I'd like to thank all of you for following this story, and to wish you all a very happy Christmas! A special shout-out to Dom, who has been wonderfully supportive throughout and to Mary, beta and friend extraordinaire.
~o~O~o~
Anders and Hawke had not gone far through the caves when Hawke suddenly halted, his body stiffening, and he grabbed the hand that Anders had draped around his shoulder.
"What is it?" whispered Anders, aware that Bethany was not far behind them.
"Feel…think…gon' be…" before another word came out, Hawke bent forward, clutching his stomach hard, and spilled its contents onto the ground.
"All right, Hawke, easy…easy," soothed Anders, rubbing Hawke's shoulder as the others quickly caught up to them.
"Brother, are you all right?" Bethany asked with concern, arriving next to him. Hawke, still bent double, glanced up at Anders, a plaintive look in his eyes, and he screwed his face up, gritting his teeth to hold in an agonised wail.
"He'll be fine in a minute," Anders told them all calmly, a shiver travelling down his body as his eyes moved to the chunky puddle on the ground next to them.
"Right, I need you all to back off and give him some air," Anders said to the others, his tone sharper than he'd intended. Hoping his panic wasn't apparent, he began to assist Hawke to sit on the ground, keeping the rose-coloured vomit out of sight of the others. "Everyone back off, please," he repeated.
Although concerned and wanting to see what was going on, Bethany, Varric and Merrill duly complied. Anders's eyes locked with Varric's, quickly flitting over to Bethany and then back to the dwarf.
Understanding, Varric took Bethany's arm and steered her away from the two mages. "Let's leave Blondie to his work, huh, Sunshine?"
"No," she replied, shrugging away his proffered hand. "I'm staying."
"What's the matter with him, Anders?" Merrill asked anxiously.
Moving the now-trembling, puce-coloured Hawke into a lying position, Anders again looked up at the other three. He didn't yet know what was wrong with Hawke, except that it was serious, and didn't want Bethany to see her brother suffer, or worse. "I need quiet," he said in a firmer tone. "All of you, out, now. Please."
"Let's do as the man says," Varric said in an equally firm voice as Anders quickly rolled up his sleeves and loosened the ties of Hawke's robe. Nodding blankly, Bethany allowed herself to be led away, and Merrill, with a fearful glance at Hawke, followed them.
"M-Maker…" Hawke gasped as soon as they'd departed. "What's w-wrong? I-I can't c-c…concen…can't examine…agh! Anders…it hurts!"
"I think you're bleeding internally," Anders told him, yanking up Hawke's undershirt to reveal his bare chest and abdomen. "Bastard blood mages! No simple freezing or burning for them! Oh no, they have to shred your insides!"
"Hey…watch w-who you're c-calling a bast…" Hawke joked weakly, before he gasped and gnashed his teeth.
"You know what I mean," tutted Anders. "Try to stay still." He laid one hand on Hawke's abdomen, and the other lower down towards his groin, and closed his eyes.
"W-where's…F-f-f…?"
"He's around somewhere," Anders answered shortly, fearing that voicing his true feelings about Fenris's absence might disrupt his concentration.
Anders applied gentle pressure to Hawke's abdomen, and Hawke grabbed Anders's arm hard enough to make the other man flinch, yelling as he felt something akin to molten lead being poured into his stomach.
"Sorry, mate," Anders mumbled.
Panting, Hawke loosened his grip as the sensation eased before his arm fell limply to his side. "Did he come back?" he implored. "Is he…is he all right?"
"He was fine when I last saw him," answered Anders truthfully, removing his hands from Hawke's belly. "It's your stomach, Hawke. I need to act fast: I'm going to put you to sleep."
"Please," beseeched Hawke, grabbing Anders's arm again. "Make sure he's all right. You and he c-could be friends if you tried. And Beth…Beth…please, Anders. Look after…them…if…oh, Maker!" he howled, his neck cording as shards of fire stabbed into his stomach. "And…M-mother…please, Ande…"
Hawke's eyes closed and his breathing settled into a regular, if shallow, pattern as Anders completed his sleep spell. Anders shook his head and looked down at his friend.
"You deserve better than him, Hawke." With a frustrated sigh, he once again placed his hands on Hawke's abdomen and concentrated.
~o~O~o~
It took Sebastian a while to find Fenris, as clearly, the elf had not wanted to be found. Using a combination of his wits and his limited tracking skills, however, he soon spied the unmistakable shock of white hair from behind a shrub, and, as he neared, he saw that the elf was sitting on the ground, his legs dangling over the edge of a rocky overhang.
Not wanting to startle him, Sebastian halted a short distance away and leaned against a large rock. Soon, though, Fenris became aware of the faint sounds of someone else breathing, and slowly turned his head in Sebastian's direction.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Sebastian remarked, looking out across the ocean.
With a quiet sigh, Fenris began to push himself to his feet.
"No, please," Sebastian said quickly, gesturing for Fenris to sit back down. With another sigh, he did so, and, for a few minutes, neither man spoke until Fenris broke the silence.
"Why are you here? I said I wished to be alone." There was no accusation in Fenris's voice, only curiosity.
"Aye, you did," agreed Sebastian, "and, if that's what you really want, I'd be happy to leave. I just wanted to make sure you were all right."
Another silence followed, and eventually Sebastian turned toward the mountain path.
Hearing the departing thud of boots against rock, Fenris turned his head slightly. "Sebastian-"
Sebastian paused and faced the elf. "Yes, Fenris?"
"As you are already here…" Fenris said in a whisper that was almost lost in the winds that whipped around the mountain top, "...you might as well stay."
"You're sure?"
Fenris nodded but remained silent. Sebastian took a few steps nearer, stopping a discreet distance away, allowing the elf his space.
"Talk to me, Fenris," urged the archer softly. "Tell me what troubles you so."
"What troubles me?" A quiet snort was heard from Fenris, and he turned his gaze back to the sea. "Why are you even here? You advised me not to kill her, and yet I did."
"I advised that for your sake, Fenris; not hers."
"My sake?" Fenris turned around and looked directly at Sebastian, his voice quiet and uncertain. "It was for my sake that I killed her."
"Yet you don't seem content."
Fenris turned away again, and, for several moments, did not speak. "I thought…" He sighed, and Sebastian stepped closer.
"May I sit with you?" asked the archer.
After another pause, Fenris nodded slightly, and, once he'd placed his bow and quiver on the ground, Sebastian sat next to him, bringing his own legs over the edge of the overhang. He looked vaguely in Fenris's direction, and waited for him to continue.
"When Hawke told me that Hadriana was here, I was furious with him for keeping it from me." He looked directly at Sebastian for a moment before his eyes moved to his lap. "All I could see was that the chance to finally put an end to her may have slipped through my fingers. And then, when Hawke resolved to stand with me…" He once again looked at Sebastian. "And you, and the others…I felt…I was…afraid. Afraid that one of you would be killed, and that she would succeed in capturing me. So, when I held her by the throat and knew that her seconds were numbered, and that my friends were now safe, I believed that ending her life would be a release…a catharsis." He shook his head. "I should have felt…relieved."
"But you didn't," Sebastian ventured.
"No…I did not." Fenris drew a slow breath and looked back out to sea. "When I felt her life leave her, when I looked down upon her body...I felt…nothing. Which is worse, Sebastian? One who takes pleasure in killing and feels satisfaction from it? Or one who kills remorselessly, feeling nothing during the act, or afterwards?"
"Do you truly feel nothing, Fenris?" asked Sebastian gently. "I find that difficult to believe."
"It's still there," Fenris said, and Sebastian frowned, unsure of his meaning. "It's like a dark growth inside me. As time has gone on, it has increased in size and consumes more of me with each day that passes. I thought killing her would…" He brought both of his knees up and tucked them under his chin. "Recently, for the first time since my escape, I believed that I could start a new life, that I could…be happy," he said with a shrug. "…With Hawke. He believes in me more than anyone ever has. He cares for me…and I…I care for him. Deeply," he finished in a whisper.
"This incident should pose no obstacle to that new life of yours."
"Shouldn't it?" Fenris challenged, his voice acquiring a brittle edge. "If anything, this incident has only served as a reminder of what I am."
"And what is that?" asked Sebastian.
"A man who can kill with neither pity nor regret…without feelings of any kind. I don't even feel satisfied that she's dead. My master taught me well, Sebastian: I am ruthless, jaded and without remorse. Hawke has seen the truth of it, now; I would not blame him for turning his back on me."
"What utter nonsense," Sebastian said with conviction. "I've never heard such bunkum in my life. Hawke, if you recall, was the one who vowed to find Danarius: it was because of that search that Hadriana was found. Do you think Hawke expected you to shake hands with her and call it even? No! He expected you to kill her. As did I. Not only did she keep others in bondage and treat them cruelly, she consorted with a demon and became crazed with the power that demon offered. She earned her death."
"I would not argue with that," Fenris replied. "I…just thought that her death would bring a sense of accomplishment, of…I had hoped that, with her dead, I would be able to…move on? If only in part. But…I feel no different. I am beginning to wonder what it will take to expunge this-this blackness I have inside of me. How can I ever live a normal life – how can I give Hawke what he wants – when I am consumed by it?" His shoulders slumped and he released a long breath. "I feel it, Sebastian. It eats away at me, day and night. It drove me to put an end to Hadriana, but now she is gone…"
Fenris pushed himself to his feet and turned his back on Sebastian. "Hawke…he has given me so much, and I have repaid him by venting my anger and frustration upon him. He does not deserve that. I know that he would have me in his life, and I, too, want nothing more. But how can I be with someone, how can I make them content, when I am not content? I will only end up hurting him, or driving him away."
"Fenris," Sebastian began, and also stood up, moving over to the elf.
"There is something else," Fenris said unsteadily. "When Hawke was treating my foot, he did not use any magic, knowing that it causes me pain. Sometimes…" He faced Sebastian with sadness in his eyes. "…Sometimes, I almost forget what he is. When we confronted Hadriana, however, he used his powers many times. I felt pain, which made me…angry. It was not his fault, but it reminded me of what he is. I once again saw him as a mage; one who is as susceptible to demonic influence and corruption as was Hadriana."
"You cannot seriously compare Hawke to Hadriana," Sebastian argued.
"I would not," answered Fenris. "She dedicated her life to the suffering and torment of others, while he dedicates his to the alleviation of suffering. And yet, they are of a kind. I-I cannot think straight." Fenris's shoulders sagged and he cast his eyes to the ground. "I am ashamed. It is wrong of me to even speak of them in the same breath, yet I cannot help it."
"Fenris…" Sebastian moved next to the elf, and they both looked out over the sea. "Seeing Hadriana again must have brought back some terrible memories for you, and caused some very dark emotions to surface. If I may venture, I think this incident has affected you far more deeply than you realise. Your confusion and ambivalence are a normal reaction to what must have been a very traumatic and disturbing experience for you. You have been reminded of your old life, of how you used to feel about yourself, of your former role. That is not the life you have now; it is long dead, but its ghost lingers."
Sebastian gently placed a hand on Fenris's shoulder. "Listen, my friend. Give yourself some time. It's only natural for you to feel uncertain after what has happened. But don't dwell on it for too long. Do not let the past interfere with your future; with your and Hawke's future."
Fenris continued to gaze out to sea while Sebastian picked up his bow and quiver and slung them across his back. "Let us return to the others, now, Fenris; they'll be concerned about you."
"Yes. I suppose I must face them eventually," Fenris murmured through a sigh, turning and heading up the slope with Sebastian.
"They'll be glad to see you," said the archer. "I would imagine that Hawke in particular will welcome your company, being unwell as he is," he added, hoping to draw Fenris's attention back to the present.
"Unwell?" Fenris stopped dead and stared, aghast, at Sebastian.
"Well, yes, Fenris; he was injured by the blood mage's spell."
"But…he recovered from that," Fenris said sharply. "He-he was standing…he came over to me…he cast magic upon Hadriana." His eyes darted from side to side, his breathing quickening, and his heart pounding as anxiety gripped him.
Sebastian shook his head sadly. "He stood to see you defeat her, but then his strength failed him. When I last saw him, he appeared…quite ill. Anders was supporting him as they left. I'm sorry."
Fenris stared at Sebastian, his eyes wide and panic etched on his face. "I did not know…I was so…all I cared about was Hadriana…" He quickly turned and hurried up the path, saying no more, with Sebastian following close behind.
~o~O~o~
Having stabilised Hawke, Anders made him as comfortable as possible on the cave floor, removed all traces of vomit, and called the others back in. Hunter and Donnic, who had finished gathering the bodies, were sent out to find tree branches and foliage, as Anders wanted to light several fires to warm the cave, deeming Hawke too ill to be moved that night.
With a deep sigh that did nothing to quell his knotted stomach, Anders went over to Bethany as she, Varric and Merrill entered the cave.
"How is he, Anders?" she asked eagerly. "What was wrong-what happened?"
Anders cleared his throat and assumed his well-practised healer's mask. "The spell…it damaged him, inside. His stomach was perforated. I've healed that," he added quickly as Bethany gasped. "He's…he's not out of the woods yet, though, Beth. Fluids have leaked into his body, which could cause problems. I'm going to start treating him immediately, but we won't really know for sure until maybe tomorrow. I'm doing everything I can for him, Beth, I swear."
"F-fluids?" Bethany stammered, glancing down at her sleeping brother. "What do you mean?"
"The spell caused him to bleed internally, and also some of the contents of his stomach will have escaped," Anders said softly. "There's a chance that…" He sighed and held one of Bethany's hands. "I won't lie to you, Beth; he's in danger. Those fluids could turn toxic and he could go into septic shock."
"Septic shock?" exclaimed Bethany, her eyes brimming with tears. Varric moved closer to her and stroked her back.
"I'm going to do everything I can not to let that happen," Anders reassured determinedly. "I won't leave his side, Beth." He released her hand and glanced at Varric, who nodded solemnly. "I need to make some medicine, now. Please excuse me."
"Thank you, Anders," Bethany whispered. "I know you'll do what you can."
"Come on, Sunshine," Varric said gently, and led her away to sit down.
"Can-can I do anything to help, Anders?" Merrill asked meekly as Anders sat on the ground, cross-legged, and started to pound some herbs with his pestle and mortar.
"Actually, you can," he replied. "I need some liverwort. Do you know what that is?" Merrill nodded quickly. "You'll find it growing under rocks or at the base of trees. Just a few scrapings will do. I also need a few handfuls of red moss; that's abundant along the edges of the cliffs. You should have no trouble finding that." He passed her a small bag.
"Right, I'm on it," she said, taking the bag carefully, and turned to leave.
"Merrill?"
"Yes, Anders?"
"Don't get falling off," he said with a thin smile.
"Oh-ho, I won't. Don't you worry about that." Glad to be helping, she trotted purposefully out of the cave, and Anders sighed, glancing down at Hawke. Then, a movement in his peripheral vision caught his eye, and his face dropped when he looked up to see Sebastian and Fenris enter, and turned his attention back to his task.
"What has happened?" Fenris demanded, rushing to Hawke's side and kneeling next to him.
"Oh, you are bothered, then?" Anders sniped, not looking up.
"Tell me!" Fenris snarled with a livid glare at the healer.
"Well, if you really want to know, while you were…wherever you were, he collapsed. Actually, he also collapsed while you were breaking that woman's neck, but I guess you were too busy to notice."
"What's the matter with him, Anders?" Sebastian asked firmly, placing a hand on the trembling Fenris's shoulder.
"Perforated stomach, possible peritonitis. We'll have to see," Anders told them airily, adding a little water to his concoction.
"Peritonitis?" Fenris exclaimed. "Is that not…sometimes fatal?"
"Sometimes," said Anders, looking up at the elf. "But don't worry. I'm taking care of him."
At that moment, Hunter and Donnic entered, carrying several bundles of wood. They were followed by Aveline, who walked over to where Hawke lay while the other two guards set about lighting fires.
"How's he doing, Anders?" she asked.
"Still the same," he answered. "I'll have to wake him in a minute to give him some medicine. There's no way he can travel tonight. I'll stay with him."
"As will I," Fenris stated.
"There's really no need, Fenris," Anders told him. "As I said, I'm looking after him. I'm not going to stomp off in a fit of self-pity."
"Do not speak of things you know nothing of, Mage," Fenris replied in a low growl, his lip curling.
"Things I know nothing of?" asked Anders. "Well, I'll tell you what I do know: while you went off in a snit, Hawke here almost died. It's lucky one of his friends were around at the time, wasn't it?"
"This is no time for pettiness," Sebastian interposed angrily to both of them. "Show some respect for his sister!"
Anders shrugged and continued to pound his mixture, while Fenris, glaring murderously at him, sat down and shuffled closer to Hawke.
Having finished preparing his medicine, Anders called to Bethany and she went over with Varric; Fenris got to his feet and he and Sebastian made way for her to kneel next to Hawke and Anders. "Beth, I'm going to wake him up for a bit," Anders told her. "You can talk to him, but I ask you to keep it brief. Bear in mind he might not actually make much sense; he'll be groggy. Also, try not to make him laugh if you can help it; his stomach's still delicate."
"Fat chance of that," Bethany said glumly.
"Bet he'd love to see one of your pretty smiles," Varric said with a smile of his own.
"I'll try," she promised, and took one of her brother's hands.
"Here goes," said Anders, placing a hand on Hawke's forehead and closing his eyes. Fenris felt a sharp jolt run along his markings, but paid it no heed as Hawke's eyes slowly opened, blinking several times.
"Hawke," Anders said softly. "Bethany's here."
Hawke's eyes wandered over to his sister as she squeezed his hand, doing her best to smile. "Oh, hello, Beth," he mumbled.
"Hello, Fletcher. How are you feeling?"
He frowned and closed his eyes. "Not too bad," he slurred. "How's my little sis?"
"Oh, good, Brother," she replied with false chirpiness.
"Did Sebastian find Fen?" he asked her, opening his eyes fully.
Fenris took a step forward and coughed quietly. "Yes, he found me."
Hawke squinted, trying without luck to bring the elf into focus, and instead concentrated on the white part of the blur that stood before him. "Fen…" He smiled weakly and let out a long sigh. "Are you-are you all right?"
"I…am well," Fenris said thickly, overwhelmed by guilt and worry, before Varric prodded his arm and pulled the edges of his mouth up with his fingers. Fenris cleared his throat again and forced a rigid smile. "I am here, and here I will remain."
"Oh, thank the Maker you're okay. I-I was worried about you."
"Do not speak further," Fenris advised. "You must take some medicine."
Hawke laughed at that, and then grimaced, clutching Anders's wrist. "B-bet you're loving this, aren't you, Fen? Revenge for m-my medicine."
"All right, that's enough, now," Anders said, cradling the back of Hawke's head and showing him the contents of the mortar. "You need to take this."
Hawke pulled a face upon seeing the gloopy brown liquid. "What do you call that?"
"Sorbitio Alvus Evacuare Celeris," Anders answered, noticing Fenris wince.
"That doesn't sound very nice," Hawke said heavily.
"It's not meant to be nice; it's meant to cure you," replied Anders, looking up at the rest of the group. "Erm…I'll have to ask you all to leave. I'll call you back when we're done."
"I-I'd like to stay, if it's all right?" asked Bethany.
Fenris gently touched her arm and shook his head. "You would not wish to stay, nor would your brother have you stay."
She gave him a confused look, but nodded and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on Hawke's forehead. "We'll just be in the chamber next door."
"Behave yourself," he teased.
Fenris crouched down and Hawke looked directly into his eyes as he came into focus. Fenris smiled softly and ran the back of his hand down Hawke's cheek. "We will speak later."
"Good." Hawke returned his smile and closed his eyes. With a sigh, Fenris stood up and reluctantly followed the others out of the cave.
"Anders," asked Hawke. "Why have you sent them away?"
"Look," Anders groaned, "we've got to flush the toxins out of you. They…they'll come out pretty fast once you take this."
Hawke's eyes snapped open. "Out…fast? From which end?"
"Um…probably both," Anders replied ruefully.
"Bo…? Oh, Anders…I hope not, for your sake."
"It's got to be done, Hawke. Now, come on; drink up. I need to get some water heated up."
~o~O~o~
By the time Anders called the others back into the main cavern, almost an hour had passed. Hawke, who was propped up against a small ledge, was deathly pale but greeted his friends with as warm a smile as he could manage. Anders had not left his side, and mopped his sweating brow with a small cloth.
The others maintained a discreet distance as Bethany and Varric went over to the two mages. Hawke, whose eyesight had improved, glanced over at Fenris, who stood away from everyone else looking awkward. Catching his eye, Hawke winked at him and was rewarded with a faint smile and a nod from the elf.
"Feeling any better, Brother?" asked Bethany.
"Much," Hawke replied; a lie, but an honourable one, he told himself. "This man is a bloody saint," he said to Varric, pointing at Anders. "You have no idea what he's just had to do. In fact, you don't want to know. I'm still going to tell you, though. In graphic detail."
Bethany giggled, and Varric held a hand up, his nose wrinkling. "From the noises we heard, we don't need graphic detail, Hawke."
"But I want to tell you, just in case you missed anything," offered Hawke.
"Uh-uh," said Varric firmly, walking away. "I'll leave you to it."
Hawke patted the ground next to him and Bethany sat down. "Beth, will you tell Anders to get some rest, please? He won't listen to me."
"Get some rest, Anders," she said, waggling a finger. "You need to look after yourself as well as Fletcher. We'll call you if he needs you." She took the cloth from Anders's hands and pointed away from them.
"All right," Anders sighed. "I suppose I could do with letting my mana regenerate. I'll just have an hour's kip." He pushed himself up and looked down at Bethany. "Just an hour, mind; wake me up if I go over. Don't give him anything to eat or drink."
Bethany nodded her agreement, and Anders stretched his arms, yawned and began to walk over to one of the small fires that had been lit.
"Anders," Hawke called out, and Anders turned back. "Thank you for what you've done. I really mean that."
"You've told me that a dozen times already," smiled Anders. "Just get better; that's all I want."
"Yes, get better," Bethany repeated as they watched him walk away.
"I intend to!" he replied with far more vigour than he felt. "Beth," he whispered, once again glancing over at Fenris; the elf was talking with Sebastian and Donnic, who were preparing to depart. "How's Fenris been? Any idea what he and Sebastian talked about?"
Bethany also quickly glanced over at Fenris before looking at her brother, and she shook her head. "I don't know what they were talking about, but he seems different since they came back. Almost…nervous," she said with a bemused shrug. "Ashamed? I don't know. He was asking me a lot of questions while we were out there: what your constitution is like, if you've ever been seriously ill or injured before, how long it took you to recover; that kind of thing. When we heard you vomiting again he looked like he wanted to kill Anders. I'd say he's worried sick."
Hawke's gaze again moved over to Fenris, just catching the elf looking at him before he averted his eyes and turned away. "He doesn't need to be worried to want to kill Anders. This will prove to be an interesting night, with both of them competing to look after me," he added with a sigh.
"Let them worry over that, Fletcher, not you," she said firmly. "Besides, I think Sebastian's telling-off did the trick; they seem to be avoiding each other, for now."
"Let's see how long that lasts," snorted Hawke.
"Well, Varric and I are staying…"
"No, you don't need to do that," interrupted Hawke.
"We're staying. Varric said he'll defuse any tension, and, if they take no notice of him, he'll pin them both to a wall with a bolt."
Hawke began to laugh, and then grabbed his stomach, failing to hide his pain from his sister.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Brother! I didn't mean to make you laugh!"
"Don't worry," Hawke said, forcing a smile between pants. "It-it's fading, now." He took one of his sister's hands and squeezed it. "Thanks for making me laugh…it was worth it. So, how does Varric intend to relieve hostilities?"
Bethany rolled her eyes and groaned softly. "I think he's planning to read some of his friend fiction to us later."
Hawke's face dropped like a stone. "Oh, Maker."
"He's just started a story about a love triangle between you, Fenris and Anders."
"He's done what?"
"…But I've convinced him that it may not be well-received, so he's going to read another one."
Hawke closed his eyes and slumped.
"Merrill's going to stay as well," Bethany went on. "She insisted. She's been beside herself with worry over you."
"Merrill has?"
Bethany nodded and looked behind her, where the Dalish elf was talking to Varric. "I think she wants to talk to you. Shall I send her over?"
"Yes please, sis. Who else is staying?"
"That's it. Aveline and Hunter have already left; Hunter agreed to do Fenris's shift tonight, so he needs to get a bit of sleep. Aveline said she'll make sure the templars don't come too far up the mountain."
Bethany stood up and smiled down at her brother. "I'll try to further dissuade Varric from his plans."
"Tell him that friend fiction induces spontaneous projectile vomiting in someone with my condition…whatever that is. Anders won't tell me; he just said I've got a dicky stomach."
Bethany nodded, her smile fading by a fraction. "I'll send Merrill over," she said quickly, and Hawke blew her a kiss, which she caught, and went over to the elf.
Merrill hesitantly walked over, her eyes as big as saucers. "Hawke…how's your tummy?" she asked, her voice low and quiet as she twisted her fingers together.
"I feel much better now, Merrill; you don't look too good, though. Is everything all right?"
She quickly glanced around the cavern and sat on her haunches beside him, wrapping her arms around her knees, her voice barely a whisper. "I-I hope I didn't drop you in it."
"Eh? What do you mean?" he asked with a frown.
"When Bethany said she couldn't see the wards, and then I went and put my foot in my gob and said I could. Oh, I'm so sorry, Hawke. I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that."
"Oh, that." Hawke sighed and gently touched Merrill's arm. "It's not your fault. I should have been honest with you from the start. You guessed, didn't you, soon after we met. I lied to you then, Merrill, and for that I'm sorry."
"Oh, it's all right," she replied, and the two of them shared a brief but thoughtful silence. "You don't…"
Hawke shook his head. "I haven't used it for eleven years."
"Have you told Fenris?" she asked, and Hawke's eyes closed, his head falling back on his shoulders. "Oh…I'll take that as a no, then."
"I'm…I'm going to," he whispered. "It's just finding the right time. Although, I doubt any time will be right for him to hear that."
"Well, you let me know when you do tell him, Hawke; I'll come with you. Don't worry; I can stand up for myself."
Hawke squeezed Merrill's arm and smiled genuinely, touched at her desire to help. "That's really kind of you, Merrill, but something tells me that Fenris wouldn't want anyone else to be there."
"Hm, maybe you're right," she said pensively. "Well, you know where I live. If you want to talk to someone, come and see me and we'll have a drink. If…you like tea, that is."
"I love tea." He beckoned her closer, and placed a kiss on her cheek. "You're a good soul, Merrill."
She rubbed her cheek and grinned bashfully. "Careful. You don't want to make him jealous." She stood up and glanced over at Fenris, who once again pretended he hadn't been watching. "I think he wants to come over. I-I-I-I'll go."
"Thank you, Merrill. And stop worrying," he told her as she walked away.
A few minutes later, Donnic and Sebastian approached him with Fenris, who walked behind them. The two men exchanged pleasantries with Hawke and enquired about his health, before bidding him goodnight. Sebastian promised to pray for his recovery.
As they left, Fenris stood, ill-at-ease, suddenly feeling naked and exposed without his friends' company. "You are…feeling better?" he asked tentatively.
Hawke nodded. "Come and sit down, Fenris."
With a soft sigh, Fenris sat upon the ground a few feet away from Hawke.
"Do I smell or something?" Hawke teased.
Looking shocked, Fenris mumbled, "No," and scooted a little nearer, but still maintained his distance.
"How are you, Fenris? Did you work things out with Sebastian?"
Fenris hung his head and drew a slow breath. "Yes. I…" He shuffled closer still to Hawke and started to speak, but was unable to find the right words.
"You don't have to tell me," Hawke said softly. "It was a private conversation between the two of you."
"No…I…want to tell you," Fenris began, and then sighed.
"Just not tonight; I understand," said Hawke.
Fenris nodded and finally looked at Hawke, uncertainty in his eyes. "I…had not realised the extent of your injury. Had I known…"
"No, Fenris. Don't do that to yourself." Hawke reached over for his hand and gently stroked the elf's fingers with his thumb. "Hadriana's dead, and we're all safe; that's all that matters."
Remembering Anders's ominous words concerning Hawke's condition, Fenris squeezed his hand tightly and looked at him with determination in his eyes.
"Fletcher…I want you to know…I will never leave your side again; not as long as I draw breath. I give you my word."
Knowing the conversation they would have to have, butterflies flitted about in Hawke's stomach: razor-winged, cruel and angry butterflies, mocking and hurting him with their frantic, aberrant dance. Hawke hid his pained grimace and continued to stroke Fenris's hand, and the two of them sat silently for what seemed like an age.