Chapter 1
Nightmares
I felt a funeral in my brain,
And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
That sense was breaking through.
-Emily Dickinson
Kelly says that I'm crazy. Literally. According to her, I am displaying some symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Sure, I get the occasional nightmares of me getting tossed into space with no air, of the Normandy exploding, of me getting chased and almost burnt to death by Batarians, of some old friends getting eaten by thresher maws, and of Reapers setting worlds on fire, but really, I am fine. I deal with that stuff every day.
Dreams are just dreams. Sometimes, life is harder, especially if one has been dead for two years.
Only yesterday at the Citadel, people and consoles still think that I'm dead. Whenever people see me, they stare at me like I am some ghost. Reactions could vary from utter joy (Shepard you're alive!) to terror (Oh shit! I thought you were dead). If I get more of those, I am going to do a Monty Python song and dance number:
I feel happy! I feel happy!
I am not dead yet
I can dance and I can sing
I am not dead yet
I can do the Highland Fling
I am not dead yet
No need to go to bed
No need to call the doctor
Cause I'm not yet dead.
That should get people's attention.
People have moved on and I am still here.
I admit: I came to the Citadel to find someone. I needed to see him.
Anderson tried to help. He defended me from the Council (who by the way also think I'm crazy) and got my Spectre status back. But I could tell that he was a bit disappointed because I joined Cerberus. I hate disappointing him. He couldn't tell me anything about Kaidan.
I guess "classified" is the new word for "mind your own business."
Everybody tells me that Kaidan has moved on.
I can't get reinstated as an Alliance officer while I'm with Cerberus. As far as they're concerned, I am either a deserter, a terrorist or both. Part of me feels like I have lost another home. In more ways that one, the Alliance did give me a home after Mindoir. Their rescue team got me out of the wreckage and sent me to homes. Because I didn't have any money and I couldn't get into a decent college, the Alliance gave me something to do. For the past ten years, the Alliance has given me everything.
That's okay. I am not new to the idea of losing a home.
Everybody has moved on, so I have to move on.
The best part of this is that the galaxy still needs me. That is why I'm still here. If the galaxy needs me to become a criminal so that I could save it, I'll be a criminal. At least I know that I'm needed.
I am not sure if Kaidan still needs me. If he doesn't need me anymore, then I will have to work on not needing him. I cannot be distracted by just one guy no matter how wonderful he is.
So you see, living is harder. Sometimes life can be one's biggest nightmare.