I don't own Naruto. I do own all OCs, original Jutsus, OC techniques, and all non-canon material. This is the last of the Disclaimers
Chapter XXII: Catastrophic Seal Failure
The door creaked open, revealing Hinata, Byakugan activated, still looking around cautiously. The hospital at night was notorious for having hidden nurse's pop out of nowhere. Rumor has it that the Godaime herself had a camouflaged station so well designed that even a Hyuga couldn't spot it without looking carefully.
The piece of metal was a small saw, designed to saw through casts without harming the person underneath. Her Jyuken would have worked just as well, but she didn't want to risk causing additional damage to her crush's already distressed chakra system.
She quietly closed the door, moving over to sit next to Naruto, who was staring pleadingly at her. There was no way for Hinata to resist.
Quickly plugging the saw in, she started cutting, one limb at a time, and when all four were free, the head and finally a cross on the torso. With a flexing and some plaster dust, Naruto broke free and took his first unobstructed breath in ten hours.
"Gah… Thanks, Hinata-chan. You're a lifesaver." He tried getting out of the bed, but merely resulted in face-planting and cracking two more ribs. "Ow…" the blond muttered into the ground, muffled. "Damn… forgot just how much weight I carry and how much I rely on chakra…"
Naruto shifted his head weakly. "Uhh, Hinata-chan? Do you mind doing me a favor?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice.
"There are weights on my body. Hit them with your Jyuken and they should release. Just leave them and let's get out of here before grandma notices."
Hinata nodded, gently tapping each of the invisible weights, which then fell silently away, making the floor tremble lightly with each impact. "I-It's off."
"Thanks," he grunted, picking himself up from the ground, still trembling. "Fuck, that hurts… I'm going to enjoy slowly torturing Josh…"
"Ano…"
"Well-" Naruto said as he tried to stay upright. "There is one problem. I can't seem to stay-" and with that, he fell over. "balanced." Came the muffled voice.
Shaking like an autumn leaf, Hinata took one arm, draping it over her shoulders before opening the window and leaping out, triggering an alarm that woke up every single patient, nurse, doctor, and Tsunade in the hospital.
Needless to say, they were not pleased.
Some two miles away, Josh looked up from his half-dismantled hulk, popped his visor, and smiled. "How did I know that was going to happen?" he muttered before returning to work, pulling out the fried remains of a gyroscope, tutting, and tossing it in the ever-growing scrap heap next to him.
At the gates of Naruto's home, after avoiding the candlelight vigil that was taking place on the opposing side of the hospital, Hinata wiped a small quantity of her blood on the gates, causing them to pop open immediately.
"Heh… I still don't know how you do that…"
Not knowing what to say, Hinata closed the gate behind them, wiped more blood on the newly sealed door, which too fell open.
"… Bout time you two lovebirds got back. Hiashi's been on the warpath. Again."
They looked up to see Uzu flick on a couple of lights, illuminating the inside with a soft glow. Most of the damage after the siege had been repaired, but traces still remained, including the gaping six-foot hole in the wall.
"Uzu. How long have you been there?"
"… Six hours, give or take a couple of minutes. Why?"
Naruto shot his copy a withering look. The effect, while hanging limply off of Hinata's shoulder, was less effective then he would have hoped, but the point had gotten across. You could have gotten me out six hours ago, and yet you chose to leave me to my fate?
"… And before you try to kill me, I'd like to defend myself by saying that I only physically manifested myself twenty minutes ago. Had trouble linking up with the body. Not my fault you put more security on it then your typical ramen supply."
"Not tonight, Uzu. Let me get some rest… and I'll kick your ass in the morning…" With that, he promptly passed out, pulling Hinata to the floor with him.
Uzu stood there for a second, bemused while looking down at the sight. "…Well. That is, if you live that long…"
Kneeling, he hefted his boss off of Hinata, who was passed out as well, looking like all the blood in her body had rushed to her face. "…Great." He muttered to himself. "… Now there are two of them."
Pulling out a small device given to him by Josh, Uzu ran it over Naruto's collapsed body twice, did a double take, and then ran it again. "… This is…"
He extracted a somewhat crumpled packet of smelling salts out of his pocket, then snapped it under Hinata's nose. The result was immediate. "N-Naruto-kun?"
"…No. I'm Uzu. But that's not why I woke you up. No time for talking." He said as urgently as he could, raising the device. "…Listen to me. I need you to go find Josh. When you do, bring him back here. If this thing is right, and I'm betting it is, the boss won't survive tonight without help."
"Tsunade-sama-"
"… Is good. I'll give her that. But she has no experience in treating a corrupted chakra coil, demonic poisoning, and severe mental barrier depletion. Of the three, the last is the most dangerous for boss and the rest of us."
"Ano-"
"… There's no time for this. I have no desire not to exist. Get Josh. Now."
"Ano-"
"… Fifteen minutes. That's all the time you have. Then I'll take more drastic measures."
Uzu's headset crackled. "Does drastic measures include sleeping off a drug-induced coma?"
Clicking on the radio, he responded instantly. "… Josh. Get your ass in here. We've got a CCC2, DP1, and SMBD. ETA failure time is thirty minutes for all seals."
The crackle of a sigh came over. "I've been camped out here for the last ten minutes. That blood seal is locking me out. Can you open the seal?"
"… No. In this form, I lack the authorization to open that seal. Boss is in no shape to lose any blood. I'll send Hinata down."
"Double-SSS? Roger that."
Uzu clicked off the radio and tossed it away. "…Get down to the gate, let him in, and get down to the dojo. Close the door behind you."
"Ano…"
"… do it now."
Without another word, Hinata got up and charged out of the room.
Naruto-kun's in danger… I have to do what I can.
Josh charged into the room and dropped his toolbox on the ground. "Sit-rep, Uzu."
"… Corrupted Primary Chakra Coil, an unstable influx of Kyuubi's chakra, and two of the seven seals have failed around its mind. We're doing everything we can to keep it in check, but its failing."
"ETA?" Josh said as he twisted off his gauntlet, slipping on a clear variant.
Uzu did some quick calculations, mouthing silent words to something. "…They tell me that the rate of failure is increasing. Twenty minutes. No more."
"Guess I'll have to work fast. Establish a shielded stasis field. Nothing goes in, nothing comes out."
Uzu nodded and sealed rapidly, putting up a glowing blue barrier.
"Right… It's been a while, but here we go…" Josh muttered to himself. "Sacred Guardian Art: Unholy Purification!"
He clawed his hands, tracing it up down the major chakra pipelines of Naruto's body. "Uzu. I need The Box."
The Box, as it was commonly referred to, was a tank of Purified Guardian Energy that was used to neutralize large quantities of demonic energy that a guardian couldn't process or eliminate naturally. Ridiculously expensive and hard to procure, it was only usually carried by Specialized Anti-Bijuu Guardian Squads to treat post-battle poisoning. Josh always carried a small amount for instances just like this one, despite the fact that, for a guardian squad, they rarely fought bijuu.
"That's the coils clear… Nothing more I can do about the influx right now. BMG?"
"… One sec." He once again mouthed off to something. "They say it's still in the B stage."
"Sooo…" Josh muttered as he slipped his regular gauntlet back on, flexing his fingers to ensure a secure connection. "I can still stop this…"
"… Yes and no."
"Clarify. Or I'll bring him out."
Uzu shuddered. "… The guys on the inside say that this rupture is more serious then the ones before."
"Worse then that one time!" Josh interjected.
"… Of course not. We were completely overwhelmed that time, thanks to somebody's meddling."
"Anyway," he said hurriedly, wanting to move on from the topic. "I'm moving in. Can you hold down the fort?"
"… Can I hold down the fort. Can I pass out in a Diabetic Coma on command?"
"… I'll take that as a yes."
Uzu sighed again. "… Just do your thing."
"Right… Right. Uzu. Stay clear. Sacred Guardian Art… Fuck…" Josh went down on one knee, panting heavily. "Damn… that took more energy then I thought… still not recovered from that last battle… Where's my senzu beans…"
Extracting a small bean, he popped it and chewed slowly. "Ah… that's better."
"… Are you done recharging yet?"
"Just about. Right. Let's try this again. Sacred Guardian Art: Living Memory!"
Instead of holding out his hand, Josh tapped Naruto's third eyepoint, phasing his consciousness into Naruto's mind, in essence, taking him there.
Uzu leaned back and focused on maintaining the barrier as best as he could with his scarce energy reserves. The shell, while it had been well-protected, had not been maintained properly, and Naruto was in no position to give him a desperately needed transfusion of energy.
What he did not expect was at that very moment, for the door to burst open, and Hinata to rush in, directly though his barrier.
"…Wha?"
"Naruto-kun?"
"… Stay back. Josh has this under control."
"But-"
"… You don't have the training or the power to enter Naruto's mind safely. Even I don't like going in there, and I'm from there. Just trust him."
Hinata didn't like it. Not one bit. But Uzu's glance told her there was nothing she could do.
Come on! You can do it! Just touch Naruto's forehead, and you'll be in there as well! Don't you want to see what his mind is like?
You? Hinata thought. It has been a while since that little voice had popped up inside her head.
Yes, me. Now, go do it!
I… I can't…
And why not?
Ano…
Just as I thought. Go for it!
All… All right…
"Ano… Uzu-san?"
"… Hmm?"
"Sorry in advance…"
"… Wait a second…"
Before Uzu could do much more then blink and try to release the barrier, Hinata jumped over to where Naruto lay and tapped his forehead gingerly.
What happened next, can only be described this way.
"GODDAMNIT! KI! KEEP THAT END DOWN! MA! NA! TO! MORE ENERGY!"
"Josh, for the last time! It's no good! It's entering the M Phase. We should focus on defeating it now!"
"SURE! JUST LIKE LAST TIME! BULLSHIT! I MAY BE MORE POWERFUL, BUT I STILL CAN'T TAKE DOWN THAT MONSTER! FOCUS ON CONTAINMENT!"
The scene inside Naruto's mind could only be described as mass chaos. Four Joshes were surrounding a huge cage, their hands glowing a cool blue, trying to pour their energy on a rapidly melting prison. Multitudes of Narutos were running around, hammering down seals and providing energy to the Joshes. Even as Hinata watched, Kyuubi extended one massive paw and placed the tip of one claw on top of Josh's head, channeling a stream of red energy.
"LAST SEAL IS FAILING! TWO MINUTES!"
"Damn it… SACRED GUARDIAN ART: HUNDRED MOONBEAM SEAL!" Josh was literally howling now, his helmet long forgotten. The collective moonbeams surrounded the cage, tightening, but half a second later, the silvery light fell away, revealing a gold cage, rapidly melting.
Inside was a raging Naruto, but was rapidly calming down and transforming… less and less animal and more human. However, the ambient energy was amazing. Even at this distance, it was all Hinata could do to remain standing and breathing.
"Josh! We don't have any other choice! Fall back! Fall back!"
"I WILL NOT LET THIS THING GET OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN! LAST TIME IT HAPPENED, IT ALMOST DESTROYED EVERYTHING!"
Just then, as Hinata was watching all of this, someone pulled her to her feet. Looking around in surprise, she saw herself pulling her up. However, this version of herself was dressed extremely differently.
This Hinata had her hair pulled back up in a ponytail, wore shin-length boots, and had on a miniskirt and a cropped jacket; all of it avocado-colored, through it was hard to tell in the flickering light. She did not appear to wear a shirt… or bra, for that matter.
"Are you…" the more conservatively dressed Hinata asked.
The other one rolled her eyes, straightening up. The first one tried not to stare at own assets jiggling in front of her eyes. Is this what Naruto-kun feels all the time?
"Yeah, I'm one of your other parts. From what they're saying, time is running short. Let's go help out our Naruto-kun!"
Leaning on each other, they walked toward the glowing nimbus, staggering whenever a pulse came through. Eventually, however, they made it to within sight range of Josh, who did a double take.
"WHAT THE FUCK? HINATA! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE! WHAT HAPPENED TO UZU?"
"That doesn't matter right now. Hinata! Trust me! Touch the cage!"
"NO!" Josh screamed as he tried to drop his hands, but his copies casting the seals had tied him up. "If you touch that cage, it'll transfer to and steal your soul! Don't do it!"
Hinata's alter ego nudged her and spoke softly enough that none of the Narutos around could hear. "If you truly love Naruto, this is the only way to save him. It won't be last time, though." She smiled. "But we'll be here for him every time, right?"
Hinata smiled weakly. "Ano… I'm not strong enough."
"You're you. That's more than enough."
With that, and a nod to her alter ego, Hinata's nervous fingers reached forward and brushed a finger against the bars of the mostly-melted cage.
"NO!"
At once, the spiraling energy stopped spewing in every which direction, and instead, settled into seals with strange writing on them, shrinking until they surrounded both the cage and her.
Her fingers trembling, she reached forward and grasped the cage instinctively.
At once, all of the seals around her transferred themselves to the cage, which shone purest orange for what seemed like ages before petering out. When that happened, and Hinata looked back at the cage, blinking stars out of her eyes, she was astonished to see the cage rebuilding itself, one layer at a time, until the Naruto inside started screaming again, and after the seventh and final cage was rebuilt, a external shell fell down, made of the darkest onyx, sealing off the sound to the outside world.
Josh, after the onyx layer had secured itself, fell back on his rear with a flump, the other three copies doing the same. "Damn… WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED! KI! NA! ANYONE OUT THERE!"
There was no reply. All around them, Narutos were passed out in every position, some of them still holding the hammers they were using to anchor the seals down.
Mustering what little energy he had left, Josh snapped his fingers and drew a small seal in midair. The other three versions of him faded away, and he sighed. "There… a little less consumption… Damn it, Hinata. What were you thinking? If you had died, Naruto would have haunted my ass for the next ten thousand years!"
"Ano…"
"HEY! Lay off, will ya? We just saved your asses!"
He snapped his eyes over to the other Hinata. "And who are you, I might ask?"
Inner Hinata folded her arms across her chest, offended. "For someone who just saved your life, you're not being very grateful."
"Yes, I'm really grateful that one of the worst things in existence didn't escape to a new host because of a stupid girl who wouldn't listen to a guardian who has seen it happen! Who are you?"
"I haven't picked out a name yet. But you should know what I am."
Josh palmed his face, sighed, and started looking around for his helmet. "Yes, yes. I know what you are. What I don't know are your classification and name. Those two things can tell me who you really are."
"You're going to have to wait. I have no plans to tell you anytime soon."
Finally finding his helmet, only to discover that the visor had been bashed in and the electronics scrambled beyond recovery did he finally kick it away. "Well. Whatever you are, let's get out of here. Maintaining this technique is extremely draining."
And with that, a swing of his sword and a half dozen muttered words, the mindscape faded, swirling away, taking all of them with it.
Hinata stirred slowly. First cracking open one eye, then the other. There wasn't a harsh fluorescent light above her, as was famous in the Konoha Hospital. Instead, a soft glow emanated from the walls, and as she sat up gingerly to look around, saw jars of softly burning fire, all with the slight scent of lavender.
This couldn't be the Hyuga compound, with its traditional far eastern design. This home was designed with comfort in mind. Her clan compound, while beautiful, was designed for function, not comfort. The bed she was in proved that point. Before she could look around any more, a knock came at the door and Josh walked in, pistol drawn.
"Oh. You're awake. Motion sensors were tripped, and I thought something might have gotten through, as improbable as that is. How are you feeling?"
"Ano… Good. How's-"
"The idiot is fine. Stabilized and Sedated with my special blend. He should snap out of it in a few more days."
"How long-"
"Three days. What you did was beyond reckless. Entering an already unstable mental field without any training. You're lucky your brain didn't fry from the shock. As it was, the energy was enough to burn your palms."
"Are you-"
"Oh, what?" Josh seemed distracted. "Oh, I'm fine. Since I cast the technique, it only drained my energy, Nothing a good cow, some beer, and a good night's rest couldn't fix. But-"
BOOM!
Josh sighed and cocked his pistol. "Wait here. I have to take care of some unwanted guests."
Instead of walking through the door, he simply popped the window open and hopped out, firing at some unseen target around the side of Naruto's house, shouting all the while. "GODDAMNIT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I JUST WORK HERE!"
With the background of shouting, gunfire, and sounds of random violence, Hinata pulled her bandaged hands from under the blanket and examined them.
"Byakugan." She murmured, examining the damage done to her digits. Most of the skin had been burned off but was healing rapidly thanks to a device placed on the end of the bandages providing a constant influx of energy.
"Back. Damn, those Hyuga are annoying and persistent. Do all of them act like they have a telephone pole shoved up their asses?"
"… That they do."
"Uzu! Ah! There you are. How's lunch coming along?"
"… I hate cooking."
"And I'm not a medic. Yet I healed up your boss and Hinata here. Sometimes, you just have to bare your teeth and go with it."
"… I believe the term is 'Grit your teeth'."
"Whatever. Do you have food?"
Uzu cocked an eyebrow and gestured at the door. At once, two Kage Bunshin made their way inside, pushing a heavily-laden breakfast cart, one already sealing for a small Katon jutsu.
"Ah. Excellent. Uzu. Check the defenses, and after that's done, go take a nap. You look like you're going to fall over any minute."
The Bunshin chuckled. "He always looks like that…"
Josh snickered as well. "That he does. Now, don't worry about fire. I've got something for that. Well, dig in, Hinata."
"All of this… for me?"
"Well, if you want the truth. No." Josh laughed, downing a dozen fried eggs. "Being a Guardian comes with a couple of major drawbacks and annoyances. One of which is a ridiculously insane metabolic rate. An average Guardian of my power class can eat sixty pounds of food in one day, triple that after a battle or strenuous training."
"… That you can. Between you and the boss, we've gone through more food then I care to count."
Josh didn't respond, instead hurling a butter knife at Uzu, which he caught an inch from his heart. "… and this is the thanks I get."
"For your snarky mouth? Yeah."
"… I'll be waiting outside."
"Good idea." Josh chuckled as Uzu eased the door closed. "That Uzu… lazy as a dead pig, yet reliable for grunt labor and combat, in a pinch. The few times we put him up for frontline combat, he limped back with no arms and one leg."
"He's-"
"He's fine." The swordsman replied, waving her off. "Just eat. I don't know about you, but an IV drip just doesn't fill me up."
Hinata nodded and picked up a tray of cinnamon rolls, selecting one and taking a cautious bite. The taste spread throughout her mouth, which in turn awakened her ravenous hunger, and before long, the tray of buns was no more and she was sated, but Josh was still steadily munching his way though stacks of toast, bacon, sausages, and eggs.
Finally, after another twenty minutes, the guardian finally sighed and shook his head at the last English Muffin. "Man, that was good. Uzu may be a lazy motherfucker, but he sure can cook if you force him to."
"… Did someone say my name?"
Josh replied by throwing a grenade.
"All right, sit-rep. How's the idiot doing?"
Uzu sighed and pulled up a couple of charts on the computer that Josh had seen fit to lend him. "Still in stable condition. You'll have to make a return trip to the mindscape to make sure that everything is healing up properly."
"I'd rather not… could you-"
"…No." Uzu said flatly.
"Fucksticks. Right, I'll do that later. And the village is…"
The clone sighed. "… You've seen the Hyuga in an uproar. Grandma is buried under paperwork, we've got Root agents trying and failing to tunnel in, and fangirls are still holding their nightly candlelight vigil. It's quite a mess right now."
Josh disassembled and polished his sidearm carefully, thinking all the while. "Can you go check on the idiot? Just to make sure he's not stopped breathing again?" With a quick glance at Hinata's horrified face, added, "And take Ms. Double-SSS with you. Grab a spare futon and leave it there. I have a feeling that she might want to stay there, and sleeping on that floor may not be the best for her back. Hop to it."
As the two left, Josh sighed and unslung his rifle, unscrewing the barrel and screwing on the sniper variant. He then wrote a quick message on a scrap of paper, loaded it into a hollow shell, chambered the round, located Tsunade's temporary headquarters, set up after his jet demolished her offices, and let loose the round.
Leaning back, he snatched a nearby bottle of Sake, took a deep draught, spit it everywhere, threw the said bottle out the window, and then popped a bottle of beer. "Ah… Well, just waiting for the shitstorm now…"
As the said shitstorm outside rapidly brewed and stormed, the shitstorm inside Naruto's mindscape was coming to a rather pathetic end. Despite the fact that Hinata had resealed it, the inside of his mind was still ravaged and under recovery. Try as he might, Kyuubi just couldn't handle reconstruction from inside his cage, no matter how much he swished his nine tails.
"Get your asses in gear! I want this place up and ready for business in two days! Chop Chop!"
"Kyuubi, in case you're paying attention, you'll know that nobody is paying any attention to you."
The fox growled, putrid breath spraying everywhere.
The Naruto smirked and thumbed his nose at the demon. "All right, you definitely need some Tic-tacs or something, cuz yo breath STINKS!"
"Oh, ha ha. Laugh at the caged animal, will you, Ki? Don't even have the decency to bring me a toothbrush or even mouthwash."
"Well, considering your diet, which is mostly ramen, I should probably bring you some antacid instead."
Ignoring the roars of indignation and anger, Ki went over and picked up what remained of a toaster, prying it apart to reveal a dislodged cage bar, which he picked up and examined briefly before crushing it and moving on, this time to a cake mold.
"Well, the lying cake finally got what it deserved. HEY! FOUND IT!"
Every single one of the Narutos looked over at their waving counterpart before phasing over and examining what he found.
"Good, Ki. You found it."
They all turned around to find another Naruto, this one injured and bandaged around the head stumping toward them. Whatever it was, he snatched it up and stowed it away in an inside pocket, putting a light seal on the pouch so that it wouldn't fall out.
"Right. Everyone, back to work. Kyuubi, get a mint."
"And where would your holiness be heading off to?" Ki asked, snide as usual.
Naruto ignored his counterpart, instead, slipping on a set of gloves and heading toward the ladder that would let him out of his mind.
"Don't forget to write!"
"Fuck you, Ki." He muttered under his breath as he began the arduous climb back to consciousness.
Uzu, after making sure the room was clear, gently pushed open the door and relaxed somewhat, through the last couple of days had seriously taken their toll on his body. He was now turning translucent in some places, breaths coming in ever shallower gasps.
"Ano…"
Uzu waved her off. "… Boss'll fix me up as soon as he wakes up. Don't bother trying. Josh already tried, and it nearly blew his arm off."
"Actually," Josh's voice came from behind them. "It did. Just that the armor kept it in place. Right. Message to Tsunade is already off, now to see the idiot…"
"… Message?"
The swordsman shrugged, rolled his shoulders, and closed one eye. "Well… more of an ultimatum, really."
"… And that would be…"
"Either to get the ANBU to run crowd control; or I will."
"…"
"A wise response. Now, let's see here…"
Just as he unscrewed his gauntlet and touched Naruto's third eyepoint, the blond's hand twitched and grabbed his wrist. "Now, you wouldn't be trying to go into my mind again, would you?"
"Naruto-kun!"
"… Nice to see you're back, boss."
Josh chuckled and withdrew his hand, resealing it inside his gauntlet. "Welcome back to the land of the living. Did you find what you were looking for?"
Naruto nodded. "Ki found it. And from his actions, he may be joining us soon. It's getting too crowded in there and I can't keep him in there much longer."
"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it. As for now-"
He didn't get to finish, as Hinata finally lost her restraints and enveloped him in a bonecrushing hug. "Hinata! I… can't… breathe… AIR…"
Josh smiled and gestured for Uzu to follow him out of the room to give the two a little privacy. When he indicated that he was comfortable exactly where he was right now, the swordsman dragged him out by both ears, easing the door shut behind them.
Hinata, finally feeling the rasping of Naruto's lungs, loosened her grip slightly but didn't let go.
"Uh, Hinata-chan? This feels great and all, but could I ask you to let go? I've, ah, kinda got some urgent business to get to…"
Looking like the rising sun, Hinata let go of Naruto, who slowly felt his ribs to make sure that they were still intact, swung his legs out of bed, got up, and promptly fell back over. "Ahh… Fuck." He said as he put his head back down on the pillow. "Uh, Hinata-chan? Any chance of another hug?"
Hinata promptly passed out.
"You need to get these people out of here. The nonstop flickering of candles at night is driving me crazy, along with all of the chanting."
"I can't! Hiashi owns that half of the street, and he's given them permission to be there! If I were to send ANBU to remove them, Hiashi is within his rights to send out Hyuga to counter them!"
"Well, it appears we are at an impasse. Looks like I'll have to take care of this myself."
"Excuse me?"
Josh shifted from his spot on the wall. "You heard me, Tsunade. I'm taking this into my own hands. Naruto, and by extension of logic, Uzu, are bound by the laws and regulations of Konoha. I, being an Uncontracted Guardian, am bound by no such laws. Which means-" He pulled out his rifle, loaded the gun, and primed the grenade launcher, "I can remove any annoyances I deem to be harmful to my person. So, unless you remove these people for me, I'll be removing them personally, only with deadly force."
"You wouldn't!" Tsunade gasped, horrified.
"… Grandma, trust me. He would. While he has no problems with Fangirls attacking the boss, when they disturb his sleep, that's when it crosses the line."
"So." Josh said as he clicked off the safety and aimed it loosely in the direction of the campers. "What's it going to be? Either get them to move, or you'll be moving corpses. I'd rather not kill a bunch of unarmed people, but I'll do it if I have to."
The Hokage was still hesitant. The Hyuga Clan Leader had made VERY clear that if the gatherers were moved, she would lose his support, and there would be hell to pay. But, on the other hand, if she did nothing, the general public would be screaming for her blood. "Hiashi was insistent-"
"I'll take care of the old windbag. Don't worry about that. Now, are you going to it, or am I going to have to?"
"Fine." She snapped and raised one hand. Instantly, six ANBU shunshined to her side, swords drawn.
"Yes, Hokage-sama?"
"Remove the crowd in front of the Hyuga Estate."
"Hai!"
As the ANBU approached the fangirls, they turned as one, and using abilities that would have made Iruka proud, snarled at the incoming shinobi, causing them to break formation and run.
"Ah…"
"… The Devoted Fangirl. A species so strange and frightening, that even the boss is scared of them. The only thing that can defeat it is its close cousin, the Rabid Fangirl."
"Yes, yes. Thank you for telling us the obvious, Uzu." Josh said distractedly. "Looks like bullets aren't going to do much to those guys. Better step it up to the next level."
With that, he slung his rifle, and in the same smooth motion, he drew his sword and combat knife, holding them ready to charge. "Looks like I'm going to have to get down and dirty. Uzu!"
"… You're not my boss. I don't have to listen to you."
"No." The familiar voice came from behind them. "But I am."
They all turned around to see Naruto, limping with a crutch under one armpit, smiling feebly. "Well? Go help him!"
"… All right, All right. What do you need?"
Josh's smile was too scary to put down on paper, but sufficient to say, it was enough to make Uzu sweatdrop. "I need some live bait."
"… Oh… shit."
"… Just for the record... I think this is a bad idea."
"Oh, shut up. Nobody cares what the bait thinks. Remember, to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. Or in this case, to get rid of a bunch of fangirls, you send out a decoy to run around first."
"… How does that not make a bad idea?"
"It doesn't. It just exposes the flaws in your argument."
"… I hate you."
"The feeling's mutual. Now, down you go!"
And with that, Josh started unwinding the fishing pole with Uzu tied on the end toward the waiting fangirls.
"Hey, Josh. If you don't mind me asking, what are you going to do with Uzu as bait?"
"Well," The swordsman replied as he dangled the now-praying Uzu over the squealing fangirls, pulling up slightly to make him bounce: a tantalizing prize for them.
"… You know, using me as live bait is bad enough. But using me to tease them is just mean."
"Shut up. Bait doesn't talk. Right, Naruto? Can you take the pole? I'm going in hot."
Naruto nodded, took the pole with his clone on the end, then, still weakened, promptly dropped it.
Needless to say, Uzu fell like a pile of bricks into the horde of fangirls, who squealed and started groping every inch of him. To the lazy clone's credit, he didn't scream or wave about, only going into a fetal position and whimpering slightly.
"Ah, Naruto? The plan is only going to work if the bait is live. Fangirls don't go after dead bait."
When Naruto just stared blankly back at him, Josh sighed, drew a few figures on the ground, then straightened up. "All right! Let's do this! LEEEROOOY JEENNNKEENNNS!"
With that, he hopped over the fence, shouting and waving his blades about, with little success. When he slashed at them, they simply countered with their fangirls squeals, which repelled his attacks. Finally, he sheathed his knife and traced two fingers down the length of his blade.
"I had meant to keep this under wraps, but guess this is a good a time as any. Naruto, TWKI. Remember what that means?"
The blond's eyes widened and he slid right next to the wall, flattening his figure to the brickwork. He tried to form a shield to block himself, but channeling even a slight amount of energy caused his entire body to burn, so he gave it up.
That is, until the front door opened and Hinata stepped out…
"Dark Guardian Art: Twilight Killer!"
"SHIT!"
Naruto jumped out in front of Hinata, formed several rapid seals, balled his fists, and smashed them together laterally. "Initial Guardian Art: Guardian Shield!" He bawled, ignoring the pain searing through his chest.
From the leading edge of Josh's sword, a wave of blackish tar spewed out, overwhelming the fangirls and washing them down the path the Jonin of Konoha had taken not too long ago. Of course, the main point of this technique was the ability to penetrate any seal, as to get to the fangirls better. This means that the protection afforded by the blood seals on the border walls were negated. The technique itself was nothing to sneeze at.
Josh had first developed it some Two Thousand Years previously, according to central time, to counter Rabid Fangirls they had located en route to killing some Vampires and Werewolves that were causing trouble. Needless to say, the fangirls weren't moving, and Josh, being Josh, invented this technique on the spot and washed the lot of them away. The sludge was harmless to anything with a Y chromosome in it, but was a potent poison for anything without. The antidote was easily accessible to guardians, but nearly impossible for anyone else.
It was among the most potent of Josh's handful of Anti-Fangirl techniques, and one of the only ones useful for a crowd. That was nothing compared to Naruto, whose arsenal was roughly sixty percent Anti-Fangirl techniques. The technique was also unique due to the fact that it worked on all fangirls. All of Naruto's Anti-fangirl techniques only worked on ones bent on chasing him.
But, in his weakened state, casting a shield was the last thing that Naruto could have afforded. The thing is, he didn't have much of a choice. Josh had done a double swipe, which meant two pulses, designed to poison and wash them away. Getting hit by that, even for a guy, was nasty.
"Fuck… This… Just… Isn't… My… Day…" Naruto gasped, the shield faded, and he pitched forward onto the pavement, doing a faceplant onto the hard stone.
Author's Note:
Yo! What up?
Yeah, so... due to popular demand, i have brought back the staff meetings. Kinda rusty on them, but if you review, i promise i'll make them better!
Ehem. Due to the fact that there is a staff meeting, i will NOT be giving the announcer spheal this time.
But remember, please review? PLEASE!
I've got 40000 hits, and just over a hundred reviews! If you're reading this, please review! Pleasssse!
Oh, and on a side note, go check out my profile. I've got two new stories up for viewing. Hopefully, this should spread my writer's block thin enough for me to really start writing again.
Well, that's all. Tell me in a REVIEW what you think of the section.
Until next time,
Xingster
P.S. Enjoy the Omake.
P.P.S. Today's my birthday... could i have a present of a REVIEW! THANKS!
P.P.P.S. Did you enjoy the little fluff i put in there? FORESHADOWING! WHAHAHAHAHA! Not that great at fluff, but i gave it a shot. There's a upcoming Naruhina arc... just bare with me, will ya? REVIEW!
Staff Meeting
Xingster: Well, after the Fiasco of the last couple of meetings, I called an end to these damn things. Costing me a fortune in beer and ramen. But it looks as though we're good for business once again. So… Before we get started, I'd like to introduce some people…
Master Chief: LOLOLOLOLOL1 PW3NG3 TIM3!
Arbiter: Do you really have to do that? I thought you were restricted to PSAs.
MC: Nobodies kan stopz meh! Beer!
Arbiter: Sorry. *Sighs* I'll take care of him.
Xingster: Please do. Now, as I was saying, I'd like to introduce a few more cast members to our otherworldly crew. Making the jump this time, I would like to introduce Mr. Harry Potter, Mr. Ronald Weasley, and Ms. Hermione Granger. They'll be joining the Fanon Corps, since the PSA and AMV corps would get their asses sued to Jupiter…
Naruto: What? You can't be serious? I'm working with these amateurs?
Xingster: Naruto. *Sighs* You had no idea how much trouble I had pulling them in. Their contract is easily worth ten times yours. Just hang with me, k?
Naruto: *Nods* Fine, but I'm not picking up after you three.
Xingster: You won't have to. They'll be pulling your sorry ass around in a little bit. Anyway, I've got a couple more people to introduce to the Fanon Corps… We have Urd, Belldandy, Skuld, and Kenichi here. They'll be working with you as well, Naruto.
Naruto: WHAT! FANGIRLS! RUN AWAY! *Takes off, breaks door, trailing behind half of the vegetable garden*
Xingster: *Sighs* And there he goes again. Destroys half the garden too…"
Josh: Want me to get him?
Xingster: Please. HEY, CHIEF! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! I GOT YOU A DRINKING BUDDY!
Urd: Excuse me?
Xingster: *Shrugs* Hey, its free booze. I wouldn't turn it down.
Arbiter: No, chief. That's not a toy!
MC: ROFL! I CAN HAZ ROFLCOPTER OF DEATH!
Xingster: *Facepalms* Goddamnit, Chief. That's for a rainy day. PUT IT DOWN AND GO GET A BEER!
MC: LOLMISSILES AWAY!
Xingster: Go, 1337COUNTER!
The Blinding flash of light destroys the Gamecube stashed away, Chief is down for the count.
Xingster: Urd, take this idiot and go get a beer. I'll have Sake in by the tenth. Jiriaya, Grandma, go with them. I can't take this many people in one room. Belldandy, if you don't mind, go help out Hinata, Ishida, Hayate, and Akito in the kitchen. God knows they're overworked enough. Skuld, you'll find Jabba under the staircase. He'll need an assistant.
They all nod and walk off.
Negi: Trouble, Xingster-san?
Xingster: Yeah… All the projects are stalled. At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna have to start cutting contracts. First to go will be Chief's. I swear that idiot drinks his weight in beer every week.
Kenichi: Urd's worse. She drinks to recharge her powers.
Xingster: *Waves him off* Not anymore. I've got a power barrier set up. Use power to your heart's content, oh, and you can use my old computer. No internet, but the UPS should stop any power outages. You'll find everything you need, but whatever you do, don't touch the emergency transceiver. Naruto and Hinata learned that the hard way.
Ichigo: Yo.
Xingster: Hey, strawberry! Glad to see you could make it. I'd like to introduce my main crew. This is Negi, and he's been working on Fanon and AMVs. Naruto's been working everywhere, Chief's nailing down the PSAs, and Josh is my second-in-command, out trying to retrieve Naruto right now. I trust you've read your contract?
Ichigo: Yeah. The Anime's kinda lagging right now, and I need some extra cash.
Negi: I know what you mean, Ichigo-san.
Xingster: You do know that you won't make this production cycle, right?
Ed: Hey, what about me?
Xingster: No, you won't make this cycle either. I'm still having trouble establishing a drop point, shorty.
Ed: Don't call me short! I'll-
Xingster: Rip my legs off and stick them on my head? Good luck with that.
Josh: Caught him. Almost ran into that huge sled dog, though.
Xingster: The Husky? He's harmless. Just make sure not to get in his way when he's running around. Damn near dragged a SUV down the road… Anyway, Naruto, I'd like you to meet-
?: Nar-Nar!
Naruto: FUCK! RUN! *Takes off, destroys the rest of the vegetable garden*
Xingster: *Facepalms* Who the fuck told you that you could come in here? Cuz it sure as hell wasn't me.
MC: LOL!
Xingster: CHIEF!
And hence the reason I don't hold these things that often. Massive property damage is not something I relish repairing.
Please review!