I own nothing!

Chapter 19

I finally decide that I'm going to bring her into my fear landscape tonight. I got two syringes with the simulation serum and the simulation is set to go into my landscape. Most of Dauntless has gone back to business as usual, but most of the initiates are still pretty shaken up over what happened with Al. It has been three days since the funeral and I have not had the chance to talk to Tris at all.

I finish my shift in the control room and am ready to walk to the dorms to look for her when I see her standing by the chasm with her friends. They are standing around the railing throwing papers into the chasm. Tris picks up the entire pile of papers and throws them into the chasm, watching them drift back and forth down in to the depths.

I begin to walk up the narrow path that leads to the glass ceiling and the fear landscape room. I make sure to walk slow enough that I catch her attention and hope that she follows me. Right now I'm counting on the fact that she wants to see me as much as I want to see her.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see that she noticed me. She motions to me as though she is telling her friends she sees me. They move down the hall toward the dorms and she proceeds to follow me up the path. Once I reach the other side of the glass room, I hear her stop at the top of the stairs.

"Since you're here," I say without turning around, "you might as well go in with me."

"Into your fear landscape?"

"Yes." I say. I have never allowed someone to see this much of me before.

"I can do that?" she asks as she walks toward me.
"The serum connects you to the program," I say, "but the program determines whose landscape you go through and right now, it's set to put us through mine."

"You would let me see that?"

"Why else do you think I'm going in?" I speak very quietly and I don't meet her eyes. I'm scared of what her reaction will be, but I want her to know me, and this is the best way for her to really know and understand me. "There are some things I want to show you."

I hold up the syringe, she moves close to me and tilts her head to expose her neck. She doesn't flinch anymore, she's gotten used to it by now. I set the needle down, and hand her the box with the other syringe.

"I've never done this before," she says, picking up the syringe.

"Right here," I say, I stick my nail into the skin to leave a mark so she know where to place the needle. She stands on her tiptoes so that she can reach, her hands shake as she pushes the needle into my skin.

There's no going back now!

I take the needle from her and put them back in the box. I leave the box by the door. I take her hand and lace my fingers into hers and lead her into the dark room.

"See if you can figure out why they call me Four," I say. The door closes behind us and we are in complete darkness. She moves closer to me and I can feel her chin near my shoulder.

"What's your real name?"

"See if you can figure that out too."

We are in the simulation.

We are high above the ground on the metal scaffolding of an old building. The wind gusts all around us. Suddenly there is a burst of wind and Tris leans into me to steady herself. But I am ready to panic. Not only am I afraid that I'm going to fall; now I'm scared that she is going to fall. I take my hand from hers and wrap my arm around her shoulders. I am starting to hyperventilate and I can't think straight. She looks at me and realizes that I am terrified.

"We have to jump off, right?" she shouts over her shoulder.

I nod. I can't seem to do much more than that now. The fear is taking me over.

"On three, okay?"

She wants me to jump? Is she crazy? There has to be another way, doesn't there?! Then I remember that is the only way out.

I nod again.

"One… two… three!" She pulls me with her and all of a sudden we are airborne. We plummet to the ground and the scene disappears.

One down.

We are standing on solid ground. I gasp for air as I press my hands to my chest trying desperately to calm myself down.

"What's next?" she ask.

"It's…"

I don't have a chance to finish; the walls start to close in around us and we are trapped. The space is so narrow that I barely fit alone and the ceiling is forcing me to hunch over.

"Confinement," she says.

I try to respond, but I just end up making a noise. She is very close to me but I can't think of anything other than this space. My mind goes blank and my thoughts drift to faraway places from my childhood. I feel myself grimace.

"Hey," she says. "It's okay. Here"

She guides my hands around her body and she presses herself as close to me as she can. I put my face next to hers. My body is tense and I can't think.

"This is the first time I'm happy that I'm so small," she laughs.

I know she is trying to distract me, but this fear runs deep and I barely am able to think, let alone respond.

"Mmhmm," is all I'm able to get out. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. I usually don't panic quite this badly.

"We can't break out of here," she says. "It's easier to face the fear head on, right? So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better. Right?"

I can barely handle this now, and she wants me to make the space smaller? But deep down I know she is right. I just can't think at all for some reason.

"Yes," I say anxiously.

"Okay. We'll have to crouch, then. Ready?"

She squeezes my waist and pulls me down with her. I hear the ceiling following us down. She turns her body so that her back is in my chest. She curls into a little ball under me giving me as much room as she possibly can. My breaths rattle out of me and I can't calm down. My heart races but somewhere in me I wonder if that has anything to do with our closeness. She is pressed so close to me that a small part of me forgets the fear and registers the feel of her body.

"Ah, this is worse. This is definitely…" I say.

"Shh," she says. "Arms around me."

She pulls my arms around her body again and I obediently follow her direction. She presses herself closer to me, closer than she has ever been. My head is next to her ear and I notice that she is smiling. Why is she smiling?

"The simulation measures your fear response," she reminds me. "So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will more on to the next one. Remember? So try to forget that we're here."

Yeah, forget that we are trapped in this tiny box with now way out? Not likely! I do like feeling her body this close to mine though, but that feeling is overcome by the desperate fear.

"Yeah?" I say, "That easy, huh?"

"You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl," she says.

"Not claustrophobic people, Tris!"

I am beginning to get more and more desperate to get out of here. I can't calm down at all for some reason and I'm beginning to think that it is partially due to how close she is and the feel of her body under mine.

"Okay, okay." She guides my hand to her chest so that I can feel her heart beat. "Feel my heart beat. Can you feel it?"

"Yes."

"Feel how steady it is?"

I smile a little, "its fast."

Why is your heart racing Tris? You aren't afraid of small spaces!

"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box," she says. I knew it. Her heart is racing because of me. Slowly I can feel the desperation subside a bit. But not enough. "Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that."

"Okay."

She breathes deeply and I follow her lead. It helps a little.

"Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us… somehow."

I really don't want to go there, but she is right, it might help to acknowledge the fear.

"Um… okay." I take a deep breath. "This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs."

This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this and I feel the desperation fade just a little more. Whatever she is doing here is helping me.

"My mother kept our winter coats in our closet."

I know she is just trying to distract me, she has no idea what to say about my declaration that I was abused. "I don't…" I breathe in quickly. "I don't' really want to talk about it anymore." I say that just as much for her as for myself.

"Okay. Then… I can talk. Ask me something."

Here is my chance. I laugh a little and say, "Okay. Why is your heart racing, Tris?"

"Well, I…" she stops and searches for the right words. This makes me smile even more. I seem to have the same affect on her that she has on me. "I barely know you. I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?"

"If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?" I ask her.

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Of course you're not. But that's not what I meant."

I laugh and the walls break apart. She did it; she helped me get through another fear. I stand in front of her grinning. I finally am sure that bringing her here was the right decision. Not only is she learning about me, but I am learning about her. Not what she fears, but how she feels. "Maybe you were cut out for Candor, because you are a terrible liar." I smile.

"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well," she says.

"The aptitude test tells you nothing." I tell her. There are so many things that I want to tell her, but now is not the time.

"What are you trying to tell me? Your test is the reason that you ended up in Dauntless?"

She looks at me searching my face and eyes for the answer. "Not exactly, no. I…"

The next fear is here. There is a woman with a gun pointing right at us. She doesn't move at all. She never moves. The table appears next to me with the gun and a single bullet. Every time I have to shoot her. I can't find any other way out of this one.

"You have to kill her," Tris says.

"Every single time"

"She isn't real."

"She looks real. It feels real." I say.

"If she was real, she would have killed you already."

"It's okay; I'll just… do it. This one's not… not so bad. Not as much panic involved."

No there isn't as much panic, but I don't want to be a murder, and this feels like murder. But it has to be done to move on. I take the gun from the table and load it. Point the gun at the woman. Breathe in aim, exhale fire. The woman hits the floor and I drop the gun. Tris grabs my hand and starts pulling me until I follow.

"C'mon," she says. "Let's keep moving."

Okay, here is where things get really bad. This is where she is going to learn pretty much everything there is to know about me.

"Here we go," I whisper to her.

He stands in the shadows, just out of the light and begins to creep forward. He comes into view and I cower. I don't mean to, but I can't seem to stand up to this man that beat my mother, and when she died, started to beat me. Locking me in closets and whipping me with his belt. I always had so many bruises on me that I rarely socialized outside with the other kids. That is the reason that she didn't know me back then. I always hid from the world. When I saw her mother I suddenly remembered that I knew her in another life time. I knew Beatrice, the little blond girl from Abnegation. The little girl who played in the street front of our houses, then the young woman that who would sit outside and observe the world. I met her a couple times when her parents invited us to dinner. She was so quiet and proper but her eyes were deep and questioning. She always intrigued me. She still does.

"Marcus," she whispers.

"Here is the part, when you figure out my name." I say, barely audible.

"Is he…" her voice trails off. She looks from him to me and slowly she begins to understand.

"Tobias."

Marcus moves toward me slowly and deliberately. Then suddenly there are eleven other Marcus' surrounding us. They uncoil the belt that is wrapped around their hands.

"This is for your own good," Marcus says and then it echoes around the room.

At this I am frozen, taken back to a time when I wasn't Four, wasn't Dauntless.

Marcus pulls his arm back ready to strike me with the belt. I shield my face. But the hit never comes. I look up and Tris has the belt wrapped around her arm and is pulling it away from him. She grabs it by the buckle and swings and hits him with it. He lunges at her with razor sharp claws. I push Tris aside and get between them. He is not going to hurt her! I'm not afraid, I'm furious.

Then he is gone. The simulation is over and we are back in the cement room.

"That's it?" she says. Those were your worst fears? Why do you only have four…" her voice trails off. Now she knows how I got my nickname. "Oh, that's why they call you…"

I'm standing there staring at her. I can't believe she did that. She got me through my landscape and she stood up to Marcus.

I walk over to her, take her by the arm and pull her to me. I kiss her cheek and wrap my arms around her shoulders tightly. I bury my face in her neck and breathe. She loops her arms around me.

"Hey, we got through it," she tells me.

I pull my hand up and run my finger through her hair.

"You got me through it." I say.

"Well," she says, "It's easy to be brave when they're not my fears."

I take her hand in mind and lace my finger into hers.

"Come on, I have something else to show you."