I'm worried for my sanity. I'm afraid it might be lonely, wherever it is... I have IB Mock Exams for the next week and I finally got my exchange things in, so busyness! I might not update for a while, again, so see ya all!
Ok, recently, I've been smashing the 4th wall to tiny little bits. Well, I hope to get any and all 4th wall involved rules out of yours and my systems, so any rules involving these will have to be in the next chapter, where the 4th wall will be repaired. Hopefully.
With other things, rule ideas are welcome! If you want to see a rule, just put it in a review or PM me. And I shall do my best. Speaking of which, I'm sorry I didn't get your rule right, Fountainofroses! I'll try writing a Lou Fa one in a latter chapter.
Thank you to everyone who has ever Reviewed, Favorited, Alerted, or even read this fic!
Now, much thanks to the following people: Yami-Chan-123 for rules 93, 95, 97, 98, 99, Fountainofroses for rule 91, and finally, WouldBeExorcist for the beginning story (she wrote it for you guys! Thank her! Grovel, you humble fools!) and rules 100, and 101.
"Let me go, you stupid Noah girl!"
"No way, Kan-chan!" Road replied sweetly.
Kanda had been trying to meditate (not even becoming an 8-year-old would keep him from his daily routine) when Road had slipped a noose around his middle and started dragging him to her room.
"Don't call me that!" he bellowed.
She skipped merrily up the stairs, Kanda thudding into each one painfully after her. With a gleeful twirl she opened her door, shoved Kanda inside and locked the door.
Lavi was enjoying his steak. Link was enjoying his cake. Allen was enjoying his everything. For once, there were no Noah singing horrific songs, Kanda was not about to kill someone, Komui was actually working and not complaining or making some destructive experiment, and everyone was getting along. All was right with the world.
"SWEET JESUS, RUN FOR YOU LIIIIVES!" screamed Road, charging into the dining hall and using a broom to barricade the door. "THE END IS NIGH! REPENT! REPENT!"
Allen groaned. The quiet peace had been so nice.
"Road, please, not now," Lavi moaned. "We're having a break from chaos."
She grabbed the redhead by the shoulders and shook him, staring wildly into his eyes.
"Lavi, just this once, listen to me and run. Everything that has ever hated you is coming here. Specifically, the one person who hates absolutely everything about you is on his way here. For God's sake, run."
Screams started emanating from outside.
"HEEEEERE'S... JOHNNY!" yelled someone, as Johnny's head was bashed through the wooden door. Johnny was limp and covered in bruises.
"J-Johnny!" cried Allen. "Are you ok?!"
"R-run...someone...gave him...sugar..." the scientist moaned, before losing consciousness.
Someone started bashing on the other side of the door, presumably the same person who quoted a movie that wouldn't be made for about a century.
"Road...What did you do..." Lavi said, backing away from the door.
"Apparently, we shouldn't ever make Kanda eat candy," replied the Noah, smiling nervously.
Suddenly the door shuddered as a final kick knocked it off of its hinges, and it slowly fell to the floor, revealing a trail of destruction ending in none other than an eight-year-old, angry, violent Kanda, hyped up on sugar.
"RUN!" someone screamed. Everyone scrambled for the other door. Many people were lost within seconds.
"WHY! WON'T! IT! OPEN!" screeched Lavi, tugging on the door.
"Look down, rabbit."
Lavi looked down. Kanda was leaning in front of the door, blocking it, and staring straight at him. Lavi slowly turned his head. Everyone except for him and Road had been obliterated, without them even realizing it.
"Um...Mercy?" Lavi whimpered.
"Heck no!" replied Kanda, grinning maniacally.
And that's how the Order was destroyed, the Noah (minus their Ninth Apostle) took over the world, and everyone died. The end.
Except, that wasn't quite what happened. But it was quite close.
Lavi closed his eye, waiting for the inevitable. Beside him, Road prepared herself for the same. Sure hope Hell is as nice as Tyki says. Moments passed, then a minute. Nothing had changed. Road opened one eye slowly. She wouldn't put it past Kanda to wait until she and Lavi were lulled into a sense of security to end them. Seeing that nothing had happened and that Kanda had disappeared, Road opened her other eye. She poked Lavi, causing him to open his eye, and began scanning the room for the midget samurai. Lavi glared at her before doing the same. There was no Kanda in sight and the door to the dining hall was now open. Shrugging, Lavi led the way through it. They crept through the halls, carefully surveying each one before walking onward. Automatically, they had begun walking in the direction of the Labs, hoping that Komui would prove to be useful for once, at the very least as a human shield.
It was once they reached the outer corridors surrounding the pit leading to Hevlaska's chamber that Road began to get a strange feeling. She reached out and touched Lavi's arm, causing the poor guy to jump in fright and spin around, reaching for the harness that usually held his Innocence, the Innocence that was in Komui's lab where it was being repaired after Lavi's most recent mission. He shot her an angry look and hissed, "What?"
Road held a finger to her lips and whispered, "I'm getting a bad feeling about this." Lavi nodded in agreement, and they both looked around, once more neglecting to look down.
Kanda giggled. Somewhere, deep inside, he knew he was acting out of character, but couldn't bring himself to care. He reached into his shirt pocket and unwrapped several of the sweets left over from Road's "party". He'd had fun stalking the rabbit and the Noah, but was getting bored. Throwing the wrappers over his shoulder, he stepped out of the corridor and ran up to the only two people left in the upper levels.
Lavi noticed a fast-moving blur coming at him and braced himself for the impact, grabbing Road's hand in warning. She looked toward the shape, recognizing it as Kanda an instant before it collided with them, sending both her and Lavi backwards against the railings. Unfortunately, Lavi's height and weight worked against him, pulling the both of them over the railing and down into the pit. Glancing upwards, Road watched the already diminutive Kanda growing smaller and smaller and she fell down and down. I will survive this. She thought. I will survive this, and I will kill that twerp. I'm the destructive one, and I'm the only one who can kill me. She would think back on this later and decide that her wording made absolutely no sense, even to herself. But for now, she held onto this thought as she and Lavi plummeted deeper into the depths of the Black Order.
With an almighty WHUMPH!, Road and Lavi came to a sudden stop, bouncing off a surprisingly soft surface, and taking flight into the darkness once more. They landed again and bounced slightly, the material beneath them cradling to keep them from falling further.
"Oh my God, we made it to heaven!" Lavi yelled in exhilaration. "Take that, you old panda, my soul is pure!"
Road rolled her eyes and glanced around. Everything was white, and she could feel a warmth from the surface on which she lay. She looked upwards and found herself looking into the face of Hevlaska, the keeper of the Innocence. Road offered a small smile at the being above her and waved her hand weakly. "Hi, Hevlaska! I've heard a lot about you!"
Hevlaska looked at the Noah in shock and confusion, giving Lavi time to realize that he was not yet dead, and more importantly, not in heaven. Then Hevlaska lowered the two onto the ground. "KOMUI!" Hevlaska shouted in a loud voice, causing Road and Lavi to duck and cover their ears. Then a familiar scientist stepped out of the darkness surrounding them and walked over to stand beside Road and Lavi.
"Glad you two are alright." he said to them before addressing Hevlaska. "Yes, my dear?"
Lavi looked disturbed by Komui's greeting, and, judging by Hevlaska's expression, so was she.
"Komui. That one is a Noah."
Komui nodded, smiling. "Yes. And she is quite helpful when dealing with certain visitors."
Hevlaska stared at Road, a peculiar expression on her face. Road grinned up at her, happy to be on solid ground. Beside her, Lavi had slumped to the ground, muttering about pandas and heaven.
Komui looked around him. "Well, I think that's everyone." At Road's questioning look, he explained. "We were all thrown down here by Kanda. He seems to be in an odd mood today."
Road gave him her best innocent look. Lavi looked up at her in terror and resumed his muttering. "Now what?" Road asked Komui.
Komui smiled and pulled his drills out from behind him. "Now we catch Kanda!"
From the darkness, a number of voices chorused, "Not again!". There were also sounds of someone banging their head against a solid surface. Hevlaska's peculiar expression did not change as she surveyed the humans surrounding her. They never learn. She decided. I need a vacation.
88. Do not make Kanda hyper
a) There is a reason he doesn't eat candy
b) Just stop doing stupid things to Kanda
c) You will regret them
Road kidnapped chibi Kanda and gave him candy. Chibi Kanda got hyper. Hyper chibi Kanda is fast, insane, violent, and strong. Not to mention short enough you that you won't notice him until it's too late. It took four hours and several sedatives to recapture him and put him in solitary, where the effects of the candy still hadn't worn off two days later.
89. Let's play a game. Two sets of words, two words each. Kanda clones, bad idea
a) Remember the above rule?
b) Multiple small hyper violent Kandas are very bad
c) They all have a love of sharp shiny objects
Komui was trying to turn Kanda back to how he was. Or so he claimed. Everyone believed he just wanted more test subjects, as the original Kanda had refused. Komui was ordered to get rid of the clones in a humane fashion.
90. Members of the Black Order should not write fan-fictions about other members
a) Frankly, it's disturbing
b) Allen doesn't like it
c) Tyki writes disturbing fan-fiction
d) As do Road and Lavi
For some reason, writing fan-fiction had become something of a hobby among the members of the Black Order. Johnny wrote rather humorous ones. Someone else, * coughTykicough *, wrote rather... questionable ones. Then the Unholy Alliance co-authored a story. Kanda was out for blood.
91. Road is not allowed to sing, FULL STOP
a) When she sings to Allen it's too hard to tell if he's quoting lyrics or asking for help
b) I-tunes doesn't exist yet, so where is this music coming from?
c) And if Yami-chan, WouldBeExorcist, or Accomplice attempt to answer this question, we will sic Kanda on you
Allen began reciting the lyrics to 'Turn Me On', or at least that was the excuse Lavi and Tyki used to explain why they didn't rescue him. Because Allen screaming 'save me, I'm too young to die' wasn't enough of a giveaway. But maybe Road's response of 'touch me, save my life' which had the two guys doubled over in laughter would save them. Seeing as they were already bent double, Lenalee's kick went right over their heads. The first time, that is...
92. If everything is going well on a mission, you're clearly missing something
a) Check behind you
b) Make sure your Black alter-ego isn't planning anything
c) Check your water-bottle for Lulubell
Allen had the worst luck in the world. His mission was going extremely well until some human-form Akuma started following him. Then they made the mistake of challenging him to a game of poker, bringing out Black Allen. Once he realized they were Akuma, he was forced to destroy them. They hadn't even had a chance to finish their game. And then Lulubell exploded from his water-bottle.
93. Never introduce Alice in Wonderland to Allen, Tyki, or Road
a) Allen wants to get back at the order for a lot of things and he enjoys the Cheshire Cat
b) He will start talking like the insane cat and begin popping up in random places too
c) It is very creepy
d) Road is like the Queen of Hearts, we want to keep are heads, nuff said
e) Tyki is in love with the Mad Hatter and the Red Rabbit but Neah might beat him there...
Lenalee gave Road a present. She reasoned that the Noah couldn't have had the most normal childhood, and decided that Alice in Wonderland was an experience no one should go without. Road shared the book with Tyki, who showed it to Allen. Allen decided he identified most with the Cheshire Cat, Road found the Queen of Hearts the most interesting, and Tyki didn't care who he was as long as he could get the Red Rabbit. No one could convince him it was the White Rabbit, as Road had since colored said rabbit the color of blood.
94. There is no reason to tape Lero's mouth shut
a) Lero will only get louder if you do
b) It's degrading
c) Has no one heard of manners?
Lavi took issue with the golem incessant chattering. Which even Kanda found hard to believe, considering how much the redhead talked himself. So Lavi taped Lero's mouth shut and threatened to dump him in a river. Luckily, Road was nearby and took pity on the poor umbrella. Lenalee yelled at Lavi for a full fifteen minutes afterward, and ended by telling him that he should take lessons on manners from Allen, who unlike Lavi, was a proper gentleman. Tyki snickered from the corner.
95. No matter how tempting it might be to see Chibi Allen, please do not bring this about through the use of Komui's potions
a) He is the cutest damn thing
b) BUT (if he also looses his memories) evil and rude
c) Lets say the order has no clue how in the hell he became the Allen they know and love
d) And the potions are now off-limits to everyone except Reever and Johnny
The Unholy Alliance plus Tyki decided that they wanted to see chibi Allen. Luckily, Lenalee stopped it in time. Everyone (minus Lavi, the Noah, and Komui) remembered what had happened the last time Allen was chibified. And sent on a mission. Where he was soundly beaten by an Akuma, saved by Kanda, and suffered a concussion which resulted in memory loss. Allen's buried 'Red' personality proved to be cruel, rude, and maybe even tied with Road for evilness. The Order was saved from the torment of 'Red' by Komui. The head-nurse was concerned that people were catching a cold, what with all the shivering going on.
96. Asking Kanda about the Lotus blossom in his room is a bad idea
a) You should also stay out of his room
b) And making fun of Kanda for liking flowers is suicidal, even if you are a Noah
Lavi told Road that Kanda had a special flower in his room. Road got Tyki to take her there. At lunch the next day, Road shouted a question to Kanda. Something along the lines of, "Hey Hana-chan, what's with the Lotus?" After much confusion, yelling, and swearing on 'Hana-chan's' (Kanda's) part, giggling on Road's, and shrieking on everyone else's, head nurse dragged everyone to the infirmary. It was decided that Kanda and Road would be separated for a while. A long while.
97. Allen and Road are never ever allowed to go to Russia again
a) Allen came back with a really weird laugh that sounded like "KOLKOLKLOKOLKOLKOL" and a deadly steel pipe of doom.
b) The only thing that scared him was Road
c) Road came back with knives and whenever she saw Allen, she would yell, "MARRY ME! MARRY ME!"
Allen and Road were invited by a stranger, named Yami-chan-123, to tour Russia. Whatever Yami-chan-123 did to them had a long lasting effect on their personalities. Road was even more obsessed with Allen (if it were possible) and concealed knives in specially designed pockets of her clothes. Allen made best friends with a steel pipe, which he attempted to use to bash in Lavi's skull. For once, the attack was unprovoked. However, Allen was terrified of Road and made an effort to avoid her at all costs. The Black Order considered hiring a full-time therapist.
98. If you value your sanity, Allen's room is off limits ( Unless you're a Noah, but they are still scared too. But not Road. The logic behind this is that she is the most terrifying thing in existence.)
a) Allen, no how cute he looks, is a messed-up child and we can hear horrible things from that room in the middle of the night
b) Link has been seen come out of the room crying and shaking, saying things about Alice clowns and evil winter
It happened on a day Lavi was bored. He dared Kanda and Krory to go into Allen's room. They came back screaming with a thousand white lions chasing them and Allen evil koling following, creepily.
99. The song "Bad Apple" is not allowed to be played in the Order because Allen, Road, and Tyki start to sing really creepily
a) And it gives people nightmares
b) As we learned from the End of All Hope, Slaying the Dreamer, Love Game, and many, many others, these three are not to be trusted while singing
In their defense, the song was pretty awesome. But having Allen and Tyki harmonizing and switching parts with Road while they did some very bizarre dance choreography was rather terror inducing. Also, Copyright Laws. The Black Order just did not have the time or money for a lawsuit.
100. Just don't mention our resident Noah to Hevlaska
a) Even she can suffer from anxiety.
Hevlaska had thus far remained blissfully ignorant about Tyki and Road. And then Reever slipped up. To say Hevlaska wasn't too pleased about the Noah hanging around was the understatement of her century. The fact that she was the only one acting that way didn't help either. Almost everyone else was so used to the Noah's presence in the Order that Road coming through one of her doors, or Tyki running through a wall didn't even phase them. But Hevlaska's sudden introduction to the both of them during the Hyper Kanda Incident didn't win the Noah any points with her. Everyone decided it was easier not to discuss the Noah with Hevlaska.
101. Telling Timothy about the Tooth Fairy is a BAD idea
a) He will believe you
b) And beat people up for their teeth
c) Or dig up bodies in graveyards
d) Which results in him getting arrested
The police where not pleased. Neither was Allen. Even if Kanda did get punched in the face. No one knew where Timothy had run off to, or even if he was still alive, until the boy in question possessed Allen's body, breaking rule 7. Allen was not pleased. Neither was Kanda. However, both were prohibited from taking revenge on Timothy. Klaud Nine decided to pay her apprentice a visit.
102. Do not turn Tyki into an eight year old
a) We already have Kanda
b) Komui still doesn't have an antidote
c) But he swears the effects will wear off in about a week
Komurin tried to neutralize the threat. Apparently, neutralizing consisted of turning said threat into an eight year old. Lenalee destroyed the Komurin, kicked Komui, and then ran off with Tyki. Chibi Tyki acted adorable and looked cute. Lenalee was unable to resist his charms. Allen could not disguise his need to barf as the stomach flu.
103. Do not sic Tyki and Kanda on Link and Rouvelier
a) We don't care how funny it is to watch Two-Spot and Wanna-Be-Hitler get chased around HQ by two eight year olds
b) The higher-ups are still pretending that they know nothing about the Noah being here
c) That doesn't work when they get a report detailing the 'tag game'
A surprise inspection, a surprised pair of eight year olds, an annoying Hitler wannabe. In their defense, it was funny. What wasn't funny was all the paperwork delivered to Komui the next day. At least, it wasn't funny to Reever, Johnny, and all the other scientists who had to haul all of it up to Komui's office, and then watch him until he completed all of it. They eventually just recruited Kanda and Tyki to keep an eye on the Chief. Every time Komui slacked off (or looked like he was slacking off), Kanda got to poke him with Mugen and Tyki slipped an ice cube down his shirt. Positive reinforcement.
104. No Toga Parties in the dining hall
a) People eat in there for God's sake!
b) And teach Tyki how to tie a toga!
Kanda came up with this one, surprisingly. Then again, Lavi probably hung him out a window. It was easy to be a menace to the eight year olds. You just had to be taller than them. Many people requested medical leave and a reference to a good psychiatrist. Miranda was mortified and Allen was slowly bouncing his head against a wall on the second floor. Tyki was unashamed.
105. No hanging the eight year olds out windows
a) This is something Jasdevi would do
b) And we aren't testing the immortality of the Noah either
c) Kanda isn't even a Noah!
It was certainly an interesting sight; Lavi holding Kanda and Tyki out the window by their ankles, the two children promising to kill him in creative ways, Kanda cursing like crazy, and Tyki unable to summon his Tease. Lavi's defense was that they irritated him. Lenalee slapped him and made him clean Komui's office.
106. Do not tell Road that Rouvelier was mean to Allen
a) Even if it's true
b) We all know how sadistic that girl can be
Lavi and Allen got in trouble. It came as no surprise to anyone, but Rouvelier still used it as a chance to punish Allen. Lavi told Road all about it. Road got mad. Rouvelier got... missing. Nobody even cared. Until about two weeks later when the Vatican sent a letter asking why he hadn't reported. Komui found the twenty-five pages to be a good pillow when piles atop his other reports.
107. Do Not give Road Strobe Lights
a) She is sadistic
b) And doesn't need sleep
Komui gave Road strobe lights for a service she had recently done for HQ. She set them up all over headquarters. Ten people had seizures. Allen and Tyki were skipping through the halls, laughing happily and singing something about 'shampoo feet'. Komui barricade himself in his lab.
108. Dance Parties are prohibited
a) While Link and Rouvelier are inspecting headquarters
b) Or at four in the morning
c) Some people need sleep to function properly
d) Or just plain function
The Unholy Alliance struck again. They declared that everyone needed to unwind. Relax. And dance. Because it's relaxing to watch everyone around you suffering from tourettes while listening to deafening music. Link decided to talk to Hevlaska for six hours and the inspector disappeared somewhere to make a cake. Allen and Tyki were inseparable; everyone was pretty sure it was the effects of the strobe lights again. And Lavi kept running into walls. Bookman left for Antarctica, saying that it was of great importance to commune with the penguins. Everyone hoped it was code for something, otherwise the old panda had finally lost it.
109. If you find some sort of inter-dimensional portal, alternate reality, or rouge authors, please submit a report to Komui
a) No, this is not a joke. Yes, these things (apparently) exist
b) Allen is to be kept away from any of the above mentioned things at all costs
c) Road isn't allowed to explore the 21st century Russia
d) The Technician is to be kept far away from the Black Order and it's employees
Very few people understood this rule, which was probably for the best. There had been a few recent anomalies in the inter-dimensional space containing the 19th century, the 21st century, Doctor Who, Hetalia, Bleach, an alternate reality of the 21st century called Bones, and many many more. The Black Order requested that a highly skilled and fully debriefed therapist be assigned to HQ, as several key members were going through psychological breakdowns, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Male Pregnancies, delusions of being a Time Lord, and random adventures with certifiably insane authors.
Allen walked through a dimly lit room, stepping lightly on soft pillows. He was searching for something, but had no clue what it was. Bending down, he turned over a pillow, revealing nothing beneath it. Troubled, he replaced the pillow and moved on to the next. Pillow after pillow was picked up and replaced, nothingness showing through in spots. Allen spun around, feeling dizzy, before collapsing to the pillow strewn floor. "Nothing. It's all nothing. Nobody."
Lenalee stood over Allen where he lay, twitching, on his bed. She squeezed Lavi's hand tightly. "What do we do? I can't wake him up. He just moans and rolls around."
Lavi looked pained. "Lenalee, fingers!" She loosened her grip on his hand and continued to watch Allen anxiously. Lavi continued. "I've tried everything I can. Water, music, food, nothing wakes him up! Kanda, how about you?" Lavi turned to look at the stoic dark-haired male leaning against the door frame.
"Che. I've done everything Lenalee has allowed me to do. But I-" A slight whimper from Allen cut him off. Lavi leaned closer to the white-haired boy.
"Hold on, I think he's saying something." Lavi told his two friends. The three were silent, straining to hear.
"No...body. Nobody reads. Author's notes."
Lavi's eyes bulged. Lenalee's face turned white. Kanda unsheathed Mugen. Then,
"There's nothing under the pillow." Allen sighed unhappily and rolled over.
Silence.
"Accomplice!"
I apologize for the last rule. But not really. I actually enjoyed it a bit too much. This Rulebook began by mocking the more common fanfictions of DGM; m-pregs, potions, crossovers, etc... But, let me just say that I really enjoy those fics. So I don't mean to be insulting if you write these sorts of fics. Cause I love them too!
WOOHOO! One-hundred and nine rules!
Fun fact: Tourette syndrome (TS) is an inherited disorder of the nervous system, characterized by a variable expression of unwanted movements and noises (tics).
Now, I realize that some people do indeed read the author's notes. But, this was a question I asked at the beginning of a chapter and got no responses on. So I give you Allen's nightmare! And now I am going to run and hide from Kanda, Lavi, and Lenalee! Bye now!