Damon and I have had a thousand conversations, about everything about nothing. This is the first one I ever felt the need to rehearse in my head. Being around him always felt so right, so natural, but coming back to a time where we were barely even friends feels so strange. After Stefan left, I relied on him, he was my rock, but this Damon won't remember any of that. He won't remember any of it. I have to keep repeating this in my head over and over again. But all the reasons and logic don't mean anything, when I get my first glimpse of his eyes in the hospital hallway. I drag him into an empty exam room without a word. I try to start the speech I had practiced in my head, but my words come out as muffled sobs. I don't even know if I am crying out of joy or sorrow, but within moments I feel Damon's arms encircle me. The sobs die down, I feel safe again, and I look up at him with a tiny smile.
And of course, Damon never misses a chance to ruin a perfectly good moment, he jokingly teases me "Come on, kissing me couldn't have been that bad could it?"
My laughter signals to him that whatever drama was on my mind has now passed. "I've missed that you know," I whisper.
"Missed what," he questions clearly confused?
"Your ability to make me laugh even when it seems like the entire world is falling apart," I admit freely.
"How could you even have time enough to miss me? I just saw you not even an hour ago."
My face falls a little, and he can immediately sense something is wrong. He is now covered in worry and fear. He thinks that I'm about to tell him that I regret the kiss on the porch. He doesn't even know it wasn't me. "About that. I need to tell you something," I whisper, suddenly strangely, nervous. "Katherine's back and she was the one who kissed you earlier tonight," I quickly confess hoping that blunt and swift is the best way to deliver this news.
"Then how did you even know about it," he questions quietly?
The hard questions have already started. I know I can't tell him everything. It would be too much too fast. Despite my fears, I know he is waiting for an answer, so I reply timidly, "because you told me about it a long time ago. Damon this may be difficult to hear in light of everything, but I'm from the future. I came back to change the course of events over the next year. As far as I know, my current self doesn't even know that I'm here. Unless of course, John regained his composure enough to tell her or I or me the whole story. I really don't know which pronoun to use in this instance."
After a long pause, Damon does something that I don't expect. He starts laughing. "That has got to be the lamest excuse that I have ever heard." He pauses for a moment, and his tone abruptly becomes serious, "if you regret kissing me, tell me that, but don't make up some lame excuse just to spare my …"
He doesn't even get to finish his thought before my lips are crashing into his. His lips mold with mine as a tiny whimper leaves my mouth. I can feel his right hand cradling my face as his other hand attempts to pull me closer. This feels better than any of our other kisses. This feels like coming home again. When I finally feel the need for oxygen, we break apart. Breathless and happy, I tell him, "I would never regret kissing you. I am telling you the truth, and I am from the future." I hear voices outside the room that I recognize. My past self is talking to Bonnie. "Peak your head out and see for yourself if you don't believe me," I tell him. His vampire hearing makes that unnecessary. He can hear everything my past self is telling Bonnie including the crazy little story of how John saw Katherine and some version of me saying that I was from the future.
"Ok, I believe you ," he sighed. "What does this even mean? What are you here to change? What are we to each other? What about my brother?" He keeps coming at me with a million questions a minute. I don't even know which one to respond to first.
"Stop, slow down, and breathe. I know you have questions, but please one at a time. First off, there are things that I can't tell you. I'm afraid that if I reveal too much at once that I could alter the future in ways that could be worse. Secondly, I wish that I could give you easy reassurances about you, me, or our future, but the truth is even if I decide right here and now to be with you forever, it won't change what past or current me thinks about you. I have to change her life in order to change our future, but I promise you that I will try. Before, I came here we weren't together. I was so scared of what it would be like to let myself fall for you that it kept me from truly living. My biggest regret is not being able to make things right before it was too late. I won't make that mistake again." I finally finished the slightly altered version of the speech that I had been carrying around in my head, and I felt a weight be lifted off my shoulders.
"When you said that it was too late to make things . . ."
"I don't want to talk about it. It's in the past or the future. A future that none of us will ever have to see again," I am practically yelling now. After I stop my little rant, I suddenly feel so guilty. I tried so hard to get back to him, and I pick a fight in the first ten minutes. Talk about learning from my mistakes. "Look, I'm sorry. I am just tired and stressed out. I shouldn't be taking this out on you. Forgive me?"
"Always," he whispers.
"Lets just table the us conversation for another day. Why don't we go save the day then we'll deal with relationship drama."
"Deal," he agrees.
"Good and we should probably keep this conversation just between us. Past me is not going to understand any of this, and I really don't want to watch my own head explode."
"So we act like nothing's different between us?"
"Exactly, for now." He silently nodded, but I could see the tiniest hint of sadness in his eyes. I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I was drawn into another hug with Damon. It seemed like habit now. Damon was sad, and I needed to hug him. It was our thing. The hug ended too quickly, but before I could leave the exam room, I asked the question that had been bugging me for too long. "Were you disappointed?"
"Disappointed about what?"
"When you found out that it was Katherine and not me who kissed you, were you disappointed?" I could hear my heart beating in my chest. If he said yes, it meant he was over Katherine for good. If he said no, well I didn't want to consider that possibility.
"Yes and no. I was disappointed when I thought that you didn't feel the same way about me, but Elena, I loved her for 145 years. That doesn't just go away when I start feeling something for you. I'm sorry."
I could tell that he meant it, but that didn't make my heart hurt any less. Damon cared about me in this time, but he didn't love me yet. How could he? We had barely started being friends. This was the beginning of our love story, and I was still living in the middle. I knew now how Damon felt all those times I rejected him. Telling someone you care about them, when you love someone else, isn't really as comforting as she had once thought. There was only one thing left to do. On top of everything else, she had to make Damon fall in love with her again. We walked out of the exam room in silence to face Bonnie and my past self. After the emotional roller coast of my conversation with Damon, I didn't think I could face another battle.