I woke up the morning of my birthday with a terrible headache. Peeta let me sleep in and said that he would be back up when breakfast was ready. However, once he closed the door I couldn't fall asleep again. I was thinking about the day and thinking about the people I missed who wouldn't be there. I thought of Prim and how I had ultimately failed in protecting her and my stomach sank. I thought of Finnick who was eaten alive by the vicious mutts of the Capitol and how his son would never know his father and my stomach began to turn in knots. I thought of Cinna who was beaten senseless before my eyes and I began crying. As I continued thinking of the people I had failed my body turned against me and I leapt out of my bed and to the bathroom. I crouched over the toilet and emptied everything that was in me. As I sat down wiping my mouth, I rested my head on the covered seat and wept.
Depression came suddenly for me and often unannounced. It had happened a few times since I had been home. Often it simply involved me lying in bed for several hours while Peeta held me. Once it involved me sitting in Prim's closet while I clutched onto some of her remaining clothes, sobbing for her until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen. After, I would often wonder if Dr. Aurelius's diagnosis of me as a lunatic wasn't too far off. As much as I tried to forget, I knew, in my mind, that I was the one responsible for the lives lost. If I hadn't been so headstrong and obvious in my disdain for the Capitol, would this have happened? If I had just let one of the Careers kill me in the arena, none of this would be an issue. I sat there crying and playing out what would have happened if I had just let the Careers kill me. Today was worse than other times since I'd been home. As I sat there wishing I could recant the past, I heard a soft knock on the door.
"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta asked. "Yeah, I just don't feel too well," I said, trying to quiet down on my crying. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Yes, Peeta, I'm fine. Please. Just leave me alone." I answered sharply. There was silence outside of the door and a few moments later I heard his heavy steps leave the bedroom. I felt bad for Peeta. I didn't want anyone to have to coddle me like a child and yet here I was, relying on him again to get me through life. Maybe not every day, but often enough. He deserved better than the broken mess that I was. I began crying again, pitying Peeta and his unfortunate love for me. I loved him as well, that is certain. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be together. As I sat there crying I heard a quick set of knocks again at the door.
"Katniss, it's me, Mom. Let me in." She sounded firm, but kind, in her request. I sat there debating opening the door or not. I had seen her in her catatonic state after my father died; it would only be fair if she saw me like this. But it wasn't the same. I didn't want her to see me weak like this. Before I could tell her to go away she opened the door. Holding a butter knife in one hand and the door knob in the other I couldn't help but give her a puzzled look. "I had to get in somehow," she said reluctantly with a faint smile. I laid my head down on the seat again and told her to leave; that I was okay. Her response was almost clinical, but appropriate as well.
"Up, up, up," she said, struggling to pull me up from my seated position. I reluctantly moved, sitting on the toilet this time as she knelt in front of me. "Katniss, this is no way to act right now." "But Mom, I wish I was dead. If I had died, Prim would still be here. You could be happier. Everyone could be happier." Her eyes turned darker as she cut me off, "Katniss, I wouldn't be any happier than I am today. Do I miss your sister? Every day. But wishing she was here doesn't make it any easier. I would give every day of the rest of my life to be with your father for one hour, but he's not coming back. And neither is anyone else. Trust me from my own experience. Living in the past and wishing will not make it better. It won't make it easier. It simply robs you of the life in front of you. " I hung my head and continued crying, as my mother put an arm around my shoulder and let me cry. In the years since my father passed away this is the most motherly she has ever been. While I know some of it was simply her professional way of treating people, I felt like some of the care behind her actions was for me. I guess that's something Prim got from her. She was able to be removed from the situation and yet caring. The thought of Prim made me cry harder and I sat there crying for a while.
After what felt like hours my tears began to dry up and my mother pulled my hair back and patted my back saying, "Now come on. It's your birthday. This is no way to spend it." I stood on shaky legs and faced myself in the mirror. I looked awful. But my mother coaxed me into getting out of my clothes and taking a shower. After she left the room I climbed into the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could stand. I stood there under the shower for a good hour, slowly washing my body and scrubbing my hair. The knots in my stomach were still there but the crying stopped. I simply felt numb as I usually did when I was going through my bouts of depression.
I turned off the water and stood there with a towel pressed against my face. The tears started again and I crouched down in the tub, crying over everything. Over Prim. Over wishing I was dead. Over Peeta. My mother opened the door and quietly let herself in. It had been a while since she had seen me, naked but I didn't care anymore. She gradually got me to stand up and dried me off. I stopped crying but didn't care to move much so she began to comb my hair. I slowly came out of my crying stupor and put my hand on hers. She squeezed it and I couldn't help but feel grateful that she was here for this instead of Peeta. She helped me get dressed and asked me what I wanted to wear for the day. By that time I was almost out of my emotional fog and I looked out the window. It was mid-afternoon to be sure. I indicated where my new dress was and she pulled it out of its bag. As she helped me into it, she smiled.
We sat down on the bed because I was exhausted by this point and I quickly came back to my regular mindset. My headache came back and I lay down on the bed with my wet hair. "You rest some more. I'm going to go help Peeta," she said as she excused herself from the room. By that point I doubt I had any tears left in me so I lay there with my knees pulled up to my chest, hugging Peeta's pillow, thinking about everyone. I eventually fell asleep. My dream was not much worse than being awake had been. No one attacked me, but I was faced with the dead bodies of those I loved. I couldn't react though. I simply cried, begging for their forgiveness. But they shook their heads solemnly, and I was stuck with the fact that I couldn't be forgiven. I awoke a few hours later when Peeta knocked on the door.
"Are you okay, Katniss?" I mumbled yes and he opened the door slightly, whispering through the crack, "Whenever you want to come down, come down. People will be here soon, but if you want I can tell them it's cancelled." "No, no, I'll be down in a little bit." I said, slowly waking up. I began to move my legs slowly and eventually pushed myself up to a seated position on the side of the bed. It was close to sunset and I stood up, slowly walking towards to bathroom. My hair had mostly dried so I loosely pulled it back, not feeling energetic enough to put it into a braid. I finished getting ready and headed downstairs.
When I arrived on the bottom floor I looked around as the kitchen was abuzz. My mother was fixing some items on a plate and carrying it outside while Sae was finishing something on the stove. Haymitch was carrying several bottle outside and Sadie was playing on the ground. None of them seemed to notice me and I stood there, thinking about what my mother had said. I slowly got a smile on my face and enjoyed the scene. Before long there was a quick set of knocks on the front door and before anyone else could I said I would get it.
I walked to the door and opened it; Gale and his family were there, his mother holding a covered plate with food. I stood there, still a little out of it, as they all came through the door hugging me and wishing me a happy birthday. I smiled back at each of them as they walked by until Gale came and picked me up, giving me a tight hug. As he held me there in the tight hug I suddenly came to and hugged him back tightly. I softly began crying again, but this time not because I was sad. I was still sad for the people who wouldn't be there, but I was crying because I was grateful for those who would be there. Gale set me down on the ground but continued hugging me, rubbing my back and I continued crying for a few moments. When I stopped he looked down at me and pulled my face up to meet his. There was some pain in his eyes, but he gave a soft smile and said, "Happy birthday, Catnip." I smiled half-heartedly and turned, once he did, to notice Peeta standing there.
I smiled at him and Peeta put his hand out to shake Gale's. There was some rigidity, but Peeta gave Gale a faint smile and welcomed him to the party. As Gale headed outside, following the rest of our group Peeta pulled me in for a tight hug. I cried a little more but was stopped as he began wiping away my tears. "It's okay," he said softly. He pulled away to get a look at me and said, "Well, I don't know who's getting a better birthday treat today; you or me! You look beautiful, Miss Everdeen." I smiled and gave a small laugh as I brushed my hand across my hair. Some of it had come out from the bun but I didn't care to fix it.
Peeta took my hand and led me outside. In the area we had fenced off for the garden and our backyard, Peeta had set up a few long tables along with some chairs. There was a white tablecloth as well as a few glasses with flowers and a string of lights, strung along the top of the fence. I smiled at the sight and squeezed Peeta's hand as he led me to the table where everyone was seated. As we ate most at the table were making jokes and laughing. Haymitch had snuck in a few bottles of alcohol and, while he was the major consumer, most of the others took a few sips of his strong drink. Peeta and I refrained though. I looked around as I ate slowly and noticed that for the most part everyone was enjoying themselves. The food was delicious, although I didn't have much of an appetite, and the company was pleasant. Gale ate silently, staring in my direction for the most part, and Peeta simply smiled and participated whenever a joke came his way, but he would stop every once in a while to reach over and squeeze my hand.
As the meal died down the jokes began to die down. "What about a cake?" Rory threw out. "Ah, yes, the cake!" Peeta said, smiling largely. He stood up and went inside. As we sat there Hazelle and my mother commented on how great the meal was and how good a job Peeta had done. Gale, after taking another large sip of his drink, let out a bitter laugh at their comment. I couldn't help but resent him being here at that moment. As Peeta came out again, he was carrying a small, tiered cake that was topped with candles. As he set it before me he began singing a birthday song traditional in District 12 and everyone else joined in. As they finished I blew out my candles and inspected the cake. Peeta had created another masterpiece. On it he had painted water lilies, katniss flowers, and other water plants. As he bent down to give me a kiss on the top of my head, I felt a certain peace spread over me that hadn't been there the rest of the day. I looked up at him and gave a genuine smile, mouthing my thanks for his creation.
Sae began cutting the cake and Sadie helped her hand out the slices. It had a citrus flavor to it that was delicious. Peeta winked as I looked at him and I couldn't help but blush a little. Like always, Peeta was there when I came out of my depressed stupor. He wasn't upset or exhausted by my emotional instability; he was there, silently waiting for me to resurface again. As people finished eating their cake Peeta stood up and cleared his throat. I suddenly remembered the impending engagement and my thoughts began to sound so loudly in my head that I wasn't paying attention to him. Eventually he stopped and as silence took over, I looked around to see everyone looking at me, smiling. I quickly noticed they all had a glass raised and were toasting me. I smiled and nodded as they finished their toast and Peeta sat down. Quickly the thoughts began to run through my head; he hadn't proposed! I thought he was going to! What was the little box from yesterday? Was today the day that broke the camel's back and he decided he didn't want me anymore?
As we sat there I tried not to let any of my thoughts show on my face. After a few hours Sadie had fallen asleep on Haymitch's lap and Sae excused them to go home. Posy had eaten more than her share of cake and was beginning to run circles around the yard and so Hazelle excused herself and Posy to head home. My mother and Rory began taking things inside while Vick and Gale began to take down the lights. Peeta began bringing chairs inside as I eventually moved and sat on a chair we normally left outside. As I sat there I zoned out a bit, thinking about Peeta's proposal. Was I even ready for it? As I sat there thinking I felt a slight nudge on my arm.
"Catnip, we're heading home," Gale said. I stood up and walked with him and his brothers to the front door. As his brothers began walking down the street Gale stayed behind. He gave me a hug that I returned and we stood there hugging for a moment. "Katniss," he sighed. "I wish I could have been the one to do this for you. Try as he might, he'll never deserve you. I just wish you would give me a chance." At this comment I pulled away. I had made my point clear to him before. It wasn't going to happen. "Well, sorry Gale," was all I said as I shot him my dirtiest look at stuck my hand out for him to shake. He looked a bit crestfallen, but I didn't want to lead him on.
As I walked inside I was greeted by Peeta and my mother who were laughing and finishing the dishes. I sat down on a chair near them and listened as Peeta told his same jokes and smiled as my mom enjoyed them for the first time. Eventually they finished and she came up and rested her hand on my shoulder. I rested my hand on hers and squeezed it as she bent down to kiss the top of my head. She excused herself to go to bed and Peeta pulled up a chair next to me. He scooted it as closely as it would go and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in towards him. I sat there silently as he rubbed my arm and began telling me all of the things he loved about me. "You're strong, you're resourceful, you have a good heart and you're an amazing kisser." He laughed as he continued the list, throwing in a few strange reasons to love a person. "Because I know how to skin a squirrel in less than five minutes?" I shot out, taken aback by one of his items. "Of course," he responded. "Could you imagine me trying to skin a squirrel? Much less in five minutes? We'd be lucky if we had any meat." I pushed him away but he pulled me back quickly. He looked down at me and took my chin in his hand, angling my face towards his as he kissed me softly on the lips. We stayed locked in this position until my mom came downstairs and cleared her throat. "Sorry," she began, "I just wanted to get a glass of water.
That night as we lay in bed Peeta pulled me in closely and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck, continuing his list of reasons why he loved me. I didn't have any nightmares that night. Just a simple, peaceful sleep.