"You lock down your emotions, you're capable of great passion if you'd just let yourself go. But you won't, not until you redeem yourself, make the wrong things right. But how can you hope to do that? You can't bring your sister back…."
"You are a cruel man, aren't you?"
You'd grin at her own words. It's kind of… sad, or maybe ironic, really. And as soon as your eyes meet, you understand it. She isn't such a good investigator, isn't as good as she thinks she is. She got it all wrong.
She thinks she knows everything. But she doesn't know a single thing.
You weren't really even talking about her-or maybe you were, and didn't understood who the real subject of the sentence was until too late- after all, as good as you are at reading others, at dealing with the emotions of others, you've never been too good with yourself, or the ones who are actually supposed to mean something to you.
It's you. It's all about you. It's been all about you since… well, lately, it's been a lot about you.
Not three years ago, you told Lisbon you didn't mind getting killed if it meant getting Red John. You told her your life didn't matter, because, basically, you were merely existing, a body left with no soul- if there's a soul- left with nothing after you world had been ripped apart.
Now, you're not so sure any longer.
You care about your… family, about your friends, it's just easier staying away, pretending not to care, because if you don't care, they'll not as well, and no one will get hurt. And you don't want for them to get hurt. You couldn't deal with it, wouldn't survive.
Even if…
Even if, lately, you are wishing to live once again. You told Carter as well as much: once Red John will be done and dealt with, you'll find someone to love, you'll create a new family to add to the one that will never leave your heart, and the kiss to Erika Flynn… it didn't mean anything on an emotional level, connected to the one you were kissing, at least, but the act itself meant the world.
You still desire, crave human contact, a warm body beneath yours. You want the physical as much as the emotional connection. And you've never see that coming.
And as scary as it is, you still crave it, want it, can't wait to have it back. Not now, maybe, because there's still too much at stake (Red John, Darcy thinking you are either Red John himself, one of his associates or working for him), but one day…
You've never been too sure, but you've decided you are allowed to dream a little dream about such things, every now and there.
The smile appears without even thinking about it, honest as it has never been before, and the words slip through your lips on their own volition.
"I missed you."