Against Reason: I do not own Sailor moon or its characters.

CHAPTER 4: The Real Chapter 4

Dedicated to Claire.

Whompf -

"Oh excuse me," Exclaimed a gentle voice apologetically, "I really didn't mean to – Serena!"

Amy pulled back to find herself clutching and being clutched in return by a very sodden and ink splattered Serena. Amy's natural shock at suddenly finding herself holding a healthy armful of reeling, off centred Serena was compounded by the sheer fact that this armful included books. School books! And the whole thing was occurring in a library. The School Library! She almost expected the twilight theme to round off the surreal moment. She gave soft laugh at the nonsensical thought as she recovered her breath and redistributed her damp armful, trying to avoid Serena's booky load or snaring on Serena's braids that currently looped from the hanging head. Beyond the initial impact of the collision, Amy became very, very aware of being engulfed by the distinctive smell of soap, or perhaps hand wash – in very large quantities ;the harsh nasal burn of antiseptic not quite concealed by the artificial floral undertones.

"Serena, are you okay? Why are you all wet? Did I knock the wind out of you? Serena? Serena?"

The lack of response caused Amy some concern, fearing she may have been hurt in the collision, perhaps on the door, the books or Amy herself. Ducking her head to see beneath the mass of hair, looking in all honesty- a little worse for wear then usual, she met with no success. Why was Serena so damp? But then again, thought Amy wryly – with Serena, anything was possible. No doubt Amy was about to hear a good story, completely disproportioned and exaggerated, but highly entertaining nevertheless. With another gentle smile Amy managed to brush the wet tendrils back from Serena's face and gently pulled the girls hanging face upward. She felt her own smile slide quickly south as she took in a pair of sad eyes, bloodshot and downcast, cushioned by puffy, splotched skin. In fact her face was puffy all over-a sign, Amy concluded, of prolonged crying. The small woebegone face hiccupped pathetically and hunched back into itself, attempting to twist away from Amy and ducking her face into her own shoulder, with a wet snuffle. Now a crying, puffy Serena was not unknown to Amy, anything from a dropping a donut to losing a video game could bring on the wailing of a banshee – However a quiet, puffy, red eyed Serena was almost unprecedented.

"Serena?"

Unusual.

"Serena are you okay?"

Unnatural.

"Serena what happened?"

Disturbing. And increasing worrying.

Serena gave a soggy snuffle and murmured wetly into her shoulder.

"Serena, what was that?"

"mhmema – Turtle-mhaanfd ."

Familiar territory.

Gently pulling Serena's face from the damp shoulder nook, Amy realised that what she had first mistaken for ink stains was actually streaks of mascara. Everywhere. It was almost impressive. She mentally added water proof mascara to Serena's Christmas present before refocusing on the situation at hand, or in arm – to be more precise. And Amy was nothing if not precise.

"What has happened Serena?"

"Nothing."

Amy silently wrapped the her arms around Serena, books and all – although one jarred rather unpleasantly into lower rib and rubbed, what she hoped, were soothing circular motions on Serena's back. Usually when Serena felt wronged, justified or not, greater Tokyo knew about it. The fact that her generally extroverted friend was being uncharacteristically obtuse and quiet, was ringing alarm bells in Amy's intelligent mind. It didn't take a genius to know that Serena's loud nature was a defence mechanism; but in general her positive outlook on life and her simple joy in simply living made her as exuberant as a Labrador puppy, but Amy knew when Serena felt something, it ran silent and deep. She was quietly inconsolable for months when her grandmother passed away, but you didn't see it unless you knew what you were looking for. Oh she laughed as loud as ever, consumed more ice cream and related dairy products at her usual unhealthy rate and fought even more zealously with Rei. However the smudged shadows under her eyes and the sudden and unexpected drifts into a quiet away-ness despite being physically present hovered for almost eight months. Quiet Serena was a Serena to be handled with care. Something had happened, but getting Serena to tell – well clearly this was not a dropped chocolate doughnut situation. Still, maybe humour...

"Serena," began Amy, "Was there a turtle involved?"

The vibrations of a watery, soggy snort at Amy's deliberate ridiculousness was a positive start. "Well you can hardly blame me, it's a natural conclusion to reach as you are rather soggy and I do believe they are a species inclined to water based environments."Pulling away from her friend Amy managed direct eye contact for the first time, and even noted the beginnings slightly rueful grin on the splotched face.

"I hope you haven't been fighting with one – as they are an endangered species you know."

Serena wiped her wrist across her running nose, appreciating Amy's attempt to cheer her up.

"I myself happen to like turtles-I find them rather quirky."

"Ammmmmy." Came the watery, snuffled protest as the rueful grin expanded. Okay, thought Serena, the Turtle component of the conversation was officially exhausted. Amy shook her head with smile and shrugged her shoulders, recognising that the topic had served its purpose and moved on. Perhaps it was safe to move on.

"Serena, what are you doing in the library? Were you looking for me?"

The wrong thing to say, realised Amy immediately, the absolutely wrong thing to say. She watched the small smile slide off Serena's face, and her body stiffen and pull away.

"Serena?"

""Because what would I be doing in the Library right? Unless, I was looking for you?"

Amy pulled back, stunned at the bleakness of Serena's tone and the quite aggression of her words. The books, the tears, the blood shot eyes, her expression. For Serena it was too much, following so closely on Darien's words.

Serena turned away, at war with herself, part hurt at Amy's unsaid and most likely unintentional jab; partly angry with herself for speaking to gentle Amy so. "Sorry Amy, but I have to go, my books are wet." She wasn't to blame for what Darien had said. Amy lunged.

"Serena! Stop! "

Tugging her friends arm, she linked her own, elbow to elbow with Serena and quickly slid the three topmost textbooks from Serena's hands into her own, clasping them to her outmost hip. "I will come help you lay them out in the sun for a bit. A little sunbaking will set them straight – well maybe there will be a wrinkle or too, but nothing catastrophic." Deftly angling them towards the main entrance and down the hall.

"No really Amy, I'm fine – I need to get home, I'm running late and I don't want to disturb your study schedule." Serena realised as she was pulled along that, due to Amy's machinations, they were thoroughly entangled, not to mention her books seemed to be being held hostage on Amy's hip. Freedom at this point would cause a scene and she was already feeling self conscious of the echoing tap their feet made through the hushed entrance hall.

"Serena –When am I NOT studying." Emphasised Amy, "Besides- I needed a break and that's what I was my way too before our serendipitous collision. It was meant to be. Who are we to argue with the universe? " Actually she had been on her way to the card catalogue, but Serena wasn't to know that. Taking in Amy's lack of book, pen or paper she reluctantly capitulated, allowing herself to be dragged out into the now cooler afternoon.

Uncharacteristically assertive, Amy pulled Serena over to the grass lawn, plonking down and dragging Serena down with her. Once seated she spread the books about them flipping them open to the warm sunshine. Then turning to her quiet friend she man handled Serena backward before reaching into the tangled hair. "Have you got a comb on you?"Serena silently rummaged through her pencil case before pulling out a comb, passing it back into Amy's waiting hand. Crossing her legs and began, almost unconsciously, to pull at the blades of grass. Amy undid the plaits and began combing through the tangles. Murmuring an apology as the comb caught and snagged on the odd knot.

"I'm sorry Amy."

"Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry."

Amy paused the combing and rested her hands on Serena's shoulders.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Serena continued to look down and simply shook her bent head.

"Okay then." Amy sat back and continued combing before dividing the blonde mass into two sections. Maybe she could and should somehow find some of the others; Rei, Lita and Mina, but trusting an inner instinct, Amy had a feeling that Serena needed just one person right now – the quieter the better.

"Serena, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to – but you can listen. You're my best friend Serena and you mean more to me then books and study, you have to remember that." Amy felt Serena grow still under her hands, but she continued talking as she twisted the plaits back to their original arrangement. "Your allowed to cry alone sometimes Serena, everyone's entitled to be sad sometimes. But if I see you suffering needlessly, I will step in and make an executive decision. Okay?" Amy finished the twists, and gently turned Serena's shoulders around, leaning also and meeting her halfway.

"Okay Serena?" She repeated with a gentle shake.

"Okay Amy."

Amy moved to sit next to Serena, smiling a small triumphant smile when her friend rested her head against her shoulder. "Amy?"

"Yes?"

"Sometimes when you want something to change, you have to make it change. Don't you?"

"Yes, I guess."

The two friends sat quietly, side by side in the warm sun. After a short while Serena gave a sigh, and moved to stand.

"I better go, I was blubbering in that toilet longer then I thought. You want to walk home together?"

"I wish I could Serena, but I volunteered to tutor someone in Calculus, that's why I'm still here." Although Serena had turned away from Amy, it wasn't before Amy saw a shadow cross Serena's face and the tell tale stiffening of the leg pressed against her own. Amy quickly ran the sentence through her head looking for the trigger.

"That's okay." Serena pulled herself up, turning and offering Amy her hand and hauling her smaller friend up with a yank. "I better run, I am really, really late." Amy brushed herself down, still looking closely at her friend while they both leaned down to gather the books. Once piled back into Serena's arms, Serena looked shyly back at Amy.

"Thanks Amy."

"Don't mention it, I always enjoy discussing turtles." Serena laughed as she leaned in and gave Amy an awkward, book laden hug before turning back to the main walk and heading home. She turned back halfway down, and gave a little half wave half book wobble to her watching friend before passing through the main gates. Amy watched her till she passed beyond the wall and was lost to her sight, before turning back to the library. What had set Serena off so badly? The self doubt had been gnawing so loudly you could practically hear it swallow. Passing through the main foyer and back to her study area, Amy chanced to glance at the notice board and a prominent blue poster caught her eye. It read in stark black marker pen.

SENIOR TUTORIAL PROGRAM: SIGN UP NOW.

Suddenly last weeks scene between Darien, Serena, Rei and Lita suddenly flooded to Amy. The expression on Serena's face. The same one she had seen outside the bathroom , the same expression when Darien had joked at Serena's intelligence. The bathroom refuge; the books, the tears, the bloodshot eyes- that expression. Amy frowned to herself as she moved through the book stacks, thinking it all through.

Serena hurried home, pushing the garden gate heavily with one hip as she tried to scrabble for her house key without setting her books down. Success! Moving into the front hallway, she kicked the door shut with a foot and toed off her school shoes before padding in socked feet towards the stairs.

"Honey – Is that you?"

"Well its one of us, lucky for you or you just called a burglar 'Honey'."

Her mum came out of the study, glasses perched on her nose and a stack of papers in one hand a high lighter clasped in the other. " Very lucky for me then. Serena, how did your first tutorial go? "

Realising she had been expertly ambushed Serena turned back from the staircase, her intended route of escape to the haven that was her bedroom and faced her mother. "You might have mentioned you had actually spoken to my 'tutor' Mum." She couldn't help the accusation slipped from her mouth. Smiling gently, her mother leaned against the doorway and studied her oldest child. Serena was grateful for the long walk home, the ravages of crying had mostly subsided and any redness she could blame on the sun. "I have heard you talk about him, about Darien, before Serena and not too flatteringly either I might add, but he did point out that he was senior student with an excellent record and he really wanted to help. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So- did he?"

"So did he what?" Asked Serena, while running through the usual; Insult me, degrade me, bully me-thought Serena, not give me the benefit of the 'doubt'. Yes, yes, yes and no.

"Help you?" Her mother asked, pulling Serena out of her head and back into the hallway. Serena noticeably paused as she looked for an answer, she could be honest and deal with the consequences, she could lie and deal with the consequences when she failed or as her own words to Amy came back to her, she could take option number three.

'It went fine Mum, I showed him my study sheet-the one I put together and we went through it all. I will be seeing him three times a week as planned at the library. No problems."

Both of them knew it wasn't completely true. Then again after seventeen years, her Mother instinctively knew it wasn't completely a lie either, just something a little more or a little less then what it seemed. However she had pushed Serena enough lately, hopefully her daughter would come to her if things got too out of hand.

"Okay then, remember I'm really proud if you Honey. Trying is the important part. Right? "

Serena knew an out when she saw one, or heard one. "Right! Well I'm just going to have a shower, call me when dinners ready and I'll set the table?"

"Sure Honey, about hour okay?"

"Okay" Called Serena as she trooped up the stairs. Escape.

Later that night Serena lay in her bed looking at her study sheet. She could do this. She had to do it. There wasn't really any other option. Putting the chart on her bedside table she flicked off her lamp and lay back. Curling one arm under her pillow and the other on Luna's sleeping head, tucked up in a blanket niche to her right hand side, and closed her eyes.

The day's events drifted and filtered through her mind's eye, and she flickered between one and the other. That insistent whisper deep down, that truth she would only ever admit too in the safe dark.

Ugly.

Although she had said it, and she had meant it, and she knew he'd believed it, she couldn't quite bring herself to really believe it. She would give anything for him to really see her. Because really, he wasn't ugly at all.