Most of American life consists of driving somewhere and then returning home, wondering why the hell you went. - John Updike

Duke:

January 7th

I woke up this morning with an aching head and a heavy heart. Matchbox 20's "The Difference" had just ended and the hidden track after it started when I turned off my player. I don't know why I'd agreed to let Julia on board and take her to down to meet an old beau from her Darfur days in Florida when I was only planning on going one state south. She'd nagged me, whined at me, stowed away, and then gotten sea-sick. If I offered to turn around or head in to port, she got offended. There was no winning with her.

I did have pity on her for the sea sickness, having experienced it myself, but she thought I was trying to get in her pants and nearly bit my head off, angry that I also wasn't heaving my guts up on relatively calm seas. I left her to stew at the rail after that. I tried to convince myself that it was worth it to get out of Maine. Thankfully, Mr. Youkisama was where he was supposed to be in Seabrook and I was able to make my delivery while Julia was sleeping off the initial phase of sea sickness in my room.

It had taken a couple of days, but we'd gotten all the way down to the middle of Florida, to some little coastal town where I had to pay exorbitant amounts to get a slip for the night at the marina. I told her that she could fly back if she preferred, and that I would loan her the money for a ticket, but she had somehow managed to lose her driver's license, thus couldn't get on the plane. This was the point where I wanted to throttle her. I agreed to spend an extra day down there and take her back up the coast against my better judgment.

She called her old boyfriend and they went out and I sunned myself on my boat, happy to be on the ocean, complaining passenger gone, have the temperature be above 40 degrees, and Morgan on my lap. Buddha was correct, the simplest things are the most beautiful. I did garner some strange looks though for wearing shorts and a T-shirt without a coat. Floridians don't know what cold is. They should try a balmy spring day in Maine where it can be 20 degrees on a good day.

Julia eventually came back with fresh oranges, and some paper bags from the local market, which she promptly squirreled away in my refrigerator. She threw me an orange and then accused me of being a show off when I peeled the skin off it in one piece. OK, she might have been right about being a show off. However, a genuine Florida orange deserves respect. It was way better than the ones sold in the local market back home. When the hell had I started thinking of Haven as home? Must be getting time to move on again, with or without Audrey. Probably without. She'd want to stay behind and help the Troubled.

Julia cooked dinner that night, steak and potatoes grilled outside, as a thank you for getting her to Florida. She claimed the steak was for Morgan, and the potatoes were for me, but I decided my karma was good enough Buddha wouldn't mind me eating the steak. After all, I had brought Julia all the way down here, and it wasn't like I killed the cow. Best not let good steak go to waste.

The next morning we set off once more to the great white north. The first day had been fine, but the ones after that went south quickly as we sailed further north. We got to Delaware before she told me I was the devil and my boat was hell. This time when I offered, she got off the boat. Somehow she'd now found her lost license, which had ended up under my bed. What the hell it was doing there I doubt I will ever know. I certainly didn't put it there, and Julia had slept on the couch in the galley to be close to a porthole when the urge to chum for fish hit. She rented a car and drove back to Maine. I spent the night in Delaware, not looking forward to heading back into the frigid northern cold, nor of seeing Nathan and Audrey. I knew I should have spoken to Audrey before I left but I was angry at Nathan who had seen me and kissed her possessively on New Year's and I didn't want to take it out on her.

Also, truth be told, I was feeling too confined. First it had been the stay on Carpenter's Knot from the ice storm, then staying with Nathan. There were too many people around. Virtually no one visited me on my boat, and those that did I could easily deny if I so chose. Living in town was a different matter. It was a constant reminder that I was persona non grata to most people in Haven. At best I was the troubled child of the town whore, at worst a maniacal criminal out to steal Grandma's silver spoons and murder her in her bed.

I never liked to stay one place for too long. Especially Haven. There were too many people here that felt I was no better than I ought to be and that because of my family history, I was inherently scum. Yankee honesty is not a virtue when you are the one they are turned against. I had some defenders in town, the Chief, Eleanor, the McShaws, but most of the town didn't like me on principle. My family and I didn't go back 7 generations, we weren't native, and we were trouble-makers. When I left the last time, I hadn't intended to ever come back.

I might have spent the rest of my life running from Haven until Dr. Carr called. I must have been possessed when I gave her my cell number. She thought I'd like to make the arrangements for my uncles, who had passed. Somehow, I'd never gotten around to leaving this time. First it was settling their estate, then it was Gerty having a breakdown, preventing me from leaving port, then it was Audrey and suddenly I didn't want to leave port. That is, I didn't want to leave until I was up close and personal with the townspeople (and Nathan) for a week straight.

Now I was staring at Haven, not wanting to enter the harbor again. Still, the whole damn trip had taken 7 days, and it was time I went in to face the music. I at least owed Audrey an apology for leaving like that. I sighed as I felt the smooth surface of Gerty's wheel under my hands. She bucked a little, but then settled and started steadily making her way into the harbor. The steady thrum of her engines soothed me, a quiet white noise to drown out all of my thoughts and feelings. They had sounded good, and she was quick to make her way through the lanes, though she resented being tied to the dock as she always did. Can't say I blamed her, I didn't want to be tied either.

I disembarked and paid my respects to the harbormaster as well as my docking fees. Then I went grocery shopping at Edith's small store. It amused me that she insisted I keep my hands in sight at all times. I'd swiped an apple from her when I was 8. Now it was more of a joke between us. I gave her one of the oranges Julia had given me down in Florida. Edith was an old spinster, and she had no trouble telling anyone what she thought of them, which is probably why she hadn't married. It was fun as hell to be around the old lady when she was drunk. I remember her once telling me that the Chief was a "wuss" because he wouldn't walk barefoot across the snow to get a scarf she'd lost in a snowstorm.

Groceries in hand, I went to Rosemary's and picked up some cupcakes and whoopee pies. I thought that Audrey might like to try whoopee pies. I doubted that she would turn down chocolate cake and marshmallow frosting. Rosemary glared at me the entire time I was in her store, and gave me my change like I'd left some sort of indelible stain on her person just by handing her my payment. Rosemary wasn't nearly as entertaining as Edith.

I left Rosemary and decided to visit Audrey at the station to drop off the cupcakes and whoopee pies. I was surprised when Stan told me Audrey and Nathan had gone on vacation together. They'd gone inland to do skiing, and were going to head south and west to New Hampshire then swing back up the coast. They'd be back in 2 days.

Ole Nate didn't look gift horses in the mouth, nor let moss grow on him, I'd give him that. Leave him alone with Audrey for a week and he found a way to get her out of town and alone. I thanked Stan for the information and meandered back over to the bed and breakfast where both Audrey and Julia were staying. I slipped a note under Audrey's door, inviting her to dinner at a time, date, and place of her choosing. I stopped in to check on Julia, who looked surprised to see me. She reiterated that Nathan and Audrey were gone for the rest of the week.

Having struck out with Audrey and ascertained Julia survived the long drive, I went back to my boat and began fixing dinner. I still had the steak leftovers that Julia made, and decided to use them to make chili. There was no sense in letting the meat go bad. It was hot, just the way I liked it.

Unfortunately, about an hour after I finished it, I could feel that something was wrong. I was having trouble breathing, and I was getting lightheaded. I tried to control my breathing as I searched for my epi-pen. The last time I had an allergic reaction like this was when I ate the zucchini bread when I was 13 and collapsed in front of the whole school. Since then I'd been careful of making sure I didn't get close to the tasteless vegetable. I was at a loss as to how zukes ended up in chili I made, but it must have happened somehow. A few gasping moments of searching and I found the pen, and jammed it into my thigh. I stayed there for a few seconds, expecting the symptoms to ease, but they got worse. I was getting numb now, and breathing was getting even harder. I lurched to the phone to call Julia, gasping out that my epi-pen hadn't worked.

I crashed to the deck, and focused on continuing to breathe. An eternity later, Julia was there with a man. He reached out to touch my face. I saw the tattoo on his forearm and my own death.