Author's Note: Okay, first off, sorry for the huge delay on this chapter. I've been incredibly busy, and to ease my inactivity, I've decided to post this next chapter in two parts. Hopefully there won't be as big of a time gap next time. But anyway, thanks for sticking with the story, and as always, read, review, and enjoy!
Chapter 7 (part 1): A Teacher's Advice
Naruto awoke the next morning in a hospital bed, exhausted and stripped down to his boxers, without any real memory of how he had gotten there. The first things he noticed, aside from his location, were the bandages wrapped around his torso and right hand. The second was that his old teacher was sitting at his bedside.
"Good morning, Naruto."
"Gah!"
Okay, so maybe Kakashi had assisted him in the second realization.
After the initial shock had worn off, Naruto blinked his eyes and stared openly at his old sensei, trying to fit the pieces back together. Suddenly, his memory of the previous night flooded his mind, and he was pulled into a depression so deep that he had trouble finding the energy to properly address Kakashi. To bide himself some time, Naruto glanced around the room, trying to fill in the gaps of his memory. His painted fox mask sat on the bedside table to his left, a small crack running from the forehead to the left eye socket. Ah, yes, he seemed to remember throwing it at the wall, but he hadn't realized that he had put so much force behind his throw. Next he noticed that his ANBU uniform had been cleaned and folded next to the mask. All the blood—the evidence—of Sasuke's death had been wiped clean. Running a hand over himself, he also realized that the blood that had stained his skin and hair had been cleaned as well. How long had he been out?
Slowly turning his head back to his old sensei, Naruto found him patiently waiting for him to pull himself back together, something close to pity in his eye. "Kakashi-sensei . . ." Naruto started, surprised at how hollow his voice sounded. Kakashi nodded in response. Naruto's eyes shied away from his, flicked over his own clean and bandaged body, and then reluctantly returned. "What happened?"
Sighing softly, as if it pained him to recount the series of events, Kakashi folded his hands in his lap and leaned his elbows on his knees. "You passed out last night, mostly from exhaustion, but you were wounded as well," he explained calmly.
Naruto furrowed his brow. For a second he considered telling Kakashi that all the blood had been Sasuke's, but then he glanced at the bandages and thought twice about it. Still, he could not recount suffering from any injuries. "Wounded?"
Kakashi nodded. "You had internal bleeding as well as a punctured lung," he explained, pointing to the bandages around Naruto's torso. "And on a less serious note, your right hand looked like it had been burned quite badly. After you passed out, Sakura brought you in here and oversaw the healing of the remainder of your injuries. She was still here when I came in."
Unfortunately, Naruto began to remember everything Kakashi had said. He recounted the bursting pain near his ribs and the electrical shock to his hand when he had first attempted to pull Sasuke's sword from his bleeding body. As for the passing out . . . he remembered crying with Sakura in the hall—his distressed tears sometimes interrupted by more serious fits of sobs—and growing limper and quieter in her hold until he felt nothing. The last thing he remembered was the scent of her hair and the feeling of her wet tears drying against his neck. And of course, he remembered the overwhelming feeling of despair, the all-consuming hopelessness that accompanied such a tragedy. He wondered if he'd ever manage to pick up the pieces of himself enough to move on. After all, he had still been trying to get over Sasuke's betrayal from seven years ago . . . and this seemed much more serious.
Kakashi sat quietly while Naruto pondered all this. For a moment, Naruto wondered if he had been sent to tell him the final outcome of Sasuke's struggle to live . . . wait, no, that wasn't correct. His struggle to die. But though he knew the outcome in his mind, just as he had known it when he had first lifted Sasuke's lifeless head in his hands, he wasn't sure if he could handle hearing it aloud just yet. To further distract himself, Naruto tried to change topics.
"So where is Sakura now?"
Kakashi straightened slightly in his seat and immediately answered, "I sent her home. She told me that she had been working an all night shift and was just getting ready to leave when you came in. That, coupled with the emotional toll . . . well, she needed a break."
Naruto's hands clenched around the sheets. His despair had given way to anger, and he wasn't really sure why. Kakashi had no right to send Sakura away. She was supposed to be here, with him, helping him get through this. She couldn't just leave him with this burden that he wasn't ready—or ever would be ready—to handle. It wasn't fair. He didn't stop to think that Sakura had been with him, as Kakashi had previously stated, but he had been too incapacitated to notice.
Taking a deep breath, Naruto tried to calm himself. It didn't work too well.
"When will she be back?" he asked, keeping his eyes focused on his hands so he would not have to see Kakashi evaluating him with a quizzical gaze.
Kakashi paused before answering, "I'm not sure."
This shouldn't have annoyed Naruto as much as it did. His hands trembled, and he wondered how long he'd be forced to endure this. With a cruel twist of irony, he realized that his predicament was painfully similar to his hospital stint after the Valley of the End. He tried not to think about it.
There was a long silence throughout the room. Naruto didn't know what to say. Quite frankly, everything seemed redundant and unwelcome, and he didn't want to end up shouting, as he feared he would the second he opened his mouth.
So Kakashi took it upon himself to start the conversation once more. "How are you feeling?"
Naruto knew that the question was posed from a medical point of view, but he couldn't help but feel as if Kakashi wanted to check on his mental health as well. Things were so complicated now. He was a volcano about to burst with all of his suppressed emotions, but the last thing he wanted to do was bring them to the surface. It was a lose-lose situation. But still, Kakashi needed an answer. "I'm fine," Naruto mumbled towards his sheets and ran a hand over his ribs.
Kakashi surveyed him with his one visible eye that was just as perceptive as the one he kept hidden. "Are you sure? I understand if you want to talk—"
"I said I'm fine!" Naruto cut him off, surprised by his own volume. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw Kakashi straighten completely in his seat, his expression unflinching. Always so calm, wasn't he? Even now, when everything had finally fallen apart. Naruto was envious of and sickened by his composure. He could feel a lecture coming on. Kakashi would sigh and pat his shoulder as he preached about the burdens of being a shinobi or some shit like that. He didn't think that he could bear it, so Naruto beat him to the punch. "You talk like you understand everything that happened last night, but you weren't even here. Sakura and I needed you, and you weren't here," he spewed off without thought. Naruto knew that he was out of line, but he didn't care. He needed to get this anger off his chest before it consumed him, body and soul. Holding back tears of anger, he continued, "You've been gone for so long. You weren't even there when we found him four years ago!" Why was he bringing that up? Naruto knew that Kakashi had been hospitalized . . . so why? "Did you not care? I was the only one left. I was the only one left who was trying to find him! And now . . . and now . . ."
Naruto's anger slowly drained away, but his fists would not stop gripping the sheets. It was almost as if he feared that if he let go of his grip of something tangible, he would lose himself all together. The silence in the room was broken only by his labored breathing, and when he chanced a glance at Kakashi, he was still watching him silently. But this time, the pity had been replaced with something else. Something harder.
"Are you finished?" he asked, and Naruto almost flinched. Admonished, but still supportive of his words, Naruto nodded. Kakashi sighed in response, his hard gaze melting. "I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner, but I assure you, Naruto, I came as soon as I was informed," Kakashi explained, his voice softening along with his expression.
Again, Naruto nodded. Of course. It had been pure chance that Sakura had been at the hospital. Even the Hokage—the most influential individual of the village—had needed a few minutes before she was able to make it to the scene. Besides, if what Kakashi had said had been true, Naruto had probably already passed out by the time the message had even been delivered to Kakashi. He had no right to be angry about something that was out of both of their control.
For a moment, Naruto thought that Kakashi was simply going to stop there, but he kept going. "Sometimes, Naruto . . . I think you forget that you were not the only one close to Sasuke."
Naruto had half a mind to exclaim that that was not true, but his other half respected Kakashi too much to further insult him. Over the years, Naruto had mastered the art of determining Kakashi's expressions from what he saw from a single eye. At least, he liked to think he had. But this expression was hard to make out. Kakashi seemed contemplative and perhaps . . . nostalgic? But there was something else, too. It was almost as if disclosing such personal thoughts saddened him. Naruto couldn't remember ever seeing Kakashi truly upset. Kakashi had scolded him plenty of times, sure, but he never cried or even raised his voice unless it was a life-or-death situation, and sometimes, not even then.
"Sasuke was my student. I gave him everything I thought he would need to become a promising shinobi." Here, Kakashi paused, and Naruto stared at him openly, waiting patiently for more. "But even with my guidance . . . I couldn't stop him. I even gave him a tool for revenge, the very tool that he would use to meet his end." Kakashi's voice was even and soft, but Naruto imagined that the voice of any lesser man would be trembling. A montage of crackling lightning flashed through Naruto's mind, quickly followed by the arc of Sasuke's katana and the unforgiving squelch of it colliding with flesh. He screwed his eyes shut to refrain from being sick. But still, Kakashi was not finished. "I did care about Sasuke. While you all were on my team, I even tried to act as a temporary father to him, as Iruka had done for you. I thought I could help him, but I was unsuccessful. If anyone is to be held responsible for his death, it should be me," he continued in his soft, calm voice.
Naruto was mortified. Kakashi couldn't take the blame. It was his alone to shoulder. "K-Kakashi-sensei," Naruto sputtered. "I'm the one who failed the mission. You shouldn't—"
"Naruto," Kakashi interrupted. Suddenly, his voice had regained its original volume and tone, and Naruto was forced—from nothing more than habit—to hush and listen. "You didn't fail. You did everything you could, and that's important for you to understand. Losing a teammate isn't easy, but it's something that every shinobi must deal with at some point in their life."
As much as he wanted to argue, Naruto grudgingly nodded and bowed his head. Why was it that he was prepared to die at any moment for the sake of the ones he loved, but couldn't even begin to accept the idea of them dying in his place? Despite his desire to be comforted by the words Kakashi had said, his nagging desire to disagree finally won in the end. "I could have been faster," Naruto murmured towards the sheets. His hands started shaking—oh, God, it was happening again—and he gripped the sheets harder in hopes that Kakashi wouldn't notice. It was all in vain, though. He knew Kakashi saw everything. "I could have realized what he was doing and detained him early. I could . . . I could have rushed forward and taken the blow for him. I knew something was wrong. If I had just made the connection sooner . . . I would have had time." Naruto's voice started shaking along with his hands, and it became difficult for him to see the sheets through the blanket of tears that threatened to fall at the slightest provocation.
This time, Kakashi didn't sigh. Instead, he calmly extended his left hand and placed it on Naruto's shoulder. Though he didn't look up, the simple touch helped ease his shaking. Naruto bit his lip and allowed two wet drops to plop down onto the back of his hand. Then, taking in a ragged breath, he slowly regained control of himself.
"You can't live your life focusing on the 'what ifs'. They'll eat you alive," Kakashi counseled calmly.
"Y-yes, sensei." Even after all these years, Naruto had never dropped the honorary suffix. Though he was now considered Kakashi's equal in rank, and though Kakashi had often hinted that Naruto may have surpassed him in power, Naruto could never ignore the fact that Kakashi was wiser than him several times over. That, in itself, was an invaluable quality. Besides, he could only imagine where he would be if it were not for Kakashi's guidance over the years.
After Jiraiya's death, Kakashi had been the one to step in as a temporary father. He had been the one to tell him about his father, claiming that it was high time he knew about his heritage. He had given Naruto one of his father's old scrolls detailing the execution of the Hiraishin, along with the three-pronged kunai that he had held only a few hours prior. But perhaps most importantly, he had given Naruto a picture of his parents, both grinning foolishly like only two people in love could. It was Naruto's most treasured possession and one of the few pictures that he owned. Tsunade had been furious when she heard that Kakashi had revealed the identities of Naruto's parents to him—she claimed that it had not been any one person's right to disclose such information—but Kakashi had taken the heat without complaint.
A small silence hung in the air as he recounted all this, but once Kakashi deemed it appropriate to continue, he said, "Sometimes we think that self-sacrifice is the better option. But sometimes . . . even that isn't enough." For a moment, a brief image of Kakashi's scarred left eye ran through Naruto's mind, and he wondered if he was still referring to Sasuke. "Also, it's important to realize that the circumstances for Sasuke's death were different. Sasuke didn't die from an enemy's attack or because you failed to protect him. As much as we wish it wasn't true, Sasuke wanted to die, and we must accept that."
It was painful hearing what he knew in his head be expressed through Kakashi's words. It made the fact inescapable. Sasuke had wanted to die . . . but . . . but . . . "But why? Why would he want to die? I don't understand," Naruto mumbled helplessly and held his head in his hands.
"We can never truly know his reasons. But knowing Sasuke's personality, we can only assume that they must have been incredibly serious for him to go to such lengths," Kakashi mused, and Naruto had no choice but to agree.
Again, Naruto's mind was plagued with doubt. Had retrieving Sasuke really been the right path, or was forcing him to return to Konoha truly a fate worse than death? Or had it been killing his brother that had finally sent Sasuke over the edge? He could never be sure, not now.
After Naruto had given another silent nod, Kakashi continued, "But maybe it is better this way." Here he paused to see if Naruto would contradict him. Naruto lifted his head and gave Kakashi a quizzical look, demanding to know how he could say such a thing. "Perhaps Sasuke has finally found peace. He had a difficult life, like most shinobi, and he took the path that he thought was best. Plus, by committing Seppuku . . ." Kakashi paused and looked away, as if saying the very name had wounded him. Once again, Naruto wondered if Kakashi was still referring to Sasuke. Clearing his throat and raising his head to look at Naruto once again, Kakashi continued, "It was the most honorable death he could manage."
Somehow, this didn't make Naruto feel any better. So what if Sasuke had died honorably? He had still died. But the more he thought about it, the more he started to agree with the inevitability of Kakashi's words. Yes . . . maybe, in the end, this was all he could do for Sasuke. Maybe all he could do was stand aside and give Sasuke the only thing he could: fulfillment through death.
"I guess . . . I guess you're right, sensei," he managed to say. Yes, he could accept this. He could alleviate the blame, if only for a while, in hopes that Sasuke had somehow found peace through his decision. Besides, hadn't his main goal been to give Sasuke a life of happiness? He may not have been able to provide him a life, but at least he had given him happiness. Of course, this didn't mean that he was pleased with the situation—who could expect him to be?—or completely emotionally stable. Even knowing that death had been Sasuke's ideal choice, Naruto knew that if he could, he would have saved him. He hadn't been ready to give Sasuke up, and he doubted that he ever would.
There was another long pause between them in which Kakashi returned his arm to his side and Naruto continued to stare at the sheets. Finally, Naruto said, "We'll need to make funeral arrangements."
Naruto could have been imagining things, but he swore he saw a small smile twinkle in Kakashi's eye. "Yes, you're right."
"It should be small. I don't want people who weren't directly in contact with Sasuke to attend. I don't want there to be any chance of anyone trying to defile his grave because of his desertion," Naruto continued in a hollow voice. It only seemed natural that he should be the one to set up the funeral. All of Sasuke's relatives were dead, and he had been his brother . . . in everything but blood. "He wouldn't want that. He wouldn't want people to be there unless they actual gave a damn about him. He wouldn't want them to come out of political ties or something," he explained. Surprisingly enough, Kakashi agreed.
"Those sound like fine terms," Kakashi said with a small, comforting nod. "But you need your rest. I can handle all the necessary arrangements." With that being said, Kakashi stood and ruffled Naruto's mess of blond hair with his hand. Naruto smiled despite himself, and swatted the offensive hand away. "Is there anything else you need from me?"
Though he was caught a bit off guard by the question, Naruto thought hard about his answer. After a few moments, the answer was clear. "Kakashi-sensei," he began a little hesitantly. When he nodded for him to continue, Naruto asked, "Why did you quit the ANBU?"
Now it was Kakashi's turn to ponder his answer. His expression—or, his right eye—softened, and his shoulders sagged under the weight of the old memories. "I suppose I realized that my talents were needed elsewhere," Kakashi alluded, but to no avail.
Naruto furrowed his brow and frowned in confusion. He had never been one to interpret cryptic meanings. "What do you mean?" he implored his old teacher to explain.
Searching for words, Kakashi scratched the back of his head until he finally found a second explanation. "As a member of the ANBU, you are expected to carry out very dangerous assignments for the village's sake." Naruto nodded in response; everyone knew that. "Though this can include a number of things, it mostly includes assassinations. I know you, Naruto, and while we have some major differences, I feel like you'll come to the same conclusion I did," Kakashi paused, choosing his words carefully. His gaze traveled over the room, but Naruto imagined Kakashi was looking at something far beyond the four walls. "No matter how justified your actions are, no matter how many lives you save, no matter how much it benefits the village . . . killing will not bring you peace," Kakashi concluded and allowed his eye to land on Naruto once more.
His face paling, Naruto immediately responded, "I didn't kill him."
The pity resurfaced in Kakashi's expression. "I know you didn't," he responded, just as Sakura had. "That's not what I was referring to . . . I think you know that."
Naruto nodded sheepishly. Yes, he thought he did know, but the event was still so fresh in his mind—it threatened to burst through his conscience at any moment—that it was hard to think of anything else. Recognizing his inner turmoil, Kakashi lightly grasped Naruto's shoulder once more and gave him what would have been a warm smile had his mask not obscured his face.
"You'll get through this. It may not seem like it now, but you will. Those who care about you, who've been by your side for all of this, they're still here for you. That much hasn't changed," Kakashi assured him. After giving his shoulder one small squeeze, Kakashi returned his hand to his side and said, "Now get some rest."
For perhaps the first time that day, a true smile touched Naruto's face. "Thank you, sensei . . . for everything," he said and watched as Kakashi smiled, waved, and exited the room.
To be continued . . .