Date Posted: 8th June 2010
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter
"Good morning ladies. You're all looking fine and lovely today. Don't you just love waking up to the sweet scent of early morning air?" flirted Sirius.
"Bollocks! There isn't a single morning that you've waken up before twelve without me dragging your lazy, fat arse out of bed," said Remus.
"I'll have you know, I've got a great, beautiful, sexy arse thank you very much."
"My ears! My poor, virgin ears! God Padfoot! Can't we have a single day without listening to you complimenting yourself with unwanted inappropriate sexual language?" said Prongs.
"I'm only saying the truth. Besides, you said the word 'virgin', isn't that 'unwanted inappropriate sexual language'?" argued Padfoot.
"The word 'virgin' isn't 'unwanted inappropriate sexual language! I could say Virgin Olive Oil and it would be totally platonic," countered Prongs. wierd.
"Wait a minute, olives have sex?" questioned Sirius.
"What? No! Their olives! They can't have sex! God, get that picture out of my head! Out!" shouted Prongs and continued, "Virgin olive oil has a free acidity, expressed as oleic acid, of not more than 2 grams per 100 grams (2.0%), and whose other characteristics correspond to those fixed for this category in the IOOC standards. It is a step in quality above Ordinary Virgin Olive and one below Extra Virgin Olive Oil."
"Who are you, and what have you done with James?" asked Remus.
"What? Aren't I allowed to be smart once in a while?"
"You sounded like Remus for a second there. How on earth do you know something so...cookingy?"
"That's not exactly a word Padfoot. I learnt it from...my mum! She loves to cook," explained James. Whilst his mum did in fact, like to cook, it was not where he actually learnt it from. James actually learnt it from a Food Technology course during the holidays. His parents forced him to attend Muggle school holiday classes so he wouldn't be behind other muggles. This meant he basically went to two schools. Poor him. One is bad enough already. Food Tech was one of the compulsory courses. I suppose they didn't want males surviving on instant noodles for the rest of their lives.
"PHOTOS! GET YOUR OWN PERSONAL COPY OF MALFOY IN A DRESS FOR 20 SICKLES! SNAPE IN A TUTU FOR 18 SICKLES! ALBUM COLLECTION OF THE NIGHT FOR 5 GALLEONS! SNAPE AND MALFOY MAKING OUT FOR 3 GALLEONS!"
"Is that the kid you got to sell the photos we took last night?" asked Remus.
"Yeah," said Prongs, "Riley Bartha, third year muggleborn, Gryffindor. Jumped at the chance to embarrass any snake after some sabotaged his potion."
"I can't wait to see Malfoy's and Snivellus' face," snickered Padfoot.
"BLACK/POTTER! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"Then wait no longer. Two raging snakes at two o'clock," said Prongs, looking at the murderous visages of Malfoy and Snape.
"Prongs, can't you read a clock? It's 8:30am!" said Sirius.
"It's a direc- oh, forget about it. Muggle thing," sighed James.
"I'LL WRANG YOU'RE NECKS!"
"What do you do all day? Read a muggle expressions dictionary?" asked Sirius.
"You just pick it up."
"CURSE YOU TO OBLIVION!"
"There you go again!"
"God you wizards are so behind in terms of language."
"CHAIN YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"
"We're not behind. You're just using stupid muggle language that doesn't make sense!"
"It makes perfect sense! You can say these expressions to any muggle or muggleborn and they won't even need to think to get what you were saying. They wouldn't even notice it's so common!"
"WOULD TWO QUIT IGNORING US! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU!"
"Oh, when did they get here?" asked Sirius.
"No idea," said James, "anyway, you wizards don't know anything muggle slang other than shag or snog!"
"Well muggles don't know the simplest spells!"
"Of course they don't! Their MUGGLES!"
"Precisely, they don't know wizarding spell language."
"WE'RE STILL HERE YOU KNOW!"
"That's unfair! You say muggles don't know any spells, but wizards don't know any technology jargon!"
stupefy! shot both Malfoy and Snape which both Black and Potter easily blocked.
"Good morning gentlemen. For what do we owe your presence this fine Thursday morning?" greeted Padfoot.
"As we were trying to tell you for the past five minutes, WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU BLACK/POTTER!"
"Say Mr. Padfoot, wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to activate the back-up plan to embarrass Malfoy and Snape further?"
"Why Mr. Prongs, what an excellent idea."
Remus just shook his head in disapproval, but went back to his book, knowing he wouldn't be able to stop them.
"Initiate The Back-up Plan To Embarrass Malfoy And Snape Further!"
"That's the name of your grand back-up plan?" asked Remus skeptically.
"Yup. Simple, precise and straight to the point," replied Sirius, "Just like you said."
"I told you that to help with essays, not naming pranks."
"Same diff," replied Prongs.
Sirius and Prongs tapped their wands against each others, creating a spark that projected a countdown.
10...
"What's this about Black?" asked Malfoy.
9...
"You're about to find out," smirked Sirius.
7...
"This better not be something stupid again Potter!" said Snape, "It sounds like one of those cheap Saturday Morning cartoon self-destruct machines." (Remember, Snape was raised in Spinners End, so he knows muggle)
6...
"What are you on about Snivellus? The fumes must have gone to your head," said Sirius, being the ever ignorant pureblood of muggle society he was.
5...
"It's not cheap! I modified the spell myself!" cried James at Snape's comment.
4...
"I modified a Tempus charm to countdown and activate the spells we placed on you," said James proudly. He got this idea from sticking his head into a computer screen too much. The minute his parents introduced him to a computer he got hooked and stuck to it 24/7. He was now the proud owner of two PCs, a Windows and a Mac, a laptop (Toushiba) and a mini netbook (forget about the times these were introduced, I'm not bothered.) He had even written a couple of his own programs and owned a large portion of IBM and Microsoft.
2...
"I should introduce you guys to a computer one day."
"Whatever, I don't know what a kompewta is anyway"
1...
It's computer Padfoot, and you'll get hooked faster than you can say 'Quidditch'"
"Quidditch!" shouted Padfoot, "Aha! I'm not hooked yet Prongs."
"Padfoot...you're not on a computer yet either."
0...
*puff* *puff*
Malfoy and Snape were once again in their tutus and dresses, both wearing 5 inch heels.
I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
People around the Great Hall were once again taking photos and crowding around the spectacle. Unsurprisingly, with his long blonde silky hair, Malfoy looked astonishingly like Barbie.
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
Everything thats wonderful is what I feel
When we're together.
Whilst they were singing this, a butterfly-filled, flowery meadow was projected in the background and James and Sirius controlled Malfoy and Snape to skip in slow motion through the sparkly scene, making everyone crack up. Can you imagine that? Snape? In a tutu? Prancing through a flowery meadow? Smiling? With funny sparkly lights illuminating the scene? You gotta laugh at that mate.
"POTTER!"
"Yes my beautiful Lily?"
"SHUT UP! I'M NOT YOURS! NOW STOP THIS STUPID CHILDISH PRANK OF YOURS RIGHT NOW!"
"We're only enjoying a good laugh."
"Yeah Lily," joined Sirius.
"Remus! How could you let them do something so horrible to anyone?" called Lily.
"I had no part in this, and you know them, once they get started, nothing short of Judgement Day can stop them, which we all know isn't today."
"I'm not sure," said Alice, "Wait, let me check my calendar."
"Um...Alice, Judgement Day isn't on the calendar."
"Eh? Why not? National Mathematics Day is on it, I'm sure if there's someone looser enough to put that on the calendar someone must have put Judgement Day on it."
"It's a muggle thing," explained James.
"The Queen's birthday is on it," said Alice.
"No, that's not what I mean. Judgement Day is a fictional reference to the Sarah Conor Chronicles and the Bible. It's just means the end of the world. It's not real," explained James.
"Oh."
"Since when did you become the muggle expert Potter?"
"I asked the same thing last night Lily," said Sirius.
"He's got a relative in one of the ministry's muggle departments," informed Remus, which was lie, but hey, what they don't know can't hurt them.
"Whatever, now let them down James before I kick you again!"
"Sure!" piqued James.
"Now James, think about what you're saying, if you don't let them down I'll kick you in the nuts so hard you'l- wait a minute, what did you say?"
"I said sure."
"Really?"
"Yup! For a price of course. A kiss from you would be sufficient."
"In your dreams! Now shut up and stop this stupid prank!"
"For a matter of fact, I have actually had a dream where you've kissed me, hundreds of them in fact."
"I'm not getting a day younger, now get on with it!"
"Only for a kiss."
"That's about as likely as me marrying you, having a kid who is prophesised to kill a Dark Lord and him reflecting the killing curse and being shipped off to my muggle sister because we're dead!"
...
*cricket* *cricket*
...
*cricket* *cricket*
The entire hall burst out laughing.
"Haha! Nice one Lily! That will never happen! Hahaha!" burst Alice.
"Not only will you marry him, but have his kid? Hahaha! I never took you for the joking type!" chortled Sirius, clutching on his stomach and pounding the floor.
"Yeah guys. Really funny. Ha ha," James said drabbly, "Go ahead, shatter your best mate's dreams of marrying his girlfriend. It's hilarious. I'm laughing so hard my guts are spewing out. Ha. Ha."
"I'm not your girlfriend Potter!" disputed Lily,"and don't give me such an image; I'm vegetarian."
"You may not be mine now, but you will be."
"As if!" huffed Lily.
"Not to be rude or anything but, HELLO! What happened to trying to get us out of these stupid clothes?" exclaimed Malfoy.
"Oh right, sorry bout that. God distracted," apologised Lily, "POTTER! Stop this prank this instant!"
"Sorry Lils, no kiss, no stop."
"Fine, have it your way. Don't say I didn't warn you."
*Kick*
*Thump*
James was out cold.
All the males in the crowd winced, and tried to shy away from the vicious kick.
"And the current count for this year is, James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 32" iterated Remus.
"It's no use Lily, you need both of us unconscious or the prank remains intact," informed Sirius.
*Thump*
Not the right thing to say.
"I correct myself, James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 33."
They just really don't get it do they?