his head lying against the glass panes and a vacant expression filling his eyes. Lily stopped short at the foot of the girls' stairs, seeing him sitting there, looking like a star in some angst druggie teenage muggle movie. She almost laughed at the idea of explaining movies to Sirius but the giggle died before it left her lips.
She changed her mind about going to the library, her divination essay could wait; it was all just a load of rubbish anyway.
"Hey you," she walked over to Sirius's window, sitting at the other end of the wide window seat. "What are you doing here, all by yourself, for hours?"
Sirius looked up and gave her a little smile, flicking the hair back from him eyes with a toss of the head. Lily smiled a bit at the gesture, half of the Hogwarts females would have swooned seeing him toss his hair like that, and for once he hadn't even been trying to make anyone pass out. "I'm waiting."
"How come?" Lily smiled; she knew exactly who and what Sirius was waiting for.
"Because I'm worried."
"But why are you worried?"
Sirius gave her an exasperated look. "Why do you think?"
With a smile and a provoking smile Lily sighed. "Must you answer a question with another question?"
"You just did," he reminded her.
Lily grimaced. "You have a point. Well, I already know what I think," she answered. "What I don't know is what you think."
"I think you're being nosy," he replied.
"And I think you're being stubborn," Lily raised an eyebrow.
Sirius turned to look back out the window. It was just past noon and the sun was reflecting prettily off the Great Lake but he simply glowered at the harsh glare blinding him. "I don't know, exactly," he answered finally. Lily waited patiently for him to continue. "I guess I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm worried about her doing this alone, I don't want her to have to face going to his grave alone, but I have no place there. Robbie's from another life, before I had anything to do with her.
"I'm worried about losing her, not to another guy exactly, but to grief. I'm scared she'll come back and be traumatized and she'll miss him too much. She doesn't like to show that she's in pain; I'm worried she won't let me help her. I'm worried she'll shut me out.
"And I'm worried about the stupidest things too," he laughed cynically. "I'm worried that the knight bus will crash, or that she'll trip and sprain her ankle at the cemetery, that some random French guy will hit on her and he'll remind her of Robbie, even that she'll get a hangnail and it'll really hurt." He looked at Lily imploringly. "I'm just worried that something will go wrong and I won't be there to stop it." He turned to watch the rippling waters of the Great Lake again.
Lily didn't say anything for a long time; so long that Sirius faced her again. She was wearing the most curious expression. She looked like she was dreaming, her face curved into an angelic smile of wonderment. Sirius shook his head at her, "What?" he asked.
"James doesn't talk like that to me anymore," she smiled and giggled lightly, she wanted to cry in happiness. "But he used to, he used to all the time. You really love her don't you?"
Sirius shared her look of amazment for a moment. "Yeah," he said more to himself them to Lily. "Yeah, I guess I do."
Lily laughed out loud now, throwing back her head and holding nothing back. "You are the sweetest thing," she finally said. "Who would have thought you'd end up being more sensitive then James, the boy who fell in love at eleven and didn't give up for six whole years."
"Hey, I don't want you getting some emotional view of me," Sirius joked. "I'm nowhere near as sappy as James. I still don't understand how any person can have that much feeling...or write that many crappy love poems," he added as an afterthought.
"James wrote poems about me?" Lily asked wide-eyed. Sirius just nodded, smirking a bit knowing how embarrassed James would be of them. "Well I'll just have to make him give me those later," Lily added to herself, then she turned back to Sirius. "Just because you won't admit it doesn't mean you don't have a sap somewhere inside there," Lily leaned forward and poked Sirius right in the stomach, catching him unawares; he'd stopped paying attention to her romantic and poem-desiring side a whole minute before. "You did just prove my theory with the hangnail statement."
Sirius did smile at that. "That one is a bit over the top isn't it?" he asked.
"Just a bit." Lily smiled, "She'll be fine. Delia's been fending for herself for a long time, she's an independent woman, would you love her if she was anything else?"
"No," Sirius shook his head. "I always did get annoyed with really clingy, needy girls."
"Well there you go," Lily patted his knee reassuringly. "Are you really going to sit here all day? She won't be back till twilight."
Sirius gave her a sad smile that said quite clearly, what else could I do?
Lily smiled back knowingly. "Want me to bring you up some lunch?" she asked.
"You know how to read my mind," he responded with a smile but his attention had spun back to the window. Lily ruffled his hair knowing how it bothered him and headed for the portrait hole.
She paused just as it opened. "Don't forget, tomorrow's Petunia's wedding," she reminded him. He just waved a hand lazily at her so she shook her head and left him to his 'vigil'.
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"Oh James, come on!" Lily pleaded for the millionth time as they packed. "I want to see those poems. I'm not looking forward to all this family time with Petunia and my lovely new relatives the Dursley's. You have to give me something to look forward to."
"Really Lily," James protested, stuffing several pairs of socks into his trunk. "You don't want to read them. They're childish and immature and silly and very embarrassing. Remind me to kill Sirius during the wedding, now you have something to look forward to," he added.
"No." Lily stomped her foot and put her hands on her hips. Framed in the doorway with her hair frizzy from just being blow dried she did look rather menacing.
"Lily…" James whined.
"Give them to me," she insisted.
"Or what?"
"Or I'll make sure you get stuck sitting with Vernon's parents; they have a very interesting drill company I'm sure you'll be fascinated by for the nine course meal we're having," Lily threatened sarcastically.
James groaned and sat on the bed, head in hands, his last defenses downed. Lily walked forward and sat next to him. "I promise not to laugh, too hard."
James chuckled and reached for his nightstand, opening the drawer, then the trick bottom to grab a notebook of poems and observations he'd made of Lily. He held it out to her with a big sigh. "Just so you know," he said before letting go, "you are not allowed to file for a restraining order after you read this. I warned you and you said you wanted it any way."
"I promise," Lily huffed, tearing the notebook from his hand and sitting back on the bed with a malicious grin plastered to her face. She opened the book to a random page and started to read.
Red ocean waves,
Green orbs of power
Over
My
Heart,
Unwillingly flirty head turn,
And blinks quietly,
If only she was trying to be so alluring.
She likes grey.
Lily finished the poem somewhere between crying and laughing. James looked and her uncertainly, puzzled by the array of emotions playing lightly across her countenance. "Sweet, are you okay?"
"Okay?" Lily stammered. "Why are you so perfect?" she demanded.
James stared at her blankly. "Sorry?"
"No, no, no, don't apologize," Lily pleaded. "Please don't. I should be sorry. I'm such a bad girlfriend. You wrote all this poetry about me but if you looked in my diary from just a year ago," she hesitated, "all the awful things I wrote about you!"
"Aw now, don't go making me feel guilty for loving you," James said lightheartedly, "I could hardly help it. If it makes you feel any better, we can just agree that you were in denial for a long time."
"A very long time," Lily agreed.
James smiled and kissed her nose, "Stop worrying, you're well worth the wait."
"I should get back to packing," Lily looked through his door and hers to the complete mess that was once her room. "I'm keeping this," she informed James, holding up the notebook.
He smiled. "I figured you would."
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"Lily dearest," Petunia called in a girly high voice as she rushed towards her 'beloved' sister. "How have you been? You look thin."
Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes at the fake display of love but smiled sweetly back at the girl who had made her summers miserable for several years now. "Yes, I'm afraid I may have lost some weight lately away at the Academy, so much work you know, and especially with the extra duties of being Head Girl."
Lily wanted to laugh at the annoyed and slightly jealous expression her sister wore as her soon to be mother-in-law congratulated Lily. With a little burst of guilt she recalled that this was Petunia's day and she was lucky to even be there. "You're even thinner than I am," she added for Petunia's benefit. "Have you been working too hard as always?"
The pleasant surprise on Petunia's face at Lily's concern made her think that maybe they could resolve all the hate surrounding their relationship at last. "You know me, always keeping busy, especially with all the dress fittings and rehearsals and such." Petunia's wedding was a big old-fashioned wedding with every second and third cousin coming to the big cathedral in the city and then a candlelit reception in Bath's huge Sydney Gardens.
"Of course," Lily smiled pleasantly. "I assume you have a lot to do to finish getting ready for the ceremony, don't let me keep you." Lily and her friends had missed all the rehearsal dinners and preparations for the wedding, arriving on the day made it hectic but also minimized the painful amount of time in which they would have to avoid not only using but also talking about magic.
"Yes, thank you," Petunia flushed at the thought of being married in just a few hours, "and are you staying here? You're more than welcome of course, it's your home too, but we can't keep all your friends here too."
"No, no," Lily soothed her. "We're renting out a house James's family stayed in over the summer for all of us. I figured that would minimize," she paused, looking for a good code word, "any mishaps."
Petunia shuddered. "That's good, I don't want any of that nonsense here," she reported.
"Naturally," Lily fought off the aggravation at her sister's careless dismissal of her magic. "We'd best go unpack then," she suggested.
"And I need to get dressed." They hesitated for a moment then gave each other a quick hug and hurried off, each equally confused but slightly hopeful.
"That went," hesitation, "well," James commented from the doorway as she met him at the door. The others were waiting in the car.
"Yeah," Lily smiled up at him, "I think maybe we can become civil again, if not really close like we used to be. I'd like that. I'd really like that." Lily smiled to herself as she drove down the familiar roads, past the epic café, her old employment, even those memories couldn't change her cheerful outlook. There was a wedding today; she was getting along with Petunia; she has an amazing boyfriend, a hilarious brother, and several loyal friends. Nothing was going to ruin this for her.
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"THE CAKE!" Somebody yelled. But they were drowned out by Petunia's ear piecing shriek as the whole three feet of her enormous wedding cake toppled onto an unsuspecting couple.
"How could this happen?" she ran forward, more concerned for the flour construction than her sugar coated guests. "I went to the best bakery in Bath, they had actual engineers find the best possible construction that absolutely WOULD NOT collapse!" She finished her rant with a breathless gasp and then burst into tears and hurdled herself at her new husband.
Lily stood shocked, checking her pale yellow sundress for any signs of staining, and then rounded on her 'beloved' brother who stood chuckling with her even more 'wonderful' boyfriend. With a fake smile plastered on her face she sauntered up to the pair of them and linked her arm with James's. "What did you do?" she whispered, taking a sip of his champagne and acting as any bored girl who wanted to sneak somewhere private with her boyfriend would do. No one could have guessed she knew the real reason that cake had fallen.
"Me?" James looked at her in that guiltily amused way that used to annoy her so much, the eyes clearly showing just how guilty he knew he was. "I didn't do anything. Ask you lovely brother here." He looked pointedly at Sirius who was laughing uncontrollably now, earning him some rather dark looks from several of the older guests.
"I just thought we'd liven things up a bit," he shrugged and then swaggered away towards the mess, commenting to Petunia that he was sure it would taste just as good regardless of what state it was in. This only caused her to soak Vernon's suit coat even further.
Lily shook her head and looked around, knowing any help from her would only remind Petunia just how able Lily's friends were of causing disaster. She didn't want a scene. Serena was chatting with one of Lily's more distant cousins, one of the odd ones with tattoos and body piercings A/N: Not that I have any issue with that. Delia had dragged Sirius away from the cake, which was being rapidly devoured by Vernon's nieces and nephews, to go dance. And Remus was sitting alone at their table, being harassed by some clearly desperate girl with far too much makeup.
"Aw, poor Remy," Lily pointed him out to James. "He doesn't know what to do."
James laughed and waved to his friend who was begging them with his eyes to come save him. "Think I should lend a hand?"
"Hm," Lily cocked her head to the side. "Maybe we should let them be for a while. She really seems to be getting somewhere." They burst into secretive laughter as the flirt giggled in an obnoxiously high pitch and laid her hand on Remus's shoulder.
"Nah, he'll jinx me later for this," James gave her hand a squeeze, "I'll find you later."
Lily stood for a moment, laughing to herself as James sat down next to Remus and laid a hand on his friend's thigh, clearly choosing to mortify Remus while saving him. The girl looked back and forth between the two of them and James's openly protective glare and excused herself.
Still laughing Lily headed for the buffet table. Of a mind to find something alcohol involved to clear her head of Petunia's incessant screaming. She tapped her foot along to the music as she poured herself a glass of champagne, humming.
"Excuse me," Lily spun on the spot and slipped in something—probably frosting—bashing her elbow against the table.
"Ow, ow, ow," Lily held her funny bone, ignoring the broken champagne glass on the ground. "Damn it."
"I am so, so sorry Miss," someone said, "Are you okay?" Lily looked up to say it was all right but she froze.
"What are you doing here?"
"Lily?" Chris seemed to lose the ability to speak. "Wh-what are you doing here?"
Lily raised her eyebrows at him, "Um, Petunia is my sister."
"Uh yeah," Chris scratched his head, clearly uncomfortable. "I—er—I though you were going to be at school." Pause. "Vernon's my cousin, see."
"Oh."
Chris tapped his hand on his leg for a moment. He opened his mouth, than closed it, then opened it again, but bit his lip. "You know I really am sorry for what happened this past summer," he finally worked up the bravery to say.
"Not surprisingly." Lily felt a little guilty for being so cold, but she couldn't believe he'd had the audacity to show up at her sister's funeral.
"Julia and I broke up," he said eventually. "Two weeks after you left for school. We were never as suited as you and I."
Lily rolled her eyes. "That's nice."
"Lily please," Chris begged. "Please just let me apologize. I haven't stopped feeling guilty since the last time I saw you, at your grandfather's funeral." He winced at his own stupidity at bringing up such a tender subject. "I haven't stopped regretting it either. Please just let me apologize if nothing else, I don't know what I could ever do to try and make it up to you."
She opened her mouth for a sharp insult but rethought it. He sounded sincere, and what was the point of holding grudges for almost a year.
"You were saying?" James voice growled from behind her as he walked forward and slipped an arm around Lily's waste. She was reminded of his look at the girl flirting with Remus but somehow couldn't find the courage to laugh.
"I—er—nothing," Chris stepped back, justly cautious of the deep-set hate burning in his eyes.
"That's right. Nothing." James pulled Lily a little tighter. "Do you know how long I loved this girl? Do you know how much I love this girl? More than you could manage to love someone. And do you know how long I waited for her to love me back? Do you know how many bloody assholes like you I've had to watch break her heart? Do you know how badly I wanted to help her and knew that I couldn't? Do not try to put her through hell again. I never want to see scum like you anywhere near her, again."
"I'm sorry," Chris held up his hands defensively. "I was just going."
"James, stop," Lily pulled away. "Chris was apologizing. It's been almost a year, I think its time to let go." She emphasized the last word, and James quickly released his iron grip on her side. "Chris, what's past is past. Just let it go."
He smiled quickly at her in relief, then glanced up at James nervously and left. "You didn't have to be so mean," Lily accused as she led him back to their table.
"He didn't have to be so here," James answered stubbornly.
"I know," Lily watched Chris until there were too many people in the way. "I think he may have come hoping to find me here and apologize."
"Bloody arse."
"Rather like you," Lily joked, poking him in the side before settling herself back underneath his arm.
"He was trying to get back together with you," James complained.
Lily froze. "Are you, jealous?" she asked, and then laughed aloud.
"No!" James denied it instantly. "I just don't want him bothering you."
"You are jealous," Lily laughed triumphantly. "Well I'm perfectly able to handle him myself, thank you."
"Well fine then," James pretended to be insulted. "I'm off to get a taste of that cake before Sirius eats it all."
Lily hummed to herself as she strolled along the grass, placing her empty champagne glass on an abandoned table as she considered the past year. It was hard to be the old Lily again; the summer and her time with James had changed her that much. Everything was so different; she just saw things differently.
It didn't seem to matter that James had played some irresponsible pranks; when it came to the important things, no one was more responsible and attentive. It didn't seem to matter that Chris had wanted someone to hook up with; hadn't she kissed James earlier that day; hadn't she wanted to do the same, she just had more self-control? It didn't seem to matter that she didn't have perfect grades on every paper, wasn't her ability to cast spells more important than her explaining them on paper? It didn't matter what a girl named Lily Evans really wanted for herself, there were bigger forces at work, and she had a feeling they were all coming to some sort of crossroads, where no one and no magic knew what the outcome would be, and all anyone could do was stick with there gut and hope it was the right feeling to follow.
"Um, Lily?" Chris smiled slightly at her.
"Oh hi," Lily shook her head to clear all the prophetic nonsense; it was much more Delia's style.
"I just," Chris paused, "are you sure?"
"Am I sure about what?"
"Are you sure it's okay?" He asked. "I feel like such as asshole, I am such an asshole, for what I did, and for showing up here today, and for having the nerve to bother you twice in one day."
Suddenly Lily felt the urge to laugh. "Of course it is," she said. "Do you really think it's worth being bitter over anymore? The day we saw you and Julia, James kissed me."
"You moved on that fast, huh?"
Lily chuckled. "No, before I caught you, James kissed me."
There was a pause in which Lily listened patiently to the violin music.
"He did?"
"Mhm."
Chris had the most adorable look cross his face. First he seemed angry, then he looked like he was having an epiphany, and then he started to laugh. "So he's all pissed off at me for cheating, while he was trying to get you to do the same with him? That bloody ass."
Lily laughed at him. "That is exactly what happened. Except me and James actually love each other, you and Julia?"
"I'd call it just about anything but love." They smiled at each other for a few seconds. "Do you want to dance?"
"DUCK!" Lily grabbed Chris's shoulders and shoved him to the ground as a red jet of light shot over their heads. In milliseconds the air was full of shrieks of terror as masked figures apparated all over the place. Horrified people ran every direction, fleeing the unstoppable onslaught of Death Eaters marching across the smooth green grass, obliterating everything in their way. "Get under a table and stay there," Lily ordered Chris. "They're beyond your power to fight."
She didn't watch to see if he followed her order, Lily jumped up and whipped out her wand, silently stunning two Death Eaters who were advancing on her sister. Lily grabbed her shoulder and stuffed a sobbing petunia under the table covered in full wine glasses. She could have laughed at how normal they looked as chaos ranged around them.
"James!" Lily shrieked as she shoved two more petrified muggles under another table and stunned a Death Eater advancing on Delia's back. "James, where are you?"
She scanned the scene quickly, something felt wrong (besides the fact that they were under attack). There were her friends, scattered out and fighting, there were muggles everywhere, running and hiding, a few on the ground unconscious. That was it! They were unconscious, not dead. The Death Eaters weren't killing! Lily didn't have time to puzzle over the oddness of the situation, someone called her name and it wasn't James.
"Well Miss Evans," whispered a voice from right behind her, "Still feel like fighting?"
Lily whipped around to see two Death Eaters holding a rather worse for wear looking Chris. "Chris? Chris, are you alright?"
"I didn't listen, I tried to fight. Lily what the hell is going on? Who are these people?"
"Shut up!" The man slapped Chris across the face. "Surrender to us and we'll let your little boyfriend go."
Lily's eyes flitted from one face to another; realizing that none of her friends realized her needed help, she dropped her wand. That was the last thing Lily remembered.
Author's Note: