As I sprinted across the grassy area to Haymitch's house I slowed down as I got to the kitchen door. I stopped to see what was going on.
"Please, just kill me, Haymitch" Peeta pleaded.
"Kid, I'm not going to do it! You've made progress, believe it or not! You have too much to live for! If I can last these 27 years with what I went through, you can too!" Haymitch insists.
And with that I hear thump, then a sigh, and something fall to the floor. I throw open the door to see Haymitch with an empty bottle looking at Peeta, in a heap, on the ground.
"Haymitch! What did you do?" I yelled.
"I just knocked him out for a little while. I wouldn't KILL the boy. But he had it coming. Too damn melodramatic. Besides, Sae's my aunt," he said in a defensive manner.
I couldn't help but glare at him as I knelt down by Peeta, taking his head and putting it in my lap. I brushed his hair with my hands and looked down at him while humming one of the songs my father used to hum to me when I couldn't sleep. His eyes slowly opened and he had a look of fear slowly spread across his face.
"Katniss. I'm so so—"
"You didn't do anything to me. It's okay, Peeta."
"But Sae-"
"She's okay. It was a cut but it will be okay."
With that he got a very sad look on his face and his eyebrows came together as he seemed to be thinking very hard.
"I don't know why it happens. I thought I was okay. I don't want to hurt anyone," he says, his voice very soft and sad.
"Peeta, I haven't even seen you have an episode since you've gotten back. I didn't even know you were having them until tonight. You are getting better."
"Yeah kid," Haymitch interrupts "You've been doing better. But you've GOT to figure out what makes you flip. We can work with it if we know how, but you've got to let us know. I can only do so much," he says with a bit of sarcasm in his voice that makes Peeta and I chuckle a little. For a drunk, Haymitch can at least be a funny drunk when he wants to be.
We walk Peeta back to his house and let him get himself to bed. As Haymitch walks me to my house I have to ask him, "Haymitch, have you known about the flashbacks?" "Yes." "Then why haven't you told me?"
"Katniss," he starts, "it's not as easy as that. The boy doesn't want to get too close to you because he doesn't want to have an episode around you. Breakfast with you is fine. He's got more energy and has enough sleep in him to not have them. But as the day wears on and he loses energy and gets tired, he has less ability to suppress the flashbacks. He doesn't want to be near you when he has them. But the problem is that now it's affecting other people too."
I stand there thinking about it. I hear him scream at night just like I'm sure he hears me. The nightmares don't go away, this is true. But something just isn't clicking. Why do they come at night? Why did he lash out at Sae? I say goodnight to Haymitch and slowly walk upstairs thinking about other things Haymitch and Peeta may not have told me. I sleep but it's not a restful one. Peeta is choking me and I'm crying that I love him as he continues to choke the life out of me. I wake to Buttercup looking into my face.
The next morning neither of them comes for breakfast. So I grab one of the muffins Peeta left, gather my jacket and bag, and head out to the woods.
The air is cool and sweet. As I get to the fence I see that they're replacing it and putting in an entrance so that predatory animals stay out but people can enter more easily if they choose. I like to think my past habits have played a role in this but I suppose there may be others who enjoy hunting like I do. Thom stops to make small talk but my mind is wandering and I zone out a few times thinking of what I'll be able to get this time. After smiling and saying "See you later" I head through the fence and into the forest. I see a few rabbits and shoot each of them cleanly in the eye and put them in my bag. I know Greasy Sae will appreciate these. I feel like I owe her for what she's done for me so far, especially with everything that happened last night. Next I find a few squirrels and get them as well. Who knows, maybe Peeta will feel up to it? Lord knows Haymitch won't be too interested since he mainly survives on an all-liquid diet.
As I leave the woods I'm thinking about how to approach Peeta when I miss a step and fall, banging my knee pretty hard into a rock. My pants get a big hole in the knee and I see that a good amount of skin has come off as well. As I kneel there cursing and trying to figure out how to stop the blood, Thom jogs up to help me home.
As we walk towards Victor's Village I notice Peeta coming from Haymitch's house in frustration and heading towards mine. He sees me and stops, running to Thom and me. He offers to take over and let Thom get back to what he was doing. As I put my arm over his shoulder I begin hobbling towards the house, cursing slightly under my breath after each step. It really hurts! Peeta is trying not to laugh but it's obvious he is. When we get inside he helps me sit on the kitchen table and pulls up a chair to get a better look at my knee.
"It's just a scratch. Nothing to worry about," I insist.
"Yeah, but it looks like you have some stuff in there still. You need to change so we can wash it out."
Begrudgingly he helps me climb the stairs and leaves me at my bedroom door. There's an awkward moment and he says, "I'll just be right here if you want help going downstairs."
I change as quickly as I can into a pair of shorts and open the door. He's sitting on the top step playing with something small in his hands and turns around as he sees me. A slight smile spreads across his face as he gets up and puts his arm around my waist to help me downstairs. I stop him and say, "I'd rather just wash it out up here in my bathroom. Is that okay?"
He nods and continues to help me towards the bathroom, finally helping me sit on the side of the tub. As he turns the water on and tests the temperature I notice the scars on his body. He was burned as badly as I was. But you couldn't tell. He always wore a pair of slacks with a long sleeved button up shirt. Most of the time he had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, but that was really all he showed other than the few marks on his face. But as I looked at him I noticed the scars on the back of his neck and near his ears, close to his hair. I started to feel something that I couldn't quite identify and wanted to touch the scars. But I didn't. As he turned around he had a big smile on his face as he said, "Okay, so let's see… How are we going to do this? Do you have any wash cloths I can use?" I indicated where they would be in the closet and he quickly got up to get them and knelt back down where he was, dipping the rag under the warm water, wringing most of the water out and then gently dabbing at my knee. He was incredibly gentle and tender but my knee still hurt wildly. As I sat there gritting my teeth he paused to look at me and say, "Come on, Girl on Fire can take everything else but can't take this? What happened?" I splashed some water on him and couldn't help myself smile a little as he smiled back.
"Why were you coming to my house anyway?" I asked.
"I needed to talk with you about last night. Katniss, I feel terrible about what happened with Sae. She's been nothing but kind to me since I've come back. She doesn't deserve what happened."
"Peeta, you didn't know what you were doing. You were having one of your…flashbacks."
Peeta looked down glumly and rinsed out the rag since my knee was clean. "Katniss, I hate them. I don't like what I've turned into. I'm afraid of doing something. Especially of doing something to you." He looks up at me and his cheeks were red. I couldn't tell if it was from frustration or embarrassment.
"Peeta, I can defend myself. I want to help you get better though. I just don't know how to. What has Dr. Aurelius said?" I say in desperation.
"He just said I need to rebuild my memories. He tried to help, but there are so many memories- simple ones from home even—that I can't remember. And it frustrates me to no end. I know we pretended with some things during the Games, Katniss, but I don't remember what. I know I loved you Katniss, but I don't remember if that was real or not real."
It was then that I felt crushed. I hadn't felt like this in a while. Does he love me now? I know I care more about him more than anyone else right now, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to say I love him like that yet. Those feelings were still evolving and I just wasn't certain. I tried to brush past that but it was difficult. I just hurt on the inside.
"Katniss, did I love you? Did you love me?" There was urgency in his voice as he gripped my hand tightly and I didn't know what to say.
"Peeta, I-" my voice trailed off since I was at a loss for words.
"Katniss, I need to know. It doesn't matter if you do still. Did you love me then?"
I hung my head, trying not to cry from the pain in my knee and the pain in my heart. "Yes. Real. I loved you. And you loved me. But you loved me long before I knew how I felt about you."
"Thank you. That's all I need right now," he said as he let go of my hand and pushed himself to a standing position.
As he began to leave I asked for some help bandaging my knee and getting downstairs to which he willingly obliged. After he sat me down on the couch he sat next to me and softly said, "Katniss, sometimes I can't remember what my brothers looked like."
At that point a pain shoots right to my gut. I don't have that problem. I remember Prim. I remember her face exactly. Every freckle, her dimples, and the way her hair fell in her face. I remember what she looked like. But Peeta. I feel terrible for him.
"Peeta," I say, reaching out for his hand, "What if we could have a constant reminder of how they looked? What if I could help you build those memories again? Would that help?"
"I suppose. But how? Do you remember them?"
I got up and, resisting Peeta's request to help, headed to the study. I hadn't entered it since that morning when I went in to find Snow's rose and burn it. I found the plant book Prim and I had made and brought it back out. As I was walking to the couch I saw Peeta playing with the same small thing he had been playing with earlier before he noticed me and quickly shoved it back in his pocket. As I sat down I placed the book on his lap and opened it, "Does this look familiar at all?" I asked.
A quizzical look spread across his face until he saw a few pictures he drew and then his mouth dropped open a bit. "Yes. I drew those." A smile slowly spread across his face as he began to notice other drawings he had made.
"Peeta, I think we should make a book like this with memories of people we've known and loved. I'll write the stories down if you draw them. I'll even help describe them too in case you need me to. But Peeta, I need you to get better. I need you feel comfortable. I.." I suddenly felt very selfish and vulnerable for saying this much. But I needed to know if Peeta was still the same boy I feel in love with. I needed to know if he could be well enough to not harm others, me, and himself. But I couldn't ask that. Not yet. "I need you to know you are not alone."