….
I admit. There was a point in this chapter that I was near tears. Hopefully, I give you guys the same emotion.
I'm really happy with this chapter, and I know it's one you guys have been waiting for.
I HOPE I GIVE YOU FEELINGS!
;) :,)
MORE LYRICS!
Lyrics to Naked by Avril Lavigne (I grew up listening to her)
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna (you're gonna) see right through, baby
you're gonna see right through,
i'm so naked around you,
and i can't hide,
you're gonna see right through, baby
SO PERFECT!
Disclaimer: Grrrr
READ ON!
Zack was looking down at me, his face more pained than I'd ever seen. It was pale and taunt, his eyes so full of pain that it felt like a stab to the chest.
He had seen everything. I was sure of it.
He hated me. He had to. I had committed murder. I had robbed two families of a man they loved. I had almost selfishly taken my life. Surely he could see why I deserved to rot in my misery. I deserved no bliss, no happiness. I did not deserve him. I was impure.
I began to sob. Zack would leave me. I would be alone and that was suddenly unbearable.
"Zack." I managed to choke out. "I…I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to. It just sort of-it just happened. I didn't mean to…to…" I covered my face. "Oh gods, Zack, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I'm so ashamed. I'm a heartless, soulless monster who deserves to rot in her own hell, but please, Zack, please don't leave me. I don't know what I'd do. I'm so sorry." The sobs took over then, making speech impossible. I wasn't sure what I would say anyways.
Zack pried my hands away, but I closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't be able to bare the look that was surely on his face.
"You're sick!" He'll shout at me. "The Fields of Punishment are a kindness compared to what you deserve."
"I'm so sorry," I whispered again, literally feeling my heart tear.
I waited for the inevitable out burst.
So, I was incredibly surprised when I felt Zack press his lips to mine. I was so stunned that I didn't react for a minute. By the time I had realized what was happening, he had pulled away. I opened my eyes and saw that Zack was crying too.
"Gods, Lena," he said, his voice so very pained. "You…you are not a monster." He told me.
"Yes I am. I…I killed those people. It took me weeks to mourn for my parents. If that's not heartless, I don't know what is."
"You were startled and drunk, Lena. You were in agonizing emotional pain that was delayed due to shock."
"I've failed everyone."
"Who have you failed?" He asked, tears still falling from both of our faces.
"Everyone!" I threw my hands up, gesturing to the world. "I was supposed to be a hero greater than my parents and instead all I did was kill and hide. I'm a murderer Zack. Two families out there are missing a member because of me. Do you know what that feels like? To have that on your conscience? I see those men in my very worst nightmares. It feels like harpies are trapped inside your chest, clawing to get out. It's a pain that is….beyond my explanation and your understanding. My parent's would be so ashamed of me." The sobs came quicker and every pent up emotion I'd ever felt suddenly kept bursting out. The walls were broken and all the rage and depression were flowing out like a broken dam.
"I am not the little girl I used to be. I'm so broken I've forgotten what entirety feels like. I've gotten so many people hurt, and have acted so selfishly. My parents would suck it up, face it, and then go help some one else. Go be a hero. I am not a hero. I am a monster."
"Stop saying that."
"It's true!" I insisted. "Why don't you get that? I've failed my parents and I've failed the gods. Every time I fight a monster, I fight only because I know I do not deserve death. All I want is a death that will take me to my parents. I want to die and see my parents, but that's not happening. I will never go to Elysium! I'll go to Tartarus to rot with the rest of my kind!"
"Stop it!" Zack shouted. His breathing was ragged from trying to control his tears. "Don't you dare say that again."
"Why?" I whispered. "What makes me human in your eyes, after all you've seen?"
"Gods, Lena!" He said. It sounded like he had meant to shout it, but it, too, came out as a whisper. "You really don't see it?" My silence was my response. "First of all," he continued, "you care. I know you do. You care about me. You care about Alexa. About Mara. You care about your parents. Second of all, you feel guilt, Lena. The definition of humanity. You've done something wrong and you feel bad. A monster wouldn't care. But you can't let the guilt eat you alive! You can't let it kill you, Lena, otherwise…it doesn't matter if your breathing, your already dead."
My tears were now tears of relief and joy. He didn't hate me. I don't think I would ever understand why, but he still loved me.
"You're good, Lena." He continued. "Probably one of the best people I have ever met, if not the best. You're brave. You're smart. Gods, you make me laugh so hard, sometimes." I smiled through my tears at that, and so did he. "You're kick ass in a fight. You've had shit in your life and how you survived it…I don't know. But, please, I'm begging you, you have to move on. You're parents would be proud of who you are and what you've over come. I think you've felt enough torment. It's time for you to start seeing the good in life again, Silena."
My breath caught at the use of my real name. I stroked his face and he smiled meekly. I let my hand drop back to my side. For what felt like hours, I searched for something to say.
"Can I?" I asked. "I…I'm not sure I can anymore. I've forgotten how. It's been so long." I told him numbly, staring up at the stars. Zack laid down next to me.
"It'll be hard, but I think it's possible."
I rolled my head to look at him. Gods, those eyes were beautiful. So full of love and longing and understanding that I almost burst into tears again. "Will you help me?" I asked.
He smiled and joined our hands, intertwining our fingers. "Always." I leaned in closer and rested my head on his shoulder, a smile inexplicably on my face.
I was free, and we both knew it.
After that night, all those years ago, I had begun the slow process of building my walls, concealing me from the world. I was tired of pain and had designed these barriers to hide me from it, protect me from it. Maybe it worked at first, maybe it never did. Maybe it seeped in, maybe it were always in there with me, but I had trapped myself with my own pain, making it unbearable. It didn't matter how much I clawed at the walls, begging for freedom, I was trapped.
Zack had been my salvation. Neither of us could do it alone, but he weakened the walls enough for me to finally tear them down. Something, I realized, I'd been trying to do for years.
The shade was gone and the sun was shining. Imminent death and destruction was looming in the horizon, possibly with the sunrise, but at that moment, I reveled in my freedom. It was beautiful. The air wasn't stale and damp. I wasn't freeing cold or burning hot.
I felt, and it hurt so much, but it felt so good.
I felt grief.
I felt remorse.
I felt guilt.
I felt humanity.
I felt human. I had bid my monstrous side good bye. It was not totally gone, no, it would always be lurking. But Zack was there to keep it at bay.
I would forever be in his debt. And this was one debt I was fine with being in.
Zack stroked my hair and kissed my temple, right where I had held the gun when I was nine.
"I love you, Silena."
I smiled and looked him in the eyes. I was free and it was time to take a leap of faith, because I finally had room to.
"I love you, too, Zack."
Cute? I hope! Worthy of review? I THINK SO!