I own nothing!

Chapter 13

After the first day of simulations, I'm just as stressed as the initiates. The simulations take so much out of them as they go in and fight against their fears that most of them will begin to have lasting effects from them. But they also have an effect on me. Having to sit through all of those simulations is unnerving and exhausting.

So when Zeke says that he and some others are going to hang by the chasm and have a couple beers tonight, I don't hesitate to go too. I just need to unwind a little tonight, especially after our moment. After her simulation there was a moment that I really felt a connection to her. I've felt something starting to build in me since she he fell into my life.

So tonight I stand at the railing above the chasm with my friends and lose myself and my thoughts in the bottle of beer that is in my hand. The more I drink, the easier the beers are going down. I'm enjoying this little taste of freedom and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon.

I can feel that my stress and inhibitions are lifting with every drink. I'm definitely feeling pretty good right now. That glorious fuzzy feeling that comes with each drink that I consume is well worth the headache that will accompany the arrival of a new day tomorrow morning.

Even though standing by the chasm drunk probably isn't the best idea in the world, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else tonight. I love this place and I love the sounds. That along with the beers is helping me relax and lose my normal edge. It is also helping to keep my mind off of her. Lately she keeps creeping into my dreams and consciousness without me even realizing it. I find that I do whatever I can to make physical contact with her as often as I can. I space out sometimes when there is nothing else going on because I'm thinking about her. I can't figure out why, but I need to be around her. I need to see her and feel her near me, even if it is all just one sided. I don't know why she is so important to me or why was it so damn important for me to comfort her after her simulation. I didn't feel the need to comfort anyone else. I just sent the rest of them out the door to deal with it on their own. She should not mean this much to me. She should be just another initiate. But she isn't just another initiate, not to me. She is everything that I have longed for my whole life.

What is it about her that I can't seem to resist? She has a spark that she doesn't even realize she has. It causes people to be drawn to her. I've seen what it has done to Al and even Uriah. She doesn't do anything to draw attention to herself. People, especially male people, just can't help but to be drawn to her. But for me it's different. Al is drawn to the weak Abnegation girl and Uriah is drawn to the strong and capable Dauntless girl. But me, I'm drawn to her because she is encapsulates the best of both factions. The strong capable Dauntless girl who can take care of herself and the selfless and sweet Abnegation girl who would forget about her needs and put herself in danger to help someone else

I've got to stop this. The point of having drinks with my friends and trying to relax and lose myself for a while was not so I would stand here and think about her all night. This was supposed to help me forget about her for a while. I try to focus on what Zeke is talking about. He's been telling stories for the past half hour about our initiation.

Zeke begins telling another story from our initiate days.

"Hey, you remember the day that Shauna showed up in the dining hall after waking up late without her pants on? She was so upset that she slept in that she just ran out of the dorms without even noticing that she wasn't wearing any pants. No one could believe their eyes! I thought Four and his Abnegation were going to faint!" We all laugh hysterically as Shauna shoots him a look of death. Then she joins in with the laughter.

"And then… and then…" he can't even finish his story because now he is laughing so hard that tears fill his eyes and he can't catch his breath. This makes us all laugh even harder. I don't know if the story is that funny or if it is the fact that we are a little buzzed by this point. I am laughing so hard that I have to grasp the railing for balance.

Next Lauren starts telling a story about the first time Zeke went zip-lining.

"He screamed like a little girl all the way down," she laughs. "Then he refused to drop down out of the harness because he was sure we were going to let him crash to the pavement."

Now I'm in tears remembering that first zip-lining trip. Everyone was so focused on what a fool Zeke made out of himself, that no one noticed how terrified I was.

I lean on the railing, still holding on to keep my balance, and blink away the tears that have formed through my laughter. Then suddenly I see her. She just left the tattoo parlor with her friends. Christina is getting a piggyback ride from Al and Tris and Will walk behind them talking and smiling.

Her smile is carefree and her face is calm and confident. There is something different about her that I can't place from this distance. But she is even more noticeable than normal. She is fascinating and audacious. She demands attention without meaning to. She is also very pretty… but she really has no idea. No one has ever told her how beautiful she is. She has only ever been told that worrying about her appearance is self-indulgent and wrong. I would love to be the one that helps her to realize how beautiful, strong, and brilliant she is. To be the one that helps her to explore her depths and helps her to escape from whatever holds her back from being truly powerful and someone to contend with.

I watch as she and her friends cross the Pit and move closer in my direction. Will sees me and points in my direction, drawing her attention to where I'm standing and laughing with my friends.

My friends joke around me, but my attention has moved to where she stands with Will. I wonder if there is something going on there. Will once told me he had feelings for one of the girls. I had thought it was Christina, but maybe I was wrong. Shauna sees where I'm looking.

She whispers in my ear smiling, "Four, you need to go do this now." Then she makes a comment for everyone to hear about how Zeke totally freaked out after the first simulation when he saw bug on the floor next to his bed. "He ran screaming from the dorm like it was going to chase him and kill him.

I grab a hold of the railing for balance as I laugh at the memory of Zeke running away from a little bug. Then I gather my courage. It is now or never! I look at Shauna and she continues with another story, distracting everyone from what I'm about to do.

I stand up straight and pull myself away from the railing. I walk toward her and away from my friends. When I'm close enough to her and at a good distance from them, I call out to her.

"Tris!" I yell.

I see her exchange a nervous look with Will and I wonder what she is thinking right now.

She and Will stop and look at me when I call her name. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that Christina and Al have also stopped and are looking at me curiously as I approach her. I don't even acknowledge that they are standing there; I am only focused on her. Talking to her and being close to her.

When I'm close enough to really see her, I can see that she does look different than she does during training. Her eyes seem to be a brighter blue. She wears make-up to define her big beautiful blue eyes. It gives her an edge that she doesn't usually have. Her clothes are also tighter and a bit more revealing. She looks gorgeous!

"You look different," I say. My words are a bit slower and thicker than normal.

"So do you," she says. She looks at me like she is studying the differences between this Four and the instructor. It seems like she's trying to hide a smile. "What are you doing?"

I want to say Flirting with you, but I decide quickly that might not be a good idea.

"Flirting with death," I say with a laugh, realizing that a declaration of my feelings at this point would be a really bad idea. "Drinking near the chasm." I continue, "Probably not a good idea."

"No, it isn't."

I can't help but stare at her, everything about her, the clothes, hair, face, and her body is mesmerizing. She intrigues me. And then when I think I have memorized every inch of her, I see the tattoo.

"Didn't know you had a tattoo," I say looking at the birds that are in flight on her collarbone. I take a drink from my bottle. "Right, the crows." I am only slightly aware that her friends are staring at us now. I take a quick glance over my shoulder. My friends still look like they are having a blast behind me.

"I'd ask you to hang with us, but you're not supposed to see me this way," I say. I have lost my filter. My normal inhibitions are gone, lost in the bottom of one of the many bottles that I have consumed tonight. I'm just saying the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how it sounds. I want to get to know this girl and if I keep playing around, I'm going to lose my opportunity. One of these other guys are finally going to get up the nerve to make a move, then I could lose my chances with her forever. That is just not an option. I'm so damn sick of being rigid. I want to be the carefree eighteen year old that I should be.

She seems to contemplate what I just said. "What way? Drunk?" she asks. I hope she doesn't think that the only reason that I'm talking to her right now is because I'm drunk. That is the reason I finally got the nerve to talk to her without the instructor-initiate categories that constantly separate us and keep us apart.

"Yeah…well no," I say. I quickly add in a softer tone, "Real, I guess."

The leaders don't want the initiates to know Lauren and me as real people, at least not until after initiation. I think it is a stupid rule, especially since most of Lauren's initiates already know her as a real person, since they've lived here their whole lives.

"I'll pretend I didn't," she says reassuringly.

"Nice of you."

Everything about her ignites a fire within me. Her attitude and confidence make her… sexy. I want nothing more right now than to be close to her. It sends a chill down my spine that gives me and extra boost of confidence. I lean so close to her that if she turned, I'd be able to touch her lips.

"You look good, Tris," I say near her ear.

My heart is pounding out of my chest. I don't understand what it is about this girl that makes me drop all of my guard. She is certainly special, and I am definitely attracted to every aspect of her being. Her strength, brilliance, kindness, selflessness, everything about her makes me want to risk everything to be with her.

I stare into her beautiful blue/grey eyes and wait to see if she is going to respond. She pauses for a moment, looks at the bottle in my hands, then to my face. She scans my eyes and smiles.

"Do me a favor and stay away from the chasm, okay?" she says with a laugh.

Her laugh is genuine and contagious. "Of course," I say with a wink.

She smiles.

Will clears his throat. I gather myself. Although I want to stay here with her, I know it is time to part ways. I turn and walk away, feeling the smile that I can't hide take over my face. And when I feel her gaze is on me as I walk away, it leaves me hopeful that maybe there could be something more.

After I walk a few steps, Tris shrieks. I turn to see that she is strung over Al's shoulder. A ting of jealousy flows through my body when I see her being carried in his arms. I know he has feelings for her. You can see it in the way he looks at her. At least with Uriah, I know there is nothing more than friendship there. He's in love with Marlene, he has been for two years now. Our eyes meet and she waves at me as he carries her toward the dining hall. I smile back but all I can think is how much I would love to pummel Al and take her into my arms.

I shake myself out of my stupor and turn to go back to my friends.

Shauna steps towards me, "Well?" she asks.

"I talked to her, it's something I guess. Although she probably thought I was drunk and that I didn't know what I was saying."

Shauna smiled, "Well, at least we know one thing."

"What's that?"

"That girl has it bad for you."

"How do you know? You weren't even there."

"Trust me, that girl is completely infatuated with you. She couldn't stop smiling the entire time you were talking to her and she couldn't keep her eyes off of you."

I smile at this. Maybe having a relationship with Tris is a real possibility after all.

I decide that it is time for me to head back to my apartment. Tomorrow is another simulation day, I need to get some sleep.