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Chapter 5

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Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

(Inevitable, Anberlin)

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Kyoya woke up the next morning groggy. He opened his eyes and flinched as the sunlight shafted through into his headache. There was something on the end of his bed.

The man looked up and saw a girl, sitting in clothes much too large for her frame, sitting crossed legged and staring out the window.

"Would you laugh at gilded butterflies?" Were the first words she said. They were like the insect themselves, light, secretive. Everything she said now seemed to some out that way.

"And ask of thee forgiveness; so we'll live." King Lear, William Shakespeare. He knew it was Yuuki's favorite from him, way above Romeo and Juliet and Titus Andronicus.

"What does that even mean?"

"Gilded butterflies?"

She nodded once.

"Why make something more beautiful that it already is? Leave it be so it does not become something to jest at. Let it be as it is."

"I always thought it meant not to hide the things of your heart, don't bind yourself in something that will restrict movement. Let things be." The pressed her forefingers together, the shirt hiding them up to the knuckles. Yuuki turned her face to Kyoya.

He sat up. The left side of her face was bruised and her lip had a short gash in it.

The Ootori stared. "It could mean both."

"It's quite the possibility." She recited the statement they had made a million times at an impasse.

"Quite."

She turned her face away and looked down at her hands. There was a silence, one that told of the time apart, wounded and unhealing. How do you restart something that you couldn't save progress on? They didn't know how to pick up from the past, but neither found themselves caring. Each was there, with the other. Just being, as they once had. Forgiveness was granted, all that was left to do was rise from the dead and stop pretending like everything was alright.

"Yuuki?" Kyoya said, getting up and crossing over to his closet, putting his glasses on as he did so.

She looked up and didn't say anything.

"What happened last night?"

The girl turned her gaze back out the window. "I…um. I went to my dad's house. He…he said he wanted to have dinner." Her eyebrows knitted together. "I thought that meant he wanted me back, as his daughter. But…he just wanted a business partner. He said if I had to join the Cunxin group to repair his damaged reputation."

Kyoya turned around and raised his eyebrows.

Yuuki continued in her quiet manner. "Uh…I said no. I wasn't interested in being used like that. I wasn't interested in the business. I tried to call a cab. He…" She touched her cheekbone, it was turning blue. "Um." Yuuki swallowed. "I need to get a new mobile….Then, I got up and he grabbed my wrist and told me I had to join him, he had drunk a bit; not enough to get drunk but obviously enough to lose self-direction. I tried to use the home phone, which might need to be replaced too, can't remember. Then I left and got in the car. Dad got mad and smashed his wine glass, leaving the stem. He threw it at me, well…in my direction. I don't know. And then…I ended up…here."

The girl felt slightly ashamed and didn't know why. Maybe it was that she had put herself in that situation. Kyoya was standing, looking at her, with a coat-hanger in his hands. He pressed his glasses higher and Yuuki fought the urge to smile at the familiar motion.

"You could sue him."

Yuuki looked at him again. "No, I…don't want to."

"Why?"

"Because, even if not legally, he's still my father."

"Even by birth, he was never a father to you." Kyoya knew exactly what he was talking about. He had never had a father, only a mentor.

Yuuki smiled softly. "Poor little orphan then, huh?"

"Not anymore." Kyoya crossed the room to the bathroom and shut the door.

The girl stared at the closed door, her head cocked slightly, thinking about what he had said.

The night before, he had apologized in the only way he knew how and she had forgiven him. He had started putting her back together as the only person who could and she had done the same for him.

Yuuki started as the phone on the bedside started ringing. It was an annoying tone, one everyone in the host club knew well. Tamaki's ring tone. He had changed everyone's mobiles to ring it whenever he called, it was most annoying. The girl reached over and picked the mobile up, looking at the picture. She felt an urge to talk to him. To hear another voice from her past.

"Hello?" She opened the phone and pressed it to her ear. Her voice small, uncertain.

"Hello? I think I have the wro…" Yuuki could picture the blonde removing the device from his ear and looking at the number curiously. "No, who is this?"

"This is Yuuki." The girl crossed her legs under herself again, waiting for a reaction, her thumb in her mouth.

"Yuuki?"

"Yes?"

Silence. "OH MY GOSH! YUUKI!!!!!!!"

The girl moved the phone from her ear and waited for him to calm down.

"Wait…why are you at Kyoya's…so…early in the morning…."

Yuuki knew what he was thinking and was quick to quell the thought. "No, Tamaki, nothing like that. I see you never moved your mind out of the gutter."

"It's a nice place."

"I'm sure."

"Where's Kyoya?"

"Um…" The girl looked over at the bathroom. He was leaning on the doorframe watching her, dressed in day clothes, pajamas in hand. She pointed at the phone and made a questioning gesture with her hand. Kyoya sighed and held his palm out. "He's coming."

She handed the phone over and took his other clothes, putting them beside her. Their fingers touched momentarily and another piece of broken being got stuck back in place. Inside, Yuuki still ached. It still hurt. But she was at the place she needed to be to get healed, and that helped.

"Tamaki?" Pause. "Yes, no, I didn't forget. Calm down. No, mother will fill you in later. Tamaki. Tam…Seriously, shut up for a second. Thank you. No…don't start talki…Okay, no. No, she won

t be coming. No. Ta…Take a sleeping pill. Why? Because your abnormally awake. I know it's the morning. Okay. No, don't bring them over. No, yes. That's fine. Bye."

Kyoya closed the phone and ran a hand over his face.

"Same old?" Yuuki looked up at him.

"Unfortunately." He knelt down and put his hands on her face. "How does that feel?"

"Bruised." He was pressing his thumb on her cheekbone.

Kyoya peered at her cut lip. "And that?"

"Sore." She replied as he pressed it.

"You know, it's not your fault."

Yuuki turned her face out of his grip. "I…"

"Don't think I don't know what the past year has been like for you. I would probably have done the same thing."

"Would you have come to me?"

"Probably. I would have kept the car intact though."

Yuuki smiled quietly. "What did Tamaki want?"

It was funny, their relationship as friends and subtly something more had just fallen back, as if it was supposed to be. As if they had been drawn back together and nothing could stop it. Nothing could prevent them from forgiving the other, from beginning to heal the other, from stopping them finding the niche where they fit perfectly into the other.

"Tamaki forgot and then Tamaki wanted to see you."

"He's coming here?"

"Yes."

Yuuki waved her long sleeves in his face shyly. "Where's my real shirt?"

"It's just Tamaki."

"You're a boy."

"Yes."

"You don't get it, it's bad being like this in front of me." She didn't say it was bad being dressed like that in front of him, he was part of her again and always had been.

"You don't like my mother's clothes?"

"She's taller than I am."

"That's not very hard, Yuuki."

She frowned and tried rolling up the sleeves. "Where are your parents? And brothers?"

"Osaka, all of them for a conference. And…married, engaged."

Softer reply than usual. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"I missed a lot." Yuuki looked down again.

Kyoya sat beside her. "You did, I did too."

"I'm sorry."

He frowned at her. "Stop saying that."

"Sor…" Yuuki paused. "Apologies."

"And all abbreviations, synonyms and adjectives." Pause. "And different languages."

"Okay."

Pause. "I'm sorry." Kyoya looked at her.

"For what?"

"For…being your father."

"If you were my father then this is exceptionally wrong. And probably against the law."

Kyoya smiled, she still had her old wit, even though it was dampened by the evening. "You know what I mean."

Yuuki didn't say anything. "You…It hurt, yes. But running away hurt more, and made me as bad as you."

Silence. Testing the threads was a hard thing to do. Choosing one to pick up was slightly harder.

Yuuki was still afraid of someone getting close to her. So she inadvertently put an arm's length between the deep and meaningful and the silence. "Try saying abbreviation as an abbreviation."

"Like…remove the vowels?" She was still the only person who he would question.

"Abbrvtn." The noise came out more like an 'abfshin' than anything else.

Kyoya did it perfectly. Yuuki scowled and stood up, fighting the long pant legs as she did so.

-

The blonde burst into the kitchen where the pair were sitting, staring at each other over a cup of tea; in perfect silence that shattered in an instant.

"YUUUUUKI!" He threw his arms around the girl from behind. She chocked on her drink.

"Tamaki, don't pull her shoulder." Kyoya said sternly.

"Why?" Tamaki spun the girl's stool around and hugged her again, preparing to sweep her off her feet and into the air.

"If you undo my stitches, then you'll have to get some."

"Stitches?" The blonde looked at Yuuki, his hands under her armpits and her feet off the ground. She looked remarkably uncomfortable. He noticed the bruising on her face for the first time.

"Did mother do that?" Tamaki accused. "If he did, daddy wants a divorce."

"No." Yuuki's voice was quiet. "He didn't. Can I sit down?"

Tamaki put her back on the seat and leaned on the counter. "What happened?"

"She drove into a lamppost." Kyoya said flatly, not revealing the whole story.

"As in, the lamppost down the street?"

"Most likely."

Tamaki's eyes went wide. "Wow. I can see why you're so banged up. Did you face-plant the dash or something? I thought cars had airbags now days." Still as ignorant as ever. Good old Tamaki.

"Sorry." Kyoya addressed Yuuki.

She smiled softly at him, telling him not to worry. She had changed like that, she learnt to take flak, carry it and never give it away. A self-reliant, self-destruction method.

"Oh!" The blonde exploded again, this time on a completely different topic. "What are you doing in March next year?" He gripped Yuuki's shoulders.

"Um…I don't know." She was somewhat confused.

"Well, you do now!" Tamaki stood valiantly. "Haruhi needs a maid of honor and your swelling and bruising will be long gone by then!"

Yuuki's eyes went wide. "Who's she marrying?"

Suoh's face fell and he disappeared to a corner.

"Oh." She realized that he was the groom. Yuuki looked at Kyoya who was staring at Tamaki blankly. "Did…I…?"

"Yes. But he'll get over it."

"Okay." There was a long pause as the pair looked at the blonde. "You sure?"

"Same old remember?"

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An hour later Yuuki realized something and swore in German.

"What?" Tamaki, having regained his usual persona, looked somewhat offended.

"I have a lecture today." She ran a hand through her hair.

"You don't go to university…"

"For the Olympic squad. And I had a session with Tachi."

"Tachi?"

Kyoya could see Tamaki was thinking about the sword type, not the name. "Use the phone."

The girl disappeared and the blonde leant back. She was your sweetest downfall." He smiled at his friend.

Kyoya didn't understand.

"Yuuki brought you down to a place where you are now…human."

"Oh. That downfall."

"Yes." Tamaki put his forefinger and thumb on his chin and looked thoughtful. "Though, that could be called a kamikaze."

Kyoya glared. "Yes, thank you Tamaki."

"And she forgave you so readily? It took me weeks."

"That's what I was thinking."

"She was always to kind for her own good."

Kyoya glared again. Somewhat pissed. "She was more apologetic than anything else. She forgave me a long time ago…" She had said so on graduation. "…she was to hurt to stay and couldn't forgive herself."

"Yuuki did nothing wrong."

"I know."

"So she just…came back?"

"Yes."

"Wow." Pause. Wait for it. "THAT'S SO ROMANTIC!"

Kyoya didn't flinch, he knew that was coming. "No, it hurt Tamaki."

The blonde deflated. "It hurt? For her to come back so easily?"

"No one said picking up the pieces of a shattered heart wouldn't."

Tamaki put his compassionate eyes on. "I'll help you. I see you need my help. I'll help you."

"No. I don't need your help."

"Who's do you need?"

Pause. "Yuuki's"

The girl reappeared silently, her socked feet making little cotton noises on the marble.

Kyoya turned around. "What did you tell them?"

"I was in a car accident."

"And?"

"They said not to come back because they knew I would ride if I did. They won't open the gates for me for a week and they'll keep Zero fit on a lunge line." She recalled, slightly downcast and not being able to ride.

Tamaki beamed. "A whole week for you two to make up!" He put his forefinger and thumb to his chin and thought. "We really should document it…If Jessica Simpson and that guy could do it, then you can to."

"No, no. Cameras, no." Yuuki said as she sat down quietly. She wasn't going to outright send Tamaki to his corner again by saying no point blank at his awful idea.

"It's an awful idea, Tamaki." Kyoya said. Doing what Yuuki had tried not to.

The blonde's face fell, but then lit up again. "Well, I'll hire someone to write a book."

"No."

He crossed his arms and pouted. "Fine."

Kyoya smiled. Perfect. A week was more than enough time to relearn her, to begin to understand her mysteries again and give her clues to his. Yuuki looked at Kyoya; she was amazed to find him so interested in her life after she soon had hurt him so much. The Ootori looked back, stunned to find her so open to share her past with him. Especially when theirs had ended so badly, fortunately not badly enough to prevent a smooth, new beginning. He counted his blessings at having Yuuki back, so soon, so accepting, so much the same with a few more interesting stories and a few more mysteries to unlock. They had both lived in an arid desert without the other and accepted the change they had been waiting, hoping, dreaming for. Each night they had said their apologies to the darkness and each morning awoken to the realization that the only time they had seen the other was in a dream. Nothing, no hurt or challenge could break that bond, no matter how hard it had been severed.

Kyoya smiled at her, but something inside him clicked. He didn't know if he had her back. She was holding things back, she was running from something and yet she was to much the same. It was not right. She was hiding. Broken. Afraid. Something in Yuuki had altered, and he could not work out what, not when she was trying to lay foundations of an old life on top of the new. Things didn't work like that. He knew for a fact that it wouldn't work. Picking up broken pieces wouldn't work. He had tried when she had left, tried to go on as if she hadn't existed and it tugged at him inside, hurting him daily. Yuuki was too fragile, too lost. Things had happened to her that fogged her vision. She needed to set a new foundation, and she had chosen him to help. But she could not choose the past, it was gone and had left behind its scars; one could not get it back.

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Yuuki wondered how long Tamaki could keep a secret. She disappeared to her room after the blonde left, to used to being alone to suddenly be bombarded with emotions and company she had forgotten how to handle. On her way there, she picked up the photo-album from the sideboard, left and forgotten the night before.

The girl heard footsteps outside the door and looked up, preparing to see Kyoya. The phone rang and he receded into the house. Yuuki found she was disappointed at the fact. She needed him. She really did, even though she had moved off on her own. One could live without the things they need, but not for long. They could go without and not feel it, but not for long. Yuuki had gone without it long enough, but she didn't know how to begin to love him again. Not after she had convinced herself to fall out of that period of her life, a decision that hurt more than leaving did. Kyoya had done the same and found that the very idea had left him with an aching pain. It would take a lot to quell the throbbing and resurrect it again. First, they had to bypass each other's walls again, new walls that came down sometimes but that had different patterns. Holes, repair jobs, alleyways.

Yuuki slid her legs under her and opened the album to the middle. The picture that stared up at her was of her mother and herself. Dark haired, dark eyed, light skinned and smiling. The little girl was clinging to her mother's back as the woman carried her towards whoever had taken the photo, laughing and probably trying to tell them to stop; just as Yuuki would have done.

The girl smiled and ran a finger over their faces. She had lost before, felt the sort of pain she had felt before; only in a different form. In a familial form, not a romantic one. Yuuki had had no choice but to survive the last time. She could survive it. Only this time around, she didn't want to.

She turned the page and reached the back of the book. On the black background was a newspaper clipping, pressed hard against the leather.

Two dead, one horse, truck driver in shock.

Yuuki lifted the paper out. Two dead. The misprint. Or not so much to her father.

"Yuuki...I lost you as a child the day you let your mother ride in front of that truck."

The girl swallowed, finding it ironic that she could go on living but be considered dead. Lost. Gone. Forgotten. Worthless as the life she had once occupied. Yuuki put the scrap back where it had been found and closed the book. There was a soft thud as the photographs collapsed on the backing.

'Thud.' That's all you can hear when bodies collapse onto tar. There are other noises, louder noises that you know are there, but all you recognize is 'thud.' It signifies the fall of man. The fall of life. Failure.

Yuuki slid across the tarmac, not noticing as the skin on her hands was left behind in the uneven surface. Not noticing her mother slid into a ditch on the side of the road. All the girl could see was a truck. Not the middle of the truck, but the lines of the wheels, the weight pressing on them. The horse screamed as it fought to get up. It was rolling on her. Breaking her. And she was powerless to do anything about it. The wheels stopped spinning, gripping, yelling, crying out in rubber voices as they warned her out of the way. Yuuki turned her face and saw her mother, her hands clinging to the edge of the ditch, her face covered in mud as she tried to get out. Tried to save her loved one.

The girl looked away and saw the detailing of the tyre grips and suddenly everything went white.

Things rewound.

She was clinging to the edge of the ditch, her face covered in mud as she tried to get out. Tried to save her loved one.

"No mamma, don't leave me." She whispered as she relieved the moment. Her little girl voice sounded odd, like what a father hears when his grown daughter announces she's engaged. "You'd like him mamma."

The woman spoke before turning away. "You'd have never have met him."

White.

Yuuki sat up with a start. Her breath was short. The room was dark.

She swallowed. You'd have never have met him. It was true, painfully, vividly true. Without one death she would not have lived a shadow existence to find the light. Not have died unto herself and been brought back. She needed them both.

Yuuki slid her feet out from under the blanket and wondered how she had got from above to below. The photo album had been moved from the end of the bed to the bedside table. The girl moved softly across the room. He must have come to see her and found her lost to the world, just as she had been the night before only in a sedate manner. A peaceful manner. He knew that confusion, that pain. He dealt with it in his own manner, calculating and closed.

Both had locked their hearts away to prevent them from getting hurt again and had opened the box last night to let the other know it was still there. The key was available if they were willing to come get it, willing to convince the other that it was worth the handover. First they had to convince themselves that their hearts were worth the others; neither felt worthy. Both felt blemished by the past. Ghosts. Scarred. Tormented. Following orders. They knew that to love was to be vulnerable. That loving anything meant that their hearts would certainty be wrung and possibly broken; so soon after they had begun the process of repairing it. If they wanted to keep it in tact, they would give their hearts to o one. Not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies, luxuries and avoid all entanglements. Then lock it up in a box of their own selfishness, their own doubt of the world. In that box, safe, dark, motionless, airless; it would begin to change. It would never be broken, but become unbreakable. Impenetrable. Irredeemable.

That risk, was one neither was willing to take.

So they unwrapped the fine protection holding together the fragile pieces and given the puzzle over. Given it in its box and withheld the key. Saying, 'this is yours, the greatest and most fragile gift that can be given by mankind. Look after the box well enough and I'll give you the key. But first, let me prove myself worthy as well.'

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In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories – who's and how's and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wana walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that I would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart.

(Love is waiting, Brooke Fraser)

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So many questions...

Reviews please, let me know what you honestly thought. Your input is invaluable to this story and helps with its continuation.

Blessings,

-pp