I thought about Carlisle's words as Jasper, Alice and I climbed into the Volvo and set off for Denali.
Esme had called the Denali coven and explained the situation, so I knew that Carmen would set up rooms
for us in their home. I was looking forward to seeing our friends, even under these unfortunate
circumstances, but I still wished that it didn't have to happen.
Alice had situated herself next to Bella, holding her hand and smoothing her hair out of her face with a
gentle hand. As I watched them I saw Bella's back bow, she screamed in agony, her arms flailing wildly
as she lashed out at something only she could see. A moan of guilt strangled me as I made a move toward
her, reaching out to comfort her. Alice gave me a pitying look and turned her attention back to Bella,
attempting to soothe and calm her as much as possible. I slunk back to where I had been sitting, my eyes
locked on the screaming girl.
"I wish I had your self-control."
I snorted and turned towards Jasper, who had spoken to me through his thoughts so as not to let Alice
hear our discussion.
"Right," I muttered sarcastically under my breath, "I'm the king of self-control. We are just making a
normal trip up to Alaska because we feel like it."
"I'm serious, Edward. I smelled her blood from across the parking lot and it was indeed appetizing. If I
started to feed from anyone I wouldn't be able to stop. You stopped… what I want to know is how you did
it and why."
"You should know why I stopped; I didn't want to harm her in the first place. The problem was that her
blood called to me in a way I've never experienced before. I don't think I could have stopped myself
from luring her into those woods even if you and Emmett had tackled me. I was too far gone to think
about anything else."
The scene from the parking lot played in my head again, as clear now as it had been an hour ago when it
had happened. I knew that it was wrong to kill her; I knew that it would cause my family problems, but I
couldn't stop myself. There was something so alluring about her that I had to have her, no matter what
the cost.
"If she was so tempting, how did you stop once you bit her and tasted her blood?"
I knew that Jasper wasn't spiteful and angry, like Rosalie. He was genuinely curious; he wanted to know
how I had stopped. The problem was that I really didn't know how I had stopped. It was like something in
me had broken when I saw the blood on her skin. In that instant I knew that I had broken more than the
treaty we had with the Quileute's in La Push, I had stolen the life of a human being. It was something I
had promised myself I would never do again. I didn't know if Jasper would understand that, but I would
try to explain it.
"Alice had seen a vision of me covered in her blood and I knew it was going to come true, the problem is
that when it did… I couldn't handle it. In the moment that I saw the blood on her skin my mind snapped.
I had promised myself years ago that I would never take another human life; I had put my rebellious
years behind me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had taken another person's life. It's not my
place to decide who should live and die. I was so horrified with what I was doing that it snapped me out
of the pull the bloodlust had on me. When I was able to pull myself away from her, I ran as fast as I
could to find Carlisle. I knew that I had to do everything in my power to save her, even if it meant
spending the rest of my existence easing her into our world."
Jasper was quiet after that, his mind carefully examining each point I had mentioned and comparing it to
his own moral code. I was thankful for the reprieve; it left me free to watch over Bella again.
During my few minutes with Jasper, Alice had begun talking to Bella, explaining the new life she was
going to be living. It was difficult for me to listen to Alice talk about life as one of us, to know
that every word she said was true. I myself was over a hundred years old and still as young as I had
looked on the day Carlisle had changed me. It was a lot to take in for anyone. Even I was still facing
each new day and wondering if I was caught in a never ending nightmare. I just hoped I could make it
different for her.
"…I know it's painful now, but the pain won't last forever. When it's all over you will be surprised at
how many things you can do that you couldn't before. You'll be able to run fast and never get tired, you
will have time to learn anything you ever wanted to know and you will have people around who want to
help you succeed. You have a family waiting to welcome you with open arms if you want us…"
More than ever I wished I knew what she was thinking. I wanted to know if she could hear Alice at all or
if the pain was over powering her ability to think at all. Would she be willing to join our family? Or
would she hate me so much for what I did to her that she would become another nomad?
These questions and more ran through my mind as we drove to Denali. The trip which would take a human
driver over fifty hours only took us thirty, though it was a long thirty hours with Bella's shrieks of
agony as our constant companion. Somewhere between Terrace and Stewart in British Columbia, Bella's
temperature rose as her heart began pumping double speed. Alice dug through the medical supplies we
brought with us and found an Insta-Cold ice pack. Bella's screams increased when the iciness of the pack
touched her head but after a few minutes Alice told me that the fever was reducing to more normal rates.
Jasper couldn't drive fast enough for me, I wanted to arrive in Denali and get Bella into a real bed for
the end of her transformation. Carlisle had stressed the importance of the last few hours; so many
things could go wrong. He promised me that I could call him the minute her heart rate changed, (becoming
a hum instead of beats) and he would talk me through any problems that might occur. I knew that
intellectually I could handle any surprise that might come my way; but emotionally, I wasn't so sure. I
had done everything possible to save this girl; if she died, it would be entirely my fault.
I didn't know if I could live with myself if that happened.
We arrived in Denali just before midnight the day after we left Forks. Jasper parked the car on the
sweeping lawn of our friend's home and rushed to the door to let them know we were bringing Bella
inside.
Eleazar arrived outside in time to watch Alice scoop a whimpering girl into her arms. He helped her
maneuver her way into the house, so as not to jostle Bella too much and he turned to me with a knowing
sadness in his eyes. "I'm glad you came to us for help." His thoughts were gentle but there were
memories layering it and I cringed from them. Eleazar had seen more in his life than I ever wished to
see.
"Thank you for hosting us during this difficult time, we needed to be away from searching eyes to help
her," I said as we clasped hands. He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it in a familiar way.
"You know we would do anything for such good friends," he said in a tone that made me feel guilty for
thanking them. It was true they were like family to us, but it was hard enough for me to lay my problems
at Carlisle and Esme's feet, bringing them to our Denali "cousins" felt even worse.
Carmen poked her head outside and motioned to me and Eleazar. "Come on upstairs, we have a room set up
for your new friend to use while she recovers."
It felt odd to have Bella's circumstances described that way, but I knew that Carmen was just trying to
make me feel more comfortable with the situation and I appreciated that. "Thank you for letting us stay
with you," I told her as she pulled me into a motherly hug.
"The Cullen's are always welcome to stay with us, no matter what the situation is," Carmen chided me and
hustled me up the stairs. "Alice says that the girl is going to be a great beauty and I agree; from what
little I saw of her she is going to rival my Tanya in looks."
"Well, I don't know if I would say that," came a familiar, sultry voice from an open door to our right.
I turned and saw a head of strawberry blonde hair as Tanya walked out into the hallway to greet us.
"Ah, Tanya," I said politely, "It's nice to see you again."
A glint of anger flashed in her eyes as she looked across the hall and watched Alice settling Bella into
bed. "I've been wondering when you would come back to see us. I've missed you," she said and her lower
lip pouted in a way I'm sure any other male would have found highly attractive. It always annoyed me.
Before I could give her a brotherly hug she leaned forward and pressed a welcoming kiss to my lips. I
smiled ruefully, knowing that this would be a problem I would have to face while staying here.
"Have you changed your mind about my offer?" Tanya thought the question as opposed to speaking it. I
knew it was because she didn't want anyone else to overhear.
I hesitated, looking into the room where Alice was attempting to comfort Bella. Then I shook my head,
unable to look at the hurt on her face from my rejection. "Now isn't a good time for this," I muttered.
"I see. I suppose I'm just going to have to watch you deal with your new friend," she thought bitterly.
I turned back toward her, anger and hurt clawing their way out of me and into my next words. "That isn't
it and you know it. I did this to her and now I need to help her," I spat forcefully at her.
A wounded look passed through her eyes and I knew my words had hit their mark. I reached out a hand
towards her to ease the pain I had caused, but I saw it was no use. She quickly turned back into her
room and shut the door with force that rattled the door frame. I closed my eyes and sighed, I would have
to make it up to her in some way, but I didn't know how. She wanted something I couldn't give her, and
it was hurting both of us more and more each time we saw each other.
"She will calm down, it is in her nature to be very passionate," Carmen reminded me. "Now go and sit
with your friend, she will be in need of a friend and mentor soon enough."
With that she took Eleazar by the hand, and they made their way back downstairs, leaving me to go inside
Bella's room and face the next three days agonizing at her side.