Thanks for the reviews! Let me know what you think of this chapter. I worry sometimes that I lose the characters and make them different from how they are in the series and I'm afraid I may be doing that especially with Katniss, so let me know what you think. Thanks again!
The next morning and the rest of the week Peeta drags me along into a routine. Each day I wake up mid-morning after Peeta's left for work, he comes home around noon to come home and walk me to the bakery, and I sit at a table there eating cheese buns and watching him interact flawlessly while I sit, scowling at the people who stare at me sitting there. Later he teaches his classes- his art class is my favorite to sit through—and then we'll walk home; Peeta half dragging me because I am exhausted by the end of the day. We haven't taken our walk to the woods but Peeta has promised we'll head out there this weekend. I don't mind Peeta's company, but being around so many people can be taxing.
I notice when women look in my direction and whisper. It's difficult to not imagine they're wondering if I'm still crazy or what Peeta is still doing with me. I don't blame them. I am still crazy and I don't know what Peeta's doing with me. It's obvious he's a better adjusted person and I've never been his equal. It's almost painful for me to see Peeta interact with the children he teaches because I know he wants them and I don't. He hasn't brought it up since I mentioned it before, but I know he must think of it. But each night when we go home and sit down he rubs my back and promises the next day will be better.
The days have passed and it's time to get my cast removed. Peeta took the day off and we headed to the clinic. The doctor had an X-ray run to see how my ankle was and after he was satisfied with my progress they removed it. It felt good to have the extra weight off of my body but I still limped about the room awkwardly. The doctor then began discussing exercises I would be doing at home and where I would need to start going to see a physical therapist. Neither sounded particularly enjoyable but I gave in, hoping that a willing patient would mean a speedier recovery for me and a quicker return to hunting.
We stopped by the bakery after the doctor's and Daigle and Benny and Brock, two brothers Peeta had recently hired, were busily helping customers. Some turned to Peeta when he entered, a bit flustered by the lack of experience the boys displayed, so Peeta held up his hands jokingly and said he was off for the day. I nodded towards the counter and hobbled to a table where I sat while Peeta put on an apron and helped the boys until the crowd died down.
"Sorry Mr. Mellark," Benny said sheepishly.
"It's okay," Peeta said kindly. "you guys are still getting the hang of it. Now Daigle on the other hand," he said jokingly, shaking a fist at the blushing boy. "I'm just kidding."
He continued asking them how sales were and if they needed help with anything else to which they shook their heads no. He snuck back to the bakery itself and brought out a few warm treats which we ate on the spot. The boys were busy cleaning and arranging things so Peeta got up and got us a few cups of cold milk from the freezer.
"I don't feel bad stealing from my own stash since I own the place," he said nonchalantly as he returned.
The cold milk tasted delicious with the creamy danish I was eating and I couldn't help but smile. Peeta noticed my change in mood and smiled back before throwing out an idea.
"Want to go to the bookstore to get that journal?"
I hadn't thought about the journal and my smile quickly fell.
"Umm… Sure, we can do that." I said as I gulped the last of my milk down.
Peeta gave me a faint smile and carried out plates and cups to the back to wash them. When he returned we waved to the boys and left. Althgouh walking was decidedly easier without my cast it was still cumbersome and tiring. Luckily the bookstore wasn't too far away though so we made it there in a few minutes. Walking inside of the building for the first time I was impressed by the large array of books it had. I walked towards a stack of new books that looked interesting until I picked up the top book; History of the Rebellion by Markel Linford. On the cover was a picture of myself in the Mockingjay uniform Cinna had created. I quickly dropped the book and looked for Peeta who was on the other side of the store looking at cookbooks.
"Are you okay?" He asked as I approached him, trying not to scream or cry after seeing the book.
"Can we just find a journal and leave?" I asked quickly.
"Yeah, they're over there. Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.
I nodded and he put down the book he was looking at and helped me to the journals. I picked up the first one I found and we made our way to the front. We passed the stack of books I had previously looked at and Peeta's eyes fell across the book I had thrown down before hastily finding him. We paid for the book and began on our way home.
"Was it because of that book?" He asked after we had walked in silence for some ten minutes.
I nodded and kept my lips tightly shut. We eventually made it home and I plopped down on the couch while Peeta set down the bag and helped me put my feet up on a pillow. After removing his shoes he came and sat by me, resting my feet on his lap.
"I'm sorry you saw that," he began.
"Had you seen it before?" I asked, my anger escaping in my tone.
"No. I had heard of it though," he responded. "I didn't bother looking at it. They say the lady who wrote it was a gossip columnist from the Capitol, so who knows what kind of garbage is in it," he explained as he began to rub my tired feet.
I set my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Who was this woman? Why was she using me to sell her book? I felt exploited like I had been by the Capitol during the Games although to an obviously lesser degree.
"Why can't people just leave me alone?" I threw out. I kept my eyes closed but I knew Peeta was looking at me.
"Because of who you are. I'm not saying they're right for it. But you are unfortunately an easy target," he said. It did not help my mood.
"What's that supposed to mean, Peeta?" I said in an incensed tone.
"Well," he said, trying to approach the issue as delicately as he could, "you've all but disappeared since… the assassination. For all some people know, you're dead or just crazy." I shot him my dirtiest look and he continued. "Maybe if you showed them you weren't it would help and they would leave you alone?"
This tipped me off the edge. I swung my feet down from his touch and put them on the ground, turning to him.
"No, Peeta. Engaging them will only make it worse. The best thing I could do is disappear. Or even better, maybe I should have just died with the bombings that day when Prim died!" I yelled.
He faced me and his compassionate expression changed to one of pursed lips and a tight grip on my shoulders.
"Don't you ever say that again, Katniss Everdeen! I'm tired of you wishing you were dead. Don't you realize it's not just your life that would be ruined if you had died? Why can't you understand that? I'm not saying I'm right about talking with that Linford lady or anyone else. But you can't stay like this forever. Life is moving forward whether you want it to or not. You didn't give up after your father died. Don't give up now. You're a survivor. You can't go around living in a haze though. I don't know what happened between today and a few months ago, but you need to come back. Please. For me," he said.
It was obvious tears were forming in his eyes and his voice became a little shaky, but I couldn't sit there. I had been selfish. I stood and began hobbling to the stairs, hoping he wouldn't follow me. I eventually made my way to the bathroom where I quickly threw off my clothes and climbed into the tub. I sobbed as I thought of how stubborn and selfish I had been. I heard Peeta knock at the door but I told him to go away.
I lay in the tub crying and wishing away any of the feelings I had left in me. But I realized this wouldn't happen. Instead I simply drained the tub and left the bathroom. As I walked into the bedroom Peeta wasn't there which made me feel a bit relieved. I didn't want to face him. He was right without saying it; I was selfish which only made me feel worse. But coming out of the funk this time was harder. It didn't matter that Peeta was there. Sure he made it easier, but it didn't mean that everything would be happy all the time. I began to dry off and change when the door opened behind me.
"Whoa! Sorry!" Peeta yelled as he quickly shut the door
"It's… Okay, I guess. Just give me a few minutes. And learn to knock next time." I said as I quickly finished and said he could come in.
"Don't worry, I've learned," he said sheepishly as he entered again, not making eye contact with me.
I let out a short laugh and sat on the bed next to him.
"I'm sorry." I said.
"It's fine, Katniss." He said, reaching for my hand. "I just don't want to lose you again. Please just don't go back to that place," he finished as he brought my hand to his lips.
We sat there in silence, his arm around my shoulder as the other held my hand, until our stomachs began to grumble.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
I nodded yes and he took my hand, helping me stand up.
"Let's go out to eat tonight," he said.
I curiously followed him as we left the house and walked next door to Haymitch's house. Sae had fixed a delicious meal with lamb, potatoes, vegetables, and a loaf of bread Peeta had obviously made.
"What is this spread for?" I asked curiously as we walked in the back door.
"It'd Haymitch's birthday," Sae said.
I then noticed a small cake simply decorated on the counter and a bottle of alcohol next to it. Obviously it had been his birthday; Sae would never allow the drink in the house otherwise. How could I have not known it was his birthday? Had I really been so wrapped up in myself that I didn't remember?
Haymitch came into the room with Sadie. I guess I hadn't seen her in a while because she was noticeably taller since the last time I had seen her. Her curly dark hair still hung down her back and you would think she was a regular child until she began to speak little a child half her age. But Haymitch was patient with her as they walked to the table. Peeta pulled out a chair for me and helped Sae carry the dishes to the table.
Everyone sat down and Haymitch nonchalantly began a conversation while stabbing a piece of lamb with his fork.
"Good to see you back in the real world, Sweetheart." He said.
I started to scowl as him but then remembered how self-absorbed I'd been recently and faked a smile in his direction. He simply laughed and began serving himself and Sadie as the rest of us served ourselves. The meal was delicious and spicy. I suppose since he couldn't have his strong liquor burn his throat he had learned to settle with spicy foods to burn his mouth. After we finished Sae brough out Peeta's cake. It was one I had heard of before but never had. It was a cake soaked in rum. It was quite delicious. Sae only cut a tiny piece for the girl but Haymitch had more than his share of the cake as he devoured every drunken slice.
After dinner Peeta stood to clean the dishes and Sae brought Sadie upstairs for bed. I sat at the table watching Haymitch eye the bottle of alcohol on the counter.
"So tell me, how's the foot feeling," Haymitch asked.
"Fine," I said, not wanting to incite any further questions. It didn't work.
"How have you been feeling?" He asked.
I couldn't help but get a little defensive. "What's with all the questions?"
"I'm just wondering," was all he said.
Peeta sat down a few minutes later and brought the bottle and a cup for Haymitch with him.
"Thank you, my boy," Haymitch said as he took the items more than willingly from Peeta.
Peeta looked at me with a cautious smile and I smiled back.
"Haymitch Abernathy!" Sae called out as she entered the room.
"Hey, the boy gave it to me for my birthday. The least I could do is show my appreciation." Was all he said as he quickly downed his first glass and began to pour another.
The old woman sat down next to me and narrowed her eyes as she looked at Haymitch gingerly drink his second glass. She shook her head and turned to me.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
I felt less defensive when she asked and simply shrugged. The woman's look of concern intensified and she pried some more.
"Are you sure? You aren't looking too well. Is there anything you need?" she continued.
I couldn't help but snap. "Look, I'm fine. Everyone, I'm fine. I wish you could believe me."
Haymitch piped up, "You aren't fooling us, girly girl. If you weren't so damn self-absorbed you might actually let people help you."
I shot a look at Peeta. What had he told them? It's obvious he interacted with them more than I knew since I didn't even know about the dinner tonight. He simply looked down at the table.
"I'm broken and can't be fixed. There, that's all. So unless one of you can magically heal me, it's probably in your own interest to leave it alone." I shot out before standing and trying to leave.
"Sit down!" Haymitch yelled as I reached to open the door. "Peeta may not give you tough love, but I sure as hell have no problem saying this. You are just an ungrateful kid, you know that? Things might not be so bad if you took one goddamn second and thought about what you do have that most people don't. Do you even realize it? You're lucky you're even alive, much less how many people sacrificed their lives so you could keep yours."
"Look, I don't need to hear about-" I began, my tone matching his.
"Yes you do!" He continued. "If you actually cared about those people you'd thank your lucky stars you're alive. You'd actually live your life so theirs weren't wasted on someone as ungrateful as you."
The words stung. Before I could take any more I opened the door and hobbled back to my home as quickly as I could. The tears began to spill as I climbed the stairs and slammed the door shut behind me. I climbed into bed, kicked my shoe off and pulled the cover up above my face, sobbing loudly. Haymitch was right.
Peeta came up a few minutes later and tried to pull the sheet down but I clutched it tightly and told him to leave me alone. He got up to change and came back to the bed a few minutes later and climbed under the sheets. We lay there for what felt like a few hours. Finally after my tears tried I got up out of the bed and began to go to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"Downstairs. Don't worry. Just go to sleep." I answered.
I closed the door behind me and made my way downstairs. I fumbled around in the dark before turning a light on and finding the bag. I grabbed a pen from one of the kitchen drawers and sat down at the table. I pulled the journal out from the bag and stared at the first page for a while. Finally I started to write. At the top of the page I wrote the title for my list: things I am grateful for. At first it was hard to think of anything and I worried that I was more ungrateful than Haymitch even imagined. Until finally the list began.
Peeta Mellark