I took the offered pills from Ray and swallow them in two difficult gulps. My throat doesn't feel like it will ever be normal again as I struggle against the swelling to complete the simple task of swallowing. I've been hurt far worse than this before. I have nothing to complain about, so what am I worried about now?
It's happened again… hit from behind by friendly fire in the pursuit of stopping the criminal. My mind flashed back to Victoria. Her raven hair waving in the wind as I reach my hand out to her and jump… only to be stopped by the piercing of the bullet in my back. The bullet that left me lying paralyzed… the bullet fired by my friend.
They're calling it friendly fire… same now as back then… all those years ago. I'm living proof that there's nothing friendly about any of it. Nothing friendly about the recovery, nothing friendly about the nightmares it brings back to the surface, nothing friendly about the strain it puts on a friendship. The nightmares I had struggled with for so long and was finally able to put a lock on, until now. It took Ray Vecchio and me a long time to come to terms with what had happened between us. There were times I wasn't sure I could forgive him or even forgive myself… but I did and we moved on. The bullet now feels like a golf ball pressing firmly against my spine. It's final resting place forever.
I let Ray lead me to bed, undress me, help me under the covers and hold me close. He's feeling guilty about me getting hurt, as if he had pulled the trigger himself. Guilt over not having his glasses, when he knows he should wear them all the time, guilt at having to let someone else take over control of the situation. He had to place his trust and ultimately mine, in the hands of a rookie cop. Although a very decent shot… he lacked the experience to know that he should have hesitated a few more seconds in order to get a cleaner shot. But he just wanted to be the hero… and save the day.
I've never told Ray, my Ray… about Victoria. He knows what is in the file, which isn't a whole lot, thanks to Ray Vecchio. He helped hide my weakness and in doing so, saved me from myself. Maybe it's time I told him… everything. The thought of doing so… scares the hell out of me. It would mean exposing a part of myself that I have never let anyone else see, a part of myself I'm not proud of. Maybe tomorrow I will tell him, when my thoughts aren't so clouded over. Tonight, I just want him to hold me and never let go.
"What are you thinking, Ben?" Ray asks me as we lay entangled in each other's arms.
I'm exhausted from the ordeal at the diner, my shoulder is on fire, swallowing is still difficult and painful and all I can think is… "I was scared, Ray." My voice is hoarse from my throat being constricted for too long. I have my eyes closed and I open them slowly and lock onto his. A fresh tear escapes and slides along the crease where his nose meets his cheek. I softly brush it away with my thumb.
"Me too, Ben. I've had all this training on what to do in a hostage situation but it all flew out the window when you became the hostage. I'm so sorry… I never meant for you to get hurt. If… if I could just take back everything I did…" I place a finger to his lips and silence him.
"Just hold me."
I wake up gasping for air, fervently clawing at the raven curls that are encircling my throat. I scratch and claw until I feel Ray's hands cover mine and attempt to pull them away from my battered throat. I'm sitting upright in bed, breathing hard and drenched in a cold sweat. Dief is whining beside me on the floor and Ray has the bedside lamp clicked on. I still have my hands at my throat pulling at the invisible curls threatening to choke me.
"Ben…"
I hear my name being called but it isn't Ray calling me… it's her. Victoria's 'Come with me, Ben', is all I hear as the light breaks the darkness. 'Come with me…' is whispered in my ear as the raven curls cinch tighter around my throat. I have my hands to my neck, grasping the curls and I'm thrashing my elbows about trying to break loose…
"Ow, Fraser… what the fuck?"
I feel strong hands firmly pulling at my elbow. I'm still gasping for air and my heart is racing. I open my eyes to see Ray with his fingers pressed to a bloody lip. The fog is slowly lifting and I am becoming more aware of my surroundings. I'm home… safe in bed, far away from a snowy train platform that keeps calling my name.
"Ben, what's going on?" Ray asks me and I can hear the concern in his voice. He gets a tissue and blots the blood from his lip. "You okay?" he asks me again and I feel his warm hands on my back rubbing soothing circles around my scar.
I close my eyes tight, take in a deep calming breath, hold it and let it out slowly. When I open my eyes again, Ray is off the bed and offering me a glass of cool water. I think I can trust myself to speak.
"I'm sorry, Ray. It was just a bad dream. I didn't mean to hit you, I felt like I was being choked and I couldn't get free." I wince as he runs his tongue across his split lip. I must have elbowed him good.
"Just a bad dream, huh… sounds more like a nightmare to me. Was it the guy from the diner tonight?"
"No…" I get out of bed to refill my glass of water in an attempt to soothe my sore throat.
Ray follows me to the kitchen and starts a pot of coffee. He shrugs his shoulders and smiles warmly at me. "I figure we may be up for a while and I'm going to need some 'go juice'. Want me to put the kettle on for tea?"
"Thank you, tea would be nice."
Coffee and tea in hands, we settle ourselves on the couch. Ray waits patiently for me to begin. We are at opposite ends of the couch and he has taken my feet into his lap and has begun to rub them. I smile at his kind gesture.
"Her name was Victoria… and I let her destroy everything I stood for."
"Come on, Ben… she didn't destroy you. You're a great guy… you're the best person I know."
"Ray Vecchio stopped me from leaving with her, from completing the biggest mistake of my life."
"How's that?" Ray asked me before thinking and then suddenly stopped massaging my feet and stared at me. "Oh… yeah. Shit… I'm sorry, Ben."
"She saved my life many years ago and I still turned her in for her part in a bank robbery. When I ran into her here in Chicago, ten years later… I thought with the way she was acting, she had forgiven me. I was so taken with her beauty again and the fact that she had once saved my life when all she had to do was walk away and let me die. I let her pull me into her trap, unguarded. I still can't explain everything that transpired. I was willing to destroy everything I believed in, everything I stood for, the trust of my friend, just to be with her and I was too blind with what I thought was love to see her for what she really was. It took a bullet to make me see things clearly. I would have done anything to be with her."
Ray sat silently, listening to my tale of Victoria. After several moments of silence he asked me a question I wasn't prepared for… "What if she came back now? What would you do?"
I hadn't thought of this question for many years and my answer has transformed multiple times over the course of those years. "I do stupid, careless things around that woman, Ray. I've learned and have finally convinced myself that she will stop at nothing to bring me down with her. You always call me, Superman… she's my kryptonite. She makes me weak."
Ray let go of my feet as if I had just driven a wedge into our existing relationship. I slid down the couch and took his hands into mine before he could move.
"But you, Ray… you keep me strong. My life is with you, and I want her gone. I need her gone from all my nightmares, so I can finally rest in peace. I need to find her and bring her in, one last time. Will you help me?" I squeeze Ray's hands praying he understands and agrees.
"So, I'm like Superman's Lois Lane?"
Leave it to Ray to crack a joke and help ease some of my tension. "Yes… you're my good luck charm, and I love you more than life itself." I lean forward and kiss his split lip, deeply sorry for the elbow to his beautiful face.
"Let's go find the crazy bitch and bring her in." Ray gives me a crooked smile and returns my kiss.
"Understood, Ray."