John smiled. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, stroking his hair. "I love you, Sherlock." He was silent for a moment. "Thank-you."
Sherlock smiled, frowning slightly. "What for?", he asked, caressing John's back.
John kissed his lips softly. A smile on his face. "For everything. For coming back. For…this." He blushed.
Sherlock smiled. "Sorry for the wait", he apologized. "I'll never disappear again". He kissed John back, running his lips on John's neck. "Thank /you/, John. For everything. For not giving up on me. And for this", he replied, biting John's lobe playfully.
John couldn't resist a moan at Sherlock doing. His body shivered from his kisses. "I was suicidal, yes. Depressed. But I never..gave up hope. Even if it killed me."
Sherlock kept giving John opened-mouth kisses. Neck, chest, mouth, cheeks. Anywhere he could find. "Well, you are done being depressed now", he said. It came out more forcefully than expected, sounding like an order. "I'm here now. Nothing or no one will kill you"
John smiled, his hand stroking whatever he could touch of Sherlock. "Yes, I'm done being depressed, but...it will take a while getting used to you. Being alive. And that I'm not mad."
"You seemed quite used to me right now", Sherlock teased, pecking John on the nose this time. He didn't quite understand what 'a while' was for John. Was he going to… be awkward around him or avoiding him? Sherlock wanted everything to be like before… "John, mm.."
"Yes, Sherlock?" he murmured. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock, sitting them up. He felt tired, drained, but happy. He didn't want this moment to end.
Sherlock took John's face in his hands and ran his fingers over his neck, trying to gain some time to think how to say want he wanted to say. "I..", he trailed of, looking down. "I don't want anything between us to… change.", he finally, said, looking up at John. "I-I know you are mad at me for not telling you and… well, dying", he smiled slightly. "but..."
John reached up and held Sherlock's hands in place. "But..?" When the detective didn't reply, he squeezed his hands. "Nothing will change between us. I promise. It's just...going to take time. Christ, Sherlock I nearly killed myself again today. Seen you're alive. Admitted my love for you and shagged you in the same night!"
Sherlock blushed at those words, smiling shyly at John. "You did all of that because I came back today, John. Tomorrow, when you think properly, you will be mad at me. Or would you have done all of this", he said, gesturing with a hand between them, "if I hadn't died? If I had been here all this time, solving crimes together… if everything was like it used to be, would you have gotten… involved with me?"
John sat there, thinking. He didn't honestly know, but he couldn't leave Sherlock in silence. "You have a point," he said softly, "Maybe. I can't..really say. We would've been too embarrassed to admit feelings. You can't say one of the reasons you admit you loved me was because I..I almost killed myself."
The minutes of wait felt like ages to Sherlock. When John finally replied, he said no with his head forcefully, staring at John seriously. "I always loved you, John. I-I thought of telling you that day, at Bart's roof but… I knew it would have been too much. And I have spent these years thinking how… I would tell you", he admitted. God, he didn't want this to end. He knew tomorrow everything would be so different…
John stroked Sherlock's curls, a smile on his face. "You were right. I-I think I would've offed myself...right then and there." He sighed softly. "I still can't look Mrs. Hudson in the eyes. After-after she walked in on my lifeless body. Lestrade and her got me in the hospital, right on time."
"God, John, I'm so sorry", Sherlock whispered and, for once, he meant it. He leaned forward, pulling John to himself with all the force he could master. He kissed his neck up to his ear, closing his eyes and breathing in. "Let's not sleep", he said all of a sudden. "If we don't sleep, nothing would change tomorrow… you won't think differently in the morning".
"Hold on a minute, Sherlock," breathed John, leaning into Sherlock, "Why and how would I think differently of you? What will change?" He was honestly confused.
"I told you", Sherlock murmured. "You won't do this again, John, now that you know I'm alive and I won't go away again. When you wake up tomorrow next to me… you will think differently. You will believe this had been a mistake. That it is better to be just friends like we used to be". He knew what he was talking about. He knew what a whole night to think could modify.
John hushed Sherlock by kissing his lips. "Sherlock, shut up." He growled softly. "I will not think diffidently of you. I will not think of this as a mistake. I love you. Nothing will change okay? Stop thinking for once. Please."
Sherlock kissed John back, biting his lower lip. When he draw back, he leaned forward so their foreheads touched. "I love you too", he breathed, trying to control his pulse. He tried to comply, but his mind wouldn't shut up. "Make me stop thinking", he begged, still with his eyes closed.
John sighed softly with happiness. He kissed Sherlock's lips, knotting a hand in Sherlock's dark locks. "Mmm...I think we're both too exhausted to try anything like that again." He blushed.
Sherlock blushed hard. He hadn't really meant it that way… "I-I just…", he stuttered. "I didn't mean… ", he looked up at John with big eyes. "Let's sleep", he finally said, leaning into John's hand.
John chuckled at Sherlock reaction. "I love you." He laid back down, pulling Sherlock with him. He held his detective close to him. Feeling his heartbeat.
Sherlock hugged John closely, keeping the doctor's head in the crock of his neck. Sherlock could feel his breathing on his neck. Soon, the doctor was already asleep, but Sherlock didn't sleep at all. He stayed six hours staring at the back of John's head, thinking. Thinking about what their lives would be after this night.
Several hours later John woke up with a small start. He felt someone's arms around him, but that didn't do much good to calm him down. He sat straight up, gasping for breath as he felt the cold sweat trickle down his face. "Fuck," he whispered, "No, no.." His voice was weak, shaken.
Sherlock pulled away as soon as he felt John jump in the bed. In a flash, he got up the bed, not really caring that he was stark naked. He stared at John with a hurtful look, breathing fast. He knew this would happen, he was prepared… so, why did he want to start crying like a baby? John was mad. Really mad at him. "John…", he whispered, sounding close to tears.
"Sherlock," groaned John, turning to his best friend, his lover, "Oh, Sherlock." He moaned softly, fresh tears running down his face. His body shook painfully as each wave of sobs came over him. The thoughts of the nightmare slowly vanished, but it still remained.
Sherlock didn't know what to do. He wanted to hug John so badly, but he knew John wouldn't allow it. So he stayed still in front of his crying lover, waiting for John to send him out. To scream at him. One single tear rolled down his face, and he bit his lower lip to keep himself from breaking down.
Slowly John reached up to Sherlock's hovering form. Sherlock felt cold, he could feel him trembling. "Sherlock," he whispered, sobs still rising from him, "I'm not mad. Please-please don't think that." It was becoming easier to breath, slowly. Holding Sherlock close helped more then he knew.
Unsure, Sherlock wrapped his arms around John, shaking. He breathed in slowly, trying to calm himself down. Of course, he thought. Stupid, stupid… it had been a nightmare. God, his feelings for John made him fail more than ever. "I'm here, John, it's okay", he whispered on John's ear, closing his eyes. "You-you are not mad at me?"
John shook his head, trying to slow his breathing, his heartbeat. He held Sherlock to him, the contact of bare flesh calming him. "No, Sherlock. I'm not. Why do you think I will be?" He couldn't go back to sleep, he kept thinking. He needed to stop.
Sherlock buried his head into John's neck, kissing him there. "I thought you would regret this", he whispered, his voice muffled by John's neck. "I love you, John"
John smiled, stroking Sherlock's hair. "Why would I? I never will." He smiled, kissing Sherlock's forehead. "I love you. Always."
Sherlock smiled happily at John, bringing both his hands to the doctor's face. "Tell me", he said. "About the nightmare"
John shook his head. "I..I don't need to. It's ok." He smiled slightly
Sherlock could see right through John. "No, it's not", he whispered. "It's not ok, John. But... if you don't want to tell me, I won't keep insisting", he promised.
John couldn't help, but sigh with a tremble. "I saw you. Jumping. I tried-tried to call out to you. Tell you to stop, but...you didn't. You hit the ground, I tried running to you. As fast as I could, but-but I couldn't reach you."
Sherlock stocked the back of John's head, holding him close. "I used to have nightmares about you, these years", he confessed for the first time in his life. Not even Mycroft knew this. "I dreamt I returned to London, but it was already late. Sometimes, you would be married, others you would have killed yourself", he murmured, resting his cheek on John's head. "But I don't have to be afraid anymore. And neither you do"
"I try not to be," whispered John softly, "I'm afraid you won't be real. You're just a figment of my imagination. It happened once. So real. Sherlock, what...would you have done if I-I killed myself."
Sherlock took John's head in both his hands, staring at him right in the eyes. "John, look at me. I am real, ok? I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere", he promised, kissing John's lips slightly. "If you killed yourself, I would have followed", he confessed. He had even thought of various ways of killing himself.
John shuddered at the thought. No, not his Sherlock. John allowed himself to kiss Sherlock back, his hands squeezing Sherlock's. "I couldn't want you to," he whispered softly, "There's no reason for me to live without you."
"I could say the same", Sherlock replied, kissing John's cheek. Not my John. "I guess we are bound, in some way", he whispered, staring down at his lips.
"Bound? I'm not sure I understand," he said softly, stroking Sherlock's hand.
Sherlock smiled, looking down at their joined hands. "We can't live without one another".
"Well of course not," said John as if it was simple, "I never could live without you."
Sherlock interlaced their fingers together, looking up at John. "Obviously".
John wrapped his arms around him, tightly. "Sherlock, just don't leave me okay? I need you."
Sherlock hold John closely, breathing into his hair. "Never. I need you too, John. So much", he whispered, closing his eyes"
John smiled, relaxing at Sherlock's touch. "Promise me. Promise me if you have to leave for whatever reason, then take-take me with you."
"John…", Sherlock trailed off. Could he promise John that? If his doctor was in danger again and Sherlock was the only one that could save him… he would do it again. "John, I promised I would try my best not to do this again. But I can't promise you that I would take you if you were in danger".