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Chapter 12

Today we begin the second stage of initiation. I sit in the simulation room at the computer to make sure everything is ready for the initiates. This is the part that will either make or break them. Being challenged with your worst fears and being forced to confront them usually causes at least one or two of the initiates to break down. In my initiation year, this is when James took a dive into the chasm. I guess the fears were too much to handle.

I walk out into the hall where both the Dauntless-born and transfer initiates wait.

"The Dauntless-born and transfer initiates were separated for stage one, from now on you will be training together." I tell everyone.

I look around, glance toward Tris sitting by Will, Christina, and Uriah. She is the only one to transcend the barrier that usually exists between Dauntless-born and transfers. This is just another thing about her that makes her special. I turn around and return to the simulation room to finalize everything before bringing them in.

I walk back into the hall it Lynn and Uriah trying to intimidate the transfers.

"Lynn," I beckon.

She gets up and follows me into the room where she sees the chair and starts to panic.

"What is this?" she demands.

"This is a fear simulation. I am going to inject the simulation serum into your neck. This will transport you into one of your greatest fears. You must find a way to calm yourself down in order to get out of the simulation." I explain to her.

She sits in the chair, I inject the serum and she is lost in her hallucination. I go to the computer and attach the wires so that I can observe what is happening.

It takes Lynn 15 minutes to finally calm herself down enough to escape the illusion. I give her a few minutes to compose herself and direct her to leave through the back door.

Back in the hall I beckon, "Peter."

I proceed to explain everything in much the same way that I explained it to Lynn. It takes Peter about 18 minutes to escape his nightmare world.

This continues through all of the initiates. On average they are taking between 8 to 18 minutes to get through their fears.

I reenter the hall, "Come on, Tris." I say.

She stands and begins walking when Drew sticks out his leg to trip her. At the last second she hops over his leg effortlessly.

I rest my hand on her shoulder and I lead her into the room first, then shut the door quietly. I always manage to find a way to touch her. I wonder if she notices.

She stops and recoils. I bump into her and her shoulders hit my chest. She must realize what this is.

"Sit," I say. I wrap my hands around her arms, and guide her towards the chair.

"What's the simulation?" she asks me. Her voice is shaky and unsure.

"Ever hear the phrase 'face your fears'?" I ask her. "We're taking that literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation."

She touches a hand to her forehead nervously. She slowly walks toward the chair, terror on her face and in every move she makes. I stay close by for support hoping that my presence will give her some courage and support.

"Do you ever administer the aptitude tests?" she asks.

"No," I say. "I avoid Stiffs as much as possible."

She looks at me confused, "Why?"

"Do you ask me that because you think I'll actually answer?" I don't intend to sound so unpleasant, but I'm not ready to share that information with anyone.

"Why do you say vague things if you don't want to be asked about them?" she asks.

Usually through vague comments, I am able to get people to stop asking me questions. Most Dauntless look at this as just another quark of the mysterious 'prodigy' that is Four. That mystery is what feeds into the reputation that I have managed to create. All it does with her though is cause her to ask more questions. She is not afraid of my hard shell. She seems determined to break through and find the real me, I'm just not sure if she will like me once she knows.

I gently move her hair and brush her neck with the tips of my fingers in the process. Her hair is silky and the skin on her neck, supple. I tap a syringe with my finger.

"An injection?" she asks, her eyes widening at the sight of the needle in my hand.

"We use a more advanced version of the simulation here," I say, "a different serum, no wires or electrodes for you."

"How does it work without wires?" she asks warily.

"Well I have wires, so I can see what's going on," I explain. "But for you, there's a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer."

I hold her arm with one hand to calm her and gently push the needle into the side of her neck with my other hand. She grimaces and looks up at me searching for some kind of reassurance.

"The serum will go into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test," I say. "In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdale, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions- like fear- and then induces the hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down- that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing."

I place my hands of both sides of her head and lean into her. I can see the terror in her face and hear her labored breathing.

"Be brave, Tris," I whisper. "The first time is always the hardest." I wish I could comfort her more. We lock eyes for a moment before the serum takes effect.

I quickly go over to the computer and attach the wires that will allow me to observe her hallucination.

I plunge myself into her simulated world. She is in a field of tall dry grass, the sky the color of bile. Suddenly there is a flapping all around her. Crows!

I watch helplessly as she struggles against the crows and screams for help. She attempts to fight against them, but they just keep coming. She screams and sobs as the birds continue pecking at her. She needs to calm down. Suddenly she lies on the ground and allows the crows to peck at her. And she wakes.

Three minutes. It only took her three minutes to figure out how to get out of the simulation. I'm starting to wonder if my suspicions about her being Divergent could be correct. Being from Abnegation, it is a very distinct possibility. She didn't do anything to alter the simulation, but she made it come to an end so much faster than anyone else. This could be a huge problem for her. But how do I find out without drawing attention to her? I'm just going to have to watch her simulations and help her as best I can. Who knows where I would be right now if it weren't for Amar watching out for me through the simulations.

Then I remember her mother's words do me. She said that Tris was in danger, she must know that Tris is Divergent. She wanted me to watch out for her and protect her through this. But how did she know that Tris would be able to be identified in the second part of initiation. Then I realize, her mother was different than any other Abnegation that I have ever met. She was Dauntless.

She opens her eyes and suddenly she screams and starts hitting her arms and legs like the crows are still there. She pulls her legs up and buries her face.

I approach her and put a hand on her shoulder, she swings her fist without looking and punches my stomach.

"Don't touch me!" And she starts crying harder.

"It's over," I say. I stroke her hair, trying to comfort her. I want to lift her up and embrace her until she calms down. I like this girl so much. I just want to do anything I can to take away her pain. I have no idea if what I'm doing is even helping. Where is Shauna when I need her guidance? It might be time to really talk to her about this.

She runs her hands up and down the skin on her arms like she is brushing away feathers that aren't there. She slowly starts rocking back and forth.

"Tris."

She is silent.

"Tris, I'm going to take you back to the dorms, okay?"

"No!" she sobs. She glares at me, but she is finding it difficult to calm her quivering lip and tears. "They can't see me… not like this…"

"Oh, calm down," I say, rolling my eyes. "I'll take you out the back door."

Doesn't she understand that they all look like this? They all break down. The only difference here is that I don't have any desire to walk any of the rest of them back to their dorm. I just let them go and deal with it on their own. I don't want to do that with her.

"I don't need you to…" her voice cuts off and she shakes her head. Her body is trembling and she doesn't seem like she even completely knows where she is.

"Nonsense," I say.

I grab her arm lift her out of the chair. I direct her toward the back door as she begins to wipe the tear from her face.

We walk down the hallway toward the dorms. She stops suddenly and pulls her arm away.

"Why did you do that to me?" she asks. "What was the point of that huh? I wasn't aware that when I chose Dauntless, I was signing up for weeks of torture!"

The stress of the simulation has worn off now; her fear has turned to anger. I have to be stern with her to help to keep her strong.

"Did you think overcoming cowardice would be easy?" I ask her, my voice level and without emotion.

"That isn't overcoming cowardice! Cowardice is how you decide to be in real life, and in real life, I am not getting pecked to death by crows, Four!" she presses her face in her hands and starts sobbing again.

She needs to find the inner strength to continue through this and not allow the fears to overcome her.

"I want to go home," her confession barely audible.

I continue to keep my words calm and level and we make eye contact. "Learning how to think in the midst of fear," I say, "is a lesson that everyone, even your Stiff family, needs to learn. That's what we're trying to teach you. If you can't learn it, you'll need to get the hell out of here, because we won't want you." This is a harsh lesson that she needs to learn now if she wants to make it to the end of initiation.

"I'm trying." Her lip quivers. "But I failed. I'm failing."

I let out a sigh. "How long do you think you spent in that hallucination, Tris?"

"I don't know." She shakes her head and looks down. "A half hour?"

"Three minutes," I say. "You got out three times faster than the other initiates. Whatever you are, you're not a failure." A smile sneaks up onto my face. "Tomorrow you'll be better at this. You'll see."

"Tomorrow?" she says like she can't believe she has to go through this again.

I touch her back and guide her toward her room. She seems to calm a bit at my touch. She looks at me, but I can't read her expression.

"What was your first hallucination?" she says.

"It wasn't a 'what' so much as a 'who.'" I shrug my shoulders. "It's not important."

"Are you over that fear now?"

"Not yet." We reach the dormitory doors and I lean against the wall. I slip my hands into the pockets at my hips. "I may never be."

"So they don't go away?"

"Sometimes they do. And sometimes new fears replace them." My fingers fiddle with my belt loops and I look at her. "But becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that's the point."

She nods, looking at me thoughtfully. She has been able to calm herself and relax a bit.

"Anyway, your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation," I say.

"What do you mean?" he eyes lock to mine.

"Well, are you really afraid of crows?" I ask her, smiling. "When you see one, do you run away screaming?"

"No. I guess not." She steps to lean on the wall, closing the gap between us a bit. She looks at me thinking about what I said. She leans in a little closer, closing the gap even more. She is standing so close to me now that it wouldn't require much effort to wrap her in my embrace. "So what am I really afraid of?" she asks.

"I don't know," I say, honestly. "Only you can know."

She nods. "I didn't know becoming Dauntless would be this difficult," she says looking a little worried that she said it out loud.

"It wasn't always like this, I'm told," I say, shrugging.

"What changed?"

"The leadership," I say. "The person who controls the training sets the standard of Dauntless behavior. Six years ago Max and the other leaders changed the training methods to make them more competitive and brutal, said it was supposed to test people's strength. And that changed the priorities of Dauntless as a whole. Bet you can't guess who the leader's new protégé is."

I don't feel like I am talking to her like she is an initiate anymore. She is just a girl that I have walked to her room. We are friends talking about whatever topic arises. I like talking to her like this. I feel like I could tell her anything, my deepest, darkest secrets and she wouldn't judge me.

She looks up at me like she finally understands. "So if you were ranked first in your initiate class," she says, "what was Eric's rank?"

"Second."

"So he was their second choice for leadership," she nods, figuring more out. "And you were their first."

I don't really answer. "What makes you say that?"

"The way Eric was acting at dinner the first night. Jealous, even though he has what he wants."

This doesn't require response. She knows she has figured this all out and she doesn't need me to respond for her to know she is correct.

She sniffs, wipes her face, runs her hands over her hair. "Do I look like I've been crying?" she asks.

"Hmm." I lean in close to her, my eyes taking in every aspect of her face. We are so close that I can tell that she is holding her breath. My lips curl into a smile.

"No, Tris," I say, my face becoming more serious. "You look tough as nails."