Author: Zhampy
Rating: T / PG-15
Genre: Humour/Romance
Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing in the FFVII Compilation. See if you can spot all the references I steal throughout this fic!
Summery: Some weeks later the Silver Elite send Cloud a surprisingly well-made action figure of Sephiroth. Actually, the other fanclubs have mass-produced figures of Genesis and Angeal also. In Sephiroth's office Genesis and Angeal are inspecting their respctive figurines when Cloud is caught redhanded with a Sephiroth one.
Contains: Main pairing is Cloud/Sephiroth with a Zack/Aerith side-dish and some other minor pairings. Some OOCness for humourous purposes, AR, couple of OCs, and occasional foul language.
Modus Operandi
Episode Five – Anatomically Correct
"Ughhh..."
Cloud rolled out of bed and hit the floor. If he'd been fully conscious he'd be thankful that the bottom bunk had been forced on him as his roommate preferred heights. Well, they do say idiots like high places. And speaking of his idiot roommate, Granville had just burst into the room causing Cloud to recoil with pain, and recoil with further pain as his skull hit the unforgiving floor.
"Package for yah!" the blonde announced happily.
He threw the narrow box at Cloud's head oblivious as it bounced off his forehead inciting more pain and igniting a new flame of hatred. Cloud was a very petty individual. Also very hungover, and his too-chirpy-in-the-morning companion really got his goat up... or some such similar metaphor. What I'm saying is that Granville annoyed the heck out of Cloud.
Violence among recruits was forbidden, however. But Cloud wasn't driving his fists over and over into Granville's gut right now because of the rules—no—it was because as Zack's protégé that could damage his friend's career, and if word along the grapevine was true, then Zack was close to First Class promotion.
Grumpily shifting back onto his bed, Cloud began opening the package carefully. It looked too small to be from his mother sneaking him in some nausea medicine, clean underwear and illegal bratwurst. Good lord, if the other cadets discovered he had actual honest to Gaia food in his room, as opposed to that slop the mess labelled as edible, he would be the most popular boy in the barracks—he'd never get any peace!
Oh, wait, no. He'd get the tar beaten out of him and his sausages stolen. Nevermind.
"This is... this is..." Cloud flipped the box to get a better look.
"Oh, hey!" Granville sprung up behind him like a Jack-in-a-box (get off my bed!). Cloud's hands flew up to at clutch his pounding head. The box dropped to the floor between his legs.
"Granville, get out!" he shouted, then immediately regretted it when his own head protested the loud noise.
But his roommate seemed undeterred. "So, yah joined a fanclub, huh? Who'd yah join, huh, huh? Oh!"
As the plain cardboard box had fallen it had revealed its contents to the pair of cadets. It was an object made with lots of love and care by a professional manufacturer. Only the highest quality plastics had been used and all the finer details had been perfectly shaped from the folds of the bare-chested trench coat right down to certain individual strands of long hair. It was maybe 20cm in height with adjustable appendages, and hell, even the fingers could be altered to grasp the intricately painted grip of a long plastic sword. Whoever had designed the original had perfectly captured the facial structure and expression, not to mention that certain poise of body language, and although it were ridiculous to think it; the figurine's eyes seemed to glow in their intensity.
Basically it was a figurine of Sephiroth. Silver Elite was written on the optional stand that came packaged free.
"You joined Silver Elite, Cloud?" Granville sounded dazed. "Wow! No cadet's ever been able tah join the Silver Elite. They're too, um, elite fer us."
Nothing registered in his mind as he stared at the figurine, barely even seeing it. Why? Why, Gaia, why? Why do you hate me? I thought we were cool! Now you're sending me the most awkward gifts on the planet. Mocking little sadist, who knew the Planet could be so cruel. A small place card had fallen from the box along with the figurine which Cloud picked up. Stupefied, he read it;
Cloud Strife,
Congratulations on joining Silver Elite. I am writing this letter personally to you and so I trust you understand what an honour it is to be a member of such an exclusive group. Included is our latest limited addition figurine for all your individual needs.
On a personal note, I must add what a joy it is to welcome someone who has such connections into our fold. Perhaps with your assistance we shall all become much closer to the object of our affections.
We await your contributions to the club with much anticipation.
Yours, Anastasia.
President of Silver Elite.
What the heck!? He really had joined a fanclub? He didn't remember doing that! And clearly they'd only let him join because he were close to Zack who was close to Angeal who was close to Sephiroth.
"Oh, Gaia, I need to stop getting smashed," he held his head in despair.
Granville took the card from his limp fingers. "You gave a letter to the General? You met Sephiroth in person!?"
"What!?" Cloud snatched the card back, his eyes frantically scanning for more information. There was no way he had met Sephiroth by his lonesome. No freaking way. But sure enough, there in tiny print at the bottom of the card, was the proof.
PS. Thank you for delivering our letter to General Sephiroth himself. Enclosed is a copy for your own personal entrainment.
"O-oh, Gaia. I gave this to...?"
It was essentially fanfiction. Well, not essentially. It was literally fanfiction. Real person fanfiction. Real person slash fiction. Starring Sephiroth and his two Lieutenant Generals.
"This is the gayest thing I've ever read. Didn't know yah were a flamin' homo. I'm not really surprised," Granville said from over his shoulder. "Ooof!"
Cloud belted his elbow into his roommate's lungs uncaring to the blonde's desperate gasps for life sustaining air. This was nothing more than absurdity. Damn you, Anastasia! He ignored Granville as the cadet breathed to put in a call for his mother and quickly slipped on his sandals to make a swift exit. No way was he keeping this thing around. No fucking way. He had to get rid of it. But once he was out in the hall—
"Spikey!" That was Zack coming down the hallway. Cloud practically jumped out of his uniform, desperately looking left and right for a place to dump the figurine. He found no such place in an empty hall. "You're off duty right now, right? We should hang! Angeal is in Seph's office. Let's go!"
Oh, god!
Before Zack could get close enough to notice, Cloud quickly stuffed the figurine down the back of his trousers. He kept his back facing away at all times as he were spun around and led in the opposite direction, and if anyone else noticed the strange, lumpy shape slowly falling down his trouser leg they didn't comment on it.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Cloud stood awkwardly in the doorway as Zack pushed by and directed his approach towards his mentor. Not quite sure what to do as his friend had comfortably flopped all over a now ruffled Angeal, Cloud settled for admiring the office. After all, he couldn't very well just walk over and plop himself down in the seat opposite Sephiroth like they were best buddies and hey, I got us takeaway, you like Cajun chocobo, right?
It was a room devoid of personal touches. Not that Cloud knew exactly what Sephiroth's personal tastes were like. It wasn't like he were expecting the walls to be decorated with the heads of fallen foes, or a stuffed Wutaian Commander proudly displayed on a wooden plaque that sang Rule ShinRa, ShinRa Rules the Waves when prompted. Nothing like that at all.
It was a room filled with expensive oak and fancy black marble trim. There was a large marble column off-centre to the left (load-bearing wall, Cloud mused. Must've knocked two offices into one), with a painting of some Wutaian (not burning to the ground) landscape hung on it. At the back of the room Masamune was placed horizontally on two little pegs just enough distance from Sephiroth's head that he could spin around in his chair and grab it to disembowel some unfortunate sap. And a dying plant in the corner.
"You need to water that," Angeal advised Sephiroth.
Sephiroth looked at the browning plant quickly. "Maybe you should take it back. I don't think i'm qualified to care for it."
"It's a plant," Angeal said flatly and with as much dignity as he could muster with Zack pretending to be his scarf. "Just water it."
"How often does it need water?"
"Every other day should be fine."
"You can't give gifts back," Zack mentioned as he removed himself from his mentor, now apparently satisfied the man was sufficiently friendshiped up. "That's rude."
Sephiroth only sighed as he eyed the plant almost nervously. Did he think it would become sentient and run away with his paperwork (that Cloud had noticed the man was guarding quite possessively)?
"It's not going to come alive and make off with your paperwork," Zack unknowingly spoke Cloud's thoughts aloud.
"It had better not," Sephiroth grumbled as he idly shuffled some sheets. "Besides, it's already alive."
"Not for much longer," Cloud muttered before he could stop himself.
Zack laughed. "Cloud knows how it's at! You could look after a plant, couldn't'cha, Spikey?"
"I have a pet cactus called Pete."
No one said anything. And Cloud felt like punching himself. Everyone was staring at him. Then after a few humiliating moments the silence was broken.
"I suppose I could pay it a little more attention," Sephiroth conceded.
Then before anyone else could speak the Lieutenant General Genesis rushed the office. In his excitement he knocked Cloud on his arse with little effort or care, too preoccupied with waving an armful of boxes around. He charged the desk and immediately occupied the seat Cloud had been eyeing.
"The new MLP dolls are in! Oh, good, Zack, you're here too," Genesis breathed heavily. He passed a box to Zack, Angeal and Sephiroth as well. "You have no idea what I had to go through to get these. It was crazy. Kids everywhere! Madness! Okay, okay, calm down, I know you're all excited but hold onto your chocobos!"
All waited patiently for the red-headed man to continue. In an attempt to catch his breath Genesis flopped over the desk messing up all the neatly organised papers. Cloud's mind immediately jumped to images of Sephiroth relieving the Lieutenant of his head, but to Cloud's surprise Sephiroth seemed too preoccupied with his box. Then again, so did Zack and Angeal. Suddenly he felt rather left out.
"Okay," Genesis gasped. "I went out to the toystore midnight opening like I said I was going to, right? So when I get there, to be first in line of course, who's already there? Turks! Turks! Tseng and a few of his worthless plebs. So I told them to get lost and things got a little heated—their fault—and then the clerk came out threatening to call the police if another section of their building caught fire—Tseng's fault—can you believe that? So I get booted out and that smarmy bastard got first picks."
Although he would probably regret it, Angeal had to ask; "so how did you get in?"
"Oh, huh?" Genesis looked up distractedly from his MLP box. "Oh, I kidnapped a kid and pretended I were her dad."
He didn't miss the appalled expressions being thrown his way.
"What? What? I brought her back to her parents. Who cares! Just open your boxes; see what you got. I didn't have time to check before the kid's dad..."
"I do love MLP," Angeal admitted after a short pause.
Zack looks to you—yes, you—the fourth wall. "I am an eighteen-year-old male and am not ashamed to admit that I love MLP. I am a special snowflake."
Maybe he didn't get up off the floor because he were too confused—or surprised—with the situation, but either way, Cloud remained seated on his backside watching with fascination as each man opened their box enthusiastically. Each box quickly revealed its mystery MLP doll: each one was a Vice President Rufus figurine. And now that he could get a clear look at the packaging Cloud could read the name in full; My Little Prez. Collect 'em all!
Now that is some fine propaganda.
"Did you hear about the figurine set with brushable hair? They're very popular with older males for some reason," Angeal was saying without the slightest hint of irony. "I heard there was a big hullabaloo over the Prez's hair not being the right shade of blonde."
Things couldn't possibly get any weirder.
"What shooty mark do yours have?" Genesis asked.
And then things got weirder.
As if it were as normal as taking a walk in the park, or as normal as puking after a visit to Hojo the four SOLDIERs pulled down the Rufus doll's white trousers and paid all their attention to its plastic butt.
"Mine's a rifle," Zack announced.
"A shotgun," Sephiroth said.
"I got Dark Nation," Angeal informed them.
"Aww! You got the special addition, no fair!" Genesis whined. "After all the trouble I went to. Well, whatever. Cloud!"
Cloud started and snapped off a salute automatically.
"At ease, kid," Genesis waved his hand lazily and leant back in his chair. "You're with Zack a lot. Want me to get you a My Little Prez next time too?"
What was with this unfathomable kindness? Just how polar was this man!?
Genesis continued, "because 'Geal and Seph won't admit they like it, and Zack can't get out much."
No, he didn't want a stupid Rufus doll. "I don't... know what..."
"You don't know what My Little Prez is!?" Genesis cut him off impeccably. "What rock have you been living under?"
When he looked away he noticed that Zack looked equally shocked (and maybe a little disappointed?) with his ignorance. "I talk to you about My Little Prez all the time! You've seen my collection," Zack said.
"Right..."
But no more was said about it. Cloud knew that as soon as he were off duty again he would be stolen away to Zack's apartment and shown all these weird Rufus dolls. Had this always been a thing?
"Oh, and also, the new fanclub figurines have arrived," Angeal calmly said as he reached beneath his chair.
There was a pause before Genesis reacted.
"Why didn't you say!? Wasting my time with this crap!" he exclaimed, tossing his My Little Prez doll away and snatching one of the boxes Angeal had produced.
The excitable Lieutenant tore into the box like a ravenous lion on a fresh kill. Cloud's eyes desperately flickered down to the figurine of his own fallen at his feet. But his arms were made of lead and without mako enhancements he found he couldn't lift them. Thankfully Genesis commanded all attention when he where in a room so no one paid the worthless cadet on the floor any heed. The carpet felt nice.
If boxes could radiate light and omit a choir song that's what would have happened as Genesis removed his figurine. It was exceptionally well made—as professional as the Sephiroth figure, and judging by his expression, Genesis himself was more than pleased with it. He held it this way and that, admired its delicately moulded face and the precision folds of the plastic coat, how Rapier had been sculptured and how the manufacturer had perfectly captured his playboy feathered hairstyle. Red Leather was etched into the optional stand. Angeal also looked equally pleased with his own figurine—the attention to detail was amazing as he were posed highlighting his fists rather than the Buster Sword. Keepers of Honour was etched into its stand.
"Did you get a figurine too, Seph?" Zack asked innocently.
"Hmph."
It was at this moment that Zack suddenly remembered again that his protégée had come to the office with him. "Cloud! Come sit here with me." He settled himself on the bay window that had been converted into a makeshift three-person seat.
This invitation, of course, diverted all attention in his direction. No matter how hard someone tried not to see, or no matter how awful their cataracts may have been, it would have been impossible to not see the Sephiroth figurine laying facedown at his feet.
Please be suddenly blind, Cloud futilely begged someone—anyone.
But Someone and Anyone where obviously on their coffee break discussing the game last weekend or something and as such, ignored his request. The Zack and Aerith that had taken up residence in his head were also notably quiet.
"Oh, great!" Genesis exclaimed as he came over and helped Cloud become vertical again. "Now we've got the whole set."
Even if he'd wanted to, Cloud didn't protest when his figurine was snatched away. Supposed it was kind of pointless trying to dispose of it now. Quietly he shuffled over to sit next to Zack in the seat that had clearly not been Sephiroth's decision. The other seats also looked like they had been brought in from a different office too. He discreetly watched the General for any signs of his imminent murder.
Sephiroth did not look pleased. His jaw was set in a disapproving glare entirely directed at the figurine. Not that this saved Cloud from throwback radiation however, causing him to sink in his seat and appear as small as possible. It looked as if the General were trying his utmost best to set the thing on fire simply by glaring at it, and Cloud was actually surprised that the figurine wasn't a plastic, molten puddle by now.
"Hey, look," Genesis grinned. He was looking down the front of his dolls trousers. "I'm anatomically correct."
"Rufus isn't anatomically correct," Sephiroth observed with all the innocence that only a sheltered individual could achieve.
"Why would MLP be anatomically correct? These are children's toys!"
"Who are these for then?" Sephiroth eyed the fanclub figurine of his likeness.
Everyone either ignored the question or couldn't answer. Instead, Genesis took his doll and the Sephiroth doll and opened their arms, then he placed them together in an embrace on the desk.
"There look, Genesis and Sephiroth are best friends," he teasingly grinned.
"Stop that."
But Genesis and his companions only laughed at the General's expense, and despite himself, Cloud had begun vibrating with silent mirth as well.
"Even getting in Seph's doll's personal space is freaking him out!" the Crimson Lieutenant laughed harder.
In one swift movement, Sephiroth deftly pulled the head clean off the Genesis doll.
"Noooo!" Genesis wailed with shock as he were beheaded. He grabbed his headless doll and began kissing it all over, muttering reassuring nothings to it. "It's okay, baby, it's okay. Breathe through the pain..."
Possibly to further prove his point that he wouldn't deal with this nonsense Sephiroth popped the plastic head in his mouth and began chewing. Genesis' sullen eyes rose from his decapitated figurine and slowly reignited with mischief as he watched his doll be abused in such a way.
"You know," he began in a low, suggestive tone, "it's like we're practically kissing right now."
Sephiroth instantly spat the head out clear across the office and into the bin.
"D'agh!" Genesis almost rose from his seat to chase after his baby, but managed to restrain himself. "Well, lucky for you I have another." He re-headed his doll with a spare and resumed doting over it.
So Lieutenant Genesis carries around spare heads of himself, Cloud observed.
"These are well made. Much better than the previous versions," Angeal tried to inject some normalcy into the situation despite inspecting a tiny version of himself all the while. "More realistic."
"You say that..." Zack muttered sadly, now holding out a figurine of his own for all to see. "But mine's a Troll Doll."
It was a Troll Doll. What more is there to say? The Zack Fanclub (just as imaginative as they man they loved) had produced a Zack Troll Doll. It had a bare chest and wore a plain pair of black Second Class shorts. It also had the signature hair in black. And a damned ugly face.
"Very realistic!" Cloud grinned. "I like it."
Zack placed the cheap doll next to the professionally produced Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth figures. It did... not look good.
"... it's the thought that counts?" Angeal remarked.
Zack sighed.
Sephiroth cleared his throat.
Hint, hint.
Thankfully Angeal was neither oblivious (Zack) nor a jerk (Genesis) and expertly interpreted the Generals curt movements of shuffling his files as a warning. Cloud calculated that they had less than a minute to get lost before something or someone was breaking. He shot to his feet obviously too quickly as Angeal gathered up his fanclub figurine and suggested they should get moving—lots of work yet to be done.
As they made to leave, Sephiroth's voice stopped him dead in his tracks. "You forgot your..."
Cloud slowly turned his head knowing full well and not wanting to see. The General was dourly indicating the Sephiroth figurine with his pen.
"Um, um." Really, what could actually be said by this point. "You can keep it?"
Oh, good job, Cloud. Are you suggesting that Sephiroth is as narcissistic as Genesis to keep an effigy of himself around? The General was giving him the distinct look of 'why the hell would I want this crap'? But probably in a more sophisticated manner. Maybe more of a; 'and you think I require this, why?', or along the lines of; 'this is ridiculous. Take your wank material with you'. And evidently the man also had trouble accepting gifts if the dying plant in the corner was any indication.
It was Genesis who came to his rescue again. "Good idea, Cannon Fodder. Seph can keep them all. Goddess knows this place needs some cheering up."
What did he just call me? Cloud scowled.
"I don't want them," Sephiroth said flatly.
But the Lieutenant wasn't listening. Seemed he just enjoyed getting under his friend's skin. He took the figurines from their owners and placed them on an empty shelf just behind the door. Posing them to look like they where all frolicking in a field of flowers together while being watched by a lonely Troll-Zack, Genesis herded the group out the door.
"If you can tear yourself away from your work for a minute you can throw them away," Genesis told his superior, and with a haughty flick of his foot he left. "Toodles!"
Well. That had certainly been informative. And yep. Sure enough, Zack was now in the process of steering Cloud to his apartment to show off his My Little Prez collection. As if he wanted to see more of these dumb dolls after this whole episode. By this point Sephiroth must have been convinced Cloud was an imbecile, and a crazed fanboy at that. First the letter and now the figurine. He just wanted to get back to his bed and have Granville smother him.
"What was that?" Head-Aerith asked.
"That's Troll-Zack," Head-Zack answered proudly. "What? Don't gimmie that look. It's great! I don't see you with any fan figurines."
Aerith sighed. "And thank the Planet for that."
Later that day Genesis would be walking by the base of ShinRa Tower on the way back to his own barracks. As he passed by a small object would suddenly crash right before his feet. He would bend down to inspect the object and be horrified to notice it was his Genesis action figure smashed into tiny pieces. He would look up at the Tower and see a familiar window closing.
"Philistine!" he would scream to the sky.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
a/n: I wrote this before the majority of chapter four and thoroughly enjoyed it. Don't forget to review and tell me how much you thoroughly enjoyed it too!
(oh god i'm so weird)