Rose of Jericho

by peterpauper

Would we laugh at gilded butterflies? Sequel to Chrysanthemum.

31. Chapter 29

-

Chapter 29

-

Yuuki woke up with a headache. The sort you get when you've thought about something serious that has absolutely no resolution for too long and then just gone to sleep. It was the brains way of letting you know you'd left it in the lurch the night before. And a little dehydrated because you cried too much. Yet, for the first time in day's she'd slept without seeing her daughters face. Or the daughter that would have had a face should she have made it officially into the world. The child had been very, very real to her. Very alive. With its tiny heartbeat and fluttering movements. Now she was empty.

Something shifted beside her. Something wet. Yuuki looked at Kyoya. He had taken his shirt off, but his slacks had been sodden and his shoes full up with water. Surely a man with half a brain would have thought to take them off too. The girl smiled. He was holding her, just as he had been every other morning. As if nothing had happened. Forgiveness is like that, or is supposed to be. You forgive and you don't forget, but you move on. He had said there was nothing to forgive, but Yuuki believed that there was. She still felt an ache of shame and a pain in her stomach, but they would fade in time. With him, wounds faded. He had stayed with her.

Kyoya woke up uncomfortable and vowed never, ever, ever to sleep with shoes on again. Ever. Never ever never. Even if the world was exploding and he just so happened to be getting into bed at the time. It was like walking around in brand new leather shoes without socks on, all day. Especially since the shoes were brand new and leather and he'd been wearing them all day. Soggy socks also became a particular to-don't on his hit list of fashion. The man looked over, his wife was asleep. He bet she'd woken up and then drifted off again. As per usual. There were still dark lines under her eyes, but her tone had lightened slightly. Kyoya didn't doubt she'd been to hell and back in the last few days. Especially when she'd blamed herself for the fault of biology. Things went wrong and she had needed someone or something to blame. The closest and most reasonable thing had been herself. It made sense. She'd carried the child and it had died. Like she'd broken fragile cargo.

The man kicked his shoes off and pulled Yuuki closer. She was warm. Like always. But somehow more delicate. Translucent, like aged paper. Secrets that had faded to dust. Their secrets.

It had hurt him, to lose their baby. It felt like a little candle had been lit out. A life had disappeared before it had even breathed real air. It had been breathing its mother, which is why she had been so distraught when it died. It breathed her just like she breathed him and he her. A constant chain of life that had abruptly been cut shorter. Their daughter would have smelt like white lilies and jasmine. A perfect extension of themselves. But life wasn't perfect. Life allowed things to die. And death, no matter how inevitable, hurt. It just did. It left no little pain, even if the being had been small.

Kyoya kissed his wife's head. She would wake up in a minute. No matter what seemed to happen, she always smelled like rose. Always. Her face was always proud, it did not call out; but rather, softly beckoned. She would always be Yuuki, as long as she had him and he her.

The girl stirred and brought her hand to her face. Her fingers ran over her eyelids before they opened. "Hey." Her tone was sleepy, but ever so subtly bright. Happy to see him, despite everything that had happened.

Kyoya kissed her tenderly.

"I didn't say hello last night." Yuuki blinked a few times.

"No one would expect you to."
"I forgot you at the airport."
"No one would expect you to remember."
"I got your pants all wet."
Kyoya laughed. "Yes, yes you did." Pause. "Are you alright?"
"Slightly...soggy."
"Don't avoid the question."
Yuuki tugged at the top of the covers. "I'm...yeah. As can be expected."
"You should have told me." He softly berated. "I know everything about you, I wouldn't have been mad or stopped loving you."

"Thank you, God."

"No, seriously. You don't see yourself clearly."
"This isn't about me."
"It is. Don't argue with me."
"You had to work. I could handle it."
There was a long pause. He didn't doubt that she could, even so. He was her husband. "Does it still hurt?"
The girl nodded. "Like an empty stomach." Like dull hunger pains.

Her husband paused. How do you deal with the loss of someone you didn't know, yet knew so intimately? Someone who was a part of yourself and a part of the one closest to you, someone who you'd never officially met. "I should have been there."
"You were where you were needed."
"Not where I was needed most." Sometimes, business just had to wait. They were only human, not machines.

"Now you're going down on yourself like I am on myself." Yuuki kissed the corner of his jaw. Making sure he was there. For real. It all seemed a dream. A very bad dream. Except for him. It became a apprehensive dream when Kyoya got home and then somehow turned into real sleep. Unknowing sleep. Safe sleep.

"I chastise myself. You punish yourself."

"I don't see how it's not the same thing."
"Allowing for different perspectives."
"Are you calling me narrow minded?"
"You? Narrow minded? No. Blatantly single minded, yes."
Yuuki scowled at him. "This isn't time for your analysis on life."

Kyoya stopped his wife from picking the stitching on the cover. It was coming undone. Which, was rather a feat considering how much it cost. "What do you need?"
The girl glanced at him and then looked away. "Nothing." She had him and her, and that, essentially, was exactly what their child had been. The materials still remained. Everything was as it had been; only it hurt, like losing a parent. You could still love as you had, you just pained in a different way. It was a new experience, as such. It did not change your world, just altered the way you saw parts of it. "Kyoya?"
"Mmm?"
"Can you go change? You're sodden."

He laughed, lax to let her go. It was funny how she could make him laugh, especially when he shouldn't have felt like it. All he wanted to do at that moment was stop her hurting. His hurting didn't much matter when hers existed too. Kyoya didn't go change. Yuuki's hands were cold and they needed to be warm again.

-

I want to take the bullet, the one aimed straight for your heart,
I want to meet the wolves halfway, and let them tear me apart.
I want to lay on the tracks, feel hot steel screaming at me

Let me show you what I mean.
Yeah it's a different kind of love.
I want to climb barbed wire fences and warm our hands in blood.

And this is my gift, is asking you to fix my ruined hands.
And it's a gift that keeps on giving, and right now it's all I have to give

I want to write the perfect song, and play it just for you while you are tangled up in sleep.
I need you more than I'll ever know
Until I stop breathing my lungs will take you for granted.

(In years to come, Thrice)

-

Kyoya stood in the walk in robe, dressed in dry clothes, and tossed his wet ones through into the bathroom. It was early afternoon, Yuuki was still asleep. There was no doubting the exhaustion emotion can cause. It had powers beyond the physical that could not be measured.

The man looked out into their bedroom and watched her. She looked at peace. Like she'd accepted what had happened as something she had no control over. Kyoya sighed and leant his head on the doorframe. In six months, on the due date, it would hurt again. Maybe more. Like the anniversary of someone's passing; only it was supposed to be the beginning of someone living outside. Outside their world, but tightly tucked within it. When the bombs had gone off in London it was as if things had been shattered. But the pieces quickly found their place again and reformed, stronger. This time, nothing had shattered. It hadn't even broken. It just hurt. That was the hard truth of it. You didn't need to be broken to hurt.

Yuuki woke up and sat up. She rubbed her eye with the back of her hand, the way someone who's slept to much would. She made a small noise of greeting but was still half asleep.

Her husband crossed the room and sat on the bed, just beside her. He pushed the stray hairs off her face.

Yuuki caught his hand. "I'm not a baby." Her wording was probably wrong. "I can look after myself."
Kyoya watched her kiss his palm. "I want to do it."
"You want to do something for someone else?"
"You're not someone else." He slid his abducted hand free and put it on the other side of her hip from that which he was sitting and leant on it.

The girl ran a hand through her hair. "What's the time?"
"Around two."
"I need to get up."
"No. The best thing you can do right now is rest."
"I'm rested."
"Then rest some more. You need to give yourself time to heal."

"I'm fine."
Kyoya pressed his forehead against hers. "If I deem that you're not, then you're not."
"Just because you're a doctor doesn't mea..."
He spoke over her. "Trust your husband."
Yuuki hesitated a moment before pressing her lips to his. The man kissed her back, gently at first but gradually turning into an adoring need. Out of a habit that had developed over the last three months, Kyoya rested his hand on the skin of his wife's stomach. She looked him in the eye. "It's just me now." Yuuki glanced down at where his fingers were resting on her abdomen before bringing her gaze back to him. It was soft with a melancholy acceptance. "Just me."

Kyoya kissed her warmly. Just her. Like a hummingbird, small and fragile and yet adapted to survive without losing any of its beauty or weakness. He was tired of surviving. His job was amazing, but he was furious at it for taking him away and having him away when the greatest thing he had ever worked for slipped into a world he could not follow to. Not yet. So they created their own heaven, one where sorrow existed for a brief moment, reminding them of how beautiful everything else was. How, one bad thing does not mean everything is bad. It does not mean anything ends. They are just ripples of a greater circle, something they couldn't see yet and an end they knew nothing about. But it had a purpose, and if it was just to make them see the world; then it was good enough.

-

Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I'll take yours upon me and you can take mine
Come all you weary move through the earth
You've been spurned at fine restaurants and kicked out of church
Got a couple of loaves sit down at my feet
Lend me your ears and we'll break bread and eat
Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls
Come all you weary, you crippled you lame
I'll help you along you can lay down your canes
We've got a long way to go but we'll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further on further in
Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls
Rest for your souls
(Come all you weary, Thrice)

-

Upon the return of any host club member from any visit to any place away from home for any period of time longer than forty eight hours, an exuberant greeting is always in order. Always.

Tamaki spent half an hour outside the front of the Ootori house, searching for a spare key that did not exist. The twins fortunately knew how to unlock a door with a credit card and thus ruined the Suoh's saving account.

Knocking was not decent for this sort of greeting.

The club burst into the house, Hunny taking off the fastest. "Kyo-chan!" He roared into the lounge and into the Shadow King's shoulders, leaping the couch in less than a bound. "Welcome home!"

Kyoya stared at the wall, a severely annoyed slash pained expression on his face. He sighed. "Thank you. Goodbye." What he would do for a secret police force to be on hand at that moment.

Yuuki paused their movie. She wasn't interested in The Great Gatsby anyway. "Hello Hunny." She said lightly.

The little blonde smiled. The couple had been expecting the event and had gone downstairs to await the inevitable. "Yuu-chan! How are you?"
"I'm good." She peeled the man off her husband and set him on his feet. "Wher..."
"AH!" Tamaki appeared in the doorway, his arms spread out. "Kyoya! Welcome back from the greatest city on earth!"
"If it's so great, why don't you move there?" The Ootori accepted the embrace sardonically.

"Because my life is here! And my friends. And my family. And my now expectant-again wife!" The blonde picked Haruhi up and spun her around a few times.

Yuuki looked at her socked feet and then neatly plastered on a brave face. "Who wants tea?" Everyone did. "Okay. I'll...go..." Tamaki was fawning over the slight bloat in his wife's belly. "...go do that...then." Pause "Okay." She nodded ever so slightly, smiled pleasantly and slipped out of the room.

When she reached the kitchen, it was all she could do not to hurl something across the room. Why not her? They already had a child. Why not her? The woman leant over the sink and breathed as the kettle gurgled a strange tune near her. Outside she could see the silhouette of the stable. It was dark. Just after dinner time. Yuuki remembered that she had once said she would never ask for more, if only she could have a horse. He would be her baby. It had been the selfish dream of a selfless child. And it meant nothing in the long run. It just proved that sometimes dreams came true for a reason and sometimes for no reason at all. Right now, she was living in the twilight of a good dream and a nightmare. Kyoya was with her. He loved her. But their child no longer was. Doctors say that the embryo is just a 'bunch of cells', but to a mother, it never is. It has a face, and fingers, toes, nails, brain function, nerve systems; a heart. It is a miniature human being. It is a human being. It's just not legal yet. Yuuki felt her stomach twist, she felt sick.

The kettle chimed and stopped its funny song. The girl glanced at it and slowly began to take the tea cups out of the cupboard. The twins appeared in the room and stood on either side of the Ootori.

"Hello Yuuki." Twin one.

"Do you need any help?" Twin two.

Yuuki looked at them. "Since when do you two offer help?"
"We are hosts." They said in unison. "And as..."
"No." She stopped them. "This is my house, thus I am the host."
"Are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah...yes. I have a headache."
"Ah." Pause. "You sure?"
"Yes." If she hadn't before, she soon developed one. "Um. If you want to help, please carry that out." She motioned the tray with the tea set on it. "I'll be out in a minute with the pot, milk and sugar." Yuuki put a hand on her forehead and sighed. She was suddenly very tired again.

"Ah. Stress." Twin one said, picking the tray up.

Twin two went for the fridge and pulled a carton of milk out. "It happens."

"Mmm." Came the weary reply.

"Especially when you're tryi..."
"Okay. Enough." Yuuki snapped. "Just take the tea though. Please." Pause. "Thank you."

"No sleep?" Twin two said with a roguish smile.
The girl stared at them, something in her expression made them back away slowly. Especially considering their previous experiences with not-so-happy Ootori's.

Even so, Yuuki heard them calling once they were back in the lounge. "Oi. Kyoya. You're wifey is unwell."

There was a muffled reply. When Kyoya appeared in the kitchen, his 'wifey' was indeed unwell. In the sink. He poured her a glass of water and offered it. "I'll get rid of them. Give them complimentary flower baskets if I have to. Go to bed."

"I'm alright. It's just...hormones." She exhaled. "Tamaki still trying to pull his brand new bundle of joy out of Haruhi's stomach?"
"With vigour."
"Oh joy."
"Yuuki. I'm telling you, not asking. Go to bed." He took her empty glass and put it in the now rinsed out sink. Dinner had made its exit.

"No. Kyoya. I..."
"Stop being so goddamned stubborn. Please, just once, do something without arguing?"
Yuuki rubbed her eye. "I can handl..."

"No. You can't. Yuuki, you're strong but you're not that strong." Kyoya caught her wrist and pulled her hand away from her face. "You know I don't ask, but, please. Just...do this. For both of us."

The girl nodded silently. "Okay. I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that. None of this is your fault."
"I know...but, surely you hurt to?"
Kyoya held her close for a moment. "Of course I do. Having Haruhi in the house isn't making things any better either."

"Why them? Why not us, Kyoya?"

"I don't know." If he said those three words, he really meant them. Just like the other three.

"I love you."
The man kissed his wife's head. "I love you too. Enough to chastise you when you're being obdurate."
"You're obdurate."
Silence. "Yeah."
"Yes." Yuuki corrected him.
"Whatever." Pause. "Where are the tablets the doctor gave you?"
"Some...place. I have no idea."

"As in, in the linen closet no idea? Or just, no idea?"
Yuuki rubbed her nose guiltily. "The former."
Kyoya pushed his glasses up. "Go take them. I'll tell the host club you're not well. Contagious with something I brought back on the plane."

"You did fly on a non-private flight."
"I did."
"Those darned air conditioners."

Her husband smiled, it quickly faded. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's not your fault." Yuuki replaced his smile with her own. Reassuring. If they both fell, then their whole world would to. It wasn't about him being the leader, but her being one too. Sharing the roles. Like geese when they fly in a V. "I mean...you didn't miscarry the baby." She'd accepted it. It had happened. It hurt. But it wasn't going to forever, not with Kyoya.

Haruhi took that moment to walk into the kitchen. Yuuki glanced up at her and then back at her husband before ducking her head and walking out the hall. It hurt enough to need to escape that situation.

The Suoh stared at the Ootori. Kyoya pushed his glasses up. "I'm going to have to ask that we do this 'welcome home' party some other time."

Haruhi stared at the now vacant passage way. The dull sound of a door being opened carried as Yuuki pulled the linen door open and the pressed it shut again. "I...she was..." The woman pointed towards where her friend had disappeared.

"She was." Kyoya said coldly. His old manner returning swiftly. Especially in cases of displeasure.

"You can get pregnant again?" Haruhi was horrified. If that had happened to her... "You..."
The Ootori sighed heavily and looked at the floor. "It was ectopic. No one had any idea until it ruptured. From a medical perspective, she's infertile." Even with two sides producing ova, a damaged fallopian tube damaged the chances of falling pregnant again greatly. The uterus would go into a 'state of shock' and the woman would often not attain a regular cycle for months after the pain, emotional and physical, had diminished. It had already taken almost a year the first time. Twelve months without conception legally deems a couple as infertile.

"Oh...Kyoya. I had no idea."
"Well, apparently no one did." He walked past the Suoh and back into the lounge room to dismiss his guests.

-

The flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you're free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I'm alone for our last goodbye
But you're free

I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless numb and sore
A part of you and me is torn
You're free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone
Oh I remember you like yesterday
Yesterday
And until I'm with you, I carry on

I'll carry on, I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can't believe you're gone

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
Oh so long my friend, so long

(Yesterdays, Switchfoot)

-

"Why, Kyo-chan?" Hunny had found the sugar and piled it high in his mug.

"Yuuki isn't well."
"Will she be okay?"
"Yes." She would be. He would be. Despite his never actually having had the relationship with the child that his wife had, it was still a part of him and it had died. Death was hard. Even when you were surrounded by life. Yuuki was his life, a little spark. It hadn't died in her eyes. It was still there, someone had just turned it onto mood lighting and turned it down a bit.

"It's that time of the month, isn't it?" Hikaru said.

For the first time in history, a man wished that it was. It would have meant she had healed enough inside. That the rupture had healed to allow for normality to begin. "No. It isn't."

Haruhi had already brought her husband to his feet and led him to the door. Her demeanour somewhat subdued by what she had overheard. "Come on boys, we can do this another time." She smiled.

"What? Why?" Tamaki looked at his best friend over his shoulder. "This is tradition!"

"Not tonight, Tamaki." Kyoya pinched the bridge of his nose.

Mori sensed something was wrong and picked Hunny up and placed his cousin on his shoulders. "Welcome home, Kyoya."

The Ootori nodded his thanks at the dark figure.

"Ohhh!" Hikaru piqued up, sauntering near Kyoya he stated his revelation. "It's the other 'that time of the month'." He nudged his friend bawdily.

There was a line you just shouldn't cross and he crossed it. Kyoya hit him. "I've had enough of you and your brother making lewd jokes." The twin stared up from the floor. "It was never any of your business." His tone wasn't angry, but it could have melted the sun.
"Yeah." Haruhi said, staring at the shocked Hikaru as he began to pick himself up off the floor. "Learn where the line is boys. I know you're men, but stop acting like children."

It was in that moment that the host club understood that Haruhi knew something they didn't. Kyoya knew she wouldn't tell them, not because she wanted to, but because she had to; out of respect. Even Kaoru seemed to understand even though he had been laughing all the way to impact.

Kyoya helped the other twin to his feet. "Go home. I appreciate the welcome, but now is not the time."

Hikaru stared, nodded and began to realise that which his friends already had. The Shadow King had more secrets than anyone had ever imagined. He had a personality that only one person knew about.

Kyoya had always been their leader, even to Tamaki. They depended on him. They always had. They looked to him for guidance. The time had come where he needed to rely on them to respect him and obey the orders they had trusted for so long.

The house was empty after a few minutes and a glance to Haruhi. She would keep her silence. Kyoya headed upstairs and found Yuuki sitting crossed legged on the covers, reading. She was wearing his black sweater again. "I congratulate you on doing what no man has done before, although, everyone wanted to." She smiled. "You hit Deedle Dee. I love you."

Her husband smiled back, honestly. She had a way of picking up a light strand in a dark situation. "He had a hard head." Her colour was a little better. The tablets were working.
"Full of rocks." Pause. "Actually, ouch."

"I'm fine."
"Hypocrite." She beckoned him over. "Let me see."

Kyoya sat beside her and handed his hand over as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "As much as I hate that I love them, I do. Their like..."
"Children." Yuuki picked up. Her husband was going to get a bruise.

"Hm."
The girl put her fingers under his chin and turned his head to look at her. "Kyoya, don't be unhappy."

The man looked his wife in the eye. "We're in mourning."

"I've come to realise that mourning isn't just sadness." She was there for him as he had been for her earlier. "Our little girl is in heaven. And we'll get to see her. One day. And she'll have you're pretty eyes and..."
"You're cheekbones." He finished over her.

Yuuki kissed his knuckles. "I still feel ashamed about failing like I have, but, we can't be sad forever? I still have you...I can't spontaneously abort you, can I?" It was a very melancholy statement. "Its stressful. It is. But we've got through before. I remember the explosion in London and wondering how we would ever be the same. If we would ever love the same. But we did. And we adapted. And we loved better."

Kyoya took his glasses off and put them on the side table. "Yes."
"But you're the Shadow King."

"Yes." He had responsibilities. One of those was husband, and he just hadn't been able to fulfil the role when he was needed. He didn't want to see something he helped build get destroyed, but he wanted to be there to make sure the vessel was alright. She was always alright. It was just her. Yuuki was like water, she remained the same; always gentle always smooth, but with the power to force a new path if trapped.

Yuuki closed her book. "Smile."
Kyoya stared.
"I wasn't asking." She put her fingers on the corners of her mouth and lifted. "There. Better."

The Ootori caught his wife's hands and kissed them both. "You are absolutely..." He couldn't work her out. He still couldn't work her out. He would never work her out. That's what had drawn him to her in the beginning, and it's what kept her special. "Remarkable."
Yuuki kissed him. "No, just...surviving."

Kyoya pulled her into him and kissed her deeply. That's what they did in trouble. They survived. It was always easier to do so with a partner. A team mate. He pulled away and drew a line down the side of his wife's face. "Go to sleep." It also involved respecting the boundaries, even when there were none set. Yuuki needed to rest and she needed to heal, even when she was trying to heal him.

Yuuki pressed her forehead to his briefly before agreeing to his idea. They'd been there for each other earlier that afternoon, giving. Just loving when love had been lost. Refilling a hole only they fit into. Now, both of them needed the other, but just being there would do. As it had done years before.

Sometimes, all one needed to do was cry in the arms of someone they loved. Sometimes even leaders needed to crumble onto safe ground in order to rebuild stronger than before. And both they did.

-

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain't never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it
I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em

I'm supposed to set an example, But there's just a certain line you don't cross and he crossed it

It's a different ball game, callin' names and you ain't just rappin'

All talkin' about something that I knew nothing about

But we still have soldiers that's on the front line
That's willing to die for us as soon as we give the orders
Never to extort us, strictly to show they support us
Their loyalty to us is worth more than any award is

The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"

But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her

And there's hurtin because of somethin' we did
Why would I wanna destroy something I help build?

I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh

I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry

Cuz you're scared, I ain't there?

We're all we got in this world

When it spins, when it swirls

When it whirls, when it twirls

Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream

But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is

But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep

And if you ask me too

I'mma give you the world

I'll do anything for you to see you smile

(Various, Eminem)
-

"Yes."
"No."
"Yes"
"No."
"Yuuki."
"No."

It was one week later and Yuuki had just been offered another job with Chanel, only this time for a new fragrance. The last few offers, she'd refused. This time was no different. Kyoya wanted her to do it, she most defiantly did not.

"Yuuki. You need to move on."
"So do you. You can't just shove me at a commercial. I'm not a model, I'm a psychologist."

"You're an Ootori." He leant on the wall causally.

"Do we want privacy?" She didn't let him answer. "Yes. What would being on TV do? Wow. Get rid of privacy. Surprise." To show she wasn't being harsh, the girl hid behind her coffee mug and watched her husband over the rim.

"Why don't you want to do it?"
"For reasons already stated." Yuuki sat on a kitchen stool.
"You say that about every offer."
"How many offers do you receive a day." Thoughtful pause. "Don't answer that."

"I know how to pick an offer, Yuuki. This one is good."
"No. No it's not."
"It rather is. The publicity is good."
"Why don't you climb into a little black dress and heels that give you vertigo then?"

Kyoya laughed silently at the way she said it. "It will get your confidence back up."
"That's what this is about? Not publicity? You need to start telling me these things first."

"Why? Did it change your opinion?"
"No." Pause. "My confidence is fine."
"On a horse and with me."

"Well...it has reason not to be."
Kyoya leant on the countertop and looked his wife in the eye. "Yuuki."
She leant away and suddenly felt an instinctive urge to protect her coffee. "What...?"
"I have to go to work..."
Yuuki cut him off. "Yes. Totally. Because you don't have any money."
"That's not why people work."
"Last I checked..."
"Yuuki."
"Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Please, continue."
"I have to go to work and we both know that if you go to the youth home, it's going to hurt you. There are other's there who can fill in for you. Now, if you do this commercial, not only will it get you're self esteem up, it will promote the Ootori group and show that you can still be stylish in marriage."
"Kyoya..."
"Don't whine."
"Kyoya..."
"What's the problem with it?"
Pause. "I..." Yuuki's little stronghold of obstinate finally fell. "After what happened..." She didn't feel worth enough to do the commercial. Which is why her husband was pushing it. She was still ashamed, the physical pain had gone but the emotional had taken its place with a dull ache. It could have been a lot worse, but she'd married Kyoya and he was the only one who understood her enough to help her heal without getting demanding, pushy or overprotective.

"I can turn this into a business meeting." Came his familiar voice from behind her. He'd moved and wrapped his arms around her.

"No."

Kyoya kissed her temple.

"That's not very businesslike of you. Do you kiss you're subordinates?"

"You're not a subordinate."
"No. I'm you're equal. So don't forget it."

"Even if you weren't, you'd be pushy enough to make it so."

There was a long pause. "I don't know...if I can. I know I have to move on, but I don't want to leave anything behind."
"Like?"
"Sayuri."
Kyoya kissed her temple again. "I don't think you could leave her behind. Not unless you left me."
"I won't leave you."

"And you can't leave yourself. Thus, she can never be dropped on the wayside."

"I still feel dishonoured."
"I still hold to the fact that you couldn't have done anything. To be dishonoured would imply that you consciously make the decision. And you didn't."

"No...but..."

"No buts."
"Yeah...no...ho..."
"Yes."
"Whatever." Yuuki smiled. "You're so..." Annoying? Stubborn? Calculating? Hard to decipher? "Good for me."

"I know." Kyoya said smugly before twisting the top of the stool so that she was facing him. "I promise not to hit anyone again, if you promise to do this." In other words, I promise to move forward with you. But only if you help me too. He would never ask for help, but Yuuki knew when it was needed.

Yuuki stared at him complacently. "It still hurts, Kyoya."
"I know." If the world did nothing because it was going through pain, it would forever be doing nothing. But it knew when to stop dwelling on the hurt and when to get up and press on to get away from it.

"Of course you know. You're an Ootori."
"So are you."
"Woah. Yeah."
"Yes."
"Shut up." She kissed him. Every touch and every word up till that point had been to heal. Every touch and every word from that point on would be to stand up after grief and move on. To encourage and strengthen. They had become weak and needed the strength.

Kyoya kissed her back. Still fragile. In need of bubble wrap. He encircled his arms around his wife. As long as he kept needing her, she would keep needing him. They could survive on their own; they just chose to travel as a team.

-

Yuuki walked into the studio and flinched. The last time she'd done a shoot for Kyoya, he'd ended up in a car wreck. This time, he would end up a wreck. But not because of a break failure.

"YUUKI!" An exuberant director embraced her, harder than Tamaki, but with just as much spontaneity. "Darling. You look well. Long time no see."
"Hello." She couldn't remember his name. She'd met so many people. All of whom didn't have names.

"So." He guided her to a nearby chair and set her in it. A woman attacked her with a make-up sponge. "What have you been up to? You're not riding professionally much anymore."

"I work at a youth house."
"As in...for the mentally deranged, drug addicted, homeless youth?"

Yuuki paused. "Um...yes. I guess so."
"Brave woman."

"It's good to help those who can't help themselves." Truth was, no one could help themselves. The only way one could, was by getting help from another source.

"Is that the one with the abortion clinic? The one in the news?"
Yuuki looked at the man. "No." She said flatly. "It's not."

"Oh. Well. That doesn't matter. Anyway." He clapped. "Today." The man launched into a detailed explanation of what the girl had to do, mentioned how much she was getting paid, told her what she was wearing and then explained the general mood. "You're a broken soul, but you find healing in this." He whisked out a bottle of perfume. "Repentance."

"Ah. Repentance." Yuuki was sorry for what had happened, but she didn't know if it wouldn't happen again. If at all. She was scared. Scared of getting pregnant again, she didn't know if she could do it. "I thought you numbered all you're fragrances."
The man laughed and then disappeared, calling for coffee. The Ootori decided then and there that she was going to kill Kyoya. She decided to call him.

"Ootori."

"I know."
"Hello."

"You're dead. Dead. As in D-E-A-D." The make-up artist smiled slightly. The director had that effect on a lot of the models. "As in...I'm not a model. I'm your wife."

"And you're beautiful."

"No. No. Don't c...ow." A hairdresser tugged a little too hard.

"It's good for you."

Pause.

"Yuuki, I can't see you scowling at me."

"Just picture it."
"Will do." Kyoya seemed a little distracted. "What's the problem?"

"The fragrance is called Repentance."

"Mmm..."
"Kyoya. Stop whatever you're doing."

"Sorry. What?"
"Yes. I thought so."

"No. I heard you. What's wrong with that name?"

"Well, besides the face I can't do it regarding the reasons you sent me here."
"Why are you repenting?"

"Because, I feel remorse."

"That's better than guilt."
"Kyoya..."
"Yuuki. We both need to understand that none of us has anything that needs forgiving. Except for my not being there."
"That's not your fault."
"I'm still sorry."
"Why can't you see that sort of thing from my perspective? I'm sorry."

"Because it happened? Or because it happened to you?"

"Both."
"Well, the latter doesn't apply. You didn't know."

"Kyoya. No. I don't want to do this. It's only been a week. It still hurts too much."

"The world isn't going to wait for your sorrows."

"You know how to do this. You spent your whole life fighting things and moving through stress."

"You think I'm not still in mourning too?"

"I know."

"But I've got you. It's enough. I might be the sort of person that always wants more, but you always give me more. Even when we lost a lot."

"Okay."

"Let me be the same for you."

"You have a 'y' chromosome."

"And yet you're the one who questions everything."

"That's not funny." Pause. "You're a guy. You see things differently. It's just fact. I can explain it to you in intimate detail, but I'm not going to because you drafted that report." She saw things differently to him. Men and women handled things differently even if they felt the same. Her way of doing it helped him, his way of doing it helped her; but it was not their way. He listened, she analysed.

"Alright. How about tonight I make it up to you?"
"As in...you want me to stay?"

"Yes."

"I don't want to go out."

"Neither do I."

Pause. "You're such a guy."
"Well. It would explain many things."

"I still want to cry a bit."

"You still need to cry a bit."

"Yeah..."

"Ye..."

Yuuki quickly spoke over his correction. "Whatever."

I'll see you when I get home."

"Okay."

"I love you, Yuuki."

"You don't always need to be so brave."
"But I'm not."

"Okay. I'll keep my brave face on for a few more hours."
"Okay. See you soon."
"Yep."
"Yes."

"I don't care." She sang and hung up.

Kyoya leant back in his chair and laughed monosyllabically to himself. He would never get bored with her. He would never fall down either. She might feel like the weakest link in the relationship, but she wasn't. She just gave him the ability to get through. Just as he gave her the opportunity to talk when she had always found it so hard to open up. That's what it was about, making up for the short comings of the other.

"Sir?" The phone on his desk was brought to life. "The Health Minister is on Line One."

Kyoya pressed the intercom. "Thank you; put him through."

"Yes, sir."
The Ootori picked up the phone and became his father's son for the rest of the afternoon. Yuuki picked up a pair of black shoes and became her husband's wife for a few hours. Life went on. If you stood and pretended it wouldn't for long enough, eventually you'd get left behind. It was okay to hit the pause button in private, but rotation needed to keep happening otherwise the pit of sorrow would forever deepen and be harder to get out of. They had learnt that. They had learnt to dig out. It worked better when they did it together, it happened faster. They healed quicker and made sure it meant something. Everything happened for a reason.

-

Late that night, the song Put your Hands up for Detroit blasted from the sideboard followed by a sashaying of techno music. A mobile vibrated happily.

Yuuki groaned and pressed her face into Kyoya's neck. He was still asleep. Amazingly. She'd picked that ringtone because it would bug him too. The girl let it ring off and then began to settle again.

Canon in D vibrated from the other side of the bed. This time the man woke up and growled.

His wife reached across and looked at caller ID. Out of annoyance, she threw the mobile across the room. Kyoya grabbed her hand before she could.

"I need that phone."

Yuuki hung up on the number. "I need sleep." She settled the phone back in its place just as hers went off again.

Kyoya grabbed it. "What?" He snapped down the line. "No. This isn't Yuuki. No Tamaki, it's the Pope. No. No. I was being sarcastic."

The girl pried the device from angry fingers and held it to her ear. "Tamaki, what?"
"Wow. Kyoya. You sound different all of a sudden."

"This is Yuuki."
"Oh. That makes sense!"

"Surprise." She said stoically.

Kyoya collapsed onto his back beside her and hissed in protest.

"What do you want Tamaki?"
"I'm at the supermarket...."

Yuuki looked at the time on her mobile before putting it back to her ear. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes. Did you break your watch?"
"No...I...never mind." Pause. "Why did you ring so incessantly?"

"Haruhi has cravings."
"Oh...cravings..."

"Yes. And I don't know what to get. She said...chocolate and coffee...but like...together. The commoners have a word for it, but I forgot."

"You called...just to get an opinion on groceries?"

Kyoya growled again.

"Yes. Help me!"

"Well...oh my gosh, Tamaki." Yuuki ran a hand through her hair. He was talking to her about a pregnant woman. When she couldn't be.

"What?"

"Just buy her mocha or something. I don't freaking care right now." She hung up on him. His wife's cravings were none of her business. She didn't even want to know. Especially considering the fact she would probably never have cravings. Her phone went off again. "WHAT?"

"I think there's a bad signal here."

"Really."
Yuuki hung up again and turned her phone off and ran a hand through her hair. "I hate your friends."

Kyoya groaned as his phone went off again. He threw it across the room. He didn't care how much he needed it. The thud and shatter were very satisfying noises. "Don't call them my friends."

"Companions."
"Annoyances."
"That works." She was awake now. "Tired?"
"No." Came the thickly sarcastic reply.

Yuuki laughed. "You're such a grouch."

"Hnnnnn"

The girl smiled as her husband rolled over onto his stomach and pulled the covers with him. Yuuki pulled them back and lay down. There was a long silence as she stared at the roof. "Kyoya?"
"Mmmmmmmmm..."

"If I ever get cravings, will you go to the store in the middle of the night?"

The man rolled over and dragged himself painfully out of sleep. "Is that why he was shopping?"

"Yes."
"You're more articulate when you're sleepy."

"I'm not sleepy."

Pause. "Of course I'd go."

Yuuki laughed monosyllabically. "And die in a car accident because you'd only wake up somewhere along the way."

Kyoya stared at the ceiling, smiling smugly. "It's quite the possibility."

"I won't...ever get cravings...will I?"

"Not yet." They weren't going to try again. It would take months before Yuuki had healed enough inside to go back to a normal cycle. Even then, she might never be able to conceive.

"No. Obviously. But..." There was a lingering silence. She knew, she just didn't want to admit it yet. It would be like a double whammy. To lose a child and then the ability to naturally have one.

Kyoya pulled her close. The act meant more than anything he could have said. Yuuki kissed the corner of his mouth tenderly. It spoke a silent thanks. The man turned slightly and caught her mouth properly. He traced the line of her neck. His wife didn't waver. They needed each other, not necessarily in a physical way; but sometimes that was a way to display emotion, to provide when words were too raw. It was a way to feel hurt and experience joy at the same time. To be overwhelmed by something indescribable. To display your support. Sometimes it was necessary to use words. Sometime it was necessary to just love and be loved in return. Life overlapped, there were no distinct boundaries. Thus, hurt and love overlapped. To love another person is to see the face of God; if it had worked for Les Miserables, the miserable ones, then it would work for them too.

-

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I can never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
Try as they may, they can never defy
What's been said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face let me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all

Oh, the smile on your face let's I know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all
(You say it best when you say nothing at all, Ronan Keating)

-

Zero was fast. Exceptionally so. Yuuki loved to ride him without restraint. Especially when she had to let go of something and didn't know how to. There was something about the way the wind made her hair sting her neck when it flailed in the current and the way her legs burned from the effort of staying out of the saddle for so long. Of course, one could sit a gallop, but if you rise and can keep balance and equilibrium with the horse's movement, then it's just like having the earth spin beneath you while you perch above a statue. Zero liked it to. But he was full of himself. So of course he did.

Kyoya stood in the kitchen and watched his wife race across the flat at the bottom of the garden. It made the perfect fitness track, she had told him, it was long and flat and the ground was almost always soft. Which he thought was a good thing as it was only a matter of time before she came off.

Tachi hated her riding as she was that morning. Said it ruined her discipline. But Yuuki had lived a disciplined life. Early wake up. Strict diet. Strict exercise. Strict schedule. Heavy falls. No sympathy for bruises, some for broken bones, full compassion only in the case of a serious drop out of the saddle. She had had a small, almost non-existent social life. But she had loved it. To some extent. Riding was her escape. And Yuuki needed an escape. There was only so much he could do. Of course, you needed help to help yourself; but you also needed yourself.

Kyoya did that with his work. He was one of few men who considered work an enjoyment. He was good at it and it worked with the way his mind did. Just like his wife though, he had been raised to be that way. They had been raised and socialised to love what they now did. The only thing that wasn't like that, was the other. In fact, they were socialised to love the opposite. Yuuki was supposed to marry someone in the equestrian or business agriculture circles. Kyoya was supposed to marry someone who did something more ladylike than wrap her legs around half a tonne of horse flesh and throw herself over six foot of jump. But it worked. It wasn't an opposites attract thing, just an attraction. The Ootori remembered when he first saw the girl. She was hiding in a tack-room, refusing to let him borrow her horse. He must have been to her, the man who was trying to take her horse and let it get ridden by a bimbo ogling Tamaki. But those were their worlds. There were no others. Until she fell off. Then they were thrown together, just for an instant. Of which, she had concussion for most of. But after that, they became almost inseparable. To the other they were a mystery. Always had been, always would be. Then it just happened. Like industry magnets, nothing could pull them apart. Nothing except the other, and even then, the draw to the other was so strong that it was painful to endure the fight to stay apart.

Yuuki was unconventional. Kyoya was conventional. But neither were extreme versions of so. She was right wing, he was left, but only just off centre. You can be different to make a relationship; you just can't be someone else. If you're someone else, then you're no one. It's a hard truth. The only person in the entire world that is available for you to be, is you. Kyoya had spent a long time fighting that ideology. A long time. He was his father's son. The third son. Holding back to allow his brother to become heir. But then he just did what he did best, and became the first son. Yuuki had fought the trend. She wanted to be her mother. But she also wanted to study and be really good at something other than riding. Her hobby should never have been her occupation. But it is. It was. And probably always would be. She was good. Exceptional. But she was good at many other things too, she just never saw it.

And then, they got pregnant. They got pregnant. They created life. They created an extension of themselves. They created a complete version of everything they were together, and they loved it. They loved it before it was born. They loved it even after it had died. It hurt. But friendship is the best balm for pain. He was her balm and she his. Another word for spouse, should be best friend. They do everything a friend does, only with a different sort of love and a deeper intimacy.

Yuuki rode Zero right up to the porch where her husband was standing. "Want a go?"

"No." He said flatly.

"It's fun." She said, slightly out of breath. "And he's not so...uncontrollable now."
"Why would I ride something that's out of control?"
"Oh. No one can tell. Just hang on and let him flatten his energy supply."

"I'll keep that in mind next time I see you flying around the garden."

"Get up."
"No."

"Get up."
"No."
"You can sit behind me. It's an all purpose saddle. If it was a stock, I wouldn't be asking." She'd set him up.

"Yuuki. I'm not riding."
"You can ride. I know. I asked Tamaki." Yuuki was obviously less wound up. It was early afternoon. She was staring at him, the sun on her hair, her eyes pleading. "Please? You'll love it."
"I don't like riding."
"You like me though. Get up."
"I'm not wearing shoes."

"Geez. Men these days. You wonder if they have testosterone at all." Pause. "You won't be the one using the stirrups." "What will I be doing?"
"You can hold the reins."
"You steer with your feet."
Yuuki smiled. She'd be in control. "Get on."

Kyoya pushed his glasses up and sighed. There was only one person in the world who could make him do something like that which he was about to. He sat behind his wife and she gave him the reins before turning Zero with her legs. He wasn't happy about the extra weight but wasn't complaining. He loved being ridden.

"See?" The girl petted his neck. "He's not so awful."
"What?" Kyoya thought she was talking to him.

Yuuki turned. "Not you. You have a hater."
"A hater?"
"Zero hates you."
He scowled. Then why was he on him?

"Comfortable?"
"No."
"Don't lift your hands. You'll take me out. Just keep them there."

Now that, he didn't mind. She was pressed against him, trapped by his arms.

"Okay." Yuuki walked them to the flat. "See? Spontaneity is great."

"Amazing." Came the sardonic reply. "You seem happier."
"I am. My two loves."
"I compete with a horse?"
Pause. "Yes."
"Oh. Good."

"One hour on horseback is better than a year in psychology."
"Don't say that too loud. You'll be out of business."
Yuuki turned her shoulders and kissed her husband gently. "Relax." She urged her horse on. Straight from walk to canter to avoid the discomfort of two people at a trot on the same horse. "You okay?"
"Dandy."
"You know, in an ideal world, men would ride side-saddle. Think about that."

"No. That makes a lot of sense." Kyoya could picture his wife smiling as she kicked to a full gallop.

"Relax." She said, gripping her horse's mane. "You won't fall off." She wouldn't let him. Ever.

He believed her. Zero snorted beneath them and flicked his ears forward. The horse knew what a joy ride was.

"What's he doing?" Kyoya asked over the wind. Zero was pulling on the bit, arching his neck and driving forward with his head.

"Enjoying himself." Yuuki pressed her back into her husband, helping him move with the horse and not on top of it. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

The man paused. His wife was happy. She was in his arms. "Yes."

"Was that that new thing called sarcasm?"
"No." How she got more than a sentence out when riding was a marvel. There was so much to think about. Like...balance for example. This was not Kyoya's environment, but he liked seeing Yuuki alright. He liked that she was still with him and still her. Despite the dull ache that surrounded them. It was like a fog, just after a storm. It cleared, but was never totally understood. She would always blame herself. He would always feel awful for being away. But they would both be happy because the other was still with them. Just as they should be.

Yuuki turned Zero up towards the yard and stable and slowed him to a walk. "You can let go now. I've got it." Kyoya let the reins fall and rested his hands against her stomach. Just her. No one else. He felt her fingers wrap around his wrist. She used her other hand to brush the hair off her face. "Thank you." The words were quiet, sweet.

The man kissed her neck. "No. Thank you."

"You want to help me unsaddle him?"
Pause. No. "I can hire someone to do that for you."
Yuuki laughed. "It helps you build a relationship. You spend hours in the stable talking to your mount."
An hour later, the pair were walking back to the house together. Tamaki and Co. were coming over for the postponed 'welcome back' after party. They just didn't know what they were welcoming back. Yuuki and Kyoya knew. They were welcoming their world back into the real world. The final stage of its healing. The ability to see another pregnant woman and not want to tell her to leave, to not feel remorse, to not ask why. They were being welcomed back into the world.

They were not ready to have a child again. But nothing said they couldn't want one anymore. Maybe one day. Maybe.

-

Breathe easy
Breathe easy

Take another breath
Take a little time
And you'll find
I'm fighting for you
Take another breath
Take a little time
And you'll decide
I'm fighting for you

Taken by the sounds
Of your world's doubt
You turn off
And try to play life out
And I don't want you
To feel alone again
But you'll find yourself
Watching me fighting for you

(Fighting for you, Detour 180)

-

-----

So, post time is down. I'm sorry. Every day is too much when I have work to do. I hope that's alright.

Please, review. I'd really appreciate it.

Blessings,

-pp