Okay, I know it has been forever since I updated, but it seems my muse has taken a hiatus along with the Vampire Diaries. I also know that I promised this chapter would be Delena heavy, and it is in a way. However, I decided to put the big Damon Elena part off till the next chapter. Thank you to all my readers who have stuck with me.
I text my past self to meet me at our house. If she is going to yell at me, I'd rather not have a captive audience. When I walk into my room, I notice she's been crying. On instinct, I rush over to the bed and wrap my arms around myself. Her emotions must be contagious, because without understanding why, I join her in her quiet sobbing. It's the first time that we've been this close to each other, but it feels natural being there for her. Her pain is my fault, and soothing her feels like a form of repentance. She allows me this moment of comfort only until she feels the tears on her shoulder, and she realizes the sound of crying isn't just coming from her. She shrugs away from my embrace. She stares at me with such hatred, and I wonder if this counts as a form of self-loathing, or if she simply doesn't see herself in me. It would be understandable since every time that we're together it feels like a chasm separates us, a chasm created by my pain and loss. The girl I see before me is nothing like the woman that I know I've become.
An icy coldness fills her voice as she speaks to me. "I had a life before you showed up. It may not have been a normal life like I wanted, but I didn't ask to give it up. In less than two days, you've managed to destroy my relationship with Stefan. You manipulated Stefan and you manipulated me," Elena accuses. I'm sure she expects a denial or an apology or even shamed silence, but since I'm on an honesty kick, I decide to admit the simple truth.
"You're absolutely right. I did manipulate you and Stefan. It might not have been intentional, but subconsciously I have been sabotaging your relationship. But you need to know, it wasn't part of some elaborate plan," I reason calmly. Elena doesn't seem to be buying it, and I don't blame her. I did have a plan, a manipulative, calculated plan. Destroying their relationship was a big part of it, but somehow I sabotaged it without even trying. Nothing that I've done lately has been according to plan.
What happened today only proved my point that the relationship was doomed long before I showed up, and Elena needed to believe that to. It took me a long time to come to grips with why Stefan and I failed, but when I did that epiphany freed me. It released me from the guilt that his failings were somehow my fault, that if I had tried harder, that I could have saved him.
Elena needs some tough love, so I continue hopeful that my harsh tone might penetrate our thick skull and maybe bring us both some peace. "I did the apology thing," I state plainly. "All I have done since I got back is apologize to the people that I love." Images flash in my head of Jenna, Damon, and Caroline. I felt like I was always saying how sorry I was. I know now that I shouldn't have to apologize, especially not to myself. I struggle to connect with her hoping that it will make her understand. I take her hand and look her square in the eyes as I say, "You know better than anyone what it's like to always feel responsible for the bad things that happen."
I see a flash of something behind her eyes, maybe its empathy or acceptance, but it's gone in an instant. She's shutting me out, and she removes her hand from my grasp. So since emotional connecting isn't working, I decide to give brutal honesty a second try. "I'm done with apologies," I inform her coolly. "So here's the advice part of our little heart to heart. Get over it," I state plainly. Elena stares silently looking as I'm sure she feels hurt and angry. I know it hurts, because honesty always does, so I just continue piling on. "The man that you love broke your heart. It sucks, but you'll survive, and in the end it will make you stronger. One of these days you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna see that you are not defined by Stefan's weaknesses. You're gonna see that he's just a man, a flawed imperfect person just like the rest of us. He has a fatal flaw just like anyone, a flaw that defines him and strives to destroy him. That flaw is what destroyed my relationship with Stefan, not me. I won't apologize for that weakness, not anymore."
Elena doesn't say anything for a long while. She just stares off into space, until her next question breaks the silence. "What flaw," she manages to utter?
"Excuse me?"
"What flaw destroyed my relationship? I think you owe me that much."
"Guilt," I say simply. "Every hero has a fatal flaw and Stefan's is his guilt. It compels him to sacrifice his own happiness as a form of atonement. Stefan does love you, and he always will, but he doesn't feel that he deserves our love. What I told him about the future only confirmed his own insecurities," I convince Elena. By the look in her eyes, I know my words are having an impact. She might not want to believe it, but a small part of her realizes the truth in my words. Memories come rushing in of the times that Stefan has walked away from me all in the name of protecting me. It makes me feel stupid for not seeing it before.
My face softens a little as I see Elena is struggling to hold it together. Everything she knew has shifted under her feet in the course of two days. Elena is searching my face for some sign of my sincerity or possibly for some sign of herself. She needs a connection to hold onto, so I offer her something she will understand, empathy for Stefan. "For the record, I do want Stefan to find love and happiness in this life, and obviously since I'm you, I want the same for us both. Stefan and I shared an epic love once, but even the best of stories come to an end. Sometimes love isn't enough to overcome our inner demons. I'm truly sorry if I've caused you pain, but just so we're clear, if I had it to do all over, I wouldn't change a thing," I confess without a trace of my former guilt. Despite everything that I've said today, she still appears shocked by my admission.
She stares at me looking betrayed and lost. Her voice cracks barely above a whisper. I strain my ears to hear her words. "He told me what he did in your time. Stefan said that he was responsible for the brutal deaths of nearly everyone that I love. I understand what that must have done to you, but I can't just switch off my feelings for Stefan and transfer them to Damon, like you clearly want me to."
I interrupt her train of thought, because clearly we are having a miscommunication. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I would never ask that of you," I tell her.
Elena seems confused and she grows more frustrated by the minute. "Than what do you want from me, because I'm trying really hard to understand?" Her shoulders slump and she looks as if she's given up. This isn't how this was supposed to be. She needs to be stronger than this if she is to survive what's to come.
"I just want you to stop running," I say exasperated. "Stop running from the truth just because it's scary. Stefan will never trust himself to love you like you deserve, and Damon is a good man. Open your eyes to that and I will be happy. I don't need you to love Damon now. All I need is for you to open your heart to the possibility of him. He's gonna come by here tonight. He's gonna be broken and lost, a lot like you are now. Just let him in a little. You might realize that the two of you have a lot more in common than you think. Look into his beautiful blue eyes, and if you can't see all the love and adoration that I see in them every day, then you're right, we are nothing alike," I challenge.
She nods her head just a smidge, but I get the message all the same. I leave our room to give her some space, and to give me some space. As I sit alone on my couch, I try to piece together what I think will happen tonight. Assuming Katherine still intends to talk to Damon. He's gonna come here with a broken heart. This time it's going to be different. I am going to stay here to make sure that it's different. Jeremy and Jenna will also be elsewhere for the evening just in case my meddling goes awry. A part of me hopes that Damon would never do that to me, not after all that we've shared in the past two days, but the other part remembers the pain of watching my brother's neck snap at Damon's hand. I can't take any chances. It's time to write a new ending to this story. All I have to do is wait for my moment.
As Always Please Read and Review