Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I really do appreciate reading your thoughts and suggestions. In particular, someone suggested I make the conversations easier to read by breaking them up; sounds good to me. We'll see how it goes. Thanks again and please continue to send your reviews!
More than a month has passed since I broke my ankle. I've felt incredibly restricted most days while Peeta was at work but in the evenings he would make me get up and go for a walk with him around Victor's Village. My ankle feels better and while it still hurts to walk on I am ready for the doctor to take my cast off next week. Things have been a bit different between Peeta and me as well. Our relationship has become more friendly than romantic. We still kissed, but there was a bit more restrain on Peeta's part, as if he was wary of getting too involved. At first I minded, but I chalked it up to his apprehension with me. I didn't blame him. Now that he knew my thoughts on having children, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to stay. Especially given how unstable I had been this past month.
Even though he won't admit it, I know I've reverted a bit. Sitting in the house most of the day has taken its toll on me. I've become miserable with myself and my inability to do a lot of the things I enjoy. Some days I won't take a shower or bathe because I don't have the energy to. So I sit on the couch and stare out the window watching the world pass me by, wishing I could sleep and never wake up again. Some days I wish I could want children and make Peeta happy, but those thoughts tend to make me think of Prim and lead me to crying in her bed. Days and evenings spent with Peeta help lift my spirits, but I notice when he walks in the door on the days I've spent immobile on the couch or crying in Prim's bed that his mood drops a bit and he has to try extra hard to lift my spirits. He never asked what the problem was, he simply found me huddled on the couch or on Prim's bed, pulled me onto his lap and rubbed my back until I began to come back to reality.
Today had been spent in Prim's room. I wished she was here. She made sense of my stupid choices and was always more mature than I was. I wish she could talk some sense into me. But instead she had been burned to death trying to save some of the Capitol children. She was dead. She would never have any children. She wouldn't be able to pass on her nurturing instincts. And here I was, someone who didn't want children robbing a boy who did want them. How could I be so selfish? I felt the bed dip next to me as Peeta pulled me close to him and began rubbing my back.
"How's it going?" he asked softly.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay, you don't have to," he continued as he increased the pressure with which he rubbed my back. Eventually I rested my head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh.
"I'm sorry I'm like this," I said softly.
"It's okay. We're working on it. Soon you'll be able to get out of the house more and maybe that will help you feel less sad?" he suggested. I laughed at the idea. Sometimes I wondered if my depression was brought on by my injury or if I was slowly losing my mind. "Come on, let's get something to eat," he said as he slid me off his lap and stood, holding his hand out for me. I grabbed his hand and slowly followed him to the kitchen where I sat down at the table.
I stared at the table as I heard Peeta fix dinner. A few minutes later he set a plate before me. It was a sandwich made of fresh bread from the bakery, some dandelion greens and rabbit meat Vick had brought by earlier in the week. I reluctantly took a bite and was greeted back to reality by the delicious taste. I quickly ate the whole sandwich and a slow smile spread on Peeta's face as he chewed his food. When he finished he picked up our plates and put them in the sink. He reached his hand out for mine and smiled, waiting for me to reach for him. I returned his smile and took his hand as he helped me stand.
"Ready for our walk?" he said.
"Sure."
"Do you think you're okay enough to go somewhere else tonight?"
"Umm… Sure," I responded, unsure of where we would be headed.
We headed out the door and Peeta kept a strong grip on me as I cautiously made my way down the steps. Instead of turning right like we usually did, we turned left towards the meadow and the woods. Once we left the last few houses behind I smelled the unmistakable smell of pine and my heart sped up. I couldn't help but take several deep gulps. Peeta smiled and continued walking. Eventually he stopped, which I appreciated since I hadn't walked quite so much in a while. We were in the meadow and the smell of the flowers mixed with the pine was heavenly. The sun had already set but in the faint light I imagined the house Peeta had painted.
"Do you remember the house you painted? The one in the meadow?" I asked.
"Yeah, of course. Why?" he responded curiously.
"I was just thinking about it. I think it would be neat."
"Oh yeah?"
I simply nodded my head, suddenly uncomfortable carrying on the conversation and asked if we were going to the woods. He nodded and we continued walking towards them. A few minutes later we stopped outside of the gate and Peeta held it open while helping me through. We didn't walk very far into the woods since it was dark and we would both be useless in trying to fend off any animals. But we sat down on a rock and sat there, enjoying the sounds and smells of the woods.
"Katniss," Peeta said after a few minutes, "I want you to be happy. I know you don't want to tell me and you don't have to, but is there anything I can do to make things easier for you? It makes me feel useless not knowing how to help you."
I sat there silently. I was embarrassed by how much Peeta was affected by my mood swings. How could I have been so selfish as to not even consider how they affected him? I hung my head and shrugged. "I don't know. I wish I knew what to do." He reached over and rubbed my back like he had done earlier that evening. Eventually he stood up and held his hand out to me, helping me stand and steady myself before we headed back home.
That night when we went to bed I curled up against his warm body and tried to think of how I could work against these moods. Eventually before I fell asleep I decided to call two people the next day: Dr. Aurelius and my mother.
The next day I was resolved to not let myself sink into my depression. I avoided the couch and sat on a stool in the kitchen as I called them both. The conversation with Dr. Aurelius was clinical and familiar. As I explained my days he listened and eventually gave me a few constructive ideas that involved going with Peeta to the bakery, visiting Haymitch, and finding a hobby other than hunting. He also said he would send some medicine that would help while I waited for my ankle to heal entirely.
The conversation with my mother was a bit more difficult. It was a strange combination of clinical, like it had been with Dr. Aurelius, but also motherly. Why was I afraid of having children? What could we both do to help us heal from Prim's death since we both struggled with it? I tried to explain my feelings but it was difficult. Finally exasperated, my mother suggested I start a journal to see if I could get my feelings in some kind of order there. We said our goodbyes and I couldn't help but feel a bit miffed at both of their suggestions. How could a journal help me feel better? How would visiting people and picking up a hobby help me with my wish to die? I sat on the stool until I couldn't feel my bottom anymore and finally slid off, deciding to take a shower and head over to Haymitch and Sae's.
As I stood in the warm shower I thought of the journal idea. The book Peeta, Haymitch and I had created and continue to add to was helpful. I switched my plans and decided to try and head to the bookstore instead of Haymitch's. As I dressed and put my hair into its braid I grew tired and decided to take a break before heading outside. I went downstairs and sat on the couch to rest a bit. I closed my eyes thinking I would take a quick nap but woke up at around 6 o'clock instead when Peeta entered. When he saw me sprawled on the couch the look on his face dropped a little. I imagine he was afraid I had been in one of my depressed moods again.
"Hi," I said, trying to talk in my happiest tone.
"Hi," he said warily as he sat down next to me.
"Sorry, I took a nap. I planned to head to town but…" The expression on his face changed to one of surprise.
"Oh? Why were you heading there? Did you get a sudden burst of energy or something?" He asked with a smile.
"No. Well, kind of. I spoke with my mom and Dr. Aurelius this morning."
"What did they say?"
"They had some ideas to help me. I think they're ridiculous. But it might be worth a try," I said nonchalantly.
"Care to share some of the ideas?" he asked.
I listed each one hesitantly and he nodded after each one. "I think those are great ideas, Katniss. Do you want to come with me to town tomorrow?"
"Oh gosh, Peeta, I'd more of a hindrance than anything else. You know that. These ideas are nonsense!" I shot out.
He shrugged, "Maybe. But maybe not. You never know unless you try. Come with me. You can even come to my baking class. You can make it your new hobby."
With that we moved to the table where Peeta opened a box with a variety of breads and pastries. "These were going to be thrown out. I thought I'd bring them home," he explained. We dug in and I enjoyed several delicious cheese buns and berry-filled pastries. As we sat back patting our full stomachs Peeta smiled at me and asked if I wanted to go for our walk. I nodded. "Can we go where we went last night?" I asked hastily. He smiled and nodded.
That night as we walked towards the woods we stopped near the meadow to take a short break.
"If you had a house there," Peeta asked, "what would you want it to look like?"
I hadn't thought much about what the house would look like. I just liked the idea. "I don't know. What would you want it to look like?"
Peeta smiled and began painting a verbal picture, helping me imagine a home that was smaller and less formal than the one we lived in but brighter, cozier and somewhere that sounded unlike anything I had lived in before. It sounded heavenly to me. I nodded as he questioned whether I liked it or not and then we slowly made our way to the woods as I continued to imagine this house in the meadow.