"N" SEEK

Brendan stood there and took it, he owed Ste that. He didn't move a muscle, didn't flinch as Ste repeatedly hit him in the chest. Pummelled him. Punched out his rage.

His disappointment.

His disappointment in him.

He could see the tears of frustration that clung to Ste's fan-like lashes. They threatened to cause their own tsunami. Wave after wave of emotion was washing over Ste, and his contours could barely manage to contain them.

Brendan knew that this was a necessary step in the whole "break up, make up" scenario but to be honest he was… well, bored.

He'd tried to pay some attention to the gabbled words and the half-choked sounds that Ste made, but Ste had flown at him with such speed and ferocity, that by the time Brendan had managed to play catch-up, he'd missed the first Act and just thought he'd wait until the interval now to ask for a recap.

Not that Ste had seemed to notice. He was so caught up in his own private vortex, he could have played to an empty auditorium and not paid any heed to the lack of applause.

Brendan flexed his core muscles, they could do with the extra support, Ste had become fixated on his third and fourth ribs and Brendan needed to focus on his happy place if he was to make it through this.

"Spineless shit, gutless wonder , lily-livered, yellow-bellied coward!"

"Anything else Stephen?"

"God, even now you're not taking this seriously are ya?. You think this is a joke don'tcha? Am I a joke to you?"

"Stephen, 'course not. Don't be silly."

Ste exploded further.

"Silly. So now I'm silly? Do you really think that condescension is the best way to go right now?

Silly, stupid Ste, always getting his knickers in a twist over us; over nothing."

"I never said stupid."

"No but you were thinking it weren't ya? You were thinking, what does he know about feelings? About things that matter? The stupid scruffy lad from the council estate. The chav that was dragged up. He can barely read, so that must mean he can barely understand."

"I really hope I'm not paying you by the word Stephen."

Bam.

That last remark earned Brendan a well-aimed blow to the collarbone. Brendan had to take a step back to absorb the blow, his eyes began to water.

Time to change tactics.

"Stephen" he said, grabbing hold of his arms to achieve some sort of respite from the damage that was being done.

"Stephen. Look at me."

Ste made sure his head remained resolutely pointed towards the floor. Brendan had to bow his head in order to make eye contact.

"Stephen, you are nowhere near a joke to me, trust me on this. I had to go with Mitzeee, It was business, and she is officially my girlfriend,"

"So, I'm your boy…"

"Don't say it." Brendan implored.

"…friend."

Brendan began to dry-heave. Even if it was true, the word aggravated his stomach lining.

"So now I make you sick. Thanks a lot."

Brendan growled out loud.

"You're making this very difficult."

Ste raised his head.

"I'm making this difficult? I'm not the one hiding under the fur coats in the back of the closet."

"This again."

"Yes, this again, Brendan please just come out. This pretence makes no sense. It's killing me."

"Not gonna happen."

"Why not? Do you prefer your girlfriend to me? Ste wrenched himself out of Brendan's grasp. He took a step back and cocked his head to one side, copying Brendan's usual stance. He continued in a low measured tone.

"So when we're in bed and you're in the throes and you're pleading with me, (Ste mimicked Brendan).

Please Stephen please.

"When your dick is buried balls deep in my arse - do you still wish you were with Mitzeee? With a woman?"

"No Stephen."

"So come out then."

"NO STEPHEN!"

Brendan wasn't sure if it was his head spinning or the room, but his nausea was definitely on the move.

He slumped down onto a chair and placed his head in his hands. Even though Ste was ready to throw bricks at him, his first thought was to offer comfort.

His man needed him.

Ste knelt down beside Brendan and took his hands in his.

"Ye know I hate fighting with you, don't ye?"

Brendan offered up a weak chuckle,

"You do it so well regardless."

Ste laughed and kissed both of Brendan's hands, one at a time.

"Do that again." Brendan asked softly.

So Ste did.

"Gissa 'nother kiss" he drawled his eyes heating up.

"Here" he indicated, tilting his chin up, presenting his lips.

Ste wasted no time in climbing onto Brendan's lap, and planting the first of a host of kisses on his mouth.

It felt good to be friends again. It felt good to nip at the flesh that brought him so much pleasure again.

Brendan evidently felt the same way, because he had slipped his tongue into Ste's mouth and was swirling patterns onto the roof of it. Ste's lips laughed around this activity. He actually gurgled with delight.

Losing himself in Ste, brought about an obvious reaction in Brendan. It took Ste awhile to realise that he was sitting on more than Brendan's lap.

"Aww does little Bren want to come out to play?" He joked.

"Hey, less of the little." Brendan quickly retorted.

Ste smirked as he wriggled around to find a position that would allow him full access to Brendan.

It was times like this, he was glad he was ambidextrous. As Brendan reclined his head back, and completely exposed his throat, Ste thought that this was the most relaxed he had seen him in a week. He took advantage and held his Adam's apple in a vice of teeth, licking all that he had captured.

Brendan's approval rumbled through his chest like thunder.

Soon Brendan was panting. His gullet was beginning to make incoherent noises. He was arching his back and leaning closer and closer to Ste. To Ste's hand in particular.

So Ste removed it.

It took less than a second for Brendan to register the loss of stimulation.

"I can't go on like this; this needs to be sorted." Ste said.

"What, wha the?" Brendan was utterly disorientated.

He felt as though he was trying to pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time; and his ears didn't work for some reason. What was Stephen talking about now?

"What's going on? Stephen come back to me."

"No, I mean it Bren. I need to be more than this. I am more than this."

Brendan was trying to force his heart rate to slow down faster. All his nerve endings had been heading for jubilation and now they were having to re-route themselves. He wasn't as young as he once was, these things now took time.

In anger he lashed out verbally.

"What are you fifteen? Hot, cold, on, off ? Make your mind up Stephen and stop pissing around."

"Me make me mind up? That's rich coming from you. All I want is an open, honest, out relationship and all you wanna do, is hide out in the attic. Well I've had it up to here."

Ste indicated his head.

"I don't want everything, but sometimes it would be nice to have something."

"We have something Stephen. We have each other."

"I don't have you, not really. It's not good what we have Bren. It's not healthy. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well that's bollocks; what doesn't kill you, maims."

Brendan couldn't understand what the big deal was. All his life he had been told that what he desired was pure filth, disgusting, tainted. He had tried to believe this too. Tried to take on the same mindset of those who were raising him. His body had other ideas though. It was aflame around men. Ecstatic to be near other boys. It would not calm down, not even when he was hanging out with his friends.

It had been a hard fought battle, but in the end a truce had been reached with his psyche. As long as he was discreet, covert, undercover. As long as he only occupied the extreme peripheral vision of others, he could exist. No-one said any about happiness.

If this was obvious to him, why was Stephen so determined to buck the system?

It worked.

It was working.

So why?

"You want a fairytale, with hearts and flowers, presents and chocolates. Well life's not like that son. Grow up."

"What's wrong with presents and chocolates. What's wrong with a bit of appreciation?

Brendan saw an opening, a way of getting back to their interrupted activities.

He gently took hold of Ste's head and brushed his cheeks, chin and lips with his own lips.

"I'll be your chocolate Stephen.

I'm sweet.

I'll coat your throat."

His voice was so low, it buzzed like machinery.

Ste was nobody's fool and pushed Brendan back with two fingers.

"Sorry, you're not one of my five-a-day."

Exasperated Brendan exclaimed.

"What do you want from me?"

"I've realised nothing now, because what I want you cannot or will not give me, so I open my hands.

I release you."

Brendan watched his heart swirl towards the plug hole, before it disappeared anticlockwise down the drain. He was in the wrong hemisphere, the wrong time zone. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be hearing this.

"I love you Stephen."

"So you keep saying Brendan, but you can't use that as a get-out-of-jail free card.

It doesn't give you Carte Blanche to treat me like crap. As though I don't exist.

You keep saying you love me and you're the only person who'll ever love me like you do, but I'm not so sure.

I'll take my chances.

You're not my only option Mr Brady."

With tears in his eyes, Ste stepped out of Brendan's embrace and walked out of the room. He had to fight his natural impulse to slam the door behind him, like the teenager Brendan accused him of being.

-OOO-

Ste made his way home with a heavy heart. He sadly thought of his predicament. He felt that Brendan's love was like a heat haze. Hot, oppressive, claustrophobic and forever out of reach.

He was beginning to feel that he would always be a hopeless case.

The man who wouldn't love.

Tragic.

-OOO-

Brendan was left alone with his thoughts. In all honesty he wished they had left along with Ste, his scalp and his brain itched with questions and justifications.

What Ste was proposing was preposterous wasn't it?

He was too keen, too insistent.

He wanted kisses and touches and promises. He wanted to come out from underneath the covers where he and Brendan lived. Where Brendan would whisper I love you, you're mine against his skin and hope that Ste would recognise the message from the outline of his lips, his tongue providing the full stop, his heart providing the page.

Brendan pondered on this.

Daylight and disclosure would destroy this. He had to protect this from the light at all costs.

It was for Stephen's own good, wasn't it?

-OOO-

Comments are always appreciated.