"If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit." Kevin Nealon
Rachel knew no more pain but she knew no joy either. It seemed as though everything had lost its meaning. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, after turning and tossing in her bed for countless hours, she would get up, walk to the bathroom, take a razor blade, lift her pyjama shirt, and cut herself…
Feel something.
That was all she wanted. She wanted to feel, to feel again because she didn't anymore.
At first, she would graze her stomach with her fingers. Then, she would press the cold metal against the pale surface. Her eyes would grow wide as small lines of blood would appear on her skin. Tears would prickle her eyes but she felt no pain. No pain or maybe she felt too much. She couldn't tell anymore.
She had become numb. The only thing she knew she could feel was hate. It was there in the blood tainting the wet clothe she was pressing against her skin.
Santana and Rachel were now in speaking terms. It seemed that popularity was the key to winning the Latina's respect.
Now, she would acknowledge her existence by a brief head nod in her direction when she crossed her way.
Sometimes, when they were alone, she would stop and exchange a few words with her.
Once, Rachel was almost going under a panic attack because she couldn't find her pencils and Santana had come to her rescue by lending her one of hers. They had shared an awkward smile afterwards and the small singer had been too stunned to be able to concentrate on her math test. She had glanced a few times in the Latina's direction, as she was trying to figure out what was going on, only to be glared at by their teacher.
"If someone is caught cheating that person will have a zero." He had said.
Quinn too seemed to interact more and more often with her old friend since that talk they had had after cheerleading practice. Rachel had noticed that, if they weren't exactly what could be said friends, they would still speak to one another from time to time and Santana had taken the habit of sitting next to the head Cheerio when they were in Glee club.
Without turning into a social butterfly, Santana was obviously becoming more socially active. She was not happy but she seemed less depressed which was something Rachel couldn't stand. It seemed to her that it was not fair that the other brunette could recover of her pain while she couldn't.
Kelly and Meredith's presence seemed to be getting more unbearable with time which had to be an exploit. Rachel would block out all of their conversations merely nodding when they paused to take their breath. They were uninteresting, boring, annoying, and almost frustrating. Their voices sounded like the ones of crows screaming above people's head as they flew by with their gossips.
"You shouldn't hang out with them." Santana had told her once while applying lip-gloss on her lips in front one of the bathroom's mirrors. Rachel had known were to found her since she was always applying makeup or fixing her hair after class. "They're annoying as fuck."
The Latina had turned into her direction with a slight smile dancing on her lips. One of her eyebrows was raised as though she was waiting to be challenged. Rachel hadn't been able to hold back a chuckle. Somehow, it seemed funnier when the other girl's cruelty was directed towards people she disliked instead of her. Santana had snorted proudly in response before lightly brushing Rachel's forearm in an almost friendly gesture.
"See you in Glee!" She had thrown over her shoulder before leaving the room.
Finn, on the other hand, was completely ignoring her. When she would pass by him, he would look in the other direction. She had tried to have a conversation with him once. She had stopped him in the middle of the hallway, taking him by surprise, and had dragged him into a classroom.
"Why are you running away from me?"
He had fidgeted like a child. He always did so when he was uncomfortable.
"I just want…I want my Rachel back." He had told her uneasily.
"I am Rachel." She had replied to him.
"I want the old Rachel, the one with the argyle sweaters whose passion is to sing not to be popular. I know she's there under that cheerleading uniform." He said in one breath. "I miss her. We all miss her."
"Who misses her?" She felt angry. "This week, for the first time, Quinn smiled at me. I went shopping with Mercedes last week-end. Apparently, she suddenly realized that I "ain't so bad after all" when I "shut the hell up". Who misses me Finn? Who? You? Let me laugh! Why did you leave me if you liked me so much?"
"Rachel! You know it's not-"
She had stormed out of the room before hearing the end of the sentence. Tears were pouring down her cheeks. Nothing made any sense. She was popular. She wasn't supposed to feel sad or angry. She was supposed to be happy. Even though it wasn't something she did as regularly as she used to, she ran towards the choir room and sat at the piano. She played her pain, she sang her pain as she cried and cried and cried for what seemed eternity.
"Hey!" A small voice interrupted her at some point.
Rachel had wiped her tears and turned on herself to find Brittany standing in the doorway.
"Are you crying?" The tall girl asked her softly.
"No…" The small diva replied shakily.
"Oh! You're just like San. You don't like people to know what you're feeling." Brittany replied with a large smile. "It's so adorable!"
"I'm not like Santana!" Rachel spat viciously.
"Well, with that Cheerio uniform, you kind of look like her from behind. That's why I came in actually I thought it was San but then I remembered she doesn't play piano so it didn't make any sense."
Rachel huffed.
"I thought you two weren't speaking anymore."
Brittany lowered her gaze. She opened and closed her mouth a few times. Her face turned into a frown and her arms crossed gawkily over her chest.
"You're right. That's why I was just planning on watching her." The words seemed to catch in her throat. "She doesn't want to speak with me. She's mad at me."
Rachel couldn't help it. When she heard Brittany, she jumped on her feet and walked toward the girl. All of her pain had gone away and was replaced by an obsessive curiosity.
"Why?" She whispered eagerly. "Why is she mad at you?"
"I don't know. She just-"Brittany took a deep breath. "She doesn't want to talk about it so I don't know and it's kind of suck 'cause she's my best friend and I like her so very much, you know?"
Rachel sighed and nodded before turning towards the door to leave.
"I know she speaks to you now."The childlike girl said from behind her. "Did she say anything about me?"
For a moment, the small singer contemplated telling the poor girl the truth. Of course, Santana didn't speak of her but, every time Brittany wasn't looking, dark brown eyes would set on her screaming desperately to be loved.
"She needs time!" She could have said but she didn't.
"She's lost without you." Someone else would have said but Rachel didn't.
Instead, she gave her an apologetic smile.
"No, I'm sorry, she didn't."