Once glance at the GPS information on Reese's phone told Finch he had gone back to his apartment on the edge of Chinatown to lick his wounds. Finch headed straight there, worried about what he might find. Finch shuddered to think what this latest setback would do to John. John could handle gunshot wounds and knife wounds without batting an eyelash, but a wound to the heart, not so much.
To someone who did not know him, Reese appeared to be stoic and rather unfeeling, but Finch had grown to know the man and he knew the stoic exterior was a front, one John had carefully cultivated during his years in combat and in working for the CIA. Finch knew that it wasn't that John was unfeeling, it was that he felt far too much and too deeply. John's feelings were actually very deep and intense, so he had built a hard shell around his heart as a survival measure. Those deep and intense feelings made John very vulnerable and he was very careful about letting people get close to him. Finch was very aware that John cared for the detective deeply and losing her would literally kill him.
Finch knocked at John's door and listened. No sounds came from the apartment and that scared him. With his heart in his throat, Finch pulled out his key and entered cautiously. Mr. Reese was not the kind of guy you snuck up on, especially when you were already living every day with pain.
"Mr. Reese? Are you here? John?" he called out as he moved further in the loft. He spied John sitting on the couch, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, head hanging. Finch did not move quietly with his limp, so he knew that John heard him as he walked to the couch across the hardwood floor; but Reese didn't acknowledge the other man's presence in any way. Finch was further dismayed to see a mostly empty bottle of scotch sitting in front of John on the coffee table.
"Mr. Reese, get your coat on. You are needed at the hospital," Finch said, trying his best to sound firm.
"I doubt that, Finch," John said softly without looking up. He did take a long gulp of his drink.
"I just came from there. Taylor is sorry he blamed you for his mother's injuries and would like you to be there when Detective Carter wakes up."
"Whether Taylor is sorry or not, he was right, Finch."
"No, he wasn't and he knows that. He asked me to find you."
"I don't belong anywhere near the Carter family. I almost got them killed today." The despair in John's voice made Finch's eyes water with tears for his friend.
"John, there is no way you could have known that Elsa Vasquez was the danger and not her husband. I didn't know either and I had access to more information than you did. If you are going to blame anyone, blame me, not yourself."
"You hired me to do a job and I blew it. I let my heart get in the way." There was hitch in John's voice.
"John, you're human…"
"You didn't hire me to be human; you hired me to protect people. And I failed with my most important case because I was too busy playing house with our number." His voice hitched again, "And Joss paid the price."
"John…"
"Mulroney tried to tell me, he knew that the hit on Joss was not the cartel. But I was thinking with the wrong organ, so I didn't listen."
"There is nothing wrong with loving someone, John. You deserve to be happy."
"Men like me can't be happy. People get hurt when we drop our guard." John put his head in hands, "Oh God, Finch, why did it have to be her?"
Finch sat helplessly next to John on the couch, frantically trying to think of the right thing to say to break John out of his grief and guilt. He couldn't think of a single thing to say and silently he cursed the universe for what it was doing to his friend. Regardless of what he thought, John Reese did deserve some happiness in his life and Finch had great hopes that Joss Carter would bring him the happiness he richly deserved.
"John, I heard the conversation with Mulroney, too. I had all the same evidence you did, I reached the same conclusion you did and I wasn't involved with her. Please don't do this to yourself. Not now. Jocelyn needs you."
"Go away Finch. I failed her when she relied on me to protect her. She's better off without me."
John reached for his glass again and Finch reached out and grabbed his wrist. John was a more than a bit surprised by the strength in that grip. Finch was furious with the world at the moment, so that helped a lot.
"Sorry to interrupt you little pity party, Mr. Reese, but right now the Carter family needs you at the hospital. So I suggest you grow up, put on a clean shirt and go brush your teeth. You can marinate in your scotch later. Right now you are going to do what is best for Detective Carter and her son. Taylor asked me to bring you to the hospital and you are going."
John blinked in surprise at his employer. He hesitated for a few seconds and then meekly got up and did as he was told. Finch suspected that it had more to do with the fact that John really wanted to be at the hospital and not so much with getting chewed out by a crippled guy half his size, but he would take it.
A short while later, Finch and John entered the waiting room. John hesitated when he saw Taylor, unsure how the teenager would react to seeing him again. But Taylor leaped up and ran over to John throwing his arms around him. John smiled and returned the hug.
"I'm sorry John. It was shitty thing to say."
"It's OK. It's all over now. Have you had any updates on your mom? Is she out of surgery?"
Fusco piped up, "Naw, we haven't heard a damned thing since she went into the OR. All we know is that they suspected she had some organ damage and internal bleeding, but they wouldn't know how bad it was until they got in there."
"Then I guess we wait," John said.
In reality the wait was only a couple of hours, but to the men and the teen waiting, it seemed like forever.
Finch used his time productively, arranging a private room for Joss and for payment of her medical bills. Since he was paying the bills, he also managed to convince the staff to register her under an alias to make it difficult for any remaining members of the cartel to find her and to make it easier for John to visit her without running into any CIA agents.
Fusco paced and grumbled, and grumbled and paced. Finally, when he caught John glaring at him, he took Taylor to the cafeteria for a bite to eat. Taylor made John swear to call if his mom came out of surgery before they got back. John would have anyway, so he promised Taylor and sent him off.
John was actually glad to have some time alone. He needed some time to think.
He had meant what he had said to Finch back at the loft, he was angry at himself for failing Joss, and he was quite sure that his failure was due to the fact that he let himself get distracted by starting a relationship with her. It had been a spur of the moment decision, to give in and let himself love again and while he was gloriously happy he had given in, he couldn't help but wonder if it maybe Kara Stanton was right, maybe human connections were not for people like him…
"Whatever dark thoughts you're thinking, stop, Mr. Reese." Finch settled down in the seat next to John.
"How would you know what I was thinking?" John asked glaring at his employer.
"Head down, shoulders slumped, face locked in a scowl. We have been working together for over a year now, I know the signs."
"I should have kept my hands off her."
"I know that you probably don't want my opinion, but I think you have your head up your ass, Mr. Reese."
John blinked at Finch, stunned by his employer and friend for the second time that day. Finch turned stiffly in his seat and looked John directly in the eyes.
"Oh, I'm fully cognizant of the fact that your CIA handler told you that human relationships are not for people like you, but she was wrong, very, very wrong. I know you don't like to admit it, but you are human John, and denying your humanity is part of what put you on the streets on the way to suicide by Jack Daniels. It's OK to love and be loved, really.
"Detective Carter makes you happy and you make her happy. I may be socially stunted, but for the life of me, I can't figure out how that would be wrong."
Finch looked down as his lap and John could tell he was struggling with something.
Finally he spoke, "I have a lot of regrets in my life, Mr. Reese. At one point I thought walking away from someone I loved and who loved me was the right thing to do, that it was the only thing to do. I was wrong, I know that now, but it's too late for me to fix it. I hurt both of us very deeply by doing the wrong thing. As they say, I blew it. You and Jocelyn deserve to be happy, John, don't blow it. For both your sakes."
John stared at his boss and friend stunned. "Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about, Harold." He paused, and then added, "It may not be too late for you either."
Finch just looked sad, "No, it's been a few years, that's too long, she's moved on. But you still have a chance at happiness."
"Do you really think someone like me can make someone like her happy, Finch?"
"Judging from the afterglow I saw when I stopped by your apartment the other morning, I think you already have, Mr. Reese."
John glared at Harold. "What, you think I'm blind?" Harold shot back.
"Someday my past is going to catch up with me, and not even you will be able to save me, Finch. I don't want her to get caught in the crossfire when that happens."
"John, in case you haven't noticed, NYPD homicide cop is not the safest job in the world. The only reason Elsa Vasquez is dead and Joss Carter is alive is because of you. Carter is never going to be safe, but she is safer with you."
"First Joss has to survive the beating she took," John said miserably, looking down at his lap.
"I had the nurse check, she should be out of surgery soon," Finch assured him.
They sat quietly until Fusco and Taylor returned and sat down with them. Even Fusco was quiet.
Finally the surgeon emerged from the operating room. John kept his hand on Taylor's shoulder while the doctor spoke.
"It was touch and go there for a while, her spleen and her liver were severely lacerated and she lost a lot of blood. We got the bleeding under control and I think we even managed to save the spleen, we'll know for sure in a few days. She had some broken ribs and a severe concussion. But all in all, with some rest, I think she will be fine."
"Can I see her?" Taylor asked.
"She'll be in recovery in a few minutes, you can see her then."
Carter was soon settled in recovery and Taylor and John were by her side as soon as they were allowed in. Once Finch and Fusco saw her settled in her room, they took their leave to let John and Taylor have time alone with her. They promised to return in the morning.
John stared at Joss. Her face was very beat up, she had a huge knot on her forehead where her head had been smashed against the concrete landing and she had two very black eyes. But she was going to live and to John that was what mattered.
Now he had to think about what would happen after she woke up. He was still amazed that she had agreed to try a relationship with him, even with all she knew. He reached up and played with her hair, stroking and twisting a lock around his finger gently. He wasn't sure he knew where this relationship would go, but he vowed to himself she would not regret giving him a chance.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Taylor grinning at him. John smiled at the boy, "What?"
"Just watching you with Mom, seeing how much you dig her. It's good, man," Taylor replied.
John felt a bit embarrassed to be busted by the kid, but he knew that this affected Taylor too, so he didn't mind too much.
Joss woke up several hours later, Taylor had dozed off, but John was still fully awake, still standing guard by her side. His loving face was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes.
"Taylor?" she asked weakly.
John smiled and pointed to her son dozing in the cot the hospital supplied for family members. Joss closed her eyes and a tear trickled down her face to see her son was unharmed.
John gently whispered in her ear as he wiped away the tear, "You did it Joss, there was not a mark on him. He got away scot-free."
"What happened?"
"Finch tracked Taylor's phone to the warehouse; Elsa and her henchmen are dead. They beat you pretty badly, but the doctors say you'll be fine with some rest. How do you feel?"
"I think my toenails are the only parts of me that don't hurt," she whispered.
John gently kissed her forehead, taking care to avoid the large lump, "Rest, my love, I'll be right here with you and Taylor. Always."
Joss closed her eyes and slept, knowing he would keep his promises to her, always.