Date Posted: 16th July 2010

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

*SPLASH*

*BANG*

*WHAM*

*BOOM*

*POW*

*CLANG*

*CLASH*

Remus, as I'm sure many of you have already guess, was once again trying to wake the Marauders up. Whilst they may not have classes it didn't mean they didn't have to wake up. He cast a tempus charm. Remus had started this escapade at one in attempt to get them up for lunch - it was now one thirty and he was still having little success.

He had hoped not to resort to this as he personally loathed it, but his fellow Marauders left him with no choice. He scoured his trunk for the magical recording James had given to him as a joke.

It was, the dreaded, almighty, ear-piercing, blood-curdling, hell-raising...

CHINESE OPERA!

*insert dramatic Beethoven Fifth Symphony dun-dun-dun-dun!
(A/N - review anyone who agrees they can't stand that stuff! If you like it, no offence intended. My grandfather likes it and my aunty sings it. Luckily I don't live with either of them, but if you do like it, your free to continue doing so.)

Merlin it was bloody loud. He couldn't stand the stuff. It could wake the dead if given a chance. No wonder only ancient grannies and senile gramps listened to it. They were so deaf they probably couldn't even hear the damned stuff.

Remus added a Mandrake-Proof earmuffs on top of his earplugs to ensure extra protection. The first time he heard it, he thought it was from some horror film like the one James showed them once. James apparently thought it was a good idea to play Chinese Opera every time he was trying to think. Needless to say even Remus couldn't resist almost socking him in the face after the 3rd day.

3...

2...

1...

SCREEEECHHHH!

I'd rather listen to the Banshee of the Year than this stuff.

Luckily, the rest of the Marauders seemed to think so too as the all hit the ceilings straight after the first note played.

"EEEEKKKKKKK!" squealed Peter.

"MOONY YOU WANKER! TURN THAT THING OFF!" shouted James at the top of his lungs, covering his ears as much as possible to protect any hearing he had left.

"MOONY, IF YOU DON'T THAT THAT THING OFF RIGHT NOW, I'LL THROW YOU INTO A POOL OF SILVER!" Sirius had it worst. For one thing, he was right next to the sound output, and secondly, his animagus form as a dog enhanced his hearing. Not only could he listen to the horrible notes within the human ear's decibel range, but he could also hear the really high pitch screeches that only dogs could. Poor, poor puppy.

Remus couldn't hear their pleas or threats behind his double layer of ear protection and silencing wards he was standing behind, but turned it off upon seeing them awake anyway.

"Good, now that you're all awake, get ready to head down to the Great Hall for lunch."

"Lunch? You woke us up with Chinese Opera for lunch?," seethed Sirius, "My ears are bleeding over something as petty as lunch!"

"Moony! How could you? The playing of Chinese Opera should be a one way ticket to Azkaban!" complained James the hypocrite, "Lunch," he scoffed, "Rubbish! How could anyone feel like eating after listening to that? Feel like retching is more likely."

"If you hurry now, you might still be able to catch some treacle tarts and chocolate éclai-"

Before Remus could even finish his sentence, they shot out of the boys dormitory faster than a Firebolt.

"So much for retching," Remus huffed, before heading to the Great Hall himself and slammed the dorm door shut.

Upon entering the Great Hall, Remus noticed two things. One was that Sirius was stuffing his face and two, was that Lily and James were talking. Yup, talking. Not screaming or fawning, but normal day to day talking. This was the kinda stuff you would never see unless Sirius spiked your food.

"Sirius, did you spike my food?" asked Remus, completely shocked.

"No. It's not a hallucination, it's real. That was the first thing I asked myself too, until I saw the plum puddings," he added, before voraciously gobbling more food likr a vacuum cleaner in an attic.

"You asked yourself if you spiked your food?" Remus asked incredulously.

"No, but I'll remember to do that next time. Ya never know what alcohol does to a person," he said.

Merlin he's...Sirius.

"Lily's trying to make an effort of hating Potter less after he saved her."

Remus turned around to see Euphie and Alice. Whilst Sirius initially did too, he changed his mind and brought his attention back to food as the plate of cauldron cakes refilled itself.

"I can honestly say I've never been more shocked in my life. I never expected this to happen so soon with the way Lily acted towards James just yesterday at the pub."

"I know. You should have seen the way Lily was hugging James in the Hospital Wing last night...this morning...at about 1:30 this morning," Euphie finally settled on, not knowing which time reference to use. (A/N - stumps me all the time. Anyone know which one you should use or if there's some random made up term for it? Probably on urban dictionary.)

"But that hug doesn't exactly count. One she was kooky in the Hospital Wing, and two, she thought it was Jasper," Alice reminded.

"Maybe we should owl Jasper about this new revelation," Euphie said looking at James and Lily politely chatting, "I would certainly want to know if my girlfriend suddenly did a 180 attitude turn on the most hated vain of existence in her life."

"Lily said so herself, they aren't dating just friends - really close friends. Though, we should still probably owl Jasper. He could be upset."

"I doubt it," muttered Remus under his breath, "the opposite more like it."

Euphie and Alice didn't hear him, too occupied by staring at a passing platter of Yorkshire Pudding and Triple Choc Fudge to care.

"So," Remus continued, "What are they talking about?"

The two girls were still entranced by the platters of sugar.

"Girls! GIRLS!" Remus sighed. If he could wake the Marauders up, then he could divert two girls from-, "CHOCOLATE!"

Remus launched himself to the towering tower of rich, expensive Swedish Chocolate. The girls could wait.

I returned to my seat with a stack of chocolate on my plate. There were chocolate bars, chocolate cakes, chocolate fudge, chocolate almonds, chocolate ice-cream, chocolate everything! I'm in heaven~!

Halfway through eating my assortment of chocolates, Euphemia and Alice seated themselves next to me.

"I know we set this a long time ago but don't think it's over. We were about to remind you when we were distracted by the floating Yorkshire Pudding and Triple Choc Fudge. Remember the bet we set in third year?" said Euphie.

"No. What bet?" I asked, puzzled.

"Remus, you betted without me?" asked Sirius, hurt.

"You were in it too Sirus. Remember the one we made when we were hiding in Moaning Murtle's bathroom about which grade James and Lily would get together?"

"Oh, that one?" recalled Remus, "Yeah, what about it?"

"It's happened and according to the rules, you two, who betted the furthest from the truth have to continue with rest of the bet," said the girls, smirking.

"What?" me and Sirus half shouted, "but they're not dating! They're just talking!" I continued.

"Yeah!" Sirius agreed, obviously not wanting to do the penalty for losing the bet.

"Na ah ah!" rejected Euphemia, "As I recall, the exact words for the bet were, "When Lily gives James the time of day" which she obviously has," she pointed towards the talking couple.

"But we meant it as dating not literally giving him the time of day with just talking!" denied Sirius.

"A bet is a bet," said Alice smugly.

"We can't do it!" said Sirius, "we lost our copy of the speech!"

I vigorously nodded in agreement.

"Lucky for you, well, maybe unlucky, we have a copy," the two grinned evilly, handing us a piece of parchment and gesturing towards the podium.

"You want us to do it now?" I asked incredulously.

They just nodded.

In a situation like this, there's only one thing you can do -

"Padfoot, this is all your fault."

Set the blame on others.

"My fault? You joined the bet on your own free will! You chose what year to bet on yourself! I didn't choose it for you!"

"I don't care! It's still your fault! Now I have to read this stupid thing! I'll be the laughing stock of Hogwarts!"

"You'll be the laughing stock? What about me? I have to read it with you! My reputation will be ruined because of this! It'll be ages before I'll get another girl!"

"Listen girls," my tone pleading, "can we please just forget about it and pretend it never happened? It was third year!"

"Nope," Euphie popped the p, "We agreed on it and now it's time to carry it out. I betted sixth year, Alice betted fifth year, you betted on seventh and Sirius betted never. So obviously, with you two furthest from the truth, you two have to read out the speech in front of the whole school together!" she ended happily.

"You evil, evil devil," Sirius accused.

"Glad to be," she smiled.

Sirius and I relented to our imminent demise and perpetual major embarrassment.

I rushed down to the Great Hall to get to those treacle tarts Remus was talking about. Ah~! Treacle tarts. Those sweet, sticky lovely little dishes of sugar.

Upon entering the hall I noticed two things. Hundreds of floating platters of dessert, and treacle tarts. I'm in heaven~!

I dove into the mountains of sugary sweetness with Padfoot following close behind me.

Maybe I should take a muggle baking class this summer holidays. That way I could have extra sugary treacle tarts whenever I want...or I could just get Knobby (Potter house elf) to do it.

I dragged a stack of treacle tarts and other desserts with me to my seat and started digging in faster than Naruto through ramen (if you know what I'm talking about). Thank Merlin for whoever invented treacle tarts. Maybe I should start a treacle tart fan site on the internet. How about, "Potter's Potty Treacle Tart Fanatics"? Though, I probably shouldn't use the family name, but it's not like any of the other purebloods would know a thing about the internet.

Speaking of which, I need to design that new skin for Google and write that program I've been meaning to work on. I haven't checked my IBM share report yet, or my email in ages. Merlin do I miss Warcraft. I haven't even updated my blog since school started! I really need a way to make muggle technology work at Hogwarts. Maybe I could ask the Founders to help me. Then I could bring my laptop and modem with me to school. The Room of Requierments maybe? Or maybe- calm down! Stop thinking about computers! You're suffering from OCD and PD again!
(For those who don't know, OCD stands for Obsessive Computer Disorder and PD is postmodem disorder. Check these up on urban dictionary if you don't know. James is a computer addict like me so he knows these terms. Though, it may just be the fact that I have no life.)

I was just about to go through all the different encodings I could use for my fan page (being a computer nerd/fanatic) when Lily sat next to me.

She didn't seem too sure on sitting next to me on her own accord. I tried to smile in a congenial way as not to make her have second thoughts.

"Hi James," she said nervously.

"Hi Lily," I smiled. I didn't dare use one of my nicknames for her.

"They're crazy with the sugar today aren't they?" asked Lily, trying to start a conversation.

"Yeah," trying not to let her efforts go to waste, "I think they are trying to make everyone hyper and happy with all the sugar to forget about the Hogsmeade attack."

"Seems to be working."

"Are you, alright after...?"

"I'm fine. After talking to you, Ali (Alice) and Mia (Euphemia) about it, it's almost as if it never happened. This sugar is making me uber happy anyway. Must have some sort of cheering draught in it. Pass the apple pie please?"

"Sure," as I passed the apple pie and vanilla custard.

"Thanks. How'd you know I liked it with vanilla custard as opposed to vanilla ice-cream? It would have been closer to you," she asked.

I did it more or less out of habit as Jasper. She didn't like vanilla ice-cream on her apple pies 'cause the hot pie and cold ice-cream gave her teeth funny sensations.

"I,er, like it with custard better myself," I tried explaining. Not really, I like the cold sensations of ice-cream.

"Oh, I suppose we have one thing in common now," she said, pouring a generous serving of the said custard on her pie. Well, maybe it was a good thing I said I liked custard better.

"Hey Lily," interrupted Geoff bloody Hackley, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain and prefect from the prank if you remember.

"Hi Hacksley," she politely greeted, completely diverting her attention from me.

"Call me Geoff," he offered.

"Ah, sure...Geoff," clearly not comfortable with the first name usage.

"They're crazy with the sugar today aren't they? I think they are trying to make everyone hyper and happy with all the sugar to forget about the Hogsmeade attack," Geoff said.

"Hey! That's my line you plagiariser!" I fumed in my thoughts.

"Yeah, I suppose so," she just said.

"Are you alright? I heard you had to stay in the hospital wing overnight. You feeling better?" he asked with fake concern (according to James).

Not only does he try to steal the Quidditch Cup from me but he's also trying to steal Lily from me. The nerve of this guy! Can't he see that Lily doesn't want his attention and that you should get your arse out of here?

"Oh, I'm fine. They just wanted me to stay as a precaution, that's all." shuffling away slightly when Hacksley moved closer.

"Now, Hacksley, don't you have your own Ravenclaw table to sit at?" trying to keep him away from Lily who looked really uncomfortable with Hacksley that close to her. I tried to keep insults to a minimum. Afterall, I had just gotten out of Lily's Book of Hatred.

"Oh yeah, Potter? Ready worried you'll lose the Cup to Ravenclaw this year?" Hacksley turned to me and away from Lily. It worked.

"Have I ever lost it to you?" I returned, "If I remember Gryffindor won last years cup, along with all the others for the past 4 years."

"Well be prepared to lose it, because the quaffle will be out of your hands faster than you can say, 'quidditch'!" he spat. (A/N - I stick to the story that James was a Chaser and possibly substitute Seeker if necessary. Cause in the movies he's a Seeker but when asked, JK Rowling said he was a Chaser. So to me, he's a Chaser.)

"I'm not going to argue with you anymore," trying not to loose his temper and hex him in front of Lily, "Just get back to your own table."

"What? Ran out of good comebacks?" he mocked, "Well you can tell your stupid team of Gryffindor arses to-"

"Hacksley!" she didn't even use his first name, "I know you guys have a Quidditch rivalry but get back to your table now! If you turn it into an argument it will warrant a detention," she said sternly.

Hacksley sneered at me before returning to his own table, not risking a detention.

"I must admit James," said Lily, "You surprised me with the maturity you handled the situation. And whilst it was not ideal, I know you're no saint, but at least you didn't hex him like I expected you to."

"Thanks Lily," I beamed. Lily complementing me, now that's really something to smile at.

"Ahem," Remus coughed using sonorus to draw the attention of the hall. He was standing on a dias with Sirius, Alice and Euphie in tow. He didn't look like he wanted to be there at all.

"Sirius and I, have an announcment we woul- I don't want to do this!" Remus said.

"Get on with it! A bet is a bet!" urged Alice.

The whole hall was very interested in what was going on.

"But this is evil!" claimed Sirius.

Alice and Euphie gave a heated glare that sent shivers up Remus' and Sirius' spines.

"Sirius and I have an announcement we would like to make," he read grudgingly from the parchement, "I am sad to inform you that- that" he looked as if he was about to die from embarrassment, "that Sirius and I are g-gay...together, and have been secretly - I am NOT saying that!"

"Oh yes you are! Go!" shouted Alice, swatting him on the back of the head.

"shagging together every night behind the backs of our fellow dormates and bestfriends."

I was shocked. Whilst gays and lesbians were accepted in the Magical World, nobody just announced this stuff, even straight relationships, in front of the whole school - even if it was a forced prank.

Remus and Sirius looked as if they were about to cry along with most of the female population whilst Severus looked as if Christmas had come early.

"I can't believe you are making me do this!"

"Just read it Lupin!" ordered Mia, giving him a kick.

"Sirius has only been dating, snogging and shagging girls as not to raise suspicion to our- nightly activities? Wha- OUCH! and all the books I read is actually p-p-porn about d-different p-posit- this is disgui-Ow! under charms to appear like school material."

The whole hall was shocked. Some were crying and others were laughing at Sirius' and Remus' expense.

"NO! I'm not reading this stupid parchment anymore and you can't make me!" exclaimed Remus, as he and Sirius tried to run off the stage.

"Get back here!" shouted Euphie as she dragged the two squirming guys by the collar back to the podium.

"Read!" demanded Alice, "It's part of the bet!"

This time it was Padfoot's turn to read.

"The reason we are announcing this in front of the whole school, other than the fact these two devils are forc- ouch! Alright! Alright! I'll read your damned sheet!"

"The reason we are announcing this in front of the whole school," he continued, "is...NO WAY! Never! I may be a playboy but I am NEVER going to read that! You can't make me! Ouch! Ouch! Alright! Stop hitting me! What are you using? An iron rod? I said stop it already!"

"Is because we are looking for more people, especially guys to join us in our shag sessions," at this stage Remus brokedown crying from shame and embarrassment whilst the whole hall just stared gob-smacked at this joke, "We do not mind threesomes or m-more. People interested in BDSM are also welco- I refuse to read anymore of this! Think of my image! It's all ruined! All the girls are going to think I'm gay now!"

"There's only a few lines left now! Just read it!" forced Euphie.

"Interviews will be held in room 11 at lunch time tomorrow so we can a-a-assess what you can d-do amongst other t-things. So be prepared with s-s-striptease routines. Boys, girls, ghosts? and tabby cats? or other animals welcome as we do not mind bestiality? and are closet necrophiles?"

At this point, not even Sirius could tolerate it anymore, for he too broke-down crying in humiliation at what the two girls put them through.

Alice and Euphie were on the ground howling with non-stop laughter as well as much of the hall. McGonagall was beet red in the face and shell-shocked along with most of the teachers whilst Dumbledore only had that twinkle of amusment in his eyes.

"Wow James," said Lily, "Life is never boring with your friends around is it."

I was too shocked to do anything but nod.

"Looks like my friends just pranked the pranksters. Brilliantly might I add," she smiled.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

That speech was a bit more detailed than what I originally expected. I just came up with this idea out of no where, but I found it pretty funny. Once again, no offense to people who aren't straight or like BDSM or anything else that may offend you. This is purely for a joke and not to offend you.

If you don't know any of the terms from the speech you may or may not want to look it up depending on whether you feeling like have a WTF moment.

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