Don't be Scared Little Alchemist

My deepest, most sincere apologies for the lateness of this chapter! I've had the most chaotic few months...

Chapter 10

I trapsed down the dingy corridors of the Royal Courts hospital wing followed closely by Eddie and Gareth. It was the day after my little breakdown and I was still feeling a little on edge but I was far too determined to check in on Lissa to worry about it too much. Part of me couldn't wait to see her, to be able to throw my arms around her, comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay... but another part of me dreaded seeing what sort of state she might be in. How badly had she cut herself this time? I wasn't sure I really wanted to know.

It was a shame Sydney wasn't there- her presence would at least provide me with comfort- but of course, taking an Alchemist into 'vampire territory' probably wasn't the brightest idea... not that I didn't try it. Not too shockingly, when I asked her to go with me I got the perfect Sydney-esque response of 'not even in your dreams' which obviously lead on to a joke/ threat about how our next spirit dream would be at the Royal Court. I don't think she knows spirit dreams can only include me and the dreamer (crazy since she seems to know just about everything else in the whole world).

After what seemed like forever, we finally reached Lissa's room. The doctor mumbled something about when visiting times ended but I had to hope Eddie and Gareth were paying attention because I'd all but completely zoned out. I cautiously approached the door, my hand reaching out for the handle so slowley it was if I thought it was about to jump up and bite me.

"Dude. Some time before we're eighty would be nice" came the teasing voice of Gareth from over my shoulder. Usually I didn't mind bantering with him- it was just how our disfunctional friendship seemed to work... but just not today. Not when one of my best friends of all time was in the next room, suffering the damage she'd caused herself... all because of the powers that I also possessed. Again, this combined with my recent breakdown made me wonder how much time I had left until I ended up here too... or worse.

Swallowing down my fear, I finally turned the handle and opened the door. As selfish as it might seem, it wasn't Lissa herself that caught my eye, it was her company. Of course, Christian was there- they'd been dating for goodness knows how long now- and where Christian was, Dimitri followed. Dispite only seeing him a day ago, my anger flared up suprisingly quickly, every inch of my body burning with hatred for him. I would've blamed it on the fact that I'd stupidly let myself get completely sober if it hadn't been for who was sitting next to him, holding his hand lovingly. Rose.

It was the first time I'd seen them together in more than a year and I guess I'd forgotton how much it hurt me... but this time something was different. Usually, I hated seeing them together because Rose was- in my eyes- 'the one', 'my other half', 'Miss right' and all that jazz. This time, I didn't feel that at all. As realisation hit me, I actually managed to shock myself even more than I had when I managed to do a backflip in sixth grade to impress some girl I had a crush on, and trust me- that was pretty darn shocking! Looking at the couple, I didn't feel my usual desire to beat the living daylights out of Dimitri, grab Rose and ride off into the sunset on a white horse. Cheesy I know. But no, that urge was long gone.

Looking at them now, all I felt was anger. Anger for what they did to me, what they put me through and how they didn't seem to give a damn about it. Right before my eyes where the two people who had shamelessly plunged me into the deepest, darkest period of my entire life... what reason did I have not to be mad? Of course, spirit wasn't helping the situation any. In fact, if I'd been drinking today or even better- I had a normal, sane power, I wouldn't be feeling half as bad. In fact, I probably would't even be angry, most people- normal people- can let things like this go. Not me. I could practically feel myself slipping further and further into insanity by the second...

Finally, I tore my eyes away from the couple and focused on Lissa. All my previous thoughts suddenly vanished and my mood switched from angry to distraught faster than I ever thought possible. I felt awful for not noticing her the moment I stepped into the room. She was pale, even for a Moroi. It made her look unnatural, sickly... practically dead. Thankfully, her wounds were all tightly bandaged up... but oh man there were a lot of bandages, some of which looked like they needed changing as the blood was beginning to seep through. A few scratches were visible on her face where it looked like she'd clawed at herself with her nails out of pure frustration and she still looked a little dazed and sick, probably still recovering from the effects of the overdose.

Upon seeing me she gave a weak smile in my direction, causing her three companions to turn to face me.

"Adrian" greeted Rose, her face alight with the beautiful smile I remembered so well. "Thank you for coming". From the sound of her voice I could feel as though she genuinely meant it. Then, to my utmost shock she crossed the room and gently, almost hesitantly, wrapped her arms around me. Again, this close contact didn't feel anything like it used to. My skin didn't tingle, my heart didn't melt... nothing happened. And in a way that scared me. I was changing, my emotions weren't like they used to be, my mind wasn't in the same place it had been in a year ago. Rose didn't hold my heart anymore, it was all mine, free to be given to whoever I wanted. What scared me even more is that I already had someone in mind.

"I've been so worried" Rose whispered in my ear, "you have no idea how glad we are that you came. You can sypathise with her, understand what she's going through and help her out..." Something about how she spoke just screamed desperate- like I was the only hope left. Fair enough- I'd talked Lissa back down to earth the last time something like this had happened, but if that'd worked in the long run then it wouldn't have happened again. Her eyes searched mine, frantically looking for signs of agreement. She looked so helpless- something I knew from experience that she hated. My anger towards her dimming down significantly, I pulled her closer to me once again and whispered "I can try." It was honestly the most I could do or say at that point.

We made our way back over to Lissa's bedside, followed by Eddie and Gareth. I took a seat next to Christian and looked up into the hazy eyes of the girl before us.

"Hey Liss" I greeted, "how're you feeling?" My tone was warm, comforting, concerned... I was just so worried about her. It was the sort of compassion I rarely felt, but for Lissa? How could I not feel it?

"A bit better than yesterday" she replied with a slight shrug. Her eyes told a different story entirely, as though she was dying to tell me something. Christian, sitting next to me, seemed to get the hint and stood up.

"Why don't we let Liss and Adrian talk in private" he suggested, trying to get the others to catch on. They soon followed him out of the room, leaving me and Lissa alone to talk through whatever was going on in her head. Déjà vu or what?

"Okay, Lissa" I began, "whatever's on your mind, just tell me. I won't judge you." She took a moment to assess me to see if I really meant what I said- which of course I did. Back in the old days she would've trusted me instantly, opened up to me without a second thought. It just went to show how unstable she was becoming.

"Okay" she finally agreed, nodding her head. "Basically... I think this is just the beginning of the end." Her voice was so small, so scared that it made my blood run cold.

"What do you mean?" I asked, in two minds about whether or not I actually wanted an answer.

"I don't... I don't think I can control it much longer, Spirit" she began. "It's like it's finally got a hold on me... if I take the anti-depressants it just fights back even stronger because I'm not using it... I can't stand it any more... I just want all this to end." I sincerely hoped that 'all this' didn't mean her life, but I didn't dare to press on the subject.

"I feel like that sometimes" I told her, "yesterday I completely flipped out for no apparent reason in front of my human girlfriend... you can't even imagine how much I terrified her. But you know what? I came out of it, I let her help me, along with Eddie and Gareth... you can't expect to deal with this on your own Liss."

"I don't!" she countered, "I have Christian and Rose and Dimitri and all my guardians and staff at court... they try to help but they just can't. Only you seem to understand me." In a way I was flattered, but part of me knew it wasn't a good thing that I was the only one Lissa felt she could really turn to. It wasn't healthy for her.

"Well then Liss... call me when you feel down, okay? Any time you need to- even in the middle of the night. I don't want this to get to you like it has been lately... you'll be okay, I promise." My reasoning didn't seem to be working... and that's when I remembered it- I knew how she could get rid of spirit forever. Power Surrender. Honestly, I was still on the fence about the whole idea and the fact that it seemed to worry Sydney wasn't a good sign. The girl was very smart after all, going against her thoughts on the subject would probably earn me a one way ticket to I-ruined-my-lifesville and I'd drag Lissa down with me. No, I wasn't ready to tell her about it yet, I wasn't about to-

"What?" came a sweet little voice from beside me, "what are you thinking about?" I should've known better than to stare off into space in the presence of Lissa, she could read me like a book.

"Um... uh... nothing really..." I lied, not so smoothley. Aside from my obvious stuttering, my eyes gave everything away.

"It's not nothing" she insisted, "I can tell... what is it?"

"Uh... I think it's best you don't know..."

"Adrian! Tell!" she was perstistant wasn't she? "That's an order... and that's not a joke!"

"I don't take orders."

"Even from the Queen?" Damn... sometimes I forgot Lissa's position. There really wasn't any arguing with a Queens orders, although I highly doubted she'd actually do anything if I disobayed. She seemed to take my brief silence as acceptance of her command.

"Thank you" she said pleasently, "now, because I'm feeling nice I thought we could exchange information rather than you just telling me... I know something you might want to hear..." My interest suddenly sparked up- what could Lissa possibly know that I didn't? Well... actually as the Queen she probably knew a lot of things I didn't but that was besides the point. Let me re-phrase that- what could Lissa possibly know that I didn't that involved me enough for her to tell me?

"Go on..." I said, curious to know.

"I've been talking to Eddie recently" she began, "he told me you keep getting sucked into Sydney's dreams without a choice."

"Yeah, that's been happening for a while..." I replied. Suddenly, I caught on- I had to give myself credit, I did it quicker than I usually would! "Wait!" I exclaimed, "you know why it's happening don't you!" It wasn't a question. I knew she did. Lissa shot me a knowing look.

"So we trade information?" she asked, although by now she probably knew the answer. I'd been desperate to find out why the dream thing kept happening... but was it really worth telling her about Power Surrender? I decided it was... I mean I wasn't forcing her to go through with it, I was merely giving it to her as an option. To be honest, in her position I would consider it without a doubt.

"Sure" I agreed.

"You go first."

"Okay then" I began, "basically, Sydney and I did some digging into some old books about magic and we found something pretty cool... apparently, there's a way to give up your powers for good." As soon as the words left my mouth, Lissa's eyes lit up in wonder. I could see how badly she wanted it already and I'd barely begun to explain it yet. For all she knew it involved some horribly painful, deadly process, yet she still looked as though nothing in the world would hold her back from it. I'd feared this would happen, but a deal was a deal and I wasn't the kind of guy to break promises... especially ones made to the leader of the Moroi! Despite the nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that all of this was a bad idea, I proceeded to tell her everything I knew about Power Surrender.

"But Liss... it's very risky" I finally finished. The whole way through my explaination, she'd hung off of my every word, absorbing everything with unflinching focus.

"I know, I get it" she replied, "but at least it's an option."

"It's a last resort" I corrected her, "I don't want you risking your life with this."

"What've I got to lose?" The way she asked it and the way she stared at me made me fully realise how she truley believed she had nothing to live for... perhaps even accepted that pretty soon she was likely to die.

"Lots" I told her, my voice a firm whisper. We sat in an understanding silence for a while, taking in the seriousness of the moment, before Lissa spoke up.

"Okay, do you wanna hear about the dreams then?" she asked, far more lighthearted than she'd been a few moments ago.

"Go for it" I replied, finally gaining some of my trademark cockiness back into my tone. Her bright green eyes sparkled, she was clearly excited about the news.

"I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet" she giggled.

"Ohh just hurry up and tell me!" I teased her in reply, "you know I hate suspense... it's so cheesy and melodramatic."

"Okay... Adrian Ivashkov... are you ready... to hear the answer... to your burning question... about-"

"Stop that!" I interrupted, trying my best not to show that this waiting was genuinelly starting to get on my nerves.

"Okay, okay" she surrendered. "You get pulled into Sydney's dreams because you're in love with her. Simple."

Whatever answer I'd been preparing myself for, it sure as hell hadn't been that. I was completely taken aback... or was I? Hadn't I always known this? Hadn't she made me feel happy to an extent that even Rose couldn't achieve? Hadn't I felt like nothing in the world was more beautiful than her pale skin, brown eyes and golden hair and that surely- surely- nothing in the whole world could be more perfect than kissing her, holding her in my arms? I've said it before and I'll say it again- she balanced me. Perfectly. Just like Rose had said my perfect girl would do when I met her. I have to say I met her a hell of a lot quicker than I'd expected to.

"How do you know?" I asked Lissa, wondering how exactly she got this information when I couldn't find it.

"It happens to me" she explained, "with Christian. I'm not the greatest at walking dreams but occasionally I can manage it. Sometimes though, I just fall asleep and get pulled into Christians head. I went and asked Sonya Karp and she said it happens with her and Mikhail too... It just seems logical." It all seemed reliable, but one thing still didn't fit.

"So how come it never happened with Rose?" I asked, although I pretty much knew what she was going to say. At this point, I knew she was right.

"Because you were never really in love with her" she replied. Exactly as I thought. "I mean, you loved her... but there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, if you get what I mean. I loved Aaron when I was with him... but I'm in love with Christian. When you're in love with someone, there's rarely any going back. Even if you fight and drift apart, you'll always find each other again. You and Rose loved each other, but when it came down to it, you were meant for other people. It works that way sometimes. It hurts but it's just the way it is. You go into Sydney's dreams because you're so in sync with each other that it's as if your minds are physically linked- like an invisible bond... just not the kind Rose and I had, of course."

I sat in silence for a while, coming to terms with everything she'd said. Every single word that'd escaped her lips was absolutely, positively, one hundred percent right.

"And" she spoke up again, "call me crazy... but I think she's 'the one' Adrian." How Lissa could assume that when she'd never properly met Sydney was beyond me, but still... I believed her.

After me and Lissa had chatted for a little bit longer, everyone else returned. The conversation and the company was good, I had to admit, even with Rose and Dimitri sat together, passing the occasional loving glance. After my talk with Lissa, their relationship bothered me a whole lot less and I was even beginning to accept it. Wow... never thought I'd see the day.

When visiting hours were over, everybody said goodbye and get well to the battered, blonde Moroi Queen and exited the room. I was about to leave the hospital wing when I felt a strong, powerful hand drag me to one side. Dimitri. Eddie and Gareth- noticing my sudden absence- turned around to face me with worry. I know guardians are meant to be extra cautious and all, but really- what's the worst that can happen to a guy in the most protected building in the world? Nothing- absolutely nothing.

"You guys go on, I'll catch up in a sec" I told them, ushering for them to go. I had no idea what the girlfriend- stealing Russian badass wanted, but I had a feeling it was probably private... or he was gonna beat the crap out of me for lusting after his woman for the past year... okay the second one wasn't likely but I wasn't taking any chances with the guy!

"Umm... hi?" I began awkwardly, making it sound a whole lot more like a question than a greeting. He looked like he was physically swallowing down his pride before he spoke up.

"I'm sorry" he stated, looking sincerely into my eyes. I was so confused it was unreal.

"For...?"

"Everything" he explained, "for being the man Rose cheated on you with, for taking her away from you... for acting like I didn't care about any of it. I always liked you, Adrian, I respect you... I felt awful about the affair, honestly. Right before Rose and I slept together... I told her no. I told her I wouldn't take her from you, that you were waiting for her to come back to you and that I wouldn't get between you... but my love for her overpowered all reasoning, you have to understand. I never meant to hurt you."

Of all the shocking thing's I'd heard today, this one really took the cake! Dimitri Belikov... apologising. I'd waited what seemed like eternity for this day (or the day I successfully overpowered him and won Rose back, but that was out of the question now), but now it'd come it wasn't half as satisfying as I thought it would be. I couldn't believe my next words.

"Don't worry, dude. I forgive you" I assured him, "actually, I've recently discovered that I'm pretty greatfull! If you hadn't done what you did I would never've found the right girl."

"Sydney?" he asked. The man caught on quickly...

"Yeah..." I suddenly remembered that she and Dimitri had been very close when they were on the run together and an idea formed in my mind. A crazy idea, yes, but a good one none the less... hey that rhymed! "You wouldn't happen to know where she lives would you?" I felt a little stupid admitting that I didn't know where my own girlfriend lived, but I wouldn't ever know if I didn't ask.

"Technically she lives in another state but right now she's stationed pretty near to your house" he explained, "I can give you the address if you want it."

"Please" I replied and allowed him to scribble it down for me. I had to go to her, find her... confess all my feelings. And I had to do it now...

I couldn't believe the freedom I'd been given. Yes- it was broad daylight, but I was still beyond amazed that Eddie and Gareth had allowed me to drive over to Sydney's alone. Maybe they trusted me more or maybe they were just avoiding another argument or worse- following me and spying on me. None the less, this was something I had to do alone. It would hardly be romantic if we had supervisors.

After only a short while of driving I pulled the car up outside of a nice, clean looking apartment building. Apartment 20B... Sydney's home... or at least where she lived for the moment. I didn't bother waiting for the elevator, instead I practically jogged up the stairs. The sunlight streaming in through the windows was beginning to take it's toll on me but I didn't let anything stop me. Oh the things I do for love...

Eventually I arrived at her apartment and knocked on the door. I was so nervous that my palms were sweating... wait, since when was I nervous? I was practically the King of staying calm and cool, but not today. In fact, not with Sydney. Really, the signs that I was in love with her were there from the very beginning... I was just too blind to see it, too caught up missing Rose to notice what was right infront of me, too-

"Hello" beamed the girl in question as she opened the door. She looked stunning, her golden locks worn wavy and loose and wearing a pretty little denim skirt and a three-quarter-length t-shirt. As I looked at her, I became even more convinced of my feelings for her. They built up more and more until they were so powerful it was as though they were about to burst out of me. I didn't wait for the formalities- I just freaking went for it.

"Sydney, I love you" I blurted out. That was it... my inner most thoughts and feelings exposed to the world in four quick words. For a second, her expression was unreadable. I took it as my chance to elaborate. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think I've finally got my head straight" I explained, "I loved Rose, but I wasn't in love with her.. she wasn't right for me and I'm finally over her. You're the only one I want. I don't care that you're human. I don't even care that you're an Alchemist, because I'm in love with you... all of you, with all of my heart..." It was silent for a moment, each of us staring at the other, before she spoke.

"Oh my gosh" she whispered, flinging her arms around me as tightly as she could muster. She didn't even need to answer right now, I wouldn't let her. I had to kiss her. I had to feel that golden, perfect sensation I felt every time our lips made contact. So I did it. I kissed her so deeply, with so much passion that I can't even describe it. In that moment, I didn't need words to know she felt the same, although hearing it would've just sealed the deal. Reluctantly, I pulled away, keeping her tightly in my arms.

"I love you too" she admitted, gazing up into my eyes with purpose and meaning. "Even if you are an evil creature of the night... I don't care. I love you... it doesn't matter what you are." That was all I needed to hear.

Hastily, I ushered her inside her apartment and shut the door before I let the kissing resume. She was just as egar as I was, kissing me desperately and tugging at my shirt. I lifted my arms and allowed her to remove it, quickly and easily just as she had before. While still kissing me, she lead me out of the living room and into her bedroom. I briefly glanced around before flopping down onto the bed, bringing Sydney down on top of me. Needless to say, things heated up very very quickly, though it seemed only my clothes were coming off. When I was lead there in only my boxers I removed my mouth from hers.

"Come on!" I teased, gesturing to my exposed body, "this is hardly fair is it?" with a giggle she gave me a quick kiss on the lips before allowing me to remove her shirt... then her skirt... and the rest followed, as did my boxers. After kissing for a little while longer I flipped her over so that I was above her. I looked down at her, admiring how naturally beautiful she was, relishing in the fact that she was all mine.

"You sure you wanna do this?" I asked. That really was new for me, usually I was the type of guy to just carry on anyway... but Sydney was different, more important than all the other girls I'd slept with. "Once you do this there's no going back... you're stuck with me."

"Good" she giggled, "maybe I wanna be stuck with you." As she gazed lovingly up into my eyes, I knew she wasn't lying and I knew Lissa was right. I'd made the right choice. I was completely and utterly head over heals in love with this girl.

I placed my lips back over hers and we picked up where we left off... the rest is history.

I gave her my heart.

Once again... deepest apologies for the lateness! If it's any consolation, I stayed up untill 2am to finish this when I had to be up at 8am! That right there is my punishment.

xx