Sorry I didn't post over the weekend. I'm a "no computer on the weekends" type of person, just as a heads up. Also, thanks for all of you who have added me to your favorite stories/ story alerts. I appreciate it and I REALLY appreciate all of the reviews. Thanks!
As the months go by, Peeta and I fall into a routine. He wakes up early to head to the bakery and I wake up 3 or 4 hours later to eat whatever he brought home from the bakery the night before. As he's at work I go hunting or stay home trying to brush up on my non-existent domestic skills. I've almost poisoned Haymitch three or four different times with some of the dishes I've made but he quickly downs a glass of his strongest alcohol and seems to be okay after that. I don't want to tell Peeta I'm experimenting out of fear that he would ask me to make something for him. Haymitch is one whiskey-fueled guinea pig, but Peeta is another.
After lunch if I'm not out hunting I help Haymitch around his house or with his geese. Before Peeta comes home we head over to my house and get everything clean so that Peeta doesn't have to do everything in addition to cooking after a day of work. On weekends we break from our routine and enjoy our free time. Peeta paints while I try to pick up a hobby. I'm still looking for a good one, but usually I just grow frustrated with it and throw whatever I'm making in the fire. He usually laughs and says I don't need a hobby since I'm busy taking care of him, but I think we both know that's not true.
Every night though is spent with Peeta. Each night we take our turn in the bathroom changing and then climb into bed together. When I wake up screaming, his half-asleep body jolts to alertness and he holds me, whispering in my ear that I'm okay and safe. On the few occasions that he's had a flashback, he's really progressed in restraining himself. As I talk him back from it, he grips onto the back of chairs or doorposts for dear life, waiting for the flashback to leave. I help the exhausted Peeta come back to bed and we lie, holding onto each other in silence until we both fall asleep. Other than this though, we don't really have a physical relationship. I realize that while we are both doing better, we both have a lot of healing to do. I don't want to press the romantic issue and complicate things so I leave it as us being friends and it works out for the most part. Except for when the town starts to talk.
I know Peeta's heard it in the bakery. People talk when you live in a small town. I guess the fact that we live together doesn't help, but the people don't understand and we didn't care enough to enlighten them. We suffered together and we survived together. It simply made sense that we would stay together since neither of us had any other family. We were each other's family; even more so when Haymitch was around. Three victors tormented by their pasts. But to the people of District 12 Peeta and I were still the star-crossed lovers.
In the early spring Peeta and I decided to start gardening. His reasoning behind it was that he wanted to grow the herbs used in his recipes, but I knew better when he aggressively started tilling the ground behind our house. You could see the emotion in his face as he dug deeply into the ground, using all of his muscles to clear the area. "Peeta, what's wrong?" I asked. "I'm fine, Katniss. Nothing to worry about." A few moments later I asked again, unconvinced, "Are you sure you're okay?" "He threw down the shovel and sat down.
"I'm okay. I'm just tired." "Are you sure, you look pretty energetic to me." "I'm tired of people talking. I'm tired of going through the motions. Katniss, I want my life to have some purpose," he said, with frustration in his voice. "I want to know that when my life's over, I've risen above what happened and left it better than it was before I came." I felt sorry for him and didn't know what to say in response. I didn't understand why he felt his contributions weren't enough. He was teaching people from the area how to bake and paint and they loved him! The times I would head down to the bakery to meet up with him the people loved him because you could tell he cared about them. How was he NOT making District 12 better than it had been?
He stood up and wiped the dirt from his hands and helped me stand up. As we stood we saw Haymitch running from his back door towards us. "Emergency! Emergency! We need to go over to Sae's!" He yelled as he approached us. Peeta and I started running to her house with Haymitch struggling to catch up. As we approached her house, a car was there that was marked as being from the clinic. Two gentlemen were carrying Sae's husband out as she followed with the little girl. As we walked up and saw a sobbing Sae she explained the details.
"I tried to wake him up this morning to give him his but he wouldn't come to. I heard his heart beating and he's still breathing, but he's not waking up," she said through sobs. I didn't know what to say but Peeta did, "What can we do? Do you need us to watch your granddaughter?" Sae's eyes lightened up at the idea and before saying anything Peeta picked up the confused girl. Sae got into the car with the men and they drove off.
At first we stood there standing, wondering what to do with a 6-year-old girl who lived in her own little world. "You're just going to come stay with us for a little while. Is that okay?" Peeta asked. Not realizing that anything serious had gone on she got a big smile and nodded in excitement. Peeta smiled and took her hand as they went around the house gathering the things she wanted to bring with her. The four of us headed back to my house and set up shop with the little girl. Not knowing if she would be with us for six hours or six days we left most of her things in the living room as we cleaned up and began making a lunch.
Haymitch sat there staring at the air while Peeta sprang into action and began to fix a meal for all of us. I tried to help Peeta, but he shooed me towards our new little guest, asking me to play with her until lunch was ready. I walked towards her and she smiled shyly. I didn't really know how to play with her. Even with Prim I didn't really know how to play. She would always tag along with my mother, watching her as a healer and then pretend to stitch up and heal her little dolls made from sticks. I never really played like that. I never really even played with other kids. I was always too busy playing in the dirt or running around the meadow to stop and play with other girls.
As I sat in confusion she stared at me, holding out a stuffed animal. I took it and tried to play along, but it was incredibly uncomfortable. Luckily, before she became frustrated with my lack of creativity Peeta crouched beside me pretending to be a lion which made the little girl perk up. He took her hand and led her towards the table. Lunch was ready.
We ate in silence. Haymitch was staring off as he tried to put a few forkfuls into his mouth. Every once in a while he would come to and clear his thought, but he simply stared at the table or off in another direction. Peeta and the little girl would exchanges big smiles every now and then as they ate, and I simply observed our strange little group. When we finished I swapped spots with Peeta and cleaned dishes while he played with the little girl.
"Haymitch," I said, as I sat down next to him, drying my hands on my pant legs, "Haymitch, are you okay?" He came out of his stupor and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just. Surprised. That's all. I didn't even realize he was sick. And he was my uncle." I felt bad for him. It wasn't until last year that I knew Sae was his aunt. Haymitch never tried to be close to her. I doubt he really talked with her in the years prior to the rebellion because I didn't know of him other than when he would make his appearances at the reaping. But Haymitch did have some remaining family after Snow had those closest to him killed. "I just shut them off," he continued. "Why would I do that? I don't even know this girl's name," he sighed. "Sadie," Peeta answered, still playing with the little girl, giving her a big smile as he said her name. "Her name is Sadie." Come to think of it, I didn't know her name either.
Peeta brought her to the table and sat down, placing her on his lap. "Sadie, this is Uncle Haymitch." He said, pointing towards Haymitch. She smiled and laughed as Haymitch tried to muster up a half-hearted smile. He excused himself and went back home.
It hit me at how sad it was that Haymitch didn't know his family. But then I realized I didn't know my mother's family either. They never wanted to see us growing up and now they were all dead. "Peeta, did you have family here?" "You mean my parents and brothers?" "No, like aunts and uncles." "I guess. We just never really spoke with them. My mother wouldn't let them come visit." I felt the need to keep my makeshift family together become even stronger. As we sat there I walked out the kitchen's backdoor to our garden that we had left earlier this morning.
Peeta and the little girl, Sadie, followed me and we silently continued our work while Sadie ran around, playing with her few toys. We finished planting the seeds when the sun started to set and all sat there on the grass, drinking water and watching the beautiful colors change across the sky.
As we went inside Peeta began to fix dinner and asked me to give the little girl a bath. I was honestly so lost once she was in the bathtub that I just let her play in the water while I sat on the toilet, making sure she didn't drown. How anyone could think I could take care of a child is beyond me. I made sure Prim didn't starve when our father died and our mother retreated, but she was always so mature for her age that she didn't really need me to take care of her basic hygiene. As I dried her off and put new clothes on her she smiled at me. I smiled back and held her hand as we walked back to the kitchen.
We walked in and Peeta had set a table with three plates piled with cheesy noodles and bread. Sadie's eyes got big and she smiled as she ran up to Peeta to hug his legs. "Thank you, thank you!" she said "This is my favorite!" We sat and ate with a happier but still silent atmosphere. When Peeta got up to help me clean the dishes I nodded towards Sadie who was trying to read one of the books that had been left out and he went to sit by her. As I finished the dishes I turned to see them leaning against each other, asleep and, at least in Peeta's case, snoring. The phone rang and before I could get to it Peeta woke up, making the little girl's head drop to the other side, as she was fast asleep.
It was Sae. Her husband was in a coma and they were being sent to District 13's larger hospital. She asked if we could watch Sadie for a few more days to which I agreed and then she hung up. Peeta asked for the recap and I repeated what Sae had said. He silently nodded and went to the little girl. Before picking her up he looked at me and asked, "Where should we put her? Just here on the couch?" "No, you'll wake her up when you leave in the morning tomorrow." As I went through the rooms in the house it was decided she would sleep in Prim's room.
As I led them down the hallway I could sense myself tensing up. I had entered Prim's room a few times to dust everything and keep it clean, as if everything had been a nightmare and she would be home soon. But I never imagined someone else sleeping there. As I paused outside the door I looked towards Peeta who grabbed my hand and whispered, "She doesn't have to. I can be quiet when I leave." "You're never quiet when you walk, Peeta," I smiled. He nodded in agreement and I slowly opened the door. I stood opening the door as he put her under the sheets and gave her the toy she had been carrying. He smoothed her hair out of her face and walked out the door behind me. He turned off the lights downstairs and followed me upstairs to our room.
As we laid there trying to fall asleep I thought about what Peeta had said earlier that day about leaving the place better than he had found it. How could he think those things? All he has been is kind. When he had flashbacks it wasn't him and even then, he was learning to control them. Whenever he did have kids he would raise them to be such wonderful people that it would be inevitable for them to be amazing adults. And then a pit rose in my stomach. If Peeta had kids, it wouldn't be with me. I still didn't want them. Besides, even if I did, my own issues would negate any of Peeta's good traits. I turned my back to him and fell asleep.
I had multiple nightmares that night. About Prim. About being set on fire. About Peeta married to someone else. Each time I woke up though he put his arms around me and pulled me in closer to him, reassuring me that I was okay and that he was there with me.