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My Changes Begin

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One might think that my conquering of the Labyrinth and becoming its Champion, out-witting the Goblin King while refusing his disturbing offer, and making other worldly friends would've given me an inner peace and security, but alas it only seemed to accentuate my differences once I returned to my world. I made few Aboveground friends therefore, for the next few years, I continued to call on my Labyrinth friends. But things drastically changed once I turned eighteen.

This mystical number signified my physical, if not mental and emotional, maturity and I was quite suddenly and frustratingly unable to make contact with Hoggle, Didymus, or Ludo through my vanity mirror, regardless of the fervency of my calls. Being my only true friends, this greatly distressed me as you can well imagine. No answers were forthcoming for some time, and ultimately I sought mundane sources of friendship in the form of boys, as girls my age never appeared to care for me. I didn't mind; I rather didn't care to know most of the simpering teens either.

The day after my eighteenth birthday, approximately halfway through my senior year, another small incident of change occurred. Of course, at the time I didn't realize it for what it was and only later did I fully understand its significance. But who would think anything unusual about an owl perched low in the sprawling oak tree of their yard? Perhaps if the owl roosted there during daylight hours, or had followed me home from school, or some other nonsense I would've thought it odd, but it was just a common barn owl in the early evening hours intently staring at me while I took the trash out at Karen's command. Years later I would remember the owl's eyes were mismatched blue and brown, and by then I would be far too committed to my destiny to care.

Also in my senior year, I'd come to grips with the truth that my real mother was not in the way of rescuing me. In fact, I'd not seen or heard from her other than shallow gestures on birthdays and Christmas. You might think this acceptance would lighten my heart to my new life, perhaps it should have, but it only served to strengthen my resolve to escape as I saw my limited choices hemming me in.

My prolific imagination remained a source of diversion for me, fairytales of the abused princess, especially by the evil step-mother, being my favorites tales of woe. Is it any wonder I became Queen ... but I digress. Why couldn't I reconcile my heart with my reality? I would've changed so much if I could've settled myself, resigned my heart and emotions to my jail.

Ah, well ... I suppose my need for love and acceptance dug an infinite abyss in my heart for I had limited experience with adults granting me either. Coupled with my extreme sense of powerlessness over my own life, these needs gnawed until I would do anything to fulfill them. The proverbial 'grass is always greener' a possibly constantly lurking at the edge of my vision. I only know with certainty that a constant dissatisfaction, a great emptiness, a void consumed me every year since I defeated the Goblin King. Worsening as I aged, it chewed at the boundaries of my soul.

Typically, as with most teens in high school, I started dating but I started later than most. Sometime during my seventeen year, since I hadn't encouraged attention from boys earlier, I began flirting in earnest. Because of the strange blankness inside, I craved love and attention, but oddly enough not friendships or normal social connections. I could spend days without speaking with any person then suddenly need the attention of whichever boy I happened to be casually dating at the time. This conflicting obsessive behavior led me to make poor relationship choices, if they could be called relationships. I nearly lost my virginity several times but some reason always held me back at the last. I honestly don't remember the boys' names, just that the experiences left me feeling ... well ... feeling something more than the emptiness for a time.

Ironically, I would've continued seeking that feeling until I earned a very insulting name at school, but before then another strange thing created a change in my life. It occurred about a month after my eighteenth birthday while I was in the back seat during a date with another random boy striving for that feeling again. By happenstance — or so I thought at the time — I looked up from the boy's bland visage (really he was rather uninteresting physically and in personality) and saw a pair of intensely glowing eyes of mismatched blue and brown staring at me through the side window over the boy's shoulder.

I screamed, pushed the nameless boy off, and scrambled upright on the bench seat grasping my clothing to my upper torso nudity. When I pointed to the window and explained to him what I saw, the eyes had disappeared and my very frustrated date didn't believe me.

"Geez, Sarah. What the hell's your problem?"

"I swear there was a pair of glowing eyes staring at me!" I insisted as I redressed to his disappointed glare.

"You sure you're not tripping?" He asked me knowing full well I abhorred drugs.

"I wasn't hallucinating, they were real! Just floating in mid-air outside the window!" Strangely, I was desperate that he believe me.

"Okay, whatever." He leaned back over me trying to work my shirt back off, but I felt a sudden and novel sense of shame and knew I couldn't remain with him and most certainly couldn't date him again. "Let's just get back to business." He cajoled, his whine grating on my nerves. Suddenly, I'd forgotten why I'd found him so attraction.

"Let's not, just take me home," I said firmly while pulling my shirt back into place.

He stared at me as if I were a Martian speaking Jive, total incomprehension. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, night's over. Home. Now." I pulled away from him and crawled into the front passenger seat, settling myself and resolutely ignoring him until he cussed a few choice words, followed me then started the car.

"This is such bullshit," he mumbled.

I didn't care as long as he complied with my wish and drove me home. He did and thirty minutes later I was safely walking back through my parents' front door home. I never saw him again outside of school.

I heard him gun his car, expressing his anger as he sped away. I didn't care about that either, because as much as those eyes frightened me I gradually noticed my usually searing void eased for the first since it began. Those freakish eyes called to something inside of me, something I'd left behind.

But they terrified me, too.

I stopped dating. I lost interest even though boys continued to ask me out. Apparently between my dramatically dark good looks and growing reputation, I'd been on the high school boys' top ten list of 'doable girls'. Oddly enough, I wasn't insulted; I just didn't care about that anymore ... well at least not with high school boys.

It did make graduating easier as I focused on my school work and turned my C's into B' and my B's into A's practically overnight. This feat stunned my step-mother, as she never believed in my scholastic abilities and was vociferously vocal against me whenever an opportunity presented itself. At last, she possessed no words to denounce me, not in this at least.

My father, well what can I say about my father, he seemed pleased about my focus on my studies, but proud would be too strong a word as he never actually told me. He merely smiled wanly when I presented my improved report card and Karen sputtered her surprise. Those days he only had eyes for Toby, the embodiment of his new life and future.

I was his past, his failure and I felt it in his lack of parenting. Soon, I told myself, in a few weeks graduation would arrive and I would leave the house of my father and begin my true life as an adult ... or so I thought.

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