When Peeta came in that evening I looked at his sullen face and quickly averted my eyes, staring at the ground so as not to make eye contact. I was embarrassed by my actions last night and this morning. He threw his keys on the table and kicked his shoes off as he took off his coat. I could tell he was looking at me, but I didn't want to look up. So I focused on the spot in the couch next to me. Walking past me towards the stairs he finally stopped, after patting the frame of the door leading up to the stairs.
"How was your day?" He asked briefly. I mumbled an almost silent answer, still embarrassed and looking down, and he sighed and began heading upstairs, apparently unable to hear me. I quickly thought of what Haymitch had said about Peeta leaving if he wasn't happy and I piped up quickly. "I'm sorry" was all I could get out. I tried to stand but sitting most of the day had taken its toll on me and it was a laborious task. Peeta trudged back downstairs. "What?" he questioned. "I said I'm sorry." "For what?" he asked. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or sincere but decided to err on the side of caution.
"I'm sorry I've been a jerk. I'm sorry I've been acting the way I have. I just…" He came and sat on the opposite end of the couch. "I'm afraid of going too fast." "What are you talking about? I thought we were taking it slowly enough when it came to… that." "I don't mean in regards to that," I said. "I just don't want to rush into anything. I don't want either of us to wake up twenty years from now and be miserable because we're stuck with someone and the rose-colored glasses have finally come off." "What are you talking about, Katniss? I'm sorry if I'm not what you want," he said defensively. This was not how I wanted this conversation to go. "But if you are unhappy now, then maybe I should leave to make you happier," he said dejectedly. "It's not that," I said, finally making eye contact with him. There was distinct pain there.
"I don't want you to be disappointed with me," I explained. His look changed and he scooted closer. "Why would I ever be disappointed in you? Sure we might disagree, but why would I be disappointed?" "Because I swear! Because I'm broken! I don't want to rob you of a happy life!" I said, suddenly becoming exasperated by this conversation. He gave me a confused look. "Because you swear? I swear too. Plus, this may come as a surprise, but we're both broken." He wasn't getting it "Peeta, I don't want kids! I never have and I probably never will! Even if you were to ever want to marry me, I wouldn't give you what you want most. I'd feel horrible if I robbed you of a happy life simply because I don't want kids. You deserve better than that!"
He scooted close to me and cupped his hand on my face. "You've already given me more than I could have hoped for, Katniss." I hung my head and began to cry. "But what about kids? You're one of those people who are meant to have children. I… I'm SO not. Besides, everything is so uncertain. Who knows what could happen? Just on the news tonight, they said…" Peeta cut me off and covered my mouth with a few fingers. He leaned in and whispered, "Katniss, if we never have kids, I'll still have a happy life. Don't you understand? You're all I need to have a happy life. Kids would just be a bonus." He smiled faintly and I slowly returned the smile before leaning in to kiss him. Eventually he scooped me up in his arms and carried me upstairs stopping every once in a while as I winced from my casted foot hitting the railing of the stairs. When we finally made it into our room he set me gently on the bed and lay beside me.
He began running his fingers through my hair as he spoke. "If you're worried we're going too fast, that's fine. I don't want to pressure you to go any faster in our relationship than you're ready for, okay? I guess in my mind I've been in love with you since I can remember," he smiled, " and I've been dreaming about an actual relationship with you for so long, I'm excited to speed things up and see it all unfold. Even if it has hit a few snags here and there," he said with a wink. "But," he continued, "I waited eleven years for you to finally kiss me; I can wait fifteen more if you want me to." We smiled and he pulled me in closer, my head finally settling on his chest as he rubbed my back and ran his fingers through my hair. Eventually I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning my shoe was off and Peeta was changed into regular pajamas. After briefly wondering what he was doing here so late in the day I realized it was the weekend and he would be home the entire day. I moved to snuggle closer into him, accidently hitting him with my cast, and he quickly woke up to look at me and finally settle back onto his pillow, pulling me in closer again as he closed his eyes and smiled. After a peck on the top of my head he quickly returned to sleep as I lay there thinking about my behavior from the previous few days and became embarrassed.
Sure Peeta and I had our occasional arguments, but they were usually quickly resolved as he would apologize for whatever caused the argument, even though it was typically my fault. Even when he was upset, he would go paint in the study for an hour or two and then quickly do his best to make amends whereas I would stew over things unnecessarily long, leaving him in silence for the better part of the day. But this was different than other times. When I brought up the fact that I didn't want children there was pain in his eyes even if he said it wasn't an issue. But I knew I couldn't bend on the issue. Things were still way too uncertain in Panem. I didn't want Snow's remaining followers to find us and hurt us, much less any children we would have. I couldn't risk it. I had already lost Prim and I didn't want to lose anyone else I had loved and cared so much for. I was conflicted to I scooted away from Peeta and clumsily got out of bed.
I made my way to the bathroom where I sat for a while, thinking about everything. Eventually I decided to take a bath and soak. The doctor had given me a cast that could withstand water so I set the water to the warmest setting I could and lowered myself into the water. As I rested in the warm bath I thought about Peeta. How could he be happy with me? He was more than I could have hoped for, so maybe I should just go along with it as long as I could. But how could he not see all the red flags saying he should quit me and find someone more deserving? The warm became cool and I drained it. As I slowly got out of the tub I heard Peeta knocking on the door, "Katniss, are you okay? Do you need any help?" "No, I'm okay. I'm getting out."
As I reached for my towel I quickly regretted my words as I tumbled to the ground, creating quite a bit of noise. "Katniss!" Peeta yelled from the other side of the door, "Are you okay? Let me in." "I'm fine, I just slipped and fell. Besides, I'm naked. It may be too much for your innocent eyes," I laughed as I gripped onto the counter and wall trying to stand. I eventually bent down for my towel and wrapped it around myself. I opened the door to see Peeta anxiously standing. "See?" I said with my arms out stretched, "I'm okay." "No you're not," he said as my pointed to my bleeding knee. "Let me clean that," he continued as he entered the bathroom to get another towel and bandages. I sat on the bed, wet and gripping the towel around me, as he knelt down and bandaged my knee. There was a definite look of concern in his face but he smiled up at me when he finished and got up to excuse himself. "I started breakfast downstairs, so get dressed and I'll see you down there, okay?"
As he left the room I did as he said and combed my tangled hair. I didn't bother braiding it though. Given the heat of the day I felt the wetness would help keep me cool. I cautiously made my way downstairs, although the noise created easily rivaled Peeta's normal amount. He smiled as I sat down in the chair and put a plate with eggs, toast and fruit in front of me. He sat beside me and asked what I wanted to do that day. As I shrugged, trying to think of what I could do in my limited state he jokingly threw out the idea of swimming to which I simply shook my head. It was decided that we would head out to the meadow. Peeta wanted to paint outside and I could use the air.
As he carried a backpack full of his art supplies and picnic items for us on his back, one arm carried his canvas and easel, the other held out for me to use. I hated using my crutches so he only made me use one if I held onto him with my other. As we found a clearing with shorter grass he spread out a blanket and helped me get situated before he unpacked his bag and set up his easel. The weather was perfect for hunting and I wished I could go hunting the woods, but I knew that was not a possibility. So I satisfied myself by eating some of the cookies Peeta had packed and watching as he began a beautiful painting of the meadow. It looked identical to the one we were sitting in except that there was also a quaint little home in the middle of it.
"What house is that?" I asked curiously when Peeta finally joined me on the blanket. "Oh, just one I imagined in this spot," he said nonchalantly. "I think it looks nice, don't you?" he continued. The idea of living somewhere other than Victor's Village had never occurred to me, but the idea made me feel happy for once that day. The thought of setting up a house that had no ties to the Games made me feel happy. Even though I had adjusted to my house in Victor's Village, it never felt like it was my home. Peeta living there made it easier, but it was never mine. I was constantly reminded that I had it because I had won the Hunger Games when I walked around town and saw others' much smaller but nice homes that had been rebuilt. Add that to the ghosts of Prim I felt when I was home alone and at times it was unbearable to live there. I was grateful I had it, but resented it. A new home would be perfect. I just didn't tell Peeta that.
"I think it looks very nice," I answered as I bit into another cookie.