I went hunting that day. While walking through the district I was surprised and saddened by the changes I saw and learned of. Madge, my good friend and person who gave me my mockingjay pin was dead. There was a mass grave for all of the dead. Was nothing sacred anymore? But I suppose there was no avoiding it. There were too many dead bodies and most were unidentifiable.
I went to the cliff where Gale and I would sit and couldn't help imagining him there with me. While I was glad he had started over again in District 2, I couldn't help but wish a friend was here with me, able to mourn those we lost. Peeta was in town, but I wasn't sure of how stable he was. Sure he had greeted me in a friendly manner, but how much is that the norm now?
As I sat there thinking about Gale, then Peeta, I couldn't help but think of the many changes from the past two years. After who knows how long, I feel drained and slowly make my way up, trudging through the woods, losing all hope of actually catching anything today. My energy gives out and luckily Thom is there to bring me back home. When I make my way through the door I hear a familiar his and my eyes drop to see him. How in the world did he make it back here?
"It's a waste of a trip. She's not here," I tell him, with bitterness in my voice. Buttercup hisses again. "She's not here. Hiss all you like, you won't find her!" I feel real pain for the first time and start throwing whatever I can at the cat that has brought back such painful memories. "Get out! Go away!" But I can't help it. I sink down, clutching the pillow to my stomach and begin sobbing. "She's dead." I wake a few hours later I wake, clutching the pillow and straighten my stiffened body to make the trek upstairs. When I wake the next morning he is still there, standing guard for me.
I call my mother and we cry together. There is a sense of awakening in me. I feel more and the thick fog that invaded my brain is slowly starting to lift. I can tell that things are getting better when there is meaning behind my everyday actions. I no longer wander mindlessly as I go to breakfast and I try to carry a conversation with Greasy Sae when she comes to cook for me.
One morning as I am upstairs getting dressed and studying my scars I hear Sae come inside. She doesn't knock really, she just lets herself inside. I hear the girl giggle and then hear a third set of feet and laughter along with the little girl. And freshly baked bread. The smell sets a light off in my brain and I am suddenly aware of who came in with Sae and her granddaughter. I quickly finish dressing and put my hair in a sloppy braid as I go downstairs.
"I thought I would rather make one larger breakfast instead of two separate ones so I invited the boy over," Sae says and Peeta greets me with a gentle but sincere smile, holding up the bread almost as a peace offering.
"I don't mind," I say, lying through my teeth. It's not that I mind so much as I'm unprepared. There are still a lot of questions in my mind regarding Peeta. How often does he have flashbacks? How violent does he get when he has them? Does he even care about me like that anymore? Do I feel the same way about him? As I try to push the thoughts to the back of my head I'm snapped back into reality when I hear a chair scraping against the ground. Sae's granddaughter dragged her chair right next to Peeta's. As she whispers something in his ear he makes sure he pays close attention and nods at the end, giving her a smile.
"Peeta's my boyfriend, Katniss," the girl says as Peeta and I start eating. I look at him and he smiles while he eats, his mouth full of food. It makes me smile to and I can't help but ask, "Oh really?" to which Peeta manages to make a half-serious/half-joking face and nod very firmly that this is indeed the case. "I see Peeta likes them much younger then," Sae said as she sat down at the table. She hadn't been feeling too well so I told her I'd do dishes and she could relax before heading out.
After Sae and her granddaughter left Peeta finished his breakfast and sat back, patting his stomach with a very satisfied look on his face. I smiled and got up to get started on the dishes. "So, how long has this young love been going on?" I ask with a bit of a laugh. "Oh, for about a week. What can I say? The ladies love me!" Peeta responds as I throw a dishtowel I had been using at him. We laugh for a second and he gets up, taking the dishtowel and coming to my side to help finish the dishes. We stand there silently, with smiles across our faces as we finish the dishes and put the remaining food away. When we finish he goes towards the door and is about to leave when I can't stop myself, "Thank you." "No problem. I had a couple of loaves-" "no, thank you for coming by." "No problem, Katniss," he says as he smiles and lets himself out.
The next few days he comes along with Sae, bringing a variety of baked goods. Muffins, biscuits, scones, and especially cheese buns. I'm starting to gain my appetite and I can tell Sae is pleased since we're both starting to put weight back on. After each of the visits we stand there, doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. Sometimes one of us will tell a joke, other times I might hum a song and he tries to hum along, clearly off pitch. But it helps. I still have vicious nightmares that wake me up, screaming to be released from a mutt's iron grip or Snow's bloody, maniacal laugh. But now the days don't seem like nightmares. I eat breakfast, go hunting, and come home to eat dinner with Sae. I wonder why she doesn't invite Peeta for dinner though. My question is answered though when she comes by one evening with a vicious scratch on her arm that is still bleeding.
"Sae! What happened?" I blurt out, wondering what could have happened to this woman between Peeta's house and mine.
"It's nothing to worry about, just a little scratch," she replies. "Just a little scratch? Let me look at it, it might need stitches." I check and luckily it isn't quite as deep as I thought. She didn't need stitches but she definitely needs it bandaged. As I come back from the bathroom with the bandages and an ointment to keep it from getting infected I hear Peeta enter through the kitchen door.
"Sae, I'm so sorry!" he cries, with a mixture of hurt and guilt in his voice. "I never meant to do anything to you!"
"It's okay, boy," she says as I'm entering the room. Peeta looks at me with his eyes large and purses his lips together.
"I really didn't mean to. I don't remember anything and then I snapped back into it and Sae was in a corner, crouched behind a chair with a cut on her arm… And I had a knife." He began to sob a little and then ran out of the house, towards Haymitch's.
"What happened, Sae?" I insist sharply.
"The boy. He gets flashbacks every so often. They tend to happen in the evening. Most of the times it happens when he's upstairs and he can contain himself before coming down for dinner. But tonight it happened while he was eating. He thought I was working for you and trying to poison him," she said with a gloomy look on her face.
My heart dropped. That's why he never came over for dinner. While I was bandaging her arm I couldn't help but ask, "Sae, how often does it happen?"
"Well, not as often as when he first got home. Maybe once or twice a week. But this week they've been more common and pretty bad." And with that I suggested she go home. I could find something in the house to eat for dinner. Besides, I didn't really have an appetite anymore. But to appease her I grabbed one of the muffins Peeta had left that morning and gave her a big cheesy grin before she nodded and I walked her out.
As I saw her walk down the road I couldn't eat. I just kept imagining what had happened earlier and my stomach got queasier and queasier until I had to lean over the side of the porch and purge anything that was in my stomach. As I was leaning over the railing I looked up towards Haymitch's house. The lights were on and you could tell there was movement in the kitchen. I strained as I tried to hear their conversation without much luck. Then I heard a loud yell come from an open window.