Not much was said the next day. I woke up when Peeta woke up and went downstairs to sleep on the couch until Sadie woke up. I decided not to say anything to her, partly because I didn't know what to say and also because I didn't know if she would understand anyway. Haymitch came over later that morning and to my surprise was sober. I didn't know how to break the news to him, but did anyway, as quietly and discreetly as I could. The excitement he had for the day was cut short and he slumped onto a kitchen chair.
As he sat there I pulled out my family's plant book and began showing it to Sadie. She seemed fascinated by the different drawings and so I asked if she would like to go find the plants with me. She excitedly nodded her head in agreement and I couldn't help but smile because of her enthusiasm. We changed and I grabbed a bag to put our finds in. As we got ready to leave I pulled Haymitch up by the arm and dragged him along with us.
We walked silently. Well, Haymitch and I did. He dragged his feet while I led the way. Sadie was singing and skipping behind us. For a moment I wished I was in her shoes and could be completely unfazed by the death of a loved one. While I knew we hadn't directly told her yet, she was young enough and in her own world enough that I don't think it would have meant anything to her if we had. At least it wouldn't mean anything to her like it meant for me now knowing so many of the people I loved were gone forever.
We headed to the meadow and began picking flowers. Haymitch sat down and took out a flask he had stuffed in his vest and laid down. As Sadie brings me flowers I show her what they are in the book and point out our next one to search out. And for once with this child I start to feel comfortable with her. While I still know I wouldn't trust myself taking care of her for a long term basis, I'm not afraid that she's not safe with me while Peeta's at work. After a few hours we head back to the house with a stuffed bag. Haymitch fell asleep so I kicked his foot and helped him get up.
As we walked inside There was a distinct smell of bread baking. "Peeta?" I called out. He walked in from the backdoor and gave slight smile as Sae walked in behind him. As she saw her granddaughter the little girl ran to her and gave her hugs and kisses while the grandmother squeezed her special granddaughter tight for the better part of five minutes. As we stood there watching this heartbreaking scene Peeta scooted closer to Haymitch and I until Haymitch walked up quietly to his aunt and put a hand on her shoulder. In all of my days I never imagined Haymitch compassionate like this but it seemed like something had changed in him.
They all moved to the table, the little girl confused by the sadness around her. Peeta knelt by some of her toys and invited her to play with him. As she jumped off of her grandmother's lap and headed to Peeta I pulled out a chair and sat opposite Sae and Haymitch. "So when is the funeral?" I asked. "Sae wiped her nose and dried her eyes and said, "Tomorrow. In the afternoon. They're getting him ready before that." We sat there in silence again for a few moments listening to Peeta make animal noises with Sadie until I spoke again. "What will you do until then?" She shrugged and began crying again. "Sae," Peeta perked up, "you can stay with us so you aren't alone." "No," she sighed, "I don't want to impose on you more. I'll take Sadie home so she's not a worry." "She was never a problem," Haymitch said. Sae sighed and smiled patting his hand. "She can stay here another night if you need to do anything," I said. Sae's eyes widened at the offer and a small hint of happiness spread across her face. "Could she?" "Of course Sae," Peeta answered. "Leave her with us. We can take care of her until the funeral and bring her there. Go stay with him."
I had heard of that before; widows sleeping in the buildings where their dead husbands spent their last night above ground. The entire idea seemed weird to me. Why would anyone want to sleep in the same room as a dead body? I never knew anyone to do it. There was never a body for my mother to weep over; only a mass funeral and the ceremony in the justice building.
As Peeta walked Sae to the door the little girl clung to her grandmother's skirts until the woman bent down to tell her she would spend another night with us and then come stay with her again tomorrow. The little girl turned around to Peeta who held out an arm for her to hold onto and they said their goodbyes. As they turned around to face us Haymitch began, "So it's just like that." "Like what?" Peeta asked, indicating for Sadie to go play with her toys while he walked towards us and sat down.
"The poor woman's on her own now. Her kids won't even come back for the funeral." Peeta nodded in acknowledgement. Why wouldn't her own kids come? But then I thought about it and realized how much of a time restraint it was. "Besides, they were never close to her. Despite her goodness those kids turned out to be worthless," Haymitch continued. Peeta shushed Haymitch for fear that Sadie might register what he was saying. She didn't, as she was oblivious to our conversation, so we continued talking.
"What are you doing home early anyway?" I asked Peeta. "I asked around for when Sae would be getting in and met her at the station before bringing her here to see Sadie," he said. "Besides, Daigle was a quick learner this morning and things were slow. I thought I'd come home." I had to jog my memory before realizing that Daigle was the Aimes boy Peeta began training today.
He got up to begin dinner and I decided to try and help him. My cutting skills weren't bad anyway, just my cooking skills. As we stood there Haymitch sat there staring at the little girl and smiling back as she smiled at him. We made a small meal since none of us besides Sadie had much of an appetite. After dinner we cleaned up while Haymitch sat on the ground playing with Sadie. For the first time that I could remember, Haymitch willingly amused a child for more than a minute. Afterwards we were all emotionally drained so we turned on the TV to zone out, hoping it would make Sadie tired enough to go to sleep. It didn't. So after I gave her a bath, Peeta took her to the room and read to her until she fell asleep. He came out and gave a slight smile to Haymitch and me as we all just sat there. Wondering what to do.
"I'm going to keep the bakery closed tomorrow," he said, "so I'm going to call Daigle and let him know so he can put a sign up. Haymitch, do you know of anyone else who can be bearers?" Haymitch shrugged and couldn't think of anyone. "Well, I guess while I'm on the phone with him I'll ask Daigle and I guess give Thom a call." As we settled on plans we began yawning and our eyelids began to droop. As we stood up to head to bed Haymitch stopped us, "Do you mind if I stay here?" before he began further explaining why he wanted to stay Peeta patted him on the shoulder and asked where he wanted to sleep. "Here on the couch is fine. That way in case Sadie wakes up there's someone down here." We both smiled and went to the other bedroom upstairs to grab a blanket and pillow. Peeta brought it downstairs to Haymitch and made his phone calls while I got ready for bed. By the time Peeta got in the bed I was almost asleep until his movement woke me up. "Sorry!" he said as he rubbed my back and told me to go back to sleep.
The next day was grey. I dressed Sadie the in the only dress she had and Haymitch, who hadn't drunk any alcohol since the afternoon before, read a book to her as we waited for Peeta to come downstairs. I let him sleep in since doing so was typically a luxury to him. It was quite the scene to see Haymitch dressed in a dark suit but even more so to see Peeta in a nice black suit Portia had tailored to fit his Pre-Quell body. After almost two years it fit him perfectly. He straightened his tie and let a faint smile cross his lips as he walked downstairs and we all silently filed out of the house.
As we walked across town towards Sae's house Haymitch held the little girl's hand as Peeta and I walked a few steps behind. Although it was spring it was a little cool that day so we both had our hands shoved into the pockets of our coats. "I'm thinking of giving my house to Sae," Peeta said as we approached the town. I was a bit surprised and I think he noticed it before I had to say anything. "Her house has too many memories for her and mine is just sitting there empty." I realized how much this would mean to Haymitch who had begun to care about his family even if he hadn't before. I nodded and told him my thoughts on the matter and asked if he had told Sae.
"No, not yet. I was thinking after the funeral. I don't want to throw too much on her right now." Thinking of all the woman had been through in the last few months I thought that this would be a welcome surprise.
We visited Sae in her home and talked with the people from town. It was mostly just people who were originally from District 12, but there were a few faces I didn't recognize. After the talk died down a man approached the coffin and Sae followed him. She bent down to give him one last kiss and squeeze his hand before the coffin was sealed shut. Peeta, Haymitch, Thom and Daigle quietly picked up the coffin and led the procession out the door and down the road toward the cemetery. It was a bit of a walk, at least a quarter of a mile, but finally we made it to the spot where they were going to lay Jem. The bearers walked back to stand among the group and a woman began to sing. Here in district 12 not many words are spoken of at a funeral. The spouse might say some words, but what we mainly do is sing. Some of the songs we sing are about dying, but mostly ones about going to sleep, as if we were singing a lullaby to the deceased.
After a few songs Sae got up to speak. She shared a few stories about her life with Jem and how they had met as children in grade school. Peeta took his hand out of his pocket at her mention of this and reached for my hand. As she continued sharing stories of their life together he continued squeezing my hand and looking at me, a few tears streaming down his face. I couldn't help but feel the inside of me beginning to burn. As she finished her words Peeta let go of my hand as he and the other bearers moved forward to lower the coffin into the ground.
After the funeral we all slowly made our way to Sae to give her our condolences as she stood there with her granddaughter and Haymitch. They stood there silently and solidly like a force to be reckoned with. What a sorry lot they were. We stayed behind to speak to them but Haymitch shook his head no. "I think she just wants some time to herself. You two head on home. We'll be there soon." We nodded and headed back out towards the road. I was touched my Haymitch's ability to step up and help his family.
As we silently walked down the road past Sae's house and then towards the town Peeta snapped his fingers and said, "Wait here one moment. We're out of some things at home and I want to get them from the bakery." As I stood there watching him run towards the bakery I thought back to the funeral and standing there holding his hands. They were calloused and despite the weather today, they were warm and soft. As I stood there thinking it began to ran so I ran towards the bakery for shelter.
As the rain grew heavier and heavier I stood near the door under the protection of an overhang. I hoped Sae, Sadie and Haymitch weren't getting too wet, but considering the somber mood of the day, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't notice the rain at first. As I stood there Peeta opened the door and invited me in outside of the rain. I quickly went inside and Peeta put the items on the counter as he ran upstairs to grab a towel.
"Here," he said, wrapping a towel around me and rubbing my arms and back to get the water off. "I knew I should have brought and umbrella," he laughed as I stood there shivering in the empty bakery. As he finished drying me off he wrapped the towel around me and pulled me in tightly for a hug. I stood there laughing at him as he quickly realized he would get soaked too. As we both stopped shivering and the rain abated a little he stood there, holding each other tightly.
"I want something like that," he said. "What, to be drenched in a dress? It's really quite overrated," I responded. "No, what Sae had with Jem. A simple love. Where you can give and give and give and never ask for anything back because you feel so lucky to have it in the first place. I don't want to feel like someone owes me or that we're on unequal playing fields," he says as he continues to squeeze me tighter. I smiled but in my heart I knew he wasn't talking about me. All he does is give and I have definitely not paid him back. And we most certainly are not in the same playing field. Peeta is heads and shoulders above me. But I want that too. I want the same love he's talking about. I stand there silently contemplating my future without Peeta and before I can start crying he interrupts me.
"Well say something, Katniss," he says with desperation in his voice. I'm jolted by the idea he might be meaning he wants something with me and I look up at him. "I want that too!" I say, meeting his eyes. As a smile spreads across his face I realize he was talking about me. The rush of joy overcomes me and I begin repeating myself. "I do. I want that!" as we begin laughing at the realization that we could exist as more than just friends the room seems to lighten up and we stand there staring at each other and smiling as he leans down, takes my face in his hands and kisses me.