A/N : Alright everyone, hand is healed and I'm ready to write more for you lovely people. Now I have a few things to say to you about this story, it is ending shortly and if I needed anymore proof that its coming to a conclusion, the readership seems to be down, but not as much as the reviews.
I guess this piece really has had its time in the sun...so I am figuring all the final details of this as we speak. Maybe another chapter and an epilogue and that's the story :) It will be up and down, remember the title kids ;)... To all those who have reviewed loyally I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the constant humble validation, but I guess all things must end right?
When this is done I do have some other fic ideas in the works but I'm getting leery about posting them, we shall see. But until then here's the next one and I truly truly hope that you like where this is going.
Song List :
Gaeta's Lament By Bear McCreary (*) Blaine – words were changed from she to me...trust me it fits better with the story this way :D
Diaspora Oratorio By Bear McCreary (**) Kurt and Others (no spoilers lol)
Handel - Lascia ch'io pianga (***) Kurt- But look up Philippe Jaroussky's version, he is a true countertenor and it's glorious opera.
Love you all and sincerely and yet again thank you for letting me share my AU Klaine love with all of you..
Review guys, LMK that I don't suck. Ta!
Bittersweet Symphony
Chapter 18 – Angel's last song
(KPOV)
"Kurt I...move in with me?" Did he really just ask that? Oh fuck me sideways you can't be serious, I was so close to planning...this wasn't supposed to happen yet...shit.
"Umm Blaine I..."
"I know, I know it's out of the blue but I really have been thinking about it for a long time, and now just really seemed like the best time to say something before I lost my nerve. Oh god I fucked this up didn't I? I'm sorry, Kurt I love you and I don't wanna break up, I can't lose you and I.."
"Blaine honey, please shut up."
That seemed to work.
"Blaine of course I love you too and no we are not breaking up as far as I am concerned. Honestly we've never been closer. And I well...I do want to live with you...eventually but I don't want to rush into anything like that."
Blaine seemed to deflate at these words and I knew for a fact that he was shutting down politely, trying to hide his fear of being dumped and forgotten because I didn't want to live with him. Ironically enough that was one of the furthest things from the truth possible. I had been thinking about this exact situation a lot recently, especially in the last month. I had been talking it over with Rach and Finn and on the phone with Cedes, and I had come to the conclusion that once school was done we would discuss it more, but Blaine seemed to have this bad timing ability. He always seemed to pick the worst times to say or suggest things.
"Hey...look at me Blaine."
His honey glazed eyes, dripping with unshed tears were only somewhat masked by the cold expression he was giving me. I knew this wasn't meant as an insult to me in any way, he was just trying to inwardly protect himself but as it seemed a duty of mine recently, I had to calm him down when there was no need for irrationality...that was supposed to be my M.O.
"I don't now, nor do I ever intend on breaking up with you as long as you'll have me...personally I'm content with forever. And yes I do want to live with you, I think we've been through enough to give living together a try, but I was going to wait until after the school year and after my finals and graduation to suggest it. We've been so busy recently and throwing something like this into the mix, wouldn't be fair because we couldn't give our relationship the focus it needs with something this big. I want to live with you...but I want us to try and start fresh."
Blaine stopped and wiped his eyes, a quizzical expression replacing the slightly panicked one that was there a second ago. Well at least that's an improvement. He shook his head and winced a little, grabbing his good ear which seemed to be a little tender.
"Hey you okay?"
He shook it off quickly, " Yeah, just haven't worn my aid all day really and I've been straining, sorry what do you mean a fresh start?"
"Okay...I mean, you and I start new. Not my apartment or yours but ours. We buy a new place and bring both of our things there and truly make it ours." I leaned into him and tried to hug him but he winced a little. He had been doing that a lot recently, but I guess it was stress related, I mean he did have his symphony almost completed and the faculty was salivating to pitch his work to the Philharmonic's chairman who was coming to the end of year benefit in two weeks. It coincided with my final exam date, but I wasn't going to miss it for the world.
"Are you sure you're okay baby? You sure your ear's not buggin you?"
"No I'm fine love, just sore and I guess I am a little stressed this week. But back to the point, I really like that idea honey. I was just so worried that you were going to flip at me for suggesting such a thing and so soon. I'm glad you want to live with me and that I wasn't talking out of my ass in suggesting it out of the blue."
I smiled because I knew I had calmed him down and reassured him that yes I definitely wanted to live with him. But there was something off with him. He seemed a little shorter fused than normal, and he was really tired all the time, I just didn't know if it was school/work, the issues we had been dealing with in regards to my past, or the fact that he was working so furiously on his symphony that he never seemed to sleep even though I harped at him to relax a little.
I guess a combination of all of those factors would make me on edge too.
"I would never. I love you too much. Wanna snuggle and try and relax on our lazy weekend day and watch The King and I now?"
XXXX
(BPOV)
"I would never. I love you too much...buzzzzzz.... watch The King and I now?" Kurt looked at me hopefully and I tried to not let it register that I had only heard about 60 percent of that sentence. I thanked every deity that I could read lips and nodded while saying yes without another word.
This wasn't good. I had been perfectly fine adjusting to my new hearing level even if it wasn't perfect, and I had been weaned off the long term steroids and on a small dose now every other day with no real changes in my hearing now in almost two months. I had been on anti-virals and antibiotics for most of my twenties, I hadn't been sick that whole time, but only ever had to deal with still being deaf. Why the hell is my ear ringing, or was it buzzing, now all of a sudden? I knew that like most maladies, stress usually made the onset of symptoms worse, and that maybe my current condition seemed to worsen in times of great stress.
I had done this panic attack thing, I had this experience and I wasn't the big stress case that I had been then, if anything I had been much more content in the last few months than I had been in so many years. Yes, of course I had been busy with my music and work and stuff but there was nothing malady related to any of those things...for once I had just gotten use to being better.
It made sense to me, my logic that I was just stressing and over thinking, so I tried to not let it bother me as i settled down beside Kurt for another movie which allowed us to enjoy Rogers and Hammerstein's musical glory days.
But I would mention it to Kurt this time if it got worse...I wouldn't do that again to the man I loved.
Not now, I'm so close to being done...not now, why?
XXXX
(KPOV)
"Oh hi Kurt. Blaine's not here right now he left about an hour ago, said he was heading home early since he had a 'stroke of genius', personally from the tired look in his eyes I think it looks more like the boy actually had a stroke."
"Yeah I know what you mean...for the last week and a half he's been like a mad man finishing off that symphony, and then running to rehearsals with the orchestra. I know you haven't heard it yet and he's keeping it very hush hush but I haven't seen him this distraught in...well ever. Uh sorry can I come in Barb?"
Barbra and I had finally decided to bury the hatchet a few weeks back when I had mentioned to her about moving in with Blaine. She had walked by Rach and me one day after we dropped Blaine off from lunch, and heard us whispering about it. I was more than willing to let her in on my idea regarding Blaine moving in with me or us collectively as it were, and it was the first time Barb sent a smile in my direction that was completely for me.
That afternoon, since I hadn't any classes but merely some exam planning to do, we had sat and talked about our similarities, our obvious differences and our even more obvious love for being opera teachers. It was no wonder Barb knew my old icy exterior so well, she joked that even though she never knew my past, that she was abused by her first husband and spent 2 years in and out of community housing pulling her life back together, so she knew very well about being a bitch to protect yourself. It was only then that I got to see why Blaine and her were such good friends, it was like Barb and I were kind of identical except I was a guy, 10 years her junior and personally I had a way better wardrobe.
"Sure Kurt. So you've noticed Blainey is a little lost in translation right now too huh?" I sat down in the chair opposite her.
"Yeah, like the day last week when we talked about moving in together..."
"Oooh insert squeal here, how did lover boy take it?"
"Actually he brought it up, it was kind of out of the nowhere really, we were just sitting watching a movie one morning when he blurted it out. I had said when the school year was finished we would address it with a clear head then, and of course he flipped out a little, but he liked the idea of us buying a whole new place. Since he got the family settlement and I've been saving since last fall for a new wardrobe, I have money saved too, so it would be no problem buying something decent in today's market.
He was really happy at first but then he seemed to tense, and I didn't like it. It was like he was getting a headache all of a sudden and then it would be gone. Like bipolar brain pain or whatever. It didn't make any sense, and now he's just getting well...snippier. It's like one minute his chipper mcdapper pants Anderson, and then he shuts himself off, buries himself in his music and he disappears. I mean I haven't received a cheer up text in two days."
"Cheer up text? Are you guys bidding for the most sickeningly cute couple of New York award, because I swear my hubby and I did not get an invitation this year."
"Barb, focus."
"I know Kurt I know...respect your elders anyway ha ha ha...sorry I deflect when I'm unsure, and shit Blaine has been making me feel like the most unsure woman in New York recently. He turned down beer night on Friday, also affectionately known as Teachers Conferences, to go home and rewrite a section that he said had been driving him mad, and then the other day he turned down private lessons with that friend of his Emma, she called here to see if Blaine was okay, because she didn't have your number and Blaine wasn't answering her."
"That is weird. I guess he really has been as lost in his music as I thought he was, Em and him are pretty close. I hope he's okay, I just wish there was something I could do to cheer him up, bring him back to the real world for a while and let him find some peace. Maybe then he'd tell me what was wrong, I hope I didn't do anything to upset him."
"Kurt honey, you are the best thing to happen to my little B is so long. I knew him as a cocky little shit with more talent than he had height but his attitude could have swallowed Brooklyn. He became introverted somewhat after his ailment hit him, and then Ty left him and his parents had always been douche holes, but since the fall Kurt, he's been a different man, a fighter, I just think that every once in a while he needs to be reminded of what he's got, friends, your family and mostly you. And I've got an idea to show him...you game... soon to be Professor Hummel?"
There was a gleam in her eyes that was genuine love that I knew was for Blaine and also a inclining surprise...Blaine loved surprises.
"You have my attention madam."
XXXX
(BPOV)
One day, I had one fucking day and I couldn't get this right. I had one movement that just didn't sit right in my head, and it was the crescendo, the last movement in the unorthodox structure of my young life's work and I couldn't get this stupid ringing in my ears to fucking stop long enough to think clearly. Ugh!
I threw the paper I was scribbling on across my living room as I stood up from where I had been sitting by the piano, and I swayed a bit. I repositioned my hearing aid, tapping it lightly to make sure it was on because god only knew if the thing was working this week. I had been hearing but not hearing, blaming it on the lack of sleep, but knowing something was up with my hearing yet fucking again but this time I wasn't letting it stop me, I was going to finish this stupid symphony while I still could.
I took a large gulp of wine, knowing I shouldn't but who the fuck cared at this point. After draining my glass and successfully giving myself a case of the minor spinnies, I sat back down by the piano in a sad huff. Sometime in the last few minutes I had begun crying and I wasn't sure why or when it started. I took a look at my surroundings, I must have looked like the composing version of a mad scientist here, sitting the veritable darkness, surrounded by sheet music, which was thankfully numbered so I could reorganize my thrown about mess eventually, and I was wearing what were questionably clean pyjamas. I had rushed home, trying to forget about the pain that I was in over the last few days, the pain in my head and ear, the pain I was causing Barb and my friends and Kurt...oh god I still hadn't told Kurt what I had been dealing with. I knew it was stupid but I was beginning to fear that I was going to lose everything including my sanity if I didn't finish this symphony sooner rather than later. It had to be perfect, it had to be right and I was losing hope that I would finish it well enough before I lost all grasp with reality. Kurt didn't deserve to live with someone this unstable, he couldn't worry about his own problems as well as mine, it was too much to ask.
I had lost my drive again, even though the music was flowing out of me I was losing my grip on everything else and there was a constant dull pain in my head that made me want to cry more often than not.
I took a breather, remembering the same breathing exercise I used with Kurt in calming himself down and it seemed to work as I stopped sobbing and let only a few errant tears escape. I let my feelings escape me as I tried to convey a longing or a loss for something better, something I knew in my heart that someone like Kurt deserved but something I felt I would never get.
I would get through this. I will get through this. Despair is only the end absolution to failure, and I would not fail, not this time...not this time.
I sat remembering the new song, the one I had only written yesterday as it flowed through my mind. My consciousness conjuring up a full orchestra for me at the very thought of it as I heard the music. I sang along, even if I could only marginally hear myself now, the buzzing was either from the defect that was my constant bane or from the alcohol now. Starting only with the sound of my voice I channelled my calm through my increasingly silent hurt.
(*)
Alone I sleep in the shirt of man
with my three wishes clutched in my hand
the first that I be spared of pain
that comes from a dark and laughing rain
when I find love
may it always stay true
yes I beg for a second wish I made too
but wish no more
my life you can take
to have me please just one one day wake
to have me please just one day wake
to have me please just one day wake
I could hear my orchestra, my music coming to life in my mind. Never had I felt clearer in a state of panic and pain, but I sang for everything that I lost and that everything that I would probably loose soon because life was unkind and cruel, even if there were saving graces which I fought for...I would always keep fighting, always for Kurt. Just one more day and I could show him the music I made for him, one more day and then I could then succumb to whatever the world wanted from me, hearing or otherwise.
Alone I sleep in the shirt of man
with my three wishes clutched in my hand
the first that I be spared of pain
that comes from a dark and laughing rain
when I find love
may it always stay true
yes I beg for a second wish I made too
but wish no more
my life you can take
to have me please just one one day wake
to have me please just one day wake
to have me please just one day wake
In the death of music there was so much life. There was so much life...that was it, I had found my ending, in the end comes so much life. I didn't cease crying the rest of the night, but I knew that as the ringing returned, that I only had a little bit of time left to write down and show the word that I would always write beautiful music for the most beautiful man I knew.
My Kurt
XXXX
(KPOV)
"I'm so proud of you baby." I kissed him on the cheek as we got dressed at his house in our evenings finest. I was ready to surprise him with Barb and I'm sure he was nervously awaiting the warm up with the orchestra to go over the last minute revisions he had been running through with them this morning. He had been abnormally quiet since I had met up with him today, and I figured he was just nervous, but I saw him reach 3 times for the ibuprofen so this time I stopped him.
"Blaine...please tell me what's wrong."
Blaine sighed and raised his hands to shoulder level and then something clicked, when he spoke but he also began to sign.
"Kurt, I'm sorry but everything's falling apart."
My mouth was surely hanging open, how had I not noticed the signs before now? How could I have remained ignorant to his obvious struggle, even if he had done a good job at hiding it...
"I wanted to tell you sooner...I promised you I would, but I wanted to make sure, and well now I know. I'm losing my hearing again, I can feel it slipping away, the pain in my head, the humming, it only goes away when I have a lot of these. I need to got to the doctor, but I'm scared to go and as much as that's not a valid excuse I know...I just want to get through tonight still hearing because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to again, I just know that this may be my last chance to hear my own music, or something as beautiful as your laugh again. I need you to be proud of me for something I did, before you leave me because I'm going to be so useless after all this and I just...I love you so much..."
As much as I was almost breaking at the seams in panic, I stopped myself from shaking apart so I could kiss him. I cried and sobbed as our lips touched, gently and closed mouthed but it was only to make him and I feel. Feel that nothing was lost because as long as we were together nothing was ever lost. I knew that I had given up my control to him, I knew that everything that made this broken man whole was what I needed to fix myself, and it was the same for Blaine. All the gaps and holes and worries that he had I was there to repair. We completed each other and he needed to know that we would never stop, no matter how terrifying the prospects. I pulled away only after I felt that he had calmed a little.
"Blaine, watch my lips okay. I am now terrified that we should skip tonight..." His eyes bugged out and his mouthed opened in a plea that never came.
"...but I know how important tonight is to you, and to me too. Just promise me somethings. If you feel like your losing balance, or the ringing comes back full or if anything seems like too much you will get me or Cooper, Nicky or Jeff, or hell even Rach or my dad since they're all coming tonight, and they rush you to emerge. Please just promise me that Blaine, I won't begrudge you anything, nor will I lose it because you didn't tell me why you've been distant for the last week or two until now...just promise me that you won't risk yourself for any sake now that I know...please?"
Blaine only nodded, but there was a sincerity to his facial features through the sadness that was still my Blaine, the one that would never lie to me, and would keep his promise.
"Okay, I'm so sorry Kurt."
"It's okay Blaine, we'll figure this out. And I won't stop loving you no matter what happens, just as long as you fight for us, I'll fight to keep you safe."
"I love you beautiful."
I thought back to the familiar sign he just used and the one back on our first date and eventual Thanksgiving that I signed to him then combined and repeated it.
"No Blaine, you a.r.e b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l, you're beautiful, I love you."
He smiled then, and I think that despite the grimace he was still sporting, showing his fatigue and hurt that this was the first genuine smile I had seen on his face in so many days.
XXXX
(BPOV)
"Ladies and gentleman I can't tell you how amazing it is to see all of you here, so thank you on behalf of myself and the rest of the staff for your attendance and attention. It seemed to be a tradition this year that we throw a monkey wrench into each evenings plans but that is no different tonight for we have a few surprises yet. Lastly as you well know, your distinguished staff member, and now much more well known composer, has finished his opus and wants to share it with us tonight at the end of the night. Now I know Blaine..." she pointed to me, and since I had asked for a signer to be at the performance I could make out the words I was missing, " I know that you are itching to get up here and show us your stuff but I have few tricks up my sleeves. Now may I present, from our own staff, Terrence Yi, co department head of opera and voice; tenor. Rick Reynolds strings master and classic baritone, and of course you know me, Barbra Logan, opera department head, choir master and soprano."
The room applauded each member as they came out and this was freaking me out, Barb never performed anymore and I hadn't seen Terrance outside of a classroom in years.
"And now as uncouth as this normally would be let me introduce a chairman on the board of directors at Julliard, the head of the opera division there as well and a baritenor to boot, Mr. Sean Larson."
Okay so the big guns were coming out to play, the only thing that would make this grouping even better would be...
"And introducing a famous young man in our small slice of musical heaven, Julliard's own operatic golden boy and TA Mr. Kurt Hummel...and if you don't know he's a countertenor, you really should brush up on your musical history folks."
The crowd laughed I saw Kurt walk out from stage left to shake Barb's hand and to my surprise she hugged him and Kurt hugged back.
I looked over at Cooper who was sitting on my left, " Did you know about this Coop?"
Coop looked as shocked as I was, although he was a good actor so I was sceptic, and even a little worried when he saw me sign but made no rush to ask why.
"Not a clue squirt." He was so lying.
"Okay so this random gathering of some of New York's finest has come together under some very odd circumstances. You see the aforementioned Blaine Anderson has been quite the musical genius and just somethings aren't meant to lay hidden from the public Blaine. His brother came to me recently having found a few crumpled up pieces containing Mr Anderson's newer works, and I have to say that this piece was not worth the trash Blaine, on the contrary, we're going to make sure you know how beautiful your musical mind is when we perform your original Diasporo Oratorio in D minor, in 4 part harmony, as you originally intended it. We finished the Latin translation Blaine, so it won't lose any of it's potency. This is our gift to you Blaine, enjoy your work coming to life, we love you."
I made quick eye contact with Kurt, as there falsetto voices, without microphones, raised in quite unison as I had hoped to hear them, coming to life before my eyes and mind. The orchestra knowing when to chime in, and this was not an easy piece, so this had to have been practiced for a while without my knowledge.
(**)
Finis itineris
Viatores fatigati
Venientes ad litus longe distantem
Collinae virentes
Superstant nebulam tristem
Dies surgit
Unda matutina
Omnes passi sumus multa
Omnes superviximus
Venimus Terram
Fratres sororesque
Inimici et amici
Osculamini
Domum venimus
Iam plango
Iam plango
Non mortuos
Sed implacatos
Collinae virentes nos excipient
Vento sequente
Caeli aperient
Approquinquantibus
The piece was beautiful. Kurt and Barb taking the high end and the rest of the tenors and bari-tenors taking the lower end. The 6 voices could have been a whole choir, but everything I had hoped that piece would have paled in comparison to how it sounded. As much as I knew it didn't hear it perfectly, I heard it enough to understand it beauty. It was exactly how it sounded in my head when I wrote it. The dizziness was getting worse and it only stopped swirling when the crowd finished erupting and everyone that had been giving a standing ovation or coming over to my seat and shaking my hand very unorthodox like, had been seated again.
"Blaine..."
I looked up at the stage through the whirl in my head, I could feel myself sweating, as if I was the one on stage but my calm returned when I saw Kurt now standing alone on the stage, microphone in hand, with his eyes and body facing me completely, as if he and I were the only ones in the room.
"Blaine you know I love you but apparently you loved something else about me before we had even met, and that was my voice. How anyone could take a scrawny teen from mid western Ohio and mold him into someone confident in his high vocal range still astounds me. This confidence led me on to perform some one Handel's more challenging works when I was just a student at Julliard, and it was Handel's work that brought me Blaine Anderson. Now I may not have known it until this past year but Blaine fell in love with my voice that day."
The crowd was enraptured by him, all eyes in the auditorium were on him but his never strayed from mine, even as I blinked to clear the sweat off my brow again and blink back the tears his memories and kind words were encouraging.
"I love you Blaine, and this is me performing one of Handel's greats. You wanted to hear me sing like this for you again, well this Blaine Anderson is for you."
As the world spun I could feel Cooper's hand on mine.
"Dude you okay...Blaine..."
"M'fine, Kurt's singing for me Coop...shhh" It was mumbled and probably far childish that I normally talked but it was all I could come up with as Kurt opened his mouth as the song began.
Lascia ch'io pianga mia cruda sorte
E che sospiri la libertà
The pain grew a little as I was engulfed in the throb of my head but I needed to finish hearing Kurt sing. This was something that I had been waiting to hear for almost 4 years now, hearing the angel that I fell for all that time ago grace me with the melodic high pitch yet again.
Il duolo infranga queste ritorte
De miei martiri sol per pietà
De miei martiri sol per pietà
Lascia ch'io pianga mia cruda sorte
E che sospiri la libertà
My vision was blurring as I felt Cooper nudge his way so he was almost sitting in my lap and grabbing my face. My vision was a mix of colours and shapes but no real forms, but I could still hear Kurt which was all I needed, or cared about at that moment. Looking away from Coop I saw the stage lights on Kurt, the overly bright light hurting my eyes but it gave the man an aura, bright and true
"Squirt! Blaine look at me what's wrong...answer me please!" He was whispering or he might have been yelling but the words from Kurt's mouth hung in the background, sealing a smile on my face as the rows in front and behind us started to stir with the commotion we were making.
"Ear, dizzy...Coop, take me... hospital I promised that angel...my angel."
E che sospiri
E che sospiri la libertà
The sounds of Kurt were falling away as I felt Cooper pick me up bridal style and begin to carry me away from the angel. There was a flood in my ear and the smell of something metallic but all I could really tell was Kurt's voice was getting farther away. No, no Cooper go back, I need his voice, it makes me whole, why can't he hear me, why can't I hear him at all anymore?
Lascia ch'io pianga mia cruda sorte
That was the last line I heard before everything went black, the painful irony of the words last sung that I could hear from Kurt meant, 'Let me weep over my cruel fate'. I didn't hear the last line.
Well, I guess that explains the title of this fic huh? Reviews will keep me fuelled for more of this maybe today if not tomorrow. Remember I love you all xxx Everything will be explain in the next (last?) chapter I assure you.
Translation for diaspora Oratorio(English)
Journey's end
Weary travellers
Approach a distant shore
Verdant peaks
Pierce the melancholy haze
The sky breaks
Like a wave
We have all suffered
We have all survived
We have arrived at Earth
Brothers and sisters
Enemies and friends
Embrace
For we have come home
Yet I weep
Yet I weep
Not for the fallen
But for the unforgiven
Green hills await
With wind at our backs
The heavens part
As we approach