I dont own Naruto. I do own... well, pretty much nothing.

And as said below, please review!? I got two on the last chapter.

Chapter XX: Zombie Combo vs Squad Lightning

Josh leaned back behind the rock, slid out the clip, reloaded, and resumed firing.

The first lesson in officer training.

Never underestimate your enemy. It costs lives in the field.

The swordsman had underestimated the enemy forces and promptly led his squad right into an ambush. No problem for him normally, but someone had been making upgrades.

The first kunai to hit him had drained a quarter of his shield.

A movement in his peripheral vision caused him to twist, fire off two bursts, and dropped two shinobi in their paths. There was no end to them. Without the element of surprise, as he had with Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu had been much harder to pinpoint and eliminate. The two were constantly flaring their demonic chakra signatures, which were overloading and jamming his sensors.

Thanks to the fact that his mind was shielded by his helmet, Josh couldn't locate where they were, and he was not about to take off his armor in the middle of a war zone, immortal or not.

As he mulled these things over, a burst of flame, followed by ultra-tight jets of water hit his cover, causing the huge rock to be reduced to hundreds of fragments of shrapnel that pinged off his armor, but more importantly, also exposed him to their onslaught.

"Fuck this shit. Everyone! Hold them off! I'll cut a path through them and engage Hidan! Once he's dead, they should stop coming like this!"

Josh leapt backward, twisted in midair, slotted his rifle and drew his sword, hit the ground, and charged into the swarm, decapitating shinobi as they tried to hit him. Naruto… you had better be doing better.

Naruto ducked behind a tree, formed two hundred Kage Bunshin, and charged with the rest of them, Haraishining around and taking out ninja. However, the Haraishin was not as invulnerable as it once was, and considering the stresses that teleportation put on the body, it took little more then a gust of wind to dispel them.

As the blond retreated again, he noticed several bubbles floating toward them, then paled. "Get down!"

Too late. The bubble exploded in a multi-colored and multi-elemental explosion, taking out a good chunk of the forest and most of the attacking ninja.

"Kakuzu… what the hell. You have the Rokubi?"

"Correct, Kyuubi. Now, come quietly, and I won't have to destroy everything…"

"Like you could! Initial Guardian Art-"

The ancient Akatsuki member flashed through several seals, and blew bubbles out of his mouth at the furiously signing jonin.

"Katon: Phoenix Flame!"

The lance of flame shot right through the bubbles, seemingly deflecting off them until Kakuzu deflected them with one hand, the resulting explosion taking out another huge chunk of forest.

"Is that all? Pathetic."

"That's nowhere near all! Hinata! Tenten! Shizune! NOW!"

The three nodded and unrolled several pre-prepared scrolls, wiped some blood on them, and launched several score of marked kunai at the Akatsuki member.

"You may be able to take out my Kage Bunshin… but-"

Naruto phased out of existence and reappeared briefly to sight as he flashed between the seals.

"Can you deal with the real me?"

"Wha-"

"RASENGAN!"

The energy sphere collided with the Akatsuki member's back, launching him into the air. "I'M NOT DONE YET!"

The blond drew his sword, formed several dozen Kage Bunshin, and kicked off the ground, sword glowing slightly, his clones trailing behind, Rasengans of all sorts brightening the night sky with a multicolored light show.

"INITIAL GUARDIAN ART! HUNDRED MOONBEAM SEAL!"

"Too slow!"

Kakuzu easily blocked the first hit with his hardened arm, but Naruto just grinned. "Oh, really? Try to stop this."

He disappeared and reappeared behind the missing-nin, giving another lightning-fast blow, which was too blocked. "Is that all you've got?"

Naruto didn't reply. He didn't need to. In the space of five seconds and ninety-eight more blows, Kakuzu was sealed up more tightly then a chick in an egg, struggling against the Guardian bonds that held him tightly.

"I WASN'T TRYING TO CUT YOU! THE SEAL WILL HOLD YOU IN PLACE FOR NOW! FUTON: RASENSHURIKEN!"

"RAITON: YAJIRUSHIPIASU!"

"KATON: KUSSAKUSAI!"

"DOTON: HASAITEKKO!"

"SUITON: DEKISHIDOKU!"

The resulting explosion lit up the night sky, but Naruto wasn't done yet. He charged back into the melee, this time aiming to take off Kakuzu's head.

No such luck. Kakuzu ripped through the seal in a show of brute strength, caught the jonin's sword with one hand, and sent him careening back toward the ground, sword flying in the opposite direction.

"You fool… do you really think that such petty tricks will work on me? Madara has told us of your powers and how to counter them… Shame that I can't collect the bounty on your head right now… I've heard that the Sandaime Tsuchikage had fifty million on your head… but your bijuu counts for more. Maybe they'll let me have the body?"

The said ninja spat out a mouthful of blood and drew his chakra blade. "Go to hell!" he snarled as he jumped back up and attacked the aged warrior.

"YAAAHHH! JASHIN-SAMA WILL BE MOST PLEASED WITH YOUR SACRIFICE!"

Either this guy's a lunatic, or he really follows Jashin. I really don't know how anyone could follow that retard, but I guess his religious choices are up to him… man, I hate religious nutcases…

"Jashin, huh? Crazed bloodsoaked bastard last time I saw him. Don't know what you see in the guy, but I guess that's up to you."

"JASHIN-SAMA WILL SMITE YOU-"

The swordsman snorted as he blocked the scythe again with his sword. "If we were going to be smite, it would have happened a long time ago. Kami was not pleased when Naruto pulled down her dress and mooned everyone… who the hell knew she was kinky to the point where she doesn't wear panties!?"

For once, Hidan was left speechless, but this didn't stop him from attacking any less recklessly with his scythe. The scythe had been imbued with the same capabilities as the kunai thrown at him earlier, so any hit on him would drain his shield. He didn't put it past them to have enhanced the weapon with anti-armor capabilities either. Strangely, the few times his armor had been breached, it had not been by missile or explosion, but by the sword or axe of antiquity.

He was especially wary of the fact that there was a very remote possibility that this weapon had been blessed by the gods, in which case it would cut through his last line of defense against energy and weapons, the guardian sheathe, like a hot knife though butter. This would also make it an anti-guardian weapon, since it would attacked the source of guardian power and immortality, the soul.

"HAH! GOT YOU!"

"SHIT!"

With his momentary lapse into thought, Hidan got under Josh's guard and took a vicious swipe at the guardian, collapsing the energy shield, cutting a swath out of the armor's breastplate, and a narrow line across his chest, and splattering blood across the ground.

"HA! BLOOD!"

"Ah… fudgepops."

Meanwhile, Naruto wasn't having much more luck with Kakuzu.

The Rokubi's ability to spew bubbles fused with Kakuzu's five elemental types was causing major trouble for Naruto. Not to mention the fact that Kyuubi was still sealed; and the tank of Guardian Energy given to him by Josh was rapidly dwindling.

Every time Naruto launched a elemental attack of any kind, it would proceed to bounce around like a pinball in a pinball machine until it reached Kakuzu, who would deflect it with ease. And if he tried an elementally neutral jutsu, like Rasengan, the bubbles would explode, taking out several Kage Bunshin with it.

"Are you done yet?" Kakuzu said, looking bored.

"I'm never done. SAI! KAKASHI! NOW!"

There had been a contingency plan explained on the flight for all of the potential Akatsuki members and their possible bijuu pairings. There was a strong chance for Kakuzu and the Rokubi, since the bubbles would allow him to disperse his attack in the same fashion as the Phoenix Spark did, creating a nearly impenetrable minefield.

In this case… you know what, why don't I just show you what happens.

"Ninpou: Choju Giga."

A flock of birds emerged from Sai's scroll and divebombed toward the minefield of bubbles.

"That won't work on-"

"Raiton: Raikiri!"

"What?"

As the ink animals hit the bubbles, they disintegrated, revealing kunai in the middle blazing with lightning.

"I knew that you could counter any attack from me, since you could see my moves. After all, the bubbles have to be detonated manually, right? So, a few kunai, a little ink, some ninja wire, and a Raikiri were all that were needed to pop the bubble. HERE I COME!"

Naruto concentrated, formed a Rasenshuriken, and threw it. "UZU! NOW! Raiton: Raikiri! Katon: Phoenix Flame!"

"… Ninpou: Forced Fusion…"

Uzu dropped out of the sky, grabbed the Raikiri and diverted the Phoenix Flame onto the Rasenshuriken, sealed rapidly, and fused the three into a glow nimbus of energy that was on a collision course with Kakuzu.

"EREMENTARUATO: KAMINARI MORETSU NA HARIKEN!"

"… and for those who don't speak the language, that translates roughly as 'Elemental Art: Lightning Firestorm Hurricane… Man… that's a mouthful."

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, UZU!"

If they had thought that the Rasenshuriken and the other second tier Elemental Rasengan were explosive, the hybrid technique was the equivalent of the Castle Bravo test explosion, exceeding all their previous estimates.

"Boom, Sucker."

The resulting explosion sucked the oxygen from the air, popping the bubbles, which added to the growing fireball. Had this been on the ground, it would have flattened the forest for several square miles and likely gotten everyone else killed. As it was, the shockwave was enough to knock over several acres of old-growth forest and sent the blond tumbling though the air, struggling to regain control.

"Gotcha."

"Initial Guardian Art: Freezing Flame Blade!"

"YAAHH!"

Jesus… does this guy have an off switch? I swear he's worse then Naruto high on crack. But I have to stop him from drawing that circle, or I'm in for a world of pain…

The sword bounced off the scythe, jarring his hand even though his gauntlets. "Figures. Guardian attacks don't work too well on blessed weapons, now do they?"

Hidan stabbed himself again, trying to draw the circle. "Not on my watch, you pincushion!"

Josh punched the earth, sending cracks scurrying across the ground toward the nearly completed circle, disassembling it again. "You'll have to move faster than that!" he yelled, charging the religious fanatic.

As the two clashed repeatedly, the rest of Josh's team was being slowly pushed back, away from the said guardian, and toward a deep ravine, explosions and falling trees marking their retreat.

The swordsman jumped out the way of a swipe that would have taken his leg off had it been allowed to connect, and countered with a pre-cooked grenade, which exploded and did absolutely nothing to Hidan in terms of slowing him down.

"Screw this." He traced two fingers down the length of the sword, muttering as he went. "Sacred Guardian Art: Blade of Two Flames! Blade Number One: Phoenix Flame! Blade Number Two: Dragon Flame!"

The silver-haired Akatsuki smirked and twirled his scythe, deflecting the flaming X with barely a glance. "JASHIN-SAM-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT JASHIN? I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR YELLING! YOU WANT A FIGHT? I'LL GIVE YOU ONE! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A BLESSED WEAPON!"

Josh threw his sword away; the blade lodging itself several inches inside of a nearby cliff face. "I normally wouldn't pull him out to fight a weakling like you, but that scythe and mouth of yours are really pissing me off!"

Hidan didn't respond, instead, he was busy tracing the circle that would link the two of them. "Too slow, dumbass!"

The brunette ripped a hammer off his helmet, twirled it into the air, chanting all the while. "From Thunder Hammer, to Lightning Blade, I call upon thee, MJOLINR NEO!"

With a huge flash of light and the cracking of thunder, the hammer lengthened, the head melting onto the length, turning into a sliver sword, which then fell into Josh's gauntleted fist, fitting smoothly into his palm.

However, contrary to what the silver swordsman had said, Hidan had already completed the circle and was now proceeding to bring the scythe into his liver, kidneys, and lungs.

Now, don't get me wrong. Guardians are immortal and are nigh on impossible to kill, save the destruction of their soul, exposure, starvation due to their ultra-high metabolism, or the complete and utter vaporization of their body, but that's not to say that they didn't feel pain.

Josh collapsed, overwhelmed at having several of his internal organs heavily damaged at the same time. He was accustomed to pain, but only one organ at a time. Having one's liver, kidney, and lung shredded is not something that any person should get used to, even if they were immortal and wielded a very temperamental weapon which would give him the unexpected lightning bolt, despite the fact that the said weapon had chosen him to be its wielder.

"Damn it… You got me."

"YAAAH!"

"SAY SOMETHING ELSE, GODDAMNIT!"

"JASHIN-SAMA WILL SMITE YOU!"

"Kage Mane no Jutsu!"

The two combatants turned to see the young Nara crouching, forming the trapping seal. One arm seemed to be held up by the other, and blood trickled down his face, but he was quite steady. "Josh, if you're going to do something, do it now!"

Josh groaned as he picked himself and Mjolinr Neo off of the ground. "That's my line, Goddamnit! Just hold him there."

"Well, hurry up! He's breaking the hold!"

"I'm on it, I'm on it. Keep your fruit hair on!" He staggered to his feet, coughed up blood, which landed all over his visor. Great, now, on top of the pain and bloodloss, he couldn't see worth crap.

"Sacred Guardian Art: Thunder Fist!"

With a huge crack and several blinding lightning flashes, Hidan's head was removed from his shoulders, flying and landing with a sickening crunching splat several dozen feet away.

"Damn… Naruto wasn't kidding when he said that they were tough… fucking jashinist… every single time I fight one of them I come out on the rough side. Ah well. It looks like Naruto is still fighting."

Shikamaru relaxed his pose, sore from trying to hold down the powerful shinobi. "I should have killed him…"

"And why, pray tell? And how, for that matter. It took a Thunder Fist to knock his head off. Whichever bijuu he had really increased his speed, so it was hard for me to get a clean hit in."

"He killed my sensei…"

Josh sighed, popped off his helmet, spat out some more blood, wiped down the visor, and leaned back into a tree. "I don't know what to tell you, kid. It's always a sad day when a mentor dies… I've only had to go though that once. Sorry for your loss… If it makes you feel better, there's still the off chance that he's still alive. Go and stab his face in if it makes you feel any better."

"Yeah, thanks. I think I will."

As Shikamaru went over, kunai in hand, Josh put on a headset, spun the gadget active, and took a quick bio-scan of himself. The results were not pretty.

His left Kidney had been completely destroyed, the left lobe of his liver shredded, and his left lung was collapsed. Well, one war at a time.

Josh shifted just enough to pull out a small patch, which he fit over the wound in his armor, directly above his left lung. With a squelching noise, it magnetically bound itself to the alloy, dropping after that and fusing with his skin and organs, sealing off the wound and allowing for the next part of his treatment.

After taking several deep breaths to hyper-oxygenate his blood, he put a small tube to his mouth, turned on the vacuum, and proceeded to extract all of the blood, along with years of ash and tar residue out of his lungs, blocking off the waste compartment, and reinflating his deflated lung. It wouldn't be working well for a while, but it was better then walking around with a sack of blood in your chest.

"All right. The liver and kidney can wait. Just to make sure that that Jashinist bastard is really dead, take out his minions, then over to Naruto."

As he stood back up, Shikamaru went flying backwards and into a tree, which snapped in half under the force. "He's still alive!" the Jonin called.

Josh snorted, slotted on his helmet, and stood up shakily. "Well, you don't say." He said dryly.

The guardian had seen many bizarre things in his numerous years. People coming back from the dead was not entirely new to him. People getting limbs ripped off certainly weren't. But a beheaded guy searching around for his head on the ground was certainly up there among the strangest things he had ever seen.

"Round up the others and tell them to get the fuck out of dodge."

Shikamaru wiped a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth. "You'll get killed."

Josh opened up two unseen fins in his armor, dumping excess heat. "Psh. I wish I could get killed. Then I wouldn't have to go though all this shit constantly."

The fruit-haired man nodded and leapt away, shooting back a questioning look. "Great. Another suicidal leader who wants to go at it alone. I thought Naruto was bad enough."

"Great. Someone else with a brain. Could be useful, but also dangerous should he gain any power. First thing's first, though. Gotta get rid of that Jashinist Bastard."

As he twirled the sword back into its hammer form, restoring forty percent of the weapon's power, Hidan found his head at last and reattached it, restoring use of his lungs. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Well," Josh said to himself, extending the hammer and resting it upon his shoulder, "At least he's stopped yelling about Jash-"

"JASHIN-SAMA WILL SMITE YOU!"

"GODDAMNIT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Naruto smacked his way though two dozen trees, a stream, several raspberry bushes, and finally landing in a cave with a bear. After leaving behind a gift of ramen, he shot back out of the cave, looking up at the sky.

The residue from his last attack still hung in the sky like a low cloud, spreading and thinning slowly. "Naruto to Hinata. Any movement in the cloud?"

Nothing came back. Well, unless you count a grating static as something coming back.

"Looking for me?"

"Wha-"

Before he could get any more out, Kakuzu backhanded Naruto so hard that the blond was once again sent flying through multiple sets of trees, stripping them of bark, branches, leaves, and squirrels as he bashed his way through them.

Using another concentrated series of bursts, as well as the last of the Guardian Energy that Josh had give him, the Jonin leveled out his flight, twirled, and kicked off a tree back toward Kakuzu.

"YOU BASTARD! WHA-"

The Akatsuki member didn't even give him a chance to finish yelling, as he sent the blond flying again with another spinning kick, this time landing in the middle of a lake.

After making sure that all of his teeth were still intact after that faceplant, Naruto staggered to his feet, sinking a little in the water. "He's fast… The Rokubi wasn't this fast… unless he's learned to-"

"Boost our movements? Yes…"

The blond spat out another mouthful of blood, wincing at his cracked ribs. "That's gonna leave a mark I'm gonna feel in the morning."

"You'll be dead by the morning." And with that last piece of banter, Kakuzu phased out of sight again, this time knocking Naruto several hundred feet in the air. Now, had Kyuubi still been able to help him, dodging these attacks would have been child's play. At the very least, he could block them. But in his exhausted and wounded state, he was at the ancient shinobi's mercy.

Unfortunately for him, Kakuzu had never bothered to learn the point and terms of "Mercy".

After having his spine cracked in four places, both lungs punctured, his femur broken, and accumulating several dozen more small stab wounds, Kakuzu kicked him back into the lake from a hundred feet up, sending a wave several feet high streaming water across the shores.

"Well, if he comes up, I'll tell Pain that I killed him by accident. Shouldn't be too hard to sell…"

Naruto would have been screaming in pain right now, but to take more liquid into his lungs in addition to the blood already there was completely out of the question. Great. I'm outclassed, outgunned, and outmatched. What can I do…

Despite having a reputation for being an idiot, the Uzumaki Heir was not stupid by any stretch of the imagination. In terms of reactive combat, you would be hard-pressed to find a better person. However, you would be better off with the average warthog for analysis and troubleshooting of plans.

Well, if it comes down to this…

Naruto pulled a small vial from his equipment pouch. Surprisingly, despite all that it had gone through, the glass was still completely intact. Not so much as a scratch or ding on it.

He grasped it tightly, thinking back.

Flashback:

Josh stood stoically at the gates, staring out at the rapidly setting sun. One of them had always been early to the mission, thinking if it might be their last. Usually, it was Naruto, but since he hadn't remembered the tradition, Josh had taken up the mantle.

"You're here early."

The Armored Guardian sighed and shook off his helmet. "I've been thinking."

"Oh boy…"

"I'm serious, Naruto. If these people are Bijuu-Enhanced, then this mission just got a thousand times more dangerous. I'm considering going at it on my own."

"You would never make it."

The swordsman sighed. "Naruto, I'm a member of The Ten, the ninth youngest Sacred Guardian ever, and on top of that, I've got nearly three thousand years of combat experience. What could they do?"

The blond didn't reply at first, preferring to heat up water and make a bowl of ramen, a habit that he had picked up after getting the first fragment of his memory back. After downing half the bowl, he threw it away, causing a nearby Chunin to scream at the unexpected downpour of excessively hot broth.

"Well? Anything?"

Naruto looked out at the sunset as well. So pretty… the last vestiges of light fading below the horizon. "It's just that they know exactly how to counter everything that I could do. I didn't know it at the time, but now that I look back at it, they were countering my Demonic Chakra with Guardian Energy. How the hell they got it, I have no idea. Probably the same guy who set them on this wild goose chase. Chances are they'll know how to counter your techniques. Add in the fact that they know you wield a gun, energy shield, and explosives, it wouldn't be hard to have close-in people."

"I have a SWORD, you know."

"And they have strength in numbers. You would be simply overrun."

Josh shook his head. "It's still too risky for you guys. If I fall, my armor sends out a beacon that lets GHQ know where I am and how I died. Reinforcements would be here within days."

"I am NOT about to let one of my friends die if I can help it."

"You do realize that even under the best of circumstances, one or two of the team in the original plan will be paralyzed for life?"

Naruto bit his lip. "I cannot believe that I'm about to say this, but I'm doing this for the greater good of the rest of my friends."

"Sorry about this in advance."

"Wha-"

"BITCHSLAP NO JUTSU!"

The resulting smack sent the jonin cartwheeling into the nearby entrance checkpoint, completely destroying the small shack.

"That's the oldest ninja line in the book, you know."

"I see you've gotten better with Kawarimi…"

"Had to, once I lost my memories and Guardian Sheath."

"All right. We'll go with the original plan. But here, I want you to have this."

Josh palmed something into Naruto's hand. "All right, what the hell is this?"

"Memory vial. Grabbed it off Fishman before I detonated my C-12. I've done an analysis, and it's yours. Fuse it, and you should have powers back up to your fourth tier."

"How do I know it's mine? And why don't I just use it now?"

The guardian sighed. "Cuz I've never had to restore someone's memory like this before. Sure, I've removed memory blocks from inside someone's head, but I've only ever read about something like this. If it were up to me, I would put you in a stasis chamber and run it from there, but there isn't enough time for that. Know the theory well enough though. Put it on the pressure point on the back of your neck and push. If the memory is truly yours, then the vial will break and your memory will be restored. If it's not, then it'll just slip off. And as for how I know that it's yours… well, let's just say that I've seen enough ramen to last me for a lifetime."

End Flashback.

Naruto closed his fist around the vial. He would have taken a deep breath, but being fifty feet underwater tends to discourage that. Well, here goes nothing. He thought, and slammed the vial against his neck.

Nothing happened for a few seconds.

Then the pain came. Mind-numbing pain, Pain, if he were above water, would have been described as someone pouring liquid fire into his veins and topping it off with napalm on his skin.

Since he was chilled to the bone and Napalm doesn't burn so well under pressurized water, it would be more appropriate to describe the pain as someone pouring hot ramen soup into your veins and serving you to a hungry Naruto, who then proceeded to take large chunks out of your flesh, chewing slowly before going back in for another bite.

Perhaps I have gone too far with the pain, and we should return to the scene as seen from Kakuzu.

The second-oldest Akatsuki member sat at the edge of the lake, calmly counting his money that he had gotten from his last bounty. Nothing quite like passing the time with finances as he waited for his prey to resurface.

And what a resurfacing it was.

Naruto twisted out of the water like a orange dolphin, spinning through the air and landing light as a leaf on the surface of the water.

"I see you decided not to take my advice."

The blond waved this off. "In your dreams, string cheese."

Kakuzu tried to phase out again, but Naruto blocked the kick. "I know your fighting style… tell me, was it Hermes that put you up to this? Or maybe Mercury? Or was it Death's Bastard Cousin, Thanatos? Or one of their underlings?"

"Fool…"

"Yes, I pity them. And you're about to get a funeral."

With a twist, windup, and a throw, Kakuzu went flying.

Naruto assumed a strange position, and Josh did a variant some distance away. Mind synching really helps sometimes.

"You know." They both said at the same time, voices becoming intermingled as their energy levels spiked. "I really hate bastards like you."

Naruto raised his right hand, made half a ram seal, grasped his forearm with his left hand, and chanted, along with Josh. "By the power granted to me, I call upon thee… INITIAL HOLY GUARDIAN!"

Both of them disappeared in blinding flashes of light that made the detonation of the Lightning Firestorm Hurricane look like a sparkler compared to a nuclear explosion. Anyone who would have been looking directly at the time would have had the image burned into their retinas for the next couple of weeks.

As the light slowly faded, they dropped from their poses and drew weapons.

"What was that glorified light show?"

Naruto and Josh both grinned. While the taller of the two had his eyes hidden behind his helmet, anyone could have seen Naruto's eyes.

And anyone not familiar with Guardians would have freaked.

Naruto no longer had sky-blue eyes. Instead, his eyes were the purest of silver, glinting in the fading light and in amusement. "That, my dear dairy product, is the beginning of your end."

Over two fields, Hidan asked a less refined version of that question, as in "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? WAS IT JASHIN-SAMA!? I TOLD YOU HE WOULD SMITE YOU!"

Josh grinned. "Oh, trust me. Jashin won't be able to save you from this. And-" he phased out of sight, only to reappear and kick Hidan plenty far away. "Believe me, that drunkard wouldn't want to mess with a very pissed me right now. Sure, he'll win, but I'll give him indigestion for the next four thousand years."

"INITIAL GUARDIAN ART: HYPER-BOTHER!"

"The hell?"

"BOTHER TIME!"

"THE HELL!?"

As Kakuzu was increasingly bombarded with enhanced Kage Bunshin, nerd-slapping and yelling into his ears, the real Naruto retreated, along with Uzu.

"Alright. This is our one chance to take him down."

"… you do realize that the Hyper-Bother technique is probably one of the weakest techniques in your arsenal, right?"

"Hey, it's keeping him down, right?"

"… Point. So, what are we going to do about him?"

"Well, thanks to my new memories, I've recovered a chunk of my techniques… do we have any tanked SGE left?"

"… Enough for a low-level fusion."

"Well, that's not going to be much good. I guess I'll just have to go with the Planetary Attack."

Pause.

Rewind.

The Planetary Attack is really is an overexaggerated misnomer.

It does not launch huge heavenly bodies at the target. To do so would require enough energy so as to be classified as a god or enough shaped antimatter to vaporize said god. Even Naruto at full power couldn't blast a planet out of orbit with sheer energy. Now, destroying the planet was a completely different prospect, and the two did that by accident on occasion.

No, what the attack really was is far more disappointing. It consisted of a single Initial Guardian Rasengan surrounded by five miniature Elemental Rasengans orbiting it. The resulting impact, while not only drilling the target, carved a set of elliptical grooves, furthering the damage done.

Ok, Play.

"-"

Naruto quickly formed an IG Rasengan, holding it up and focusing on it. "Damn… it's been a while. A little help, Uzu?"

"… All right."

Instead of moving over and forming the Rasengan on his boss's fingertips, as was the standard for the Planetary Attack, he formed his own five Rasengan and threw them into the air.

The original jumped up, slipped the rotating ring around his larger sphere, twisted around…

To see Kakuzu on the ground, waving a white flag, while the Kage Bunshin around yelled triumphantly.

Que massive facefault by both Naruto and Uzu.

"… why did we go though all of that again?"

Naruto got back up, laughing bitterly. "Who knows. Where's the rope?"

Josh knocked the scythe away with his hammer, going on the offensive and crushing two of Hidan's ribs. "Damn. You really are immortal."

"HAHA! THANKS TO JASHIN-SAMA, I WILL KILL YOU!"

He shook his head. "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

And he really couldn't. Josh had taken steps to filter out Hidan's vocal frequency fifteen minutes into the fight. This meant that he could still hear everything but the silver-haired man and his religious yellings.

As the two immortals clashed, blessed hammer and scythe bouncing off each other constantly, the taller of the two began to build up a small charge in the back of his skull, directly behind his third eye point.

"Initial Guardian Art: Phased Lightning!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

Josh spun the hammer and slotted it onto his back. "I may not have anywhere near as much energy as Naruto, but I've picked up a few things from him over the years."

"THAT'S IM-"

"Ah ah ah!" he said, shaking one finger, as one might at a misbehaving child. "Guardians never say the 'I' word. Anything is possible if you have enough guts, time, money, and high explosives."

"JASHIN-SAMA!"

"CANNOT HELP YOU NOW FOOL! EAT MY PHASED LIGHTNING!"

Josh put both of his hands together and focused, sending a huge bolt of the said lightning at Hidan. The resulting explosion, while not anywhere near as impressive as Naruto in his prime could have done with Orange Lightning, was still enough to rip a hole right through the Akatsuki's chest, taking an arm and a leg with it.

"Gotcha."

"YOU BASTARD! JASHIN-SAMA WILL-"

"You still don't get it, do you?" Josh said, shaking his helmeted head. "There's a reason that it's called Phased Lightning. That was the first phase."

"YOU MEAN-"

"QUIT SCREAMING, YOU JACKASS! Yes, there are more phases. In fact, here comes phase two, right now."

"BASTARD-"

"Phased Lightning: Phase Two!"

A second bolt of lightning shot from Josh's palms, skewering Hidan's other lung and tearing off his remaining limbs.

"HAHA! CAN'T TALK WITHOUT YOUR LUNGS, CAN YOU BITCH!?"

Hidan's stump torso tried to yell back, but it is rather hard for even an immortal to do that when your lungs are little more than giant holes and what's left is filled with blood. Of course, that didn't stop him from trying.

"And here's the kicker. I've got one more phase left. Don't say a word. You're finished." He drew Mjolnir Neo and leaned it against his shoulder. "Tell Jashin that I've got his scythe. And don't bother trying to get him to smite me. Remind him that I have Mjolnir to protect me. Any lightning that he sends down will be nullified. Have a nice day in hell. Phased Lightning… PHASE THREE!"

Instead of blasting from his hands, this blast emerged from the middle of his forehead. This was the third eyepoint for guardians. True, it was the weakest of the three, but it was still plenty powerful for a high-powered lightning bolt to saw through flesh and bone. Hidan's head fell to the ground, blinking furiously at an attempt to blink the guardian to death.

"And you're out."

As Uzu tied down the last knot, Naruto returned with the last of his teammates. "That's it. Nobody's dead. A couple of broken arms and legs, but that's it. Nothing a quick healing jutsu or Senzu Bean can't fix. Where's Josh?"

"… Still over there somewhere. Hidan's energy is still around, though I can't say I'm surprised. The guy is invincible after all."

"Less talking more working, Uzu. Get them out of here and onto Josh's jet. You do know how to find it, right?"

"Yeah. It's somewhere over the rainbow. Once I get there, just follow the yellow brick road, right?"

Naruto facepalmed. "That's where I run from fangirls. Josh's jet is down a modified rabbit hole. Just look for barrel rolling rabbits. He's always leaving them lying around."

"…I see you've gotten more memory back."

"Yeah…" he said, clenching a fist. "And quite a bit of power, too. I hate to sound like I'm rushing you, but get them to the jet. If we don't make it, use your remaining power to go and get them back to Konoha. They should be safe there."

"… On it. What are you going to do?"

Naruto drew his sword and a half dozen kunai. "I'm gonna go give Josh some backup." He said, walking away into the forest.

"… Crazy man." Uzu observed as he carried Hinata and Kakashi away into the darkness, hoping to find a bunch of small mammals doing barrel rolls.

Author's Note:

Back. Told you it would be sooner!

Anyway, finally got my hands on Persona 4, so i'll be enjoying that on my trip to St. Louis on friday.

On another note, i have three pieces. Writer's block is setting in again, so i'll try to outflank it. These three will hopefully do so.

Hah...

Anyway, to the announcing part.

"Hidan and Kakuzu have been defeated! But what is the fate of Josh's team? What do they still have up thier sleaves? Find out next time, on Timeless, a Naruto Fanon!"

Well, until next time.

Xingster.

Ja ne.

P.S. Review, people. I got a grand total of two reviews for the last chapter. Bleah.