Okay, so this is the longest chapter I have ever written. It took me forever, so it might be awhile before I update again. Heads up, there is a lot of dialog in this chapter, because it revolves around Elena finally explaining everything. I'm sorry if it's a lot, but the story itself is very involved. Also quick reminder, I started writing this story before 3x14 aired, so be sure to ignore anything that happened with Esther after 3x13. I basically changed her character completely. I also ignored Finn, because let's face it, he was boring. As always, I hope you enjoy.
Stefan uses his vampire speed to race up to his room before I utter another word. I look to Caroline and we share a quiet understanding before I go bounding after him. We may not be together, but I still need to make sure he's okay. On my way up, I run right into a very troubled Damon. With one look, I discover what is bothering him. "You heard everything too," I ask already knowing the answer?
Damon nods with a sad smirk replacing the typical arrogance. Whatever Damon's feelings towards his little brother, he didn't want this for him. Chalk it up to brotherly love or a sense of loyalty, but Damon was clearly concerned about his little brother. Not that he would ever say it.
Never one to keep the mood dark for too long, Damon attempts to make me smile. As I continue my ascent up the stairs, Damon gets in one last quip. "Little tip for later, if you want to have a furtive conversation with blondie, don't do it in a house full of vampires," Damon teases.
"Now he tells me," I respond back jokingly. My smile fades quickly the closer I get to Stefan's room. When I walk in, I see Stefan staring out the window, and I don't think I have ever seen him look so lost. It's amazing how only a few overheard words can destroy him completely. I never considered the possibility that vampires could be so fragile, but Stefan appears perilously close to breaking.
When he finally breaks the silence, his voice sounds cold and detached. "Come to tell me how I murdered all our friends," Stefan asks never bothering to look at me? I can tell that he is trying to shut his emotions out, but his animal diet makes that impossible.
I try to downplay his involvement in the hopes that Stefan will let this go. There are some truths that no one needs to hear. "What you heard was taken out of context. You didn't murder them. They died," I promise.
Clearly Stefan isn't buying my deflection, and he finds the hole in my story. "Because of something that I did," he questions?
I know that I've been caught, so I give honesty a try. "Yes," I admit. "But it's not as bad as you think. You made one bad decision and rest just kind of snow balled. You don't have a crystal ball Stefan, and you couldn't have known what would happen," I assure him.
If someone had told me a month ago that I would be defending Stefan to himself, I would have told them that they were the ones who should have been committed. But no matter what Stefan's actions caused, my pity for him finally overcomes my anger. I put my hand on Stefan's cheek and press our two foreheads together. His arms wrap around my back and I hold him there as a few tears escape his eyes. He is the first one to pull away, and he sits silently on his bed. "I want the whole story, Elena. No more evasions or vague answers. Tell me the truth, good and bad," Stefan calmly demands.
I'm not sure if Stefan's stable enough for that. I'm not sure if I'm stable enough for that. No person on Earth has ever heard the whole story. Caroline didn't want to push me, and I knew the reality would only make my shrink think I was crazier. I let out a heavy sigh and issue a warning that I hope Stefan will heed. "Trust me when I tell you that the truth about the future is best left there. If I'm successful in stopping Klaus, it won't matter what happened in some alternate future that you will never live to see. Why does it matter," I question pleading with him to drop it?
My luck has never been that great, and Stefan attempts to sway me with a convincing argument. "It matters because now that I know part of the truth, my imagination will start filling in the blanks about what you're not telling me. The future may be dark, but nothing can be as bad as some of the scenarios flowing through my mind. If I don't know the truth, I may never be able to rest easy again," Stefan explains.
"There's no turning back Stefan. Once I tell you this, you will never be able to erase it from your memory. The truth may haunt you worse than the fiction," I warn.
"Maybe, but that's a risk I am prepared to take," Stefan replies with certainty. His resolve is strong, and I realize he will never let this go until he learns the truth. I just wish he knew what he was asking.
I struggle for where to begin. Stefan needs to understand the path that led him to that day if he is to understand the events that followed. I decide on the night he left with Klaus. It might not have been the first domino to set this all in motion, but it is the most relevant one. "Several months ago, Damon was dying of a fatal werewolf bite, and you made a deal to save his life. The vampire that I told you about, Klaus, his blood was the cure, and he wanted you to join him in his life of hedonistic blood sucking. You agreed to go back on human blood, abide by his every request, and leave Mystic Falls behind in exchange for saving Damon's life. While you were with him, he asked you to do some very bad things," I explain trying to skip over the gory details.
Stefan quickly catches my vague description, and he calls me on it. "I asked for a non-vague answer to my questions. What do you mean by very bad things," he asks clearly growing more worried by the second?
"You killed people," I finally confess. Stefan looks horrified, but I remind myself that this is what he asked me for. If he wants the full truth, I won't hold anything else back. "You ripped them apart, tortured them, and put their bodies back together when you were done. You left bodies scattered from Florida to Tennessee," I answer without a trace of my former sympathy. "Damon and I searched for you. We nearly got ourselves killed a half a dozen times trying to bring you home. When I finally found you again, you persuaded me in the cruelest way possible that you cared nothing for your old life and that you cared nothing for me." Tears flood my eyes once more, and I am amazed that his rejection can still sting after all this time. It's almost like the pain of phantom limbs. Nothing is there, but the body still remembers what it lost. Stefan makes a move to wipe away my tears, but I brush his hand away. He doesn't deserve to comfort me, not about this.
I decide to continue on with the story disregarding my emotional outburst. "When you eventually broke free of Klaus, you were wracked with guilt," I explain. "Instead of dealing with it, you convinced yourself that all hope was lost. You deluded yourself into thinking that I had given up on you, that I couldn't love you, and that Klaus had taken everything from you. After that realization sunk in, your only desire was for revenge on Klaus."
I'm not prepared for his next question and it hits me like a Mack truck. "Did you still love me," Stefan questions in a shameful whisper?
I haven't asked myself that question in a long time, but I know the answer all the same. "Yes, I did, for a long time actually, but I could never convince you of that fact. You hated yourself so much that you couldn't imagine how anyone could still love you." The tragedy of it all makes my heart ache, but I carryon. "Your desire for revenge consumed your entire being, so much so that you used me in a faceoff with Klaus. You fed me your blood and threatened to drive me off Wickery Bridge," I explain sadly. Stefan looks shocked and confused and like he's forgotten how to breathe. I used to love him, so I don't need words to know the thoughts racing in his mind. He thinks that he would never do that. He thinks that he loves me, and he thinks that he has never hated himself more than he does in this moment. I feel so sorry for him knowing that I haven't even gotten to the worst part of the story.
After giving him a moment to recover, I continue with the saddest story ever told. "We were told that a coffin that Klaus carried with him was the key to killing him. You stole the coffin and persuaded Bonnie and her mother to open it with magic. Inside the coffin was Klaus' mother, a resurrected witch named Esther," I tell Stefan in a quick rush to get this over with.
"After she was awakened, she invited you, me, and Damon over to their home. She sat us all down and explained that she had had a change of heart. Esther was a mother above all else, and she begged us to understand that killing her own son would be an atrocity. She promised us all safety in exchange for peace with her family. This truce didn't sit well with you. Damon noticed your rising temper before I did. He tried to calm you down. We both did, but your anger was erupting uncontrollably. You only lived for revenge, and when that was taken away, you snapped. You tried to kill Esther, but because she was an incredibly powerful witch and 1000 years old, she easily defeated you, but she spared your life. If it had been up to Esther, the matter would have ended there. You were upset, and she understood that, but Klaus was in the same house, and he came running when he heard the commotion. After he realized you attempted to kill his mother, he took his revenge on you in the only way that he could. He needed my blood to make more hybrids, so he went after the only other person that you loved."
"Damon," Stefan finishes for me.
Up till now, I have maintained my composure admirably, but describing the next string of events shatters my heart and soul. "I watched as Klaus drove a dagger through Damon's heart," I admit. The tears are streaming down my face, and I have to stop after some words to muffle the sobs. When I find my voice again, I continue.
"His body slumped to the ground and he turned unnaturally gray and lifeless. I don't remember much after that, but I remember throwing myself on his body, and shaking him, begging him to wake up." I have to stop for another minute as I take my head in my hands and struggle to breathe again. This story has brought up a lot of memories that I have spent months trying to forget. Just as Stefan thinks the story can't get any worse, I have to pile on.
"The next thing I see is you throwing yourself at Klaus' brother, Kol. Somehow you get your hands on a dagger, and you make a move to shove it in Kol's heart. Klaus stops you before it goes in, and it's a good thing that he did, because killing an original is fatal to vampires, a fact that you knew very well. Though I don't think you cared much whether you lived or died. Your brother was dead, and regardless of what you say about one another, I know that you loved him. Losing him destroyed whatever control you had left," I claim grimly. "Klaus took your attack on Kol as a final insult. He resolved to make you suffer and destroy what little you have left to live for. He was gone for almost two hours. Rebekah was guarding us until Elijah walked in demanding to know why we were being detained. Elijah commanded Rebekah to release us, but it was too late. The damage was done," I whisper.
I struggle to maintain a cool detachment as I recount the rest of the story. If I let my feelings come rushing in, I know I will never finish. "As Elijah was escorting us back home, Klaus ambushed us, broke Elijah's neck and then yours. He had blood caked on his clothing. Some of it was so fresh it was still dripping on the ground. That's when he decided to show me the pictures of his handiwork. He forced me to watch as he showed me a slideshow of my friends' mangled bodies. Klaus said he killed Bonnie first, snapping her neck before she even sensed his presence. Alaric was next, his hand was chopped off and then his head. With Matt, he decided to get inventive. He stole his truck and then ran over him with it six times. He ordered Tyler to rip his own heart from his chest. Jeremy he took his time killing. My baby brother was tortured brutally before he was torn apart. The body was so unrecognizable that the medical examiner had to make the ID with dental records. The only person spared was Caroline. Klaus was infatuated with her, and his creepy obsession saved her life. Klaus let me and Stefan go after that. He said that the pleasure that he got in watching us suffer would be all the retribution he required," I recount with a hollow expression. Numbness has surged through my body, and it replaces the consuming, searing pain of the past. I wonder if this is what a vampire feels like when they flip the switch on their humanity. If it is, I can understand the appeal.
Stefan looks like he is going to throw up on his rug. I did try to warn him that this wasn't a story for the faint of heart. It seems strange that after more than 160 years on this Earth, Stefan can still be surprised at the capacity for true evil. I decide to give him a little rest before I catch him up to present day.
After fifteen minutes of pacing and pained glances, I conclude that Stefan is strong enough to finish. "Elijah came to see me the next day," I start again. "His words were mostly lost on me, but I remember him telling me that due to Klaus' recent massacre, Esther was plagued with guilt. She never wanted innocent people to die. Elijah promised me justice for my family and friends. He convinced Esther to destroy Klaus and by days end he was dead," I narrate bitterly.
My bitterness turns into cruelty as I make a pointed jab at Stefan. "I never asked you if your revenge was as satisfying as you had hoped, but for me it was empty. Klaus' death didn't bring back my family, my friends, or Damon. After Klaus died, the next several weeks passed in a fog. Elijah forced his family to flee Mystic Falls under penalty of death and Mystic Falls was finally safe. The surrounding towns weren't as lucky. Caroline and her mother took me in. They tried to take care of me, but I was inconsolable. Even though they never told me directly, I could hear Caroline whisper with her mom about animal attacks in neighboring towns. I didn't need any more information to know it was you. Your rage and your grief erupted into a destructive violent force that destroyed everything in its path. After a few weeks, the reports stopped. I didn't know if you had stopped killing, left town, or if the council had finally killed you. Truth be told, I didn't much care," I admit.
Stefan looks mortally wounded by my words, but I promised him the truth. Sadly the truth isn't complete just yet. There is still the last chapter of the story. "The next time I saw you was almost a month later. Caroline convinced me to leave the house to go to the Grill for some lunch. While she parked the car, you ran up to me proclaiming all sorts of apologies. Before Caroline had time to intervene, I picked up a pencil that a waiter had left on a nearby table and I shoved it in your gut. My anger clouded my judgment, because I realized that I just stabbed my ex-boyfriend in front of about 15 witnesses. I screamed at you that I would hate you forever as Caroline pulled me away," I explain to Stefan's shock and horror.
"You later told me it was concern for my well-being that compelled you to file charges. You convinced a judge that I was a danger to myself and others, and you had me forcibly committed. After more than a month of intensive therapy, you came to visit me. You tried to apologize again, and you detailed how you went from murderous rampage to brooding and contrite. Apparently, Katherine found you after she climbed out of whatever rock she was hiding under. She convinced you that you owed it to Damon, to me, and to all the people who died, to fight for your humanity. I may never understand the pull she has over you, but Katherine saved you when I couldn't, and it wasn't the first time. After you were done recounting the past couple months, you told me that you made a deal with the witches to send me back in time. Your only request was that I try not judge you by your future mistakes. As they say the rest is history," I finish trying to remember that I am here to change the story, not dwell on the past.
Stefan doesn't say much for a long time, and he stays on his bed processing until he finally thinks of a question I haven't answered. "I hurt you. I left you, and I'm responsible for the death of nearly everyone that you love. I don't blame you for hating me, but I need to know without judgment or criticism how you fell in love with my brother? You claimed that he was a self-serving psychopath not even a month ago. How did this happen," Stefan asks still puzzled?
Everyone seems puzzled. I feel like I am a broken record defending Damon to the people that I love. Stefan's confusion is the most infuriating, because he should understand better than anyone. "You sacrificed everything, your freedom, your home, your relationship with me, even your humanity all to save Damon's life. That means that there is a part of you that remembers something good in him, something worth loving. Over the next year, I discovered that goodness inside of him. He let me see his heart, his beautiful heart, and all he asked in return was mine. You shouldn't ask yourself why I fell for him. You should ask how I couldn't. He's an honorable man behind all his pain and his emotional damage. Damon is capable of true greatness. All he needs is someone to believe in him. I don't say this to hurt you, but Damon took care of me after you left me. He was there when you weren't, and I don't feel guilty about what happened while you were gone," I proclaim brazenly.
I glance at my watch and realize it is 11:45. If I want to meet Katherine on time, I have to leave now. It seems wrong to leave Stefan after dumping all this on him, but I have to keep my meeting to keep everyone alive. I pass by Damon in the hallway and ask him a favor. "Take care of him, ok. He's your little brother, and that means something whether you want to admit it or not," I remind Damon forcefully. This leaves me with a clear enough conscience to go meet with Katherine, and I pray that my day can't get any worse.
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