Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue or any of the characters.
AN: Okay, so sorry it took so long, and sorry it's short, but I just wanted to get something out before I go away for the weekend. And I know people wanted to know how this conversation was going to go so hopefully you guys like it. I'm aiming to update next week sometime to make up for this short chapter. Also, thank you to the anon reviewers that I can't thank via pm :)
"I have to tell you something," Sam said quietly as they sat at his table later that night. Andy took a sip of her wine and peered at him across the table.
"What is it?" She asked worried, she could hear the change in his tone. He knew this was going to hurt her, and he hated himself for it.
"I'm going undercover again," Sam blurted out.
Okay, maybe not the best way to broach that particular subject, but at least now she knows.
Her mouth opened and then closed again, deciding against whatever she was going to say. Or maybe, he thought, she just couldn't formulate a reply to sufficiently articulate the betrayal she felt. Because really, that's what this was. Even though they had never specifically talked about it, it was an unspoken agreement of sorts that he wouldn't rejoin Guns and Gangs.
He loved undercover work, he really did. He loved the challenge of it, the challenge of completely embodying the character, he loved the break from routine, and he had to admit he loved the thrill, the edge of danger. Which he knew was stupid, but it was still something he craved on some testosterone fueled, adrenaline pumping level.
So, yes, Sam Swarek thoroughly enjoyed the undercover life, but he realized that giving it up was a necessary sacrifice for the success of his relationship. Not only the success of his relationship, but also Andy's own peace of mind.
One particularly introspective night after Sam had impulsively agreed to Boyd's offer, his mind drifted to how Andy would feel while he was undercover. He dredged up his feelings on Andy's many near-death escapades, feelings he usually kept buried for two reasons. Firstly, because he was a man, not unlike most, that didn't like to discuss or think about such things, but also because the utter helplessness and looming grief were emotions that threatened to suffocate him. He couldn't even imagine the weight of those emotions bearing down on him every day for months on end.
So, he had a very clear perception of how this would affect Andy, because they were alike in the way that they couldn't stand feeling helpless, they hated to stand idly by while someone they loved was possibly in danger. The knowledge of what this was going to do to her provoked feelings of self loathing that had previously been nonexistent.
"When?"
He was a little taken aback by this question, but he answered quickly.
"A few weeks, 3 or 4. I don't know exactly, Boyd-"
She cut him off mid sentence. "No, when did you decide to do this?"
"Last week," he admitted sheepishly. He wasn't about to lie to her.
She nodded, like he was confirming something she already knew. Her expression was neutral, but he could see the hurt lingering in her eyes. He needed to tell her the whole story, make her understand that the last thing he wanted was to be apart from her. But she spoke first, surprising him.
"I'm sorry; I don't mean to be unsupportive. I just assumed that you were done with Guns and Gangs." He opened his mouth to interrupt, to tell wanted to be, oh God he wanted to be, but she held up her hand. "I know, I know it was presumptuous of me to assume that you would give up something you love just because we started dating."
He would sacrifice anything for her, didn't she know that?
"So, I'm sorry, I'm just a little surprised, that's all. I really hope it goes well, and I hope you'll be safe."
She was holding back, he could tell. There was something she wasn't saying. She sounded so stiff and formal, as if she were wishing luck to a fellow officer she hardly knew.
"I am done with Guns and Gangs; I mean I wanted to be. This was never supposed to happen. Boyd had been hounding me for weeks and he caught me at a bad time and I agreed to get him off my back. It was stupid and impulsive and you don't even know how much I wish I could take it back."
Andy looked relieved, and some of the tension drained from her face. "That's it? You didn't say yes because-" she paused, considering. "Because of me?"
"Because of you?" he asked, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
"Forget it, it's stupid." She looked embarrassed now after her impulsive words.
Sam reached across the table, taking Andy's hands in his.
"Tell me,"
She looked down at their connected hands as she spoke. "Well, you know, nothing say space like going undercover for a couple months."
He stared at her for a moment, agape. He then tipped her face up to look into his eyes. He held her gaze captive with his own, putting as much emotion and truth as he could into his that lingering stare.
"No, it had nothing to do with that at all. This is all on me. I was rash and stupid and it's my fault. I want you to know that I would give this up for you if I could, but it's too late. Everything is already set in motion."
She let out a breath. "Okay,"
His brows furrowed. "Okay? That's it? You're not mad?"
"No. Like you said it was a mistake. I don't like it and I'm definitely not looking forward to it, but God knows you've endured enough of my mistakes. I think it was your turn," she joked, poking his arm.
"Wow McNally, who knew you could be so mature and level headed." he said playfully.
"Hey, don't make me regret it."
Andy walked over to his side of the table, pushed his chair away from the table and sat down on his lap. She laid her head on his shoulder and breathed in deeply.
"Did I mention how much I'm gonna miss you?"
"I'm not going anywhere just yet." Sam reminded her.
She planted a kiss on his neck, sucking softly. "Well then, I guess we'll just have to make the most of these next few weeks."
She pulled back, grinning wickedly right before she crushed her lips to his. He brought his hands up to the nape of her neck, pulling her closer. Andy swung her right leg over his so she was now straddling his lap and Sam thought; well she definitely took that news better than expected..