Chapter XXVI: Some Revelations, Some Pork, Some Booze.

"And that should do it."

What was left of the chunin stadium was a pile of rubble that was being rebuilt by an army of kage bunshin. What was left of Naruto was in a smoking crater smack-dab in the middle.

"Is it over yet…?"

"Yep. Pick your ass up out of the hole. You gotta feed me again."

"Fuck… you…"

Josh sighed and picked Naruto up, slinging him unceremoniously over one shoulder. "That's the show. Double-SSS, you're with me. Come on, shoo. The kage bunshin'll fix this. Come on, SHOO!"

The swordsman sighed and leapt into the sky, coming down twice more before landing at Naruto's front gates. "Right. Naruto. Start eating. I have a feeling-"

"Hello, Josh."

The said guardian sighed and turned around. "Hinata. Or should I say, V-"

'Hinata' attempted to Jyuken the swordsman, but Josh, being considerably faster than Naruto, caught it between two fingers without much trouble.

"That won't work on me. Now, why don't you put Double-SSS back on?"

She looked like she was about to refuse until she saw Josh going for his combat knife. "Fine." She pouted, focused, and dropped to the ground.

Josh eased his knife back into place and snapped a couple of smelling salts under the girl's nose. "Come on, Naruto's in no shape to give us any blood. Someone's gotta let us in."

Inside Hinata's mindscape, things were still a flurry of action as memories, actions, dreams, wishes, and thoughts sorted themselves out. It was all the poor girl could do so as to not be flattened by them.

You're up.

Excuse me?

Hinata turned around to see her provocatively dressed self staring her dead in the eye. You heard me. Josh wanted to talk to you, not me, so I guess you're going back up. We're no match for him at the moment, so I thought it would be wise to listen to him.

Ano…

Her inner self slapped the back of her head. Get out there and do me proud!

Hinata didn't have any further time for argument as she was thrust upward back to consciousness by the physical effects of the smelling salts.

"Ano…" Hinata stirred weakly.

"'Bout time you got back. I swear, Uzu's faster than you."

"Nobody's as slow as Uzu…"

"Shut up and bleed, Naruto. Speaking of blood, why didn't I just use that?"

Josh stood up, wiped his finger on the blond's shredded jacket, and moved the crimson fluid to the gates, which popped open. "Ah… gotta love frequency emulators. Right. Comon, gotta get you two inside to the stasis field before you die."

After a quick visit to the said stasis field, during which time he snapped blackmail photo after blackmail photo, they were all sitting down in Naruto's living room, enjoying a nice drink. By a nice drink, Naruto was drinking barrels of sake, Josh his beer, and Hinata a nice strawberry milkshake. Where that had come from, she had no idea, but it was still delicious.

"Finally got those skinflints off my back… Jesus, you would think that for feeding me, they wouldn't work me so hard." He had just taken another gulp of alcohol when the doorbell rang. "When did you install a doorbell?"

Naruto, still grumbling, stood up. "When I got sick of people throwing high explosives at my house to get my attention. I got it. Sit back down before you decapitate someone with that oversized baseball bat of yours."

"I didn't know you knew what decapitate meant!" Josh yelled after Naruto as he stalked to the door.

Naruto responded by flipping him off.

They heard the front gate creak open and Naruto's voice drifted inside. "Oh. It's just you, Shika. Come on in. Uhh, why did you bring half of Konoha?"

Shikamaru sighed as he cracked open the door, peering inside, and seeing Hinata and Josh sprawled out on the couch, pushed the door fully open and strode in, along with the rest of the Konoha Eleven, their surviving teachers, as well as Tsunade.

"Well, quite the crowd, Naruto. Should I bust out the club music? We've got plenty of booze already."

"YOSH! OUR FLAMES OF YOUTH-"

"Shall not be allowed here." Naruto interrupted, making a couple of kage bunshin, which ran upstairs. "No offense, but I like my house intact. Josh already put a hole in my kitchen, not to mention leveling most of the goddamned place."

"Hey!" said swordsman interjected. "That was your fault. If you hadn't locked me out, I wouldn't have needed to bombard you. Oh, and before anyone says anything." He patted the couch. "I got dibs on this. Nobody else sit here unless you wanna lose your ass."

Naruto shrugged and headed over to the bar to fix himself another drink, which was downed in a single gulp. "Don't worry. The kage bunshin are bringing down shit from the attic."

After beating back Lee with a set of old brooms from the bar, narrowly avoiding a heavily inebriated Tsunade, and two sets of firecrackers from Josh, everyone was seated.

"So… I'm taking this isn't a social visit?"

Naruto smacked Josh in the back of the head, only to get a scorched palm for his trouble. "What do you think?"

Josh shook off his helmet, taking another swig of beer, frowning, and then pulling out his hip flask. "Time for something stronger, I think. Beer's getting old." Taking a deep draught, he belched before settling into a more comfortable position, taking them all in with his brown eyes. "Since the idiot here trusts you more then the average joe, I'll take a gamble with you all. Fire away. Anything not too personal or classified, you're welcome to ask. Naruto, ya got a decanter?"

Naruto made yet another kage bunshin, which threw him a large glass container, upon which Josh pulled out a bottle of something with strange writing on it, popping the cork, and emptying the entire bottle into the decanter. "Ah… might as well be comfortable. Not as good as Micha's finest, but a nice bottle of Bordeaux should keep me going. Now, first question."

Shikamaru, who had declined sake but had pulled out a cigarette and lit it, spoke up first. "You really know Kami-sama?"

Josh, not expecting the question, laughed and took a swig. "Sure. Among a host of deities. The idiot over there really knows her best though. The gods are really all interrelated, so I run into them a lot when I'm running my uncle something up there. Have to admit, I did not expect gods to be what they were at first. I mean," he took a bite out of a cracker that he had pulled from a tray that a kage bunshin had sat down on the coffee table, "On my first trip up there, I swore I took a wrong turn. It's actually quite relaxed up there, so long as you're on a visitor's pass and follow the rules. So yeah, as a Guardian, I know Kami, as well as some other gods."

As Josh finished, several other hands rose. One of which was Neji. "If that's the case, can you bring someone back to life?" Tenten, Lee, Hinata, and Gai all softened at this. They all knew that he longed to see his father again. He would put almost anything on the line for that chance.

Josh snorted. "You're talking to the wrong class of being. No offense man, and don't get me wrong, I am powerful. Hell, the idiot over there was drinking buddies with the physical embodiment of death every time we saw him. But no, that's one of many powers that are denied to us. I can talk to the dead, and even use science to bring them back if they've only been dead for a few minutes, but for the long dead, no dice. If you become a guardian, you might be granted passage to talk to them for a few minutes, but that's about the extent of it."

Tsunade, who had drunk a considerable amount of sake already, hiccupped before asking, "What you showed up earlier, that's not your entire arsenal, was it?"

The swordsman laughed and refilled his glass before answering. "Hell no! As a matter of fact, that's not even a tenth of my abilities. If you're talking numbers, I know more seal formations then that little teaser I showed. Most of them I won't use again, since I have something better, but they're good teaching tools. Gotta love subliminal learning. Next?"

Lee shot his hand up, nearly decapitating a kage bunshin in the process. "Yosh! Who is stronger, you or Naruto-kun?"

Naruto, having sat back and enjoying a nice bowl of ramen, nearly spilled it at this question.

Josh chuckled before replying. "Well, are you talking about now? At our peaks? Going all-out? Using all of our tricks?"

The taijutsu master took a few seconds before replying. "All of the above."

"Well, right now, there's no competition. I'm more than a two hundred times more powerful than Naruto right now. However…" he took another swig of wine, and refilled it from the decanter. "At our peaks, the idiot was technically stronger than me. Going all out… well, if you count using our own alternate personalities, I would have a slight edge. But using all our tricks, Naruto was more powerful. Hands down. You've seen the memory. But still…" He shrugged and took another swig of wine. "If we could remove the Seal of Unholy Draining, his power levels would skyrocket. I would say, even in his severely weakened state, if that seal was gone, I would be down to about forty times stronger then him. Considerably less, but still. Enough to overpower him like a drowning kitty. Next."

Shikamaru shot in before anyone else could respond. "If you're so powerful, then why are the Akatsuki posing so much trouble for you?"

"A fair question." He said. "All right, let me give it to you straight. So far in our battles, I've only gone as far as Dark Guardian. That's the second official tier, with no mind modifications. In that state, I'm ten times stronger than I was in my Initial Guardian form, and forty-five times stronger then in my base form, which I'm in right now. If I decided to power up one more level, to Sacred Guardian, the third tier, I would be twenty-five times more powerful then I was in my Dark Guardian form. But while I could do that, sustaining it is a complete bitch. It also takes all the fun out of life. An elf I once met said it best. 'When you can have anything you want by uttering a few words, the goal matters not, only the journey'. I'm bored enough as is, and despite my chronic laziness, I have to do something to keep from going insane. Yes, I could probably hunt down and kill all of the Akatsuki myself if I really wanted to. I am I going to? Probably not. Do I want to? Fuck no. Am I going to do it if I need to? Yeah. But not before. I'm pretty good at judging the situation."

To everyone's surprise, Shino's hand shot up before anyone else could get theirs up. "Are you immortal?"

Josh sighed, poured the last of the wine into his glass, and swirled it before downing it in a single gulp. "Immortal? Yes. Invincible? Not even close. NEVER confuse the two. Invincible means that you can't be killed via violent means or any sort of thing like that. However, you will die of old age or of starvation. For those, we usually just seal them away. Fifty years in an isolated chamber usually reduces them to dust. You see… the bond we Guardians have with the gods is rather unique." He refilled the decanter and his glass before continuing. "Well, seeing as it was forged in a time of extreme crisis, they were forced to give up more concessions then they would have liked. One of those was immortality. We're immune to old age and the passage of time. As a matter of fact, we're the closest to gods you'll find on this plain of existence. However…" he muttered, drinking some more of the wine before setting it down and interlacing his fingers. "We can be killed. I'm not telling you how. Don't even bother asking. That's a classified secret. However, a local has never overpowered a True Guardian one-on-one. The idiot over there doesn't count, since he's got the seal on him. But still, immortality is a mixed bag. There are some days I wish I could just get away from it all for good… but still. If I died, my family would never let me hear the end of it. Especially my cousin, who went the way of my dad."

"Dead?"

Josh grinned evilly as he turned to look at Naruto. "Nope. As far as we can tell, she's MIA. Couldn't find her in either heaven or hell, so we're going to have to assume that."

"Well, fuck my life."

The swordsman turned back to look at the rest of the befuddled crowd. "Long story. Anyway, where was I… Ah, yes. Never confuse immortality with invincibility. Many people have died that way. Anyway, if you're immortal, you gain a degree of invincibility and vice versa. For instance, we do can rapid regeneration of our limbs and some major organs without much help. With a stasis field, we can regenerate everything except our brain. With a skilled doctor, we can regenerate from pretty much nothing, but man, they charge a arm and a leg, if you'll pardon the pun. Still, regrowing limbs is no fun. Itches like a bitch and then pins and needles for a couple of hours.

"Care to demonstrate?"

"You feel like ripping one of your arms off?" Josh took another swig. "No thanks. Like I said, it's not a pleasant thing to do. Remember, you have to rip the limb off first. That still hurts like a bitch. Just because we cant doesn't mean we want to. Remember that."

Kiba, who was scratching Akamaru behind the ears, spoke up next. "This sounds kinda interesting! Can we become guardians?"

Josh took even longer to answer this question than the last. "Maybe. In truth, it's not my call. It's all up to you guys. I can't scan you all to see if you have the potential or not. If you have the potential and are willing to take the risk of initiation, then yeah. You can become guardians. If not, or if you're not willing to take the risk, then no. I've passed my initiation, as well as my training. I can show you the door. You have to open it and walk though yourself. As much as I would love to shove your face into it, I can't." He took another gulp, frowned, and chucked the rest of it before grabbing another beer. "As for you all, maybe. You're all a bit old, but still within reason. Your friend there, however… can't."

"And why not?" Kiba said hotly, "He's as good as-"

"As good as isn't good enough." Josh interrupted, taking another gulp. Strangely, despite the fact that he had downed enough alcohol to floor the average elephant, his face wasn't even red. "We can compensate for many things, but we've never managed to turn a non-humanoid into a guardian. We've come close, but no cigar."

"-Potato."

"Shut up, idiot. It's cigar. Anyway, there's something about animal souls that makes them incompatible with guardian energy. They can channel it if given by someone else, but they can't stream it. We've managed to sorta isolate the problem, but our best researchers are stumped on how to make it compatible. Unless you want to give up a chunk of your soul and implant it in him, which probably won't even take, Mr. Overgrown Mutt here won't stand the test of time."

Kiba looked as though he was about to punch the guardian when two kage bunshin took the initiative and knocked him out instead. "Phew. Can't have dogbreath wrecking my house. No offense, Akamaru."

Josh chuckled as Akamaru whined. "Yep. That's one of the harsh realities of becoming a guardian. If you succeed, time won't affect you, but that's not to say that the people that you work with are going to be. Far from it." He shrugged, taking a swig of his hip flask. "Immortality's a mixed bag. You're both blessed and cursed at the same time. Just gotta see how you take things. Some guardians can't take it and retire, which strips them of most of their abilities. We all retire eventually. There's only so many times you can take a sword through the crotch before you decide to call it quits."

All of the guys present immediately cupped their family jewels defensively, wincing at the prospect. Josh noticed this and snorted, taking another shot of whatever was in his flask. "Don't bother. If you become a guardian, it's bound to happen to you sooner or later. I'm lucky enough to have avoided it so far, but one of these days I'm gonna slip and feel something slip in-"

"I stabbed you, remember?"

"No… that was a rusty kunai that you shoved up my ass twice before I got my armor. That's rear penetration. I was talking about the front… No homo."

Kakashi, who had taken a large gulp of sake, sprayed it everywhere. Again, no homo.

"Still, I got your-"

"Nope. Still… you did manage to mutilate my prostate and colon pretty thoroughly. Had bloody shit for a week after that."

He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. "But enough about my bowel problems. Anyone else have a question? I'm running outta drinks, and I refuse to drink Naruto's shitty sake, pardon the pun."

"You said that the guardians were formed in a time of extreme crisis. Care to elaborate?"

Josh smirked. "Sorry, deer-man. I'll have to keep my mouth shut on that one. That's Guardian History, a bit of information that you'll have to learn if you want to become one of us… if you survive the initiation, of course."

At that, yet another explosion rang out outside the house. Before anyone could do anything more than flinch, six kage bunshin had already phased through the door. "Problem?"

"Yeah… that's an entry blast button. Someone's trying to get through the wall. Might as well check it out. I swear, if I find one more ANBU in Hiashi's koi pond, I'm gonna be a little pissed."

"Wait. You've been aiming them at the koi pond?"

"Yeah? So?"

"That's where I've been throwing my old cow bones. I don't think there's any room left for the koi. Or water, for that matter. Which means…"

Naruto facepalmed. "Soft landing my ass."

"Glad to see you've grown a bit of a brain since we last met. Maybe your IQ'll go up a bit?"

"Shut up and let's move."

"GODDAMNIT NARUTO QUIT STEALING MY LINES!"

After double and triple-checking for a fangirl horde, Naruto and his kage bunshin tiptoed over to the Hyuga Estate and poked their heads over the top. What they saw made them sweatdrop, and when Josh popped on his X-ray filter, not lowering himself to peer over a wall, crack up as well.

Hiashi, despite all the warnings that Naruto had given, as well as posted on the walls about trying to enter, had attempted to blast his way though the walls with a wad of explosive tags. The wall, being smarter than that, detonated a blast button and sent the leader flying, landing head-first on a cow skull and was now wearing it like a helmet, albeit one that was stuck on his head.

"Well, guess those blast buttons were good for something after all. Next time, remind me to put a bunch of straw in that pond."

"What for?"

"Scarecrow."

"Yes?" Kakashi intoned, poking his head over the wall.

"Not talking about you."

"Ah…" he said, dropping back below the wall.

"Well," Josh sighed, still smiling, "Might as well get that skullcap off his head. Though he's so hard-headed, I doubt it would make much of a difference."

Faster then most could see, he flashed down there, made a cutting motion with his hand, and withdrew as the skull neatly split down the middle. "Gotta love the shield. Why were you trying to get into the idiot's house? You know even I had trouble without leveling the county."

"I-" he spat out a small fish.

"Huh… guess there were some koi left."

"Silence! Before I was so rudely ejected from the field, I was trying to deliver this." He handed Josh a small document, which he tapped with one finger, slipping on his eyepiece to do the rest.

"Hmm… says here you're breaking off the marriage agreement between the idiot and Double-SSS. You're also… This is something that's a little bigger than sneaking it inside and shoving it in someone's face. As a matter of fact," he grumbled, folding up the note and sticking it in a pouch, "as much as I hate to, we're going to need to call a meeting. Naruto, bring along the stress relief. I have a feeling that I'm gonna need it soon."

"Why were we called here? Have you no sense of-"

"Well, had I waited until morning, you might have had no clocks left in this village to tell time."

"What, pray tell, is so important?" Koharu growled.

Josh snapped his right hand and gestured with his left, allowing for his helmet, which had been left in an empty chair, to hover and project into midair. "This was handed to me. As you can see, Naruto is not here at the moment."

"So?" Homura yawned. "It's just a cancellation of a marriage contact. We get them all the time. We would have cancelled-"

"Nah. You couldn't have. I've taken a look at this document, and since it's a sealed by the authority of a kage, you can't do jack shit."

"And how do you know our laws?" Koharu asked suspiciously.

Josh grinned. "You would be surprised what you learn when you can read anything with a tap of the finger. Anyway, since this is a contract generated by a kage and does not involve the general village, you wouldn't be able to overrule it. Bonnie, let's hear the text. Some people may still be asleep. Use the known voice generator database."

I, Minato Namikaze, the Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure, by the authority vested in me as the father of Naruto Namikaze-

"HA! I told you! His name-"

"Was changed after this was written." Josh said flatly. "His birth name is Naruto Uzumaki. Continue, Bonnie."

Hereby, along with my wife, Kushina Uzumaki, do hereby agree to the marriage of my son to the first daughter of Hiashi Hyuga and Harumi Hyuga, who as of yet unnamed at this point. Wait! Quit… that's my brush!

After some nondescript scribbles, the voice changed to that of Hiashi's. Her name shall be Hinata, Yondaime. Have we not told you that already?

The voice changed back, this time with a bit of bite to it. It seems to have slipped my mind, Hiashi. Anyway, why did you write that down? It's just gonna look like a mess. Might as well start over-

There was some more scratching, after which Kushina's voice came on. Like hell! We've gotten far enough, Naruto-kun's using my bladder as a trampoline, and we've still got to seal this contract!

By this time, everyone in the room was sweatdropping, except for Hiashi, who was red as a beet as he recalled this memory.

Right… right… where was I..? Ah! Right. Between Naruto Namikaze and Hinata Hyuga. This contract can only be revoked by the authority of a majority vote of those who signed this seal, or either child rejecting this contract. I know you council members will be trying to cancel this, so don't even bother. This contract is by my will, and those who try to oppose it shall be struck down! Our blood and our names seal this contract!

As Bonnie finished, four sets of thumbprints and signatures appeared in the air, identifying the holders.

"As you can see, the contract was solidified some nineteen and a half years ago. However, Hiashi, as the only known surviving signer of this contract, has sole control over it. Under this provision, he is perfectly free to void the contract. My question is; why?"

"Excuse me? I believe that, as you have said, I have every right to-"

"No, no. You misunderstand me." Josh raised his hands. "Most fathers would give their left nut for this chance. Your daughter is not only betrothed to the son of a Kage, but also is the last remaining descendent of two extremely powerful families. He's distantly related to the Senju, don't ask. DNA tests. He's rich, he's a kind kid if you're not a fangirl, and that's just his local life."

"Local life?"

"Yeah… as a Guardian, he's one of the youngest ever to achieve Proto, Initial, Dark, and Sacred Guardian Stages. He was trained by the last of the Original Seven Guardians, he's a Class S Guardian, and he works with me, the nephew of the Seventh Director of all Guardians, a high ranking military officer, and a Class S Guardian to boot. His legions of fangirls are second to none, and their parents can't exactly say no. What with his pedigree, abilities, finances, and looks, what sane person doesn't want their daughter to marry him?"

"He is insane and carries a demon-"

"Hate to break it to you, but the stronger someone is, the higher the chance of insanity is. After you spend all that time training, something's gonna give. And he's actually less insane than the vast majority of guardians, myself included. As for the demon, Kyuubi's quite docile… as long as you don't royally piss him off. Celebrating his quote unquote 'death' is a great way to piss him off. Just a small hint."

"It matters not. I am dissolving this marriage contract-"

"Ah… there is a slight technicality there."

"Excuse me?"

Josh pushed up his eyepiece. "According to the laws of the village, a party that seeks to break a marriage contract, without the consent of the other party, is allowed by the opposing party to, at the expense of the same party, to host a tournament to challenge the breaking of the contract, but the breaking party gets to make up the rules, within reason. I have no idea why you guys included that provision. It makes even less sense than Aizen's weakness."

"What?"

"Oh. Did I say that out loud? Sorry. Someone I knew. Anyway, to put it simply, if you want to break off the contract, Naruto is free to declare a tournament and challenge that revocation. 'Course, he would have to pay for it, but I've seen his finances. It won't even faze him. And if it does, I'll lend him some cash."

"And how do you plan to get him to throw this tournament? As I recall, he's got a problem with girls."

"Fangirls." The guardian corrected. "He's got no problem with the ones that aren't trying to get into his pants. And honestly? I worked with the guy for sixteen hundred years. I think I know what buttons to push. Bonnie? Check my finances."

"Checking. Excluding deposit boxes and unique artifacts, you currently possess four hundred million and six hundred thousand credits, enough to fully rearm the Strife."

Josh bit his lip, thinking. "Well, with a Class C Mission, I should have enough to wangle it. All right, patch me through to the idiot."

"Patching."

"!"

"Huh. Looks like the fangirls found him. Right. NARUTO! Get to the council chambers now! I've got a deal for you!"

"IWOULDBUTIMFUCKINGRUNNING!"

The swordsman sighed. "Bonnie, would you be so kind as to activate one of the orbital cannons, flash mode? Buy him enough time to get away. OI! IDIOT! CLOSE YOUR EYES! FLASH INBOUND!"

It was rather fortunate that the dome on the top of the council chambers were still boarded up after the last meeting regarding Naruto, or everyone inside would have been blinded. As it was, the flash was enough to make everyone see spots, even through the crack under the door.

By the time they had rubbed their eyes clean, Naruto had already Hiraishined into the room and was sealing up the door. "Goddamn, that was a big crowd. Never knew Konoha had that many women. Right. Deal?"

Josh pocketed all the documents and his eyepiece, slipping his helmet on right afterwards. "Throw a tournament to break a contract, and I'll pay for all your ramen for the first year after we get back to central. Win the tournament, and I'll pay for the first ten years."

"Deal. Wait, what contract?"

Josh grinned under his helmet and passed Naruto the contract, which he scanned rapidly. "No backing out now. Oh, and just so that you know, I intend to enter."

Author's Note:

WOOT.

Back.

Yeah, sorry for the update. Parents are getting on my case about college, and along with my APs, well.

Let's just say that time is limited.

So, things are getting intresting. Umm, so what do you think of the double release? Should i go to them, or stick with single ones?

Just give me a shout out in the reviews.

Speaking of reviews...

WHERE ARE THEY!

BLARG! REVIEWS! COME ON PEOPLE! I HATE PREACHING TO AN EMPTY ROOM! ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING!

That being said, that's all.

Expect the next chapter soon.

Xingster.