Chapter 11 – Confessions

Disclaimer – if I could create characters like this, I wouldn't write fanfic.

Kate's chin tipped skyward, but her eyes were locked on the ground. At least he hadn't walked away, no that was her MO.

She struggled with the demon inside, the demon that yelled at her to say 'go home Castle, go home.' Isn't that what she always said? When he was so close he crawled inside her skin and made her question herself.

Kate jammed her hands into her pockets, so that he couldn't see her clenching her hands into fists and slowly raised her eyes to meet his gaze "How long?

He moved his hand from her chin to rest on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Castle wasn't sure if his motivation for placing his hand on her shoulder was to reassure her they could get through this or to make sure she didn't run.

He tried a faint smile, "Perhaps since the hospital or that day on the swings or the day we dug the coed out of the cement. Certainly since sniper case."

In return she gave him a weak smile and her eyes asked the question her mouth wouldn't "How?"

Castle wanted to tell her she was cold, her teeth were chattering and they should go inside, after all her apartment was only a few blocks away. To break the moment might threaten the honesty of it.

"The only one that matters is what Esposito shared with me about PTSD, that it's a self-contained prison. And as part of self-preservation you, like many others, would do anything possible to shove your memories back in a box. That by locking them up in a box, you could pretend they didn't' happen. Just like you said in the hospital 'some things are better not remembered'."

Kate's eyes filled with guilt. "It wasn't that I wanted to forget what you said, it was completely tangled up with everything else. I needed perspective, untangle my mind."

Castle's eyes questioned her "is there more?" He loved how they could talk with their eyes. He allowed himself a silent chuckle a writer who preferred silent eye talk over words was a bit of an oxymoron.

She answered "I wasn't ready."

Castle hoped she was ready to dive in, dive in with him. "Are you ready now?"

"I want to be, I've been working towards it." A hint of a playful smile graced her face. "Working towards you."

His heart skipped a beat, did she say 'you' meaning me. "How?"

"I've been seeing someone."

The fleeting look of pain in his eyes didn't go unnoticed. She reached out and squeezed his arm. It felt good to touch him again. "Hey, not like that…his name is Dr. Burke, the department shrink who cleared me for active duty. He's been helpful, painful at times, but very helpful."

Castle nodded his head. A touch of the twinkle was back in his blue blue eyes.

Kate started talking and couldn't stop. Months, no years of pent up feelings and emotions started tumbling out of her mouth.

"You have been my everything. I betrayed you. It's was wrong of me to need to breath above your right to know the truth. I know you don't say things without meaning them, but part of me was afraid you said it only because you thought I was dying. Or you said it too early, because you didn't say it again. At the same time I was relieved you didn't say it again. I wasn't ready, I was torn - do I say I heard you but can't handle it or find out you wish you hadn't said it, or do I lie?"

Castle opened his mouth to speak. She brought her fingers to his lips to silence him, tentatively brushing her thumb across his lips.

"When I returned after the summer and saw how angry you were with me, how hurt you were ...I was such a mess I didn't know how to undo the lie without hurting you more. I didn't want to, I couldn't hurt you again. I refused to risk losing you over the lie. So I continued to deny I heard you - it was selfish, it was wrong. I needed you so badly when I returned, to have lost you then would have crushed me. I was no...I 'm still so damaged and I still need you. But now if you choose to walk away - I can handle it, I will understand."

PS. Thanks for the reviews. My apologies for writing such short chapters, but I like to keep you guessing and I pretend that the end of each chapter is a commercial break.