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Chapter 6

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The next time you open your eyes,

The world might have already changed.

(Vampire Knight)

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Yuuki stared at the ceiling. There was a fly crawling across the surface, hanging by its feet. The girl wondered why anything would turn its world upside-down on purpose. She sighed and crossed her arms over her eyes, flinching for a moment as she pulled the skin across her shoulder. She couldn't stay here.

The realisation was creeping in. Realisation that she couldn't pick up the threads of an old life. Realisation that resurrection could only occur on one's own grounding, one's own terms. One could be forced back to life, but never forced to live it. Yuuki still didn't feel like living it. She had fallen out of love with Kyoya, and she knew he had with her. Even so, there was small comfort in knowing that they were both willing to give it another go. One day. After everything that had happened, the girl was not prepared to do anything that would make her feel more. Emotion was not something she was familiar with anymore, and it scared her more than it should.

Yuuki rolled out from under the covers and crossed the room to the shower. As per usual, she let her fingers stray to the necklace as the water ran over her. It was the only part of her that said there was still a chance for what she wanted. She wanted the past, not its replica; but she couldn't have either. Sighing Yuuki let the pendant go and faced the torrent of water, frustrated. Nothing she had ever wanted had been given to her, nothing except the one thing she had torn herself from. Maybe her wants were unreasonable, maybe she didn't want them at all. Maybe she was scared of being given something and not being able to give in the same capacity in return. That's what happened with Kyoya. He had given her something only he could, and she had given him something only she could. A unique gift; but one the girl could not give in the manner it was given.

Men and woman. Life and death. Love and loss. Complete opposites, yet joining pieces of the same puzzle. They were supposed to be. Yuuki just didn't know which way to fit the jigsaw together and felt herself apprehensive as to what the final picture would be.

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Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

(Blackbird, The Beatles)

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Yuuki sat quietly as Kyoya pulled himself through the house and to the coffee machine.

He leaned back and stared at her as she watched him drink. "What?"

"Apples are more effective at waking you up in the morning." She replied softly.

"I am aware of the fact."

The girl frowned delicately. Kyoya thought she still looked as if she had been beaten, which she had, but not just by her father; but by life itself. He had had his career, his studies, and his friends to hang onto, to keep him afloat. She had had nothing at all, just herself. He even owned her living; her horse.

"You're not eating?" The Ootori broke the silence.

"I don't eat breakfast."

He frowned. "That's worse than coffee." Pause. "You always used to eat it."

"Lost my appetite."

"What do you eat now?"

Yuuki turned her head on a slight slant and thought for a moment. "Can I have my clothes back?"

Kyoya knew he was avoiding him, keeping him out. She wasn't ready. If he was honest, neither was he, but he didn't want to let go of a good thing twice. "They're at the cleaners."

The girl pressed her fingers together, her hands covered by the long sleeves of the to-large shirt. "Can you take me back then?"

"Back where?" She wasn't looking at him.

"Jokey Club."

"Why?"

"Your job is to go to university and inherit a business, mine is to ride horses and...ride horses."

"No its not."

"Yes it is." Yuuki's voice was still as small as it had been when she arrived. Seemingly tenacious with her past even though she obviously desired it back.

Kyoya put his mug down. "You don't want to stay here?"

The girl drummed her nails nervously against the countertop. "Not...really." She flinched as she said it, as if expecting some sort of punishment.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I own a lot of things Yuuki, but I don't own you."

Yuuki glanced at him as he crossed the room to her. Kyoya pressed his fingers to a stray strand of hair that had slipped across the girl's cheek, trapping it between her skin and his. In one long movement, he slid it behind her ear and brought his fingers around, across her jaw line, under her chin and away.

Kyoya couldn't read the emotion that flitted across her face and it frustrated him. Her language had changed; the one she was written with. He needed to learn it again. Yuuki ran her hand along the hair behind her ear, securing it in place before sliding herself away from him, her heart racing.

An hour later the girl was sitting in a running car, waiting for Kyoya to finish writing whatever he was writing in his clipboard. His face was expressionless, his eyes hidden by the glare on his glasses. She didn't say anything, just stared at a scraping of black paint on the wall of the garage.

"You put that there." Kyoya said flatly.

"I know." She replied. She still blamed it on the fact that he had parked to close to the wall.

"You also broke the gear box."

"It's automatic."
"Exactly." The Ootori closed his clipboard and put it on the backseat before accelerating slowly into the driveway and down its long path to the road.

Neither said anything. It was as if the night she had come to him had been a self-assurance thing. As if, the last two days had fuelled by emotion and thus meant very little beyond self-revival. Humans are essentially selfish creatures, the pair knew that. It had been survival for so long, not live. Just get through and neither knew how to get on with life. Not without the other. Kyoya hated not having a plan beyond his career. Yuuki didn't know what to think.

"Will we be alright?" Ten minutes into the ride, the girl broke the silence.

"We will be." Came the reply. Kyoya didn't glance at her.

They lapsed into silence again. Understanding quiet. Knowing it intimately and not remembering how to understand the other through it.

It would take time.

And hurt.

More hurt.

Yuuki was afraid of that. Afraid that she would shut off though it. Afraid of herself.

The man standing at the gate to the Jockey Club gaped at the car as it reached the entrance. Most of the vehicles passing through were large; 4x4's and the like, ones that could drag a float and be used in the country. He circled around to the driver's side, Kyoya let the window his down.

Yuuki caught the attendants eye.

"Oh, hey Yuuki." He said, somewhat shocked.

"Hey Rizu, let us through?"

"Yeah sure." Pause. "Yuuki?"

"Yes?"

"People have been worried."

"About me?"

"You were in an accident. And you look kinda banged up."

Kyoya sat silent during the conversation.

"Its just some bruising. Its what happens when you make mistakes."

"Well, your mistake just left. Chanel seven, nine and twelve have all been around since yesterday."

Yuuki thought for a moment. "Please don't let them through. Tell the other attendants."

"That's not up to me."

"Sorry."

Kyoya let the window up, cutting the man's face off. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Yuuki looked at Rizu and then at the man next to her. "You cut him off."

"You disgraced his honour."

"How?"

The car lurched through the open gate. "By putting yourself in a position where you didn't owe him anything, but made him think so."

De'ja'vous. "This sounds...familiar." Pause. "Nine."

The dorm rooms were passing the car. The only empty spot was in front of Yuuki's.

Kyoya turned the ignition off. "I thought you'd have learnt."

"We can't all catch on as fast as an Ootori." Yuuki opened the door. She knew he was trying to work her out, but he was doing it wrong. He was getting to close and rubbing the wrong way.

"We all make mistakes." His feet crunched on the gravel and went silent on the concrete.

Yuuki lifted the doormat and retrieved her spare key; the other was in her jeans pocket which was at the cleaners. She didn't say anything relating to the topic. "Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"We will be." She recited.

Kyoya pushed his glasses up. "Yes."

The girl frowned, her eyebrows knitting together slightly as she leaned out the door, not inviting him in but not keeping him out. Just standing on the impasse. "What are we now then?"

"Learning to breath." Kyoya put a hand in his pocket.

Yuuki stared at him for a long time, he stared back. Neither looked the other in the eye, but just to the side. Illusions of what they wanted but couldn't do.

The Ootori cleared his throat. "I'll see you soon."

"Yes." Yuuki waited for him to ask for her new details before remembering that her phone was in a disillusioned state on the floor of the Cunxin manor. "Kyoya?"

He was turning to leave. "Yes?"

The girl swallowed and stared at her feet. "I really am...sorry that is."

"I know."

She smiled.

He turned his head to look at her fully again. "In more ways than one." She knew he meant that he was sorry too, more so than she could probably imagine.

Yuuki nodded and smiled and leaned on the doorframe as Kyoya headed back to his car. On a whim she acted on the emotion that slipped past her walls and left a small gap. The girl stepped out from the doorway and caught his hand.

Kyoya stopped walking but didn't turn around. He didn't look at her. Yuuki felt the warmth of his palm and stared at it. He had been her life force. Her reason to breath. In many way's he still was; she just needed to find its entirety again.

The Ootori knew Yuuki's hands to always be cool. She had bad peripheral circulation and her extremities were always colder than the rest of her. Which is why he adored her heart more than anything else. It was harder to reach, but worth so much more than anything else he could have. He didn't want her half-hearted, self-survival techniques. He wanted her back. Kyoya had waited a long time just to get the ghost of Yuuki again, he could now begin the process of putting the different version together. It was much the same as the older one, only with different compartments, different secrets, new discoveries, personalities, emotions. She was harder this time, but to him, it only meant that she would be warmer and worth the effort.

But not now.

Not when she couldn't handle it. Not when he didn't know if he could either.

Kyoya turned his body as Yuuki's fingers released his palm. He smiled quietly at her, giving her a secret, a riddle to work out. Something to keep her mind off how much it hurt to be back amongst what had hurt her. To help her figure out how to make the future happen as she had planned it, not as it had begun to turn out.

"Goodbye, Yuuki."

"Bye." She stood with her feet together and hands clasped in front. Watching as the Maserati pulled away and disappeared through the gates, only this time, its driver wasn't disappearing out of her life.

He was saying 'see you later' in his own way. When later was, she didn't know. He was different, and yet so much the same. He had a different clockwork. He had two beings now. The ones others saw and the one she knew. They were not one anymore. They couldn't not be crossed to drive away what he held dear.

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You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long, I have come to understand,
The way it is,


It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,


Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,


Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

(Like A Star, Corinne Bailey Rae)

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Because some hurts go to deep and cannot be mended. Some scars remain forever and never fade. Some loves remain forever who are held at arm's length for pity's sake. To protect ones self. To keep the keepsakes of the heart safe. Sometimes secrets have no choice but to be kept and riddles have no choice but to go unsolved. Sometimes lost little doves fly in the wrong direction from that which is their love. The world will turn you upside down and lead you to the spiders on the ceiling. The flytraps and the decadent lies. But sometimes, it will take you back, to where you once were. Knowing that you will never be the same, but trying to be anyway. Trying to pick up where things left off when the void is too far to reach across. And yet...that lingering moment and the smell of peppermint remains, always burned into the memory of the girl who fell in the snow. The scent of white must and roses and the engraving of her laugh locked away in his. Keys...boxes...hearts...in the contract but withheld. Knowing the trade could come, if they could find the tightrope across the gulf, and walk it until they met in the middle and learnt to fly again.

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Yeah, no one said it wasn't complicated. No one said emotions could lie and taint and blind.

Yet, you all knew it.

^-^

Review please, your opinion is exceptionally important to the continuation of this story.

Blessings,

-pp