Author: Zhampy
Rating: T / PG-15
Genre: Humour/Romance
Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing in the FFVII Compilation. See if you can spot all the references I steal throughout this fic!
Summery: SOLDIERs are mysteriously vanishing when a smashed watermelon outside their quaters marks them as a hit. When Sephiroth and Angeal are marked it's up to Zack, Cloud and Genesis to discover who the mystery Melon Murderer is!
Contains: Main pairing is Cloud/Sephiroth with a Zack/Aerith side-dish and some other minor pairings. Some OOCness for humourous purposes, AR, couple of OCs, and occasional foul language.
Modus Operandi
Episode Eight – The Melon Murderer.
SOLDIER INFORMER
BREAKING – THE MELON MURDERER STRIKES AGAIN
SOLDIERS mysteriously disappearing!
Second Class Gregory Hedges was abducted from his quarters some time early Wednesday morning. The kidnapper left their now distinctive calling card at the scene of the crime; a smashed watermelon. Captain Hedges is the fourth reported disappearance this month and has been described by his fellows as a hard working and honest man who is not known to have any enemies.
What exactly is the Melon Murderer's ultimate goal? And how are they abducting some of the most talented men of ShinRa? Investigations are under way.
Be careful! Be vigilant! Be SOLDEIR!
Reported by Private Arnold Cage
It was the first time he'd been in a meeting with any higher officers. In an actual meeting room that is. And thank the Planet he hadn't been; it was the coldest most impersonal room he'd ever had the displeasure to have sat in. He sat beside Zack who looked like he were seconds from dropping to sleep, and next to his mentor were Genesis and Angeal. Across from him was Sephiroth, who looked blank but was probably bored out of his very brilliant mind.
And seated—now stood—beside Sephiroth was the Director of SOLDIER; one Lazard Deusericus, a blonde man in a fruity purple suit who looked very put out to actually be here. Cloud would have figured that being only one seat away from the head of SOLDIER would fill a guy with pride and a bit of smug self-importance.
Not Lazard.
He looked pissed.
Pissed at Cloud.
"Who brought this along?" Lazard pointed at him.
"That's Cloud, he's a regular," Genesis supplied.
"Can't you leave it out in the corridor?" Lazard looked down his nose so hard his glasses fell off his face.
"Nah, he's Zack's pro-toe-jay. Gotta learn these things and somesuch—say, are those toffees?" Genesis reached across the table to the bowl of complimentary sweets.
Lazard said nothing more as he replaced his glasses, but Cloud got the distinct impression that he was most unwelcome. Then the Director dropped a copy of the internal newsletter SOLDIER INFORMER on the large table with a loud smack.
Zack jumped to full wakefulness with a start. "Oh, that."
"Oh, that," Lazard repeated harshly. "How is this possible?" he looked around the room but received only blank expressions of cluelessness in return.
"I heard," Zack began, "that the Melon Murderer can see in the dark."
"Well, I heard," Genesis said, "that he can walk on ceilings."
"He's over one-thousand-years-old," Angeal commented. "But that's probably a lie."
"I heard it was a Wutaian," Cloud mentioned.
Sephiroth pricked up at this tit bit.
Down, boy, Cloud grinned to himself internally.
"But this is not why I have brought you here," Lazard intoned patiently with a pointed glance at Cloud before he continued. "I have the unfortunate honour of informing you that we have been marked by this so called Melon Murderer."
"Personally?" Genesis asked through his mouthful of complimentary toffee.
"Very personally," Lazard hissed. He slapped two pictures of the marked victims on the table.
"Angeal!" Genesis chocked on his mouthful.
"Sephiroth!" Zack shrieked.
Slamming his palms down Lazard regarded the table coolly. "That's correct. General Sephiroth and Lieutenant General Angeal reported to me that they had both received the Mark of the Melon this morning outside their quarters."
"Oh, no!" Zack gasped.
"Oh, no, indeed," Lazard affirmed.
Cloud looked down the table to Angeal and across at Sephiroth. Neither man looked particularly concerned with this predicament, but Zack and Genesis looked plenty worried enough for them. Director Lazard began stalking around the long table in perhaps a more dramatic fashion that was probably necessary as he continued. Cloud was coming to the quick conclusion that the man was quite the drama queen.
"I don't mean to validate this absurdity," he said, "but I think it prudent that you both remain in your quarters for the time being."
"But those other SOLDIERs where taken from their rooms!" Zack said desperately.
"And that is why I shall be posting Turks outside their doors."
Sephiroth snorted.
"Is this really necessary, Director?" Angeal sighed.
"Yes! This is an insult to SOLDIER. Our funding may be cut if we are proved to be vulnerable."
"Seems a bit contradictory," Cloud muttered under his breath.
"Oh, so it's about the money," Angeal said.
"Of course it's about the money! You're not exactly quick and easy to produce," here Lazard pointedly regarded Sephiroth. "Heideggar and I already battle for the top resources; Scarlet and Reeve are pretty tenacious if I am to be honest. We cannot appear weak!"
"I agree, I agree," Genesis nodded vigorously with wide eyes.
Lazard continued, "and might I add that the Melon Murderer currently has a one hundred percent success rate."
The Director paused for dramatic effect and Cloud was reluctantly impressed. The man had clearly missed his true calling of theatre acting. He could play the very atmosphere of the room to his hand, and it was clearly winding Genesis and Zack up.
"Angeal, no! You can't die! There's still so much I need to tell you!" Genesis cried.
"You could tell me now?"
A pause. "Maybe later."
Then Zack did A Very Dangerous Thing. He grabbed Sephiroth's hands from the table and held them securely. "You can't die, Seph! You're my hero!"
Any atmosphere that Lazard had created was immediately drowned by the sudden chill that settled over the room. Cloud could barely look, but was certain he'd be brought forward as a witness at a later date, so figured he probably should. It was incredibly fortunate that both Zack and Sephiroth were wearing their gloves; any skin-on-skin action would surely result in tears. Not that he personally wouldn't mind some skin-on-skin action with Sephiroth regardless of it ending in tears, but err, we have to be thankful for small mercies.
"I won't let you be killed, don't worry!" Zack continued.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
After a trip to the medical bay, Cloud, Zack and Genesis had been ordered to return to whatever it was that they did when a war wasn't on. Neither Cloud nor Genesis drew any more attention to Zack's admittedly self-inflicted limp that was necessary.
"What do we do?" Cloud asked as he trailed behind his superiors.
"I'll tell you what we'll do!" Zack announced. "We'll solve this mystery ourselves!"
"To save 'Geal!" Genesis nodded enthusiastically.
"And Sephiroth," Cloud added quietly.
Zack spun around to his companions with a sly grin. "Okay, gentlemen, it's decided. We'll take over this operation by force if we must! Obviously the Turks aren't doing shite."
"Um," Genesis mumbled. "Perhaps we should keep in on the down-low. I sort of can't get messed up with Tseng again after the whole My Little Prez thing or i'll get probation. President's orders."
The Lieutenant General missed the look exchanged between the two younger men before Zack spoke again. "Alright! This is a private investigation between me, Sherzack; greatest detective of ShinRa!"
"Not accounting for much," Cloud coughed.
But Sherzack was still talking, "and my ever faithful assistant, Cloudson!"
"Do I get a pipe?" Cloudson asked excitedly.
"No, I get the pipe."
"Then Hooter can be official mascot and bloodhound!"
"Right, whatever."
As the pair of friends schemed and generally continued to enjoy each others presence, Genesis began to feel left out and decided to himself that he did not like that.
"Uh, so who am I?" he interrupted peevishly.
Sherzack considered the Lieutenant General for a moment. "You can be Mrs Hudson," he said.
"What!?"
"Keep your voice down, Mrs Hudson," Sherzack ordered smugly. "This is a secret operation."
"Yes, go fetch us some tea, would you," Cloudson impudently waved his hand around.
"Hhmmmpphh," Genesis silently seethed. Then he lifted his nose high in the air and flipped his perfectly feathered hair. "I make a damn fine Mrs Hudson. A connoisseur such as myself could only bring more prestige to the role."
"'Attaboy—ouch!"
"Watch your mouth," Genesis snapped at the overly enthusiastic Zack and retracted his hand. "And you."
He smacked Cloud.
"Just because."
"Ow."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
And so it happened that the trio of SOLDIERs began their investigation. Cloudson and Mrs Hudson followed their lead detective down the corridor as Sherzack inspected every minute dust particle or smudge of dirt with his pilfered-from-the-labs (oh, god, please don't tell Hojo) overly-large magnifying glass. Cloudson dropped the apple core—that had been his breakfast due to the abruptness of the meeting and because apparently watermelon was off the brunch menu anyway—onto the floor.
"Aha!" Sherzack came to an abrupt halt, forcing a conga line of clumsiness from his companions. He bent down low to inspect something on the floor.
Faced with the temporary detective's butt up in the air, Cloudson leaned over. "I'm finding it really hard to not put stuff down his pants," he told Mrs Hudson.
Who, if he had known side of toast Cloudson liked buttered, probably would have taken this comment to an entirely misunderstood meaning. As it was, he simply laughed quietly.
"Hmm, hello, what's this? A clue!" Sherzack held up his evidence.
Cloudson sighed. "It's an apple core."
"The killer must be slipping to leave clues!"
"That was my breakfast."
A scandalised gasp was wrenched from his friend. "You're eating evidence?"
"You gave me that apple before the meeting."
"In that case you can dust it for fingerprints, my trusty sidekick!"
"I just dropped it."
"Allow me," Mrs Hudson said, before taking the clue and with a practised arm, threw it neatly into a nearby bin. Before Sherzack could utter his complaint, Mrs Hudson grabbed the detective's collar. "Listen, you brain-addled wretch of a SOLDIER, if you don't start leading this operation with some class and or talent I swear to the Goddess I will turn this little fantasy of yours around and march you straight back to Sephiroth so he can take another shot at your knees with a chair!"
With that said, Mrs Hudson promptly stomped down the hall. Sherzack embarrassedly straightened his uniform and coughed awkwardly. "Mrs Hudson has quite the temper. Perhaps I should give him a raise," he said to Cloudson, who could only shake his head in response.
They soon approached their first destination to be greeted with the Gruesome Twosome of the Turk brigade. Well, only the redhead of the pair was in any way gruesome so it was less a Gruesome Twosome and more of a Single Idiot For Hire dealio. Either way, Reno greeted them warmly as they homed in.
"GEN-ee-sis!" the boy enunciated with a low mocking bow when he received only a harumph in return.
Sherzack bullied his way to the front and held his magnifying glass up to his face in what he hoped was a Classy and Talentful Manner. "Good morning, gentlemen!"
"Hey yo, Zack. What's up?" Reno lazily replied with a nod over the SOLDIER's shoulder to Cloudson. "Nice pipe."
"Thanks! It's Zac—I mean Sherzack's."
"Yes, give me that!" Sherzack snatched the much admired pipe and blew and sucked on it to produce a steady stream of soap bubbles.
Reno and his partner Rude watched without saying a word for a while before something really did have to be said. "Got that from the lab, did ya?"
"I got it out of a Christmas cracker!" Sherzack informed them proudly.
"Anyway," Mrs Hudson pushed Sherzack aside as he addressed the Turk pair. "How is Angeal?"
"Don't worry, we're guarding him all well 'n' good," Reno sing-sang and twirled his finger in a circular motion. "Ah!"
Mrs Hudson grabbed that finger with an iron grip. "How is Angeal?" he asked of Rude this time.
The quiet man inclined his head slightly as he replied. "Worried."
"You're guarding him well?"
"Yes."
"I have your word?"
"Yes."
"May we see him?"
"No."
"Am I only going to get single word replies out of you?"
Rude shrugged.
"This is the mark?" Mrs Hudson indicated a handsomely smashed watermelon just outside the door that had been cordoned off with Turk Tape. It had little silhouettes of men in suits doing star-jumps with the words 'YOU DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'' written between.
"Yes."
"I should chalk it!" Sherzack announced, holding up the offending item with a disturbing mind to outline the piece of fruit.
A so far ignored Cloudson pointed down the corridor a little. "There's a piece down there too."
"No!" Mrs Hudson snatched the chalk away and cradled it carefully. "You'll break its soul!"
"... what?"
Those present in the hall all looked to each other in a rare moment of confused comradery between SOLDIER and Turk, and shrugged as a group activity.
"Don't chalk the melon," Rude said.
"Hey, Gen, buddy, pal. Could ya let go of my finger now?" Reno whined as he was writhing lower and lower to the floor. His finger was released and he was unceremoniously shoved aside as Mrs Hudson moved for the door.
A firm arm stayed Mrs Hudson's hand. Rude shook his head negatively and the Lieutenant General and current Chief of Caffeinated Beverage Production stopped and regarded the situation with the smarts it took to make Lieutenant General.
"We should send Cloud in first; he's the least intimidating," he eventually announced.
"Should I be offended?" Cloudson sniffed indignantly, but the one person who may have listened to him was already preoccupied on the floor sucking his mistreated finger.
"I don't want to stress out Angeal any more than necessary. You heard Rude!"
"Oh, yeah. 'Worried'. Truly seconds away from cardiac arrest, that poor Angeal," Reno said from the floor.
And so it fell to Cloudson to enter a superiors quarters without calling ahead, or making an appointment or apparently even knocking as Mrs Hudson opened the door and shoved him across the threshold. Honestly, he'd just stopped fighting it by this point. His reward for not putting up a show of resistance was a sound CLONK to the back of the head and a cold, hard floor racing up to cradle his face.
"Don't worry! I'm a doctor!" he could hear Sherzack shout from outside with some scuffling noises.
"You're a detective," Mrs Hudson pointed out.
"And you're a maid! Pop off and make me some tea!" Sherzack sniped.
"Zachary!" That was Angeal's voice, tuned to admonishing.
"Damn! That was a fierce fall. You've got quite the fist, Ange," Reno gushed.
"..." he was sure Rude had not said.
No one was picking him up.
"Are you okay, 'geal?" Mrs Hudson asked of his closest friend.
There was a pauses before the man replied. "I'll admit to being a little anxious. I dislike being cooped up in here."
Cloudson would have very much liked to have seen what 'in here' looked like. He may have considered himself talented in interior design and a good judge of how a person's living arrangements reflected on their morality and character, but there really wasn't much he could asses from staring facedown at a cold, indigo floor. There did seem to be a streak of red behind something, but that could have just been his eyes bleeding.
"Wait," Sherzack said. "Let me asses the situation with my powers of deduction."
"Oh, for—" Mrs Hudson groaned.
And then Sherzack began talking very quickly.
"Lieutenant General Angeal Julius Hewley, SOLDIER First Class, age twenty-seven! During your childhood you lived in Banora with your mother and your best friend, one Lieutenant General Genesis Rhapsodos, and like many young boys your age you dreamed of joining SOLDIER and becoming a hero. You fulfilled your dream and rose through the ranks gaining not only a fanclub—the Keepers of Honour—but also an extremely handsome and charming and talented protégé by the name of Zachary (middle name undisclosed) Fair! You have recently become the target of a serial killer who is known by the moniker; the Melon Murderer!"
"Yes, I know, Zack," Angeal said.
"Oh."
"Honestly," and now Angeal sounded exasperated. Cloud wondered if this wasn't a frequent issue between the pair. "Honestly, you put all this effort into pretending to be a fictional character when you can't put the effort into remembering that Gaia revolves around the sun, not the other way around."
Cloud never did get to see Angeal's living arrangements as he never recovered fast enough (must try harder). Sherzack pronounced Angeal to be safe and sound and that his apartment held no clues, and since he wasn't allowed to chalk the melon, that they should probably move onto the next target. Someone grabbed his collar and dragged him—still face-to-ground—back into the hallway.
"We'll keep ya updated," Reno pointed suavely with his uninjured finger.
There was a sudden crash and all eyes darted down the hall. Cloudson couldn't make the figure out but the someone had slipped on the stray piece of watermelon. Reno immediately began shouting like a raving lunatic.
"Hey, you! No unauthorised personal allowed... except these three."
The shadowed figure paused a second before busting into a sprint down the hall, prompting Reno to give chase.
"We'll keep you updated," Rude eventually said.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
They approached their second destination marked obviously with a large, smashed watermelon, which was more of a security risk considering that Sephiroth lived in ShinRa Tower and not the barracks like Angeal and Genesis, and every other SOLDIER and soldier under ShinRa employment. The Turks assigned to the General's protection where a level up from the Single Idiot For Hire and Partner. Tseng took orders from no one but the President and Cissnei was his immediate subordinate. That they had been ripped from Shinra's teat meant that these mysterious disappearances were being taken with an utmost seriousness—but not serious enough to consider that one may want to kidnap the president, of course—not that anyone would guess that judging from Sherzack...
Tseng's lip lifted in a rare show of emotion as he smirked at Mrs Hudson. "Shall I be seeing you at the toy store again, Genesis? New stock this Friday."
Mrs Hudson grunted ungracefully and sneered and scowled.
"How's Seph?" Sherzack worriedly asked of Tseng, who instantly reverted to his poker face.
"We don't know. He has the emotional range of a soggy napkin," the Turk answered.
"He hasn't brought us a cup of tea like Angeal does for Reno and Rude," Cissnei complained.
"Oh!" Sherzack started. "We can have Mrs Hudson get right on that! Alright, Dr. Cloudon, you're up."
This time Cloudson had Hooter for back-up, and if he were to be assaulted by a nervous SOLDIER it would almost certainly be Sephiroth and he'd certainly need the protection. Hooter provided him with this protection by way of immediately flying away the instant something heavy collided with his face upon entrance.
"Well, I think that went well!" Mrs Hudson cheered as he stepped over Cloud's crumpled form.
Sherzack bustled in with his mouth flapping. "General Sephiroth (middle name undisclosed) (surname undisclosed), SOLDIER First Class, age twenty-three! Born and bred in Shinra you have lived your whole life in Midgar with your father Professor Ho—"
Mrs Hudson smacked him upside the head.
"—you have lived your whole life in Midgar as an orphan and raised to be the greatest SOLDIER. A highly decorated and praised SOLDIER you stormed up the ranks to General during the Wutai war with your friends Angeal Hewley and Genesis Rhapsodos; you inspire heroics in all those who aspire to join SOLDIER. You have amassed a large cult following by the name of the Silver Elite and many more fans besides, not least the likes of a certain up-and-coming, charming and talented Major Fair. However, you have become a target of that insidious and fiendishly clever Melon Murderer!"
"Any questions?" Sherzack asked hopefully of the very confused man. "Queries? Worries? Apprehensions?"
After a brief moment of thought Sephiroth asked, "is it true you didn't know that Gaia revolves around the sun?"
"Go put the kettle on would you, Mrs Hudson?" Sherzack said lamely.
"I want coffee!" Cissnei shouted through the door.
"You just said you wanted tea," Mrs Hudson groused.
"Changed my mind!"
With a harumph Mrs Hudson also took Sherzack and Tsengs orders. "Seph?"
"Black," Sephiroth said.
"Alright, two coffees, two teas and an orange juice for Zack."
"Tseng wants cream!" Cissnei shouted.
"What, a latté?"
"No, he wants cream!"
"Actually, I want a hot chocolate," Sherzack put in.
"I don't suppose Seph has any marshmallows. You'll only be disappointed," Mrs Hudson said.
"Still though... hot chocolate."
"Tseng wants low fat cream!"
"I don't want low fat cream!" Sherzack shouted.
"NO ONE'S HAVING CREAM!" Mrs Hudson shrieked so loudly that his voice had probably made any hanging pictures rattle, if Cloudson could have lifted his face from the carpet to check. "So that's a water for everybody."
"Genesis," Sephiroth said and Mrs Hudson stopped and turned. "Black."
So Mrs Hudson poured everyone a glass of water just to spite them but laboured to make Sephiroth a tea, no milk, no sugar. He pulled a face as he peered into the hot cup then shrugged. He could hardly criticise others' eating habits when he regularly consumed month-old raspberry juice.
Trying to get information out of Sephiroth was like trying to wring blood from a stone; you could put pressure on it but if it cracked it would only be your hand that hurt. Or something like that. Sephiroth was notoriously tight-lipped and it got kind of awkward sitting in silence after a while.
It also didn't help that Cloudson was still lying on his face in the doorway with an upturned table next to him, but at least Tseng and Cissnei were happy now—or at least mildly contented with their glasses of water. Eventually Sephiroth flat out got up and just disappeared into a different room without a word, never one for (or to understand) social graces. Shortly afterwards Cloudson began to rouse himself, perhaps instinctively realising he were safe from further embarrassment, at least for the immediate future.
"Aha! A challenger approaches!" Sherzack announced, drawing attention to the situation unfolding.
A small, silver-grey tabby cat with big, bright green eyes was approaching Cloudson with a blatant prowl to its steps. This must be the cat Sephiroth mentioned keeping, Cloudson thought. With those big beautiful eyes he's almost a match made for Hooter. Even our pets match!
He reached out to pet the small kitty. "Aww, what a cute little—"
punt!
The cat went flying across the room.
"Genesis! Why'd you do that!?" Cloudson yelped.
The Lieutenant General lowered his foot. "Dirty rat! Did you see it? It was coming right at me!"
The door burst open.
"Hey, yo—!"
punt!
"Genesis, quit it!"
"Dirty rat, it was coming right at me," the man said again, but this time with feigned enthusiasm.
There was a moment or three quiet enough to hear the drip drip drip of water from the kitchen. The trio of SOLDIERs glanced in the direction the cat had been sent spinning, then down to the prone form of Reno lying on the carpet, then back over to the grandfather clock again to check for the cat; no luck.
"Did you just kick Sephiroth's cat? I think you did," Cloudson said with wide eyes.
Sherzack threw his arms up in the air with frustration already having had predicted future events, yet unaware of all the colour draining from the Lieutenant General's face. "Great! Now who's going to replace Mrs Hudson? Reno? Feh!"
"Ugghh..." Reno groaned.
It was then that Sephiroth chose to make himself known again. He came into the room as silently as the cat had, and with as much a predatory prowl (but fortunately managed to not be kicked across the living space). He looked highly suspicious—that is to say, they all must have looked highly suspicious to him, not that Sephiroth himself was suspicious—Cloudson was pretty sure he had a concussion from the numerous face-to-floor greetings he'd endured.
"Where is Grímnir?" Sephiroth asked slowly.
Neither Cloudson nor Sherzack could stop their eyes flickering to Mrs Hudson for less than a microsecond, but it was enough. Mrs Hudson took a discreet glup and smiled weakly.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
After a visit to the medical bay, Cloudson, Sherzack and Mrs Hudson gathered with the Turks in their initial meeting room. Everyone pointedly made sure not to pay any attention as Mrs Hudson glowered and snarled as he tenderly parked his rear end in a hard chair.
The group was rescued from having to listen to the Lieutenant General pretend that yes, his posterior was quite fine, thanks for asking and that no, it had not recently had a very intimate encounter with a very long and shocking Electro-Mag Rod, when the Director strode in.
Lazard entered the room, stopped for a second to glare at Cloudson, then resumed to his place beside Sephiroth who was just staring at Mrs Hudson.
Just. Staring.
Mrs Hudson squirmed uncomfortably.
"I see our two commanding officers are still with us," the Director began in what Cloudson thought was a strangely solemn tone.
Reno held a pack of ice to the side of his head—damn, but could Genesis get his legs up high. It was no wonder he were so popular amongst the ranks... and the office... and the labs... and the city at large—and said, "I was just coming to tell ya some new info we'd discovered when this..." he indicated his injury.
Mrs Hudson had the bad grace to appear smug for a second, then went back to nervous when Sephiroth stepped up the staring a notch.
"Oh, yes?" Lazard eyed the boy warily and Cloudson rolled his eyes. This animosity between SOLDIER and Turks was the hight of childishness. The two groups could work quite well together, when needed.
"We didn't find any clues at Angeal's or Sephiroth's," Sherzack informed the room.
"You what?"
"We didn't find any—"
"You where supposed to be training or whatever it is you do, not loitering around potential victims' quarters! What if you contaminated the crime scene? I deliberately ordered you to return to work!" Lazard shouted.
Sherzack waved his finger and puffed on his pipe as if this were all nothing more than a game to him; as if he'd solved the case the moment it had been hatched and as if the lives of two top commanders of Shinra were not at stake. "Ah, but you didn't forbid Sherzack, greatest detective of ShinRa! No one can hold down the great Sherzack!"
"Sit down, Zack," Angeal muttered.
"Yes'm."
"As I was sayin' about this info," Reno began again, but Sherzack waved him off.
"Zack..." Angeal warned.
But Sherzack simply grinned. "There's no need for your meager information," he said to which Reno glared.
"And I suppose you're going to break this case wide open," Cissnei, who was seated near Tseng and Sephiroth, rolled her eyes and propped her chin on a hand.
"As a matter of fact," Sherzack grinned wider, "I am!"
Lazard sighed irritably. "Zack, we've no time for your games. If you wish to eventually be promoted I suggest you begin acting more seriously. It's almost impossible to believe that Angeal is your mentor; I dread to imagine how your protégé will turn out."
Here, Cloudson was the victim of yet another irritable glare. He really should begin collecting them—one from every person in the company!
Sherzack removed himself from the table and began pacing. The Director's eyes followed the young SOLDIER suspiciously and it was all Cloudson could do not to smack his forehead on the table. Fantastic, what they really needed right now was two overly-dramatic flounces!
"On the contrary, Director. I think you'll be very interested in what I have to say."
"Well," Mrs Hudson put in rudely, "I never am, so may I leave?"
"You may NOT leave," Sherzack ordered, really pushing his luck when it came to this 'Mrs Hudson' business. "Because the killer is IN THIS VERY ROOM."
Everyone drew a sharp breath and waited.
Sherzack waited some more.
It was all terribly exciting.
"It was..." Sherzack paused again.
"Oh for Godessake, get on with it!" Mrs Hudson shouted irritably.
Sherzack faltered slightly before recovering and spinning on his heel dramatically and thrusting his pointer finger in the direction of the killer. "It was you!"
Everyone released their breath with a gush of surprise.
Sat under an accusing pointy finger, Director Lazard huffed indignantly. "Didn't you parents ever teach you it's rude to point, Major?"
"You can feign innocence all you like, Mr Deusericus," Sherzack slapped his hand down on the table, startling Reno from a light doze.
"This is absurd," Lazard said. "Return to your seat, SOLDIER."
"I have all the evidence right here!" Sherzack produced a file from nether-regions unknown and waved it around.
Lazard began collecting his own files and tapping them together. He sighed, "I think we should reschedule this meeting at a later date, perhaps when Major Fair has calmed down and we can discuss this situation in a manner befitting the most powerful army on Gaia."
"You can try and escape, Director," Sherzack started snidely.
Lazard stopped partway to the door.
"But you made one fatal mistake," Sherzack continued.
Gripping stuff.
"Zack, stop. Seriously," Cloudson whispered desperately.
"Oh?" But Lazard turned slightly at the accusation.
"Oh, indeed," Sherzack waited before dropping the metaphorical bombshell. He dropped the fat file of papers to the table with a sound thump. "You bought twenty watermelons on the company gil! It's all here in your personal records!"
Everyone around the table gasped dramatically, except Sephiroth who was still staring.
Lazard gritted his teeth as his eyes darted around quickly. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
Sherzack spun around pointlessly. "There's also security footage of you outside Sephiroth's place, dropping the not-so-metaphorical melon! You're guilty, Director, admit it!"
"D'argh, alright!" Lazard exploded into an impressive red-faced sweat. "Alright, you caught me! It was me! All me!"
Cloudson nearly fell out of his chair at the speed both Angeal and Tseng sprung to their feet to restrain the Director. The man struggled vainly then appeared to give in.
"But, Zack, how did you work it out?" Cissnei asked with alarm.
"It first came to me," Sherzack began as if he were speaking to something very wistful and far away.
"That Gaia revolves around the sun," Reno interrupted.
Cloudson giggled.
"It first came to me!" Sherzack continued loudly, "in the infirmary when they were treating Mrs Hudson for that rod up his arse."
Mrs Hudson coughed.
Sephiroth was still staring.
"I was bored," Sherzack continued, "and restless, and Mrs Hudson told me to bugger off and stop interrupting such a delicate procedure. So while all the nurses were preoccupied with the drama queen I checked up on some medical files—it's kinda my thing, don't judge. To my surprise there was the Director's file on top so he must have been their most recent patient. It seems the Director has a bruised pelvis and I thought back to earlier in the day. Earlier to when a shadowy figure slipped and fell on his own murder weapon before escaping. At the time I noticed how he fell—on his pelvis!"
Everyone gasped again!
"I never did catch the weasel," Reno muttered.
Sherzack resumed his stomping around the room then stopped abruptly. "And I also saw the Director making off with a barrow full of watermelons from the canteen when I was buying my faithful partner, Cloudson, an apple before our meeting this very morning."
Cloudson gasped upon realisation. "Watermelon wasn't off the menu, it was sold out!"
"Exactly, my five-fingered friend," Sherzack confirmed. "I'm sure if you search the Director's quarters you'll find his latest stock."
"Why did you do it, Director?" Angeal asked sadly.
"Why? WHY?" Lazard spat and hissed. "Because I hate you all! Every last one of you hopped up mako junkies! I wanted to spread panic through the ranks! I wanted some excitement! I was being remote controlled! Pick which ever you like best! But I never murdered anyone. That was just your typical SOLDIER sensationalism."
Sherzack laughed bitterly "If not murdered, then pray tell where are they, Director?"
"Zack's very into this," Cloudson whispered to Reno who nodded.
"Paid vacation."
Everyone gasped! Again!
"Aha! So you admit—wait, what?"
"That's right," Lazard hissed.
"Paid leave," Angeal reiterated.
"Yes. It was the only way I could dispose of some SOLDIERs without murdering anyone."
"But—but that makes no sense," Cissnei said thoughtfully. "Why would you return back to the scene of the crime?"
With a resigned sigh, Lazard put on his dramatic airs again. He'd be damned if Zack would out-drama him. "That's what I do. I mark them and then I return later to send them on paid leave. I was not expecting Zack and company to be there as I specifically ordered them to return back to work, and I assure you, your superiors will be notified of your disobedience."
Zack worried his lower lip.
"General," Lazard notified said superior. "Major Zachary Fair has deliberately disobeyed orders. You may wish to deal with it."
"Oh," Sephiroth said. And that was that.
"I," Cloudson rubbed his bumpy head, "still don't really get it. Why?"
Lazard snorted. "Do you have any idea how boring it is being Director of SOLDIER? I have just enough menial paperwork to keep me busy but nothing actually interesting to do. Really do. Do you know the last time I got a date? I certainly don't. Not anymore! I may as well put myself on the celibate registry! I couldn't even get Claire in accounting on a date and she's as loose as a screw in Hojo's head! Does it get lower than that? I think not. Sometimes a guy just has to create his own forms of entertainment, and after a while wanking in the office gets—"
"I believe we've heard enough," Tseng stopped him.
Lazard glowered and struggled futility against his captors. "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling SOLDIERs!"
"Excelsior!" Sherzack cried triumphantly.
"That's not a Sherlock quote," Cloudson said.
"We're not angry, Director, we're just disappointed," Angeal interrupted.
"Speak for yourself," Mrs Hudson blurted. "I had to cancel a hair appointment to deal with this bullshit. Look at my hair, look at it! It's like straw. I'm hideous!"
"What shall we do with him, General?" Tseng asked.
"Put him in the holding cells with Genesis. This is something Heideggar and the President will want to deal with."
Angeal stopped short. "Why Genesis too?"
Sephiroth pointed to the guilty party. "He kicked my cat!"
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a/n: This chapter was based on an ongoing incident at my uni. Someone went around impaling watermelons on the spikes around campus. It went on for weeks. Someone sure was dedicated. Those suckers are expensive! The culprit was dubbed the 'Melon Murderer' and then just vanished. Spooky! I didn't get any paid leave at the end though. I hope the culprit wasn't any of you reviewers! Next chapter actually has some Cloud/Sephiroth interaction! This is a slow-burner fic, if you hadn't noticed.