Date Posted: 7th May 2010
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to JK Rowling.
Hogwarts was known for many things; be it before or after the legends of James and Lily Potter nee Evans. The house elves, the great food, the Founders, the Black Lake, the Forbidden Forest, the Grand Staircase amongst others. Five however, were the most famous
…and not one of them were positive.
One, it's disgusting name. Honestly, who thought of Hogwarts? Hogs are already gross enough, if you make it a warty hog, that's just even worse.
Next was Mrs Norris, the infamous cat with stalkerish tendencies gave anyone the creeps. Imagine, half-way through making out with your boyfriend/girlfriend after curfew and *coughcough* huh? *coughcough* …still not getting it. *COUGHCOUGH* Oh! Let me rephrase that.
Imagine, half-way through making out with your boyfriend/girlfriend or girlfriends if you're Mr. I'm-Sirius-Black-and-I-have-to-rudley-interupt-everyone-to-show-off-the-fact-that-I-can-pick-up-more-than-one-girl-at-a-time-and-am-in-dire-need-for-cough-medicine (There! You happy now! Some people can be such tossers! Go sod off elsewhere! Some of us are trying to narrate here!) and the bloody cat pops out of nowhere and disturbs you and your boy/girlfriend(s).
After, it's Severus Snape's glare. He's so cynical and sarcastic he could make-
"What is that I hear? Detention Dhragonis-Slytherin! For disrespecting a teacher and talking in the middle of class!" (A/N - I just noticed the initials of my pen name is for Nintendo DS. What does DS stand for anyway?)
"I'm not in your class sir. I'm the narrator."
"Another week for talking back to the teacher!"
"You're not even in the right time frame. You're still in fifth year right now!"
"Not another word out of you or I'll send you to the headmaster! Understood?"
"Yes si-"
"To the Headmaster NOW! Honestly, children nowadays. No respect! Who do you think you are, talking to me when I said otherwise?"
"Another weeks of detention for not answering a question!"
"But you said-"
"DETENTION FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!"
"Stupid git," I mumbled.
The fourth thing Hogwarts is famous for is Dumbledore, or more specifically his choice of clothing. I swear, his clothing could put the rainbow to shame and Merlin that beard looks like…er…Merlin's. And what's with his eyes twinkling like that all the time. Talking about twinkling...
*sings horribly off tune*
Mica, mica, parva stella,Miror quaenam sis tam terra in caelo,Alba gemma , mica, parva stella,Miror quaenam sis tam bella
(A/N - It's Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in Latin. I have a slight, tinsy, winsy obsession with languages. Just a small one.)
"Dhragonis-Slytherin, detention for your horrible singing and noise pollution!" (guess who)
Enfin, finally, we have the Marauders. And what, may I ask, do the Marauders do best? Why pranking of course.
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Do you copy?"
"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs, affirmative. Planting Concoction 1."
"...Concoction 1? Which one's that?"
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Wormtail. You didn't use the proper address!"
"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Wormtail. Yeah! We were sounding so cool like Fly Kids-"
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. It's Spy Kids Pads," corrected James.
"Yeah, whatever. We were sounding so cool like Spy Kids - as Mr. Prancey Pantsy Prongs here had to interrupt - and here you are ruining our, but mostly my, moment. You should be ashamed," babbled Pads.
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Can you possibly be any more conceited?"
"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs. What are you trying pull? Emulating Remus? Impressing Lily? Honestly, since when did you use such long seskwipetaleun vocabulary?"
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Huh?"
"It's sesquipedalian Padfoot. It means, really long words. Why are we even talking like this? For Merlin's sake, we're standing right next to each other!" said Remus.
"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Moony. For the effect my friend. For the effect. And how stupid is it that sesquipedalian means long words, when it's a long word itself? It's like that weird muggle word for the fear of long words. Shite! Can't remember it!"
"It's stupid! Why can't we talk normally to each other? Honestly, I swear your parents dropped you guys on the head a million too many times when you were babies. The word you thinking of is hippopotomon strosesquipedalio phobia by the way."
"Mr. Padfood to Mr. Moony. You've seriously got to lay off the books. You're like a walking talking encyclopaedia/dictionary. And why are you complaining about how we're talking? You're the one who suggested using Forky Dorkies!"
"It's walkie talkie Padfoot."
"Yeah, yeah. Forky Dorky, Dorky Forky, same thing. How did you get these to work in the castle anyway? I thought muggle fekfology didn't work at Hogwarts."
"Technology. Honestly, how could you pass Muggle Studies without knowing the word technology? What do they teach you?"
"You mean what I taught my Muggles Studies Professor," said Sirius, wagging his eyebrows suggestively, "I think she knows more about her mouth now since our little lesson."
"You're sick, you know that Sirius?"
"I don't see any ladies complaining."
"That's because your mouth is on theirs most of the time!"
"Well-"
"Would you two quit arguing like a bunch of ladies? In case you've forgotten, this is meant to be a stealth mission! You know? The ones where you stalk around the halls quietly like Mrs. Norris?"
*Squeak*
"Where's Mrs. Norris? Get her away! She's gonna eat me!"
"Shut up Peter! She's not here! It's a simile!" said Prongs.
"A simaly? What's a simaly?"
"Honestly Padfoot, don't you ever read poems?"
"Yuk! Poems! Prongs, you're starting to sound like Moony!"
"Oi! There's nothing wrong with poems! They're sweet and romantic," Prong and Remus defended.
"That's it. Get away from me. I don't want to be infected with your girliness."
"I'm not girly!" denied James.
"C'mon, everybody knows only girls read poems. Their romantic and mushy. No guy on Earth would be caught dead reading poems. Not any straight guy anyway."
"I'll let you know I am perfectly straight, thank you very much! If Lily were here, she would call you a sexist!"
"I'm not sexist. I'm the sexiest."
"Padfoot, quit being such a narcissus. Prongs, can you just stop going off about Lily? I'm sure she doesn't appreciate it," suggested Remus.
"But I'm complimenting her! She's too hard to forget. . When she flicks her glossy, red hair from her eyes, how she turns the pepper grinder for her eggs exactly three times, nibbles the tip of her quill whilst thinking, tugs on her necklace and gazes at the ceiling when lying, fiddles wi-"
"Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears! I don't want to hear anymore! You stalker! You love obsessed creep! What do you do all day? Take notes on her every action?" exclaimed Padfoot.
"Well, actually, I have this notebook under my pillow containing-"
"Mon Dieu! You really are a creep! There's a fine line between devotion, and stalking. You my dear friend Prongs, have surpassed such a line."
"Wow Padfoot, who knew you could be so deep?" complimented Remus.
"I read it in the Witches Weekly."
"…why on Earth were you reading the Witches Weekly?"
"They had a special. Hogwart's Most Charming Smile Competition."
"I should have known. Not only am I bestfriends with a stalker, a panophobic, but a narcissus too! What did I do wrong in my past life? Why did I get stuck with you fleabags for bestfriends? Why?"
"Bit melodramatic there mate," commented Prongs,"Who won anyway?"
"Stupid Prongs! Why should you get to win? You don't deserve it. You don't even know you won it! Even after all the chicks came flocking to you and you just ignored them all in favour for "precious Lily," sulked Sirius.
"Was this why James got a sudden influx of fans last week? Don't tell me this was why you ignored him for a whole week."
Sirius just crossed his arms and pouted.
"You have got to be the most jealous person I've have ever met."
"It's a very serious competition! Hundreds of girls vote. Our whole social life is based on these votes! Just look at Prongs! He won that competition, and the next day, he's being mauled by a mob of girls!"
"I'll never understand you, and I'm glad I don't, otherwise, I would have to further question my sanity. Now c'mon and let's get going with the prank before we get caught."
The Marauders were sweaty with anticipation. They had diluted a few different potions into the food and drinks with a time delay charm. It took all night, but it would be worth it. In thirty seconds, the timer will go off and start the charms.
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
Everyone's skin, including the Marauders, began bubbling as if miniature balloons were waxing and waning beneath their morphing skin. Many clutched onto their faces, whilst some grasped on their throats with their hollow mouths. Pupils dilated and contracted, giving unfocused, hazy vision when pop!
Numerous loud ringing pops echoed throughout the vast expanse the Great Hall. One by one, whiffs of smoke puffed, drowning everyone in an obscuring haze. Choked coughs and sputters could be heard as people tried expelling the assailant from their lungs. Finally, after a few minutes, the smoke began to thin out, leaving only wispy traces of its presence. The remaining fog gathered to the top of the ceiling, vaguely forming six words. Six words that would explain everything.
Bought to you by the Marauders!
The entire hall looked at each other and screamed. Well...at least tried too. Some mooed and some sqwarked whilst others yipped. Others had retained a human voice, but of the wrong gender. Whilst the screeching was annoy, their appearances were just shocking.
Several students role played as teachers, beard, robes, hats and all. A couple of students were tripping over Dumbledore's beard, whilst others were blind, their vision impaired by McGonagall's offending hat.
Everything was more jumbled than a tossed salad. If you were to look around, you would see Geoff Hacksley, Ravenclaw's star seeker and James' hated enemy, with an orange Dumbledore beard, fluro-pink Hagrid hair in a crumpled blouse with "Gryffindor Quidditch Rules!" and a short Griffindor red skirt matched with a ridiculous pair of high-hills.
"SUOEDIH m'I !hA"
"Sorry Hacksley, what were you trying to say? I don't understand gibberish," teased Potter, mockingly pressing his hands to his ears as if desperatly trying to hear.
"!yap lliw uoy ,eman ylimaF yelskcaH eht no raews I. tiaw uoy tsuJ !rettoP siht rof uoy teg ll'I"
Another person that...attracted...attention was Lucious Malfoy, or now, more appropriately Lucy.
He...no, she was now in a medieval ballgown, corset, stockings, ribbons, high heels and all. Her long, silky hair was pulled back in an elegant pony tail by lacquered, ornamental clips and pins. She had skilful make on up that melted into her creamy white skin, enhanced by blood-red lipstick. Overall, she looked very effeminate. You wouldn't even need to be drunk to mistake him as a real girl. In fact, some of the straighter guys, not that they would ever admitted it, didn't realise it was Lucius at first, and thought of her/him as hot dating material.
"Looking good there Lucy. I didn't know you were a gay cross-dresser. Finally got out of the closet, hey?" (A/N - I have no problems with gays and cross-dressers.)
"Change me *snort* back! I'll send a *snort* letter to my parents and *snort* get you *snort* expelled for this!" bellowed/snorted Lucy. No-one, not even his friends or bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, could resist laughing at his horrid voice. It was so high and twinkly before switching to a low, revolting snort. It was unforgettable. Definately one for the camera.
"Now, now. Where are your pureblood, lady manners?" Sirius patronised.
Lucy growled and leaped for Black. Right before stepping on the hem of her dress, overbalancing on ther high heels and landing flat on her face. She shot back right up, and she and Sirius bolted off on a cat and mouse chase.
Everyone knows, if there's a prank, Severus was sure to be entertaining. So that is why, after the Lucy spectacle, everyone looked for Snape. They found him. Under the table. Cloaked by the table cloth. Wearing a pink tutu. Wearing a pink, lacy tutu. Wearing a pink, lacy, revealing tutu. And I think I'll stop the description right there. None of us want to be mentally scarred for the rest of our life.
A/N – All the names of phobias are real.
Aerophobia is the fear of swallow air. How do they breathe?
Dextrophobia is the fear of objects at the right side of the body. So one minute, they're afraid of the right but not the left, you turn them around, and they would now fear the new right which used to be the things on the left but not the new left which used to be on the right and the opposite for Levophobia, fear of objects on the left side of the body.
Anatidaephobia is the fear that some where, some time, some how, a duck is watching you.
Phobophobia is the fear of getting a phobia. How ironic.
Finally, Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.
No offence to anyone with a phobia or the ones used in this fanfiction. I have a couple of phobias myself including Arachibutyrophobia (peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth) when I was younger. I refused to eat it, but got over it with age.
Some people were complaining about the spelling. Whilst I concede I do make a fair few, some were complaining about British and American spelling. I'm Australian, and I prefer British English, so I intend to stick to it as such. Thanks, just wanted to clarify.