The annoying beeping from my phone alarm wakes me from my restless sleep, and I spend a moment debating whether to turn over and go back to sleep. Sadly, I have a lot riding on this meeting with Katherine today, and I need to get ready. I pull on some clothes and head down the stairs only to be greeted with the sight of an overly perky Caroline making breakfast. She clearly threw herself into preparing breakfast in the same way she throws herself into organizing school functions, she went a little overboard. The table is filled with cereal, bagels, muffins, croissants, french toast, pancakes, bacon, eggs, juice, and danish. I'm not sure if I walked into the Salvatore dining room or a continental breakfast at the Ritz, because they appear eerily similar.
Before I have time to question Caroline's sudden interest in breakfast, she is bringing me coffee, offering me a plate, and picking out a few breakfast items that she claims will be particularly delicious this morning. Warning bells are ringing loudly in my ears, but I ignore them until Caroline finally states the obvious. "Okay, so the food is a bribe. A delicious pastry filled bribe, because I want to talk, and you are going to spill."
Of course she has questions. She turned into a vampire less than 12 hours ago, though I don't know why she thinks she would have to bribe me to get answers. "I know that I haven't always been honest with you Caroline, and I'm sorry. I also don't know what Stefan or the other Elena told you, but from this point forward I'm an open book. Ask any question and I'll answer it," I tell her putting my hand over hers pleading with her to believe me.
I was more than willing to be open with Caroline, if only she wanted to talk about her recent transformation. This being Caroline, she had other things on her mind. "Great, so why don't we start with why I overheard you talking about straddling Damon the other night at your house, while Stefan was taking care of me? What does your open book say about that, because last time I checked you have a boyfriend who loves you? One who coincidentally doesn't get his rocks off making a meal out of your friends." Caroline barks angrily at me. I briefly start to wonder where Stefan is in the house, and if his vampire hearing can pick up our conversation. "He's not here, if you're wondering," Caroline replies as if reading my mind.
My mind is racing. Out of all of the topics that she could want to discuss, she picks the one I don't want to talk about. I suddenly understand the need for a bribe. I place another croissant on my plate, and ask the only question that really matters. "Does Stefan know what I said to Damon last night," I inquire, more than a little concerned about the answer? It was so stupid talking to Damon like that on the porch. Caroline could have confided in Stefan, or worse Stefan could have overheard us. The fear that grips me is quickly extinguished.
Caroline shakes her head no. "Luckily for you Stefan isn't big on eavesdropping, and I'm not big on ratting out friends. I am however a busybody, which you would do well to remember now that I have vampire hearing." She reminds me with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "You are one of my best friends, and I'm not trying to judge you, but I need to understand why you would do this to Stefan and to yourself." Her concern is evident is every word.
I scoot closer to Caroline and stare up at my friend with saddened eyes. After all the pain that I suffered in the past few years, it's easy to forget how much my friends have lost along the way. Caroline alone overcame a toxic relationship with Damon, a sudden transformation into a vampire, the dissolution of her relationship with Matt, the loss of her father, and the loss of the man that she loved. People spoke frequently of my strength, but when I fell completely to pieces, Caroline was the one to try and save me. The truth is the least that I owe her. "You have every reason to hate Damon for what he did to you. He used you, controlled you, and fed on you. I understand if you can't forgive him. But as bad as he was to you, he was wonderful to me."
Caroline stares at me clearly unconvinced. My tactics obviously aren't working. I think if Caroline just understood what Damon suffered in his quest to find Katherine, she might be able to understand his erratic behavior towards her. "This isn't meant to excuse his behavior, but your relationship with him was at a time when Damon wasn't stable. He spent 145 years searching for a way to free the woman he loved from a mystical prison. It was finally within his grasp, and he lashed out when he feared his plan might fall apart. He took it all out on you and I'm sorry, but the man who did those things isn't the same man that I talked to on the porch last night. Losing Katherine changed him. Profound loss shapes us all. I know that better than anyone. When all hope seemed lost, Damon was there for me. He stood by me even when I didn't deserve it. I fell for him," I admit to Caroline's total shock.
After she sputters a few incomprehensible sounds, she finally regains her train of thought. "You fell for Damon, bad boy Damon. I just thought you wanted to sleep with him," Caroline tells me with her eyes bulging. I can't help but laugh at her total disbelief. She looks mildly irritated that I seem to be making fun of her. After she recovers, she takes my hand again and asks the question that must have been floating around in her head since last night. "Do you love him," Caroline questions in a whisper?
"I do," I admit to her in an even lower voice.
Fortunately, she is too good of a friend to judge me for that. Since we were kids, Caroline has been the biggest advocate of the belief that you can't help you fall in love with. Caroline simply smiles and says with disbelief, "Wow, someone loves Damon Salvatore. I never thought I'd see the day."
"Neither did he," I counter. A surprising look of pity crosses Caroline's face. I am amazed that she has any capacity for compassion for Damon, until I remember that Caroline knows more about being unloved than any of my other friends. She may not be able to forgive Damon, but her sympathy for his former pain might make it easier for her to be civil.
We both sit in silence for a moment, letting each other's words sink in until Caroline shakes her head as if remembering something she had forgotten. "Wait, you still haven't answered my question," Caroline declares. I gape at her confused. She reads my expression and reminds me of her question. "I asked you how you could do this to Stefan. Even if I believe that Damon's hidden pain is the reason he was such a jerk to me, that doesn't explain how you could cheat on your boyfriend with his brother."
"Stefan wasn't my boyfriend in the future," I admit. "We barely even spoke anymore. Stefan may act like a good guy. Sometimes he may even be a good guy, but he is also capable of greater evil than you can imagine. While every person born into this world is capable of great good and great evil, this capacity is only intensified when you become a vampire. The good in a person can become greatness, and the bad can become true villainy. I discovered this to my eternal sorrow. Stefan committed an unforgiveable sin, and two months before the witches sent me back, I swore to him that I would hate him forever. My resolve to keep that promise may have softened, but believe me when I tell you that I owe Stefan nothing," I spat back.
Clearly my vague responses are as annoying to Caroline as everyone else, because it only takes a second for her to ask the million dollar question. "What did Stefan do," Caroline asks? Her face scrunches up in a look of pity and concern, two emotions that I am far too familiar with these days.
Two months of therapy have clearly not prepared me for this question. I am fighting back tears as I try to recount the worst day of my life. "They died. They all died, and it was Stefan's fault," I confess. Before I can move on to the rest of my story, I look up only to see a heart broken Stefan standing a few feet away. My emotions are all over the place and Caroline has lost her voice once more, but the one thing that I know for certain looking at Stefan's face is that he heard everything.
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