Learning To Love
Chapter seven: Snape Manor
Warning: Darker themes.
Harry quietly left the Headmasters office deep in thought. He had gotten a lot off his chest when he was talking to Dumbledore but he still had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Not to mention the grief, the guilt and the pain that weighed him down and left his lungs burning for air.
'No.' Harry thought. 'I doubt this uneasy feeling of falling into the dark abyss will ever go away.' He let out a sigh, trudging down to the dungeons with his head down and shoulders slumped. His mind was racing but you'd never be able to tell by first glance at him. Harry's vibrant eyes were deep, drowning pools of green that seemed soulless. He felt...hopeless. Lost. Like he had tumbled down a steep hill and for the life of him couldn't get up as his world turned a deathly black.
Over the years he had tried to just bury the hurt and pain, not wanting to deal with it. It all was slowly pouring into his mind, heart and soul. Like a Dam breaking and the rushing waters beating down and past the broken barrier.
Harry shook himself out of his little slump when he came to Professor Snape's office; hoping the man wouldn't find out what Harry's going through. He let out a mental sigh and knocked on the door in front of him.
"Enter." Snape called out. Harry cautiously opened the door and stepped inside the room. "Everything go okay?" he asked Harry, slightly worried for the younger man- though he would never let anyone know that.
"Yeah. I'm fine." Harry replied with a small smile, hoping Severus wouldn't notice it was fake.
"How'd your talk with Dumbledore go?"
"Good. Got something's off our chests that needed to be said."
"Well I'm done packing. Are you ready to leave?" Severus questioned.
"As I'll ever be. How will we be getting there?" Harry inquired.
"Portkey. Albus set one up for us to use." A small shiver passed through Harry's thin frame. He couldn't stand Portkeys. They brought back too many painful memories. If Severus noticed the young man's discomfort he didn't comment. Pulling out a old quill, which Harry assumed was the Portkey, out of his pocket he handing it out for Harry to hold on to.
Harry hesitantly brought out his hand to grab a hold of the feathery side of the quill-Portkey. The moment his hand touched the magical turned device the air became thick and the sights started to meld together becoming a blur of colors. As quickly as it started, it ended.
Harry felt his body being pulled towards the earth and with his eyes screwed shut, his knees gave out from under him-bashing against the hard floor- supported solely on his trembling arms keeping his head and face from meeting the same fate as his knees. Breathing had became difficult in his slightly confused and panicked state, causing spots to dance around his vision when his eyes snapped open.
"Calm down Harry. Take deep breaths. You're safe." Snape's velvety voice breaking through the fog.
/\/\/\/\
'I know that he's hiding more then he's letting on.' Severus thought as he tried to comfort the young wizard-trying to get him out of his panicked haze. 'Fake words. Fake smiles. I'll have to keep a sharp eye on him. I'll leave him to himself for a little while to observe him but then he's going to have to let it all out and come clean with what's weighing him down.
"Come on Harry. We'll stop by the kitchen first and get something to eat and some tea. Then I'll give you a tour." Severus stated, carefully lifting the man to his feet and keeping him steady by his side as they headed to the kitchen.
/\/\/\/\
Harry didn't get a good chance to look around at his surroundings as the Potions Master led him to the kitchen, because of his stomach threatening to crawl up his larynx. But he figured once his stomach settled he would be able to actually take in the Dungeon's Bats' summer home. The teen allowed himself to be gently shoved in to a cushioned kitchen table chair and dragged closer to the table in front of him, like a child.
Dazed, Harry watched as the lanky form of his Professor gracefully collapse- for a Snape did not flop or slouch like an undignified slob- in the chair across him and with a snap of his elegant, potion stained fingers called for a House Elf and politely asked for some tea and a light lunch. With a crack the well dressed House Elf disappeared and reappeared as quickly as he left with tea, a plate of turkey sandwiches and a potatoes soup for the two men.
Severus pushed a bowl of soup, a sandwich and a cup of Camille tea in front of Harry once the House Elf disappeared once again. Harry looked up at the man, almost in a disbelief question if it was really for him and it was okay to eat.
/\/\/\/\
Severus mentally cursed after seeing the look on Harry's face when he gave him his lunch.. Happy and shocked that he was being given his own food to eat.
'Damn Fucking Dursely's!' Severus mentally screamed. 'I'll have to talk to Dumbledore about a proper punishment for those awful, moronic muggles. Must remember to bring the Wolf into their demise.'
"It's okay Harry. You'll always be able to eat here. In fact you'll be having three meals a day with snacks and tea between meals." Severus assured the young man, who looked down sheepishly and started on his meal. Severus picked up his tea cup and cradled it in his elegant fingers. After taking a sip he cleared his throat to gain Harry's attention-who had his food close to him within reaching distance, afraid that it would be taken away from him. Harry looked up, his emerald eyes meeting Snape's onyx.
"There will be some rules I expect you to follow during your duration here. As I have said you will have three meals a day with snacks and tea in between meals. Light out at 10:00pm and you are to be up by 8:00am, unless instructed by myself otherwise. I expect you to work on your school work every day, the sooner it's don't the more time you have for other activities and I will be checking it over.
"I want you to keep your room tidy and to help out if I ask you to. I will allow you to go flying, it you behave and obey the rules. You also will be receiving training, including Occlumency and depending on how that does possibly Legilimency as well. You are not to leave these grounds unless accompanied by myself. I trust these rules are fair?" Severus listed. Harry nodded his black head of messy hair. "Is there any questions you would like to ask?"
"How will I be able to use my wand? Students under 17 are restricted from using their wands out of school." Harry wondered out loud.
"There are wards around the house that Albus and myself set up that allow underage students, yourself, to use your wand without being detected by the Ministry. Anything else?"
"What will I be trained in?"
"As I mentioned Occlumency and possibly Legilimency. Expand you're knowledge of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Blocks, shields, curses, most spells, non-verbal spells, possibly some wandless, healing, Potions, some Transfiguration, Apparation- even through you'll be taught your sixth year at Hogwarts, counter curses, charms, hexes, and Dueling- Muggle and Magical." Severus informed, taking a sip of tea.
"Wow that's a lot. Is it just you that will be training me?"
"No you're pet Wolf will be stopping by and helping. He'll possibly be teaching you to become an Animagus." Severus replied rolling his eyes and sneering at the mention of the Werewolf.
"Lupin's going to help me?" Harry asked semi-excited.
"Yes unfortunate for me. Now finish your lunch then we'll take a tour." Harry nodded and continued eating. When they finished eating Severus stood up and banished the dishes to the sink. Harry, taking his Professor's example, stood up as well and waiting for his lead.
"Come now." Severus started heading out of the kitchen. "Don't want you to get lost." Harry's short legs rushed to catch up with him. "As you know that was the kitchen. If you ever need anything to eat or drink you can either get it yourself or call for my House-Elf Twiggy to get it. Though I don't want you ruining your meals and don't want you to eat tons of junk. The Formal Dinning room is through that doorway, which is rarely used anymore." Snape pointed to a door to the right outside the kitchen. They walked past the door and along the hallway.
"To the left is the Ballroom with the only fireplace that is connected to the Floo Network- password protected. The Living room to the right of the entrance." Snape guided him past a set of stairs that lead upwards and into another hallway.
"Down there is a hallway with a door leading outside. The large room is an indoor Green House for Potion ingredients. Then there is the Library. The largest room in the house; two stories high with another entrance on the second floor. There's an office/study connected through the Library. The set of stairs lead down to the basement where my Potions Lab is. You are not to go in unless I ask you to." Severus said entering a long room and the end of the hallway
"It's an extra room that's used for many things and is similar to the Room of Requirement back at Hogwarts. This is where you'll be training mostly." He turned out the door and led him back to the staircase to the left of the entrance. Harry hurried to catch up with his Professor's strides.
"There's a bathroom right next to the stairs," Severus said when they reached the top. He led him down another hallway. "There's the second story Library, which you're more than welcome to go in. There's plenty of books that will help with your school work. Across is a balcony and a bedroom to the left. To the right of the hallway is the West Wing. Not much over there and I ask for you to stay out." He doubled back and went to the left of the stairs.
"There's my room, again I ask for you to stay out, and across is two bedrooms." He walked down the short hallway to the rooms and opened the door to the right.
"This will be your room." He said entering, Harry behind him. "There's a closet and a bathroom with a shower. Any questions?" He took out and enlarged Harry's trunk.
"No Thank you for taking me in." Harry said, head bowed is slight shame at the hospitality.
"You're welcome. I'll let you get situated. I'll be in the Library. You're welcome to join me, otherwise I'll come and get you when it's time for dinner." With that Severus swooped out of the room, leaving Harry alone.
/\/\/\/\
Harry looked around the room. A queen size canopy bed made out of a dark wood. There was three windows, two over looking the back of the house the other facing the right side of the manor, where light was pouring through along with a slight breeze that made the long, elegant green curtains flutter.
Opening his trunk, Harry started taking out the things he would need or use during his stay at Snape Manor. He put what little clothing he had "inherited" from the Dursley's in the dresser and hung up in the closet. His things barely took up any of the space in either the dresser or closet. Moving on he took out his school books and school work he placed them on the desk near the bed.
Then he placed his prized possessions- his wand, Invisibility Cloak, and his photo album- on the night stand next to the bed. He glanced around the room after placing his toiletries in the bathroom. You couldn't even tell he was staying in the room with what little space his things took up. Then again, all of his things fit in that one trunk he's had for five years.
'I wonder what my life would be like if my parents hadn't died that night.' Harry thought, taking off his ratty tennis shoes and laid down on the bed, his eyes staring up at the canopy. 'Would I have a brother or sister? Would dad be proud that I became a Seeker on the Gryffindor Quiditch team my first year?' 'What ifs' and 'what would'ves' over powered any other thoughts and slowly brought Harry into a depressing frenzy of 'If onlys'.
'How is it that any entire world relies on a sixteen year old to protect them from and eventually get rid of a Monster that terrorizes and threatens everyone's existence. All because I survived the Death Curse and temporary enabled him. How am I suppose to be a Hero when I didn't even know that magic existed five years ago. I barely know anything of this world.
'I can't stand that everyone close to me dies. My parents. They'd still be alive if it weren't for me. It was me Voldemort was after. Not them. Me. I'm the reason they are dead. Cedric. If I didn't insist he take the Trophy with me then he wouldn't have been portkeyed with me to the Graveyard and wouldn't have been killed by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Sirius.' Harry's heart tightened at the thought of his Godfather.
'If only I had learned Occlumency. I should have tried harder to learn even if it did cause my scar to burn in pain. I should have worked through the pain. I should have listened to the Ron and Hermione when I got that vision of Sirius in danger. Why didn't I just calm down and actually think it through instead of going head first into it.
'If I had thought rationally I would have understood that there would be no way Voldemort could have had Sirius and would have not taken that stupid House-Elf's word. I would have remembered to check the two-way mirror I had gotten or I should have at least went to Dumbledore or someone in the order and checked with them. Because of my rash thinking and my foolish Gryffindor brave act of Heroism I sent fellow students, my friends, into grave danger that lead to them being injured and could have lead to their death.
'I had lost the one person I cared about most in the world. I recklessly went to go save him when it was him that ended up coming to my rescue to save me. Causing him to pay the ultimate price. He was my family. Like a father to me. Sure I know he isn't my father but he was the closest thing I've ever had. And it doesn't mean I don't love my father any less it's just that I never knew my father, but with Sirius I got the time to know him. Sure I didn't get much time with him, since he was still on the run from the Ministry, but he's the only thing I've ever got to experience of what a father and family really is.
'I know I still have Remus but I know he has to hate me for what I've done. I'm the reason Mom, Dad and Sirius are dead. It's all my fault.' Tears pooled in his eyes and began to make their way down.
It felt like he had gone numb and the darkness started to over power him. Sucking him into a whirlpool that was starting to suffocate him. Harry quickly sat up. His breathing has hard and labored. Dark spots began to invade his vision as he stood up from the bed. He fell to his knees when a tidal wave of coldness blanketed him.
He crawled his way over to his trunk; threw opened the lid and quickly took out the one thing that kept flashing in his mind. He then crawled back towards the bed, with the object in hand, and settled on the floor back leaning against the bed. He opened his hand and looked down at the cold, hard object that laid in his palm. Switching open the Penknife that he had gotten from Sirius in his fourth year he gazed at the reflective surface.
His mind went blank and all he began to think about is to make the emotional pain stop. With the dark emptiness over powering his mind and rational thinking he took the blade of silver and placed it above his arm. He brought the sharp edge down gently on the skin on his left forearm, hesitating for a slight moment before the roars of faults settled firmly in the front of his head.
The pain of knowing it all was his fault he brought the metal firmly to his arm and made a slow sideways motion, pressing deep into the skin. He watched slightly detached as the red liquid blood started to stream up and leisurely pour from the wound. Blank and emotionless Emerald pools followed the path of his scarlet life force drip down his arm.
The Darkness let up, leaving him emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Harry put the Penknife in the bedside table drawer and pulled himself up and on the bed, uncaring of the small blood droplets smearing over his shirt as he held his arm tightly to his body. Using the last of his strength he pulled the blankets over his faintly shivering body and let the his world fade to a dark black as he fell into a deep slumber.
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Hope you liked the chapter. I'll try to get the next one out as soon as I can but just to inform everyone: it might be a while. Don't panic too much. It will be harder for me to get stories updated partially because we got rid of the internet so I have to "borrow" internet from my father which is difficult cause only one account can be on at once and my fat cow bitch of a stepmother is almost ALWAYS on, so I can't get on.
Plus things have gotten ten times worse. I'll just be lucky my mom wont have a bitch attack and kick me out soon.
Next month would be my Grandfather's birthday so it will be a little tuff. I'm hoping to take that day off and a couple after to go up and visit his grave. Then two days later it's my Grandma's birthday and I want to spend the day with her since I've realized how quickly something you love could be taken from you.
Thanks for reading. Please review.
Thanks,
Moonluna