A/N: Well, the last chapter was mushy and definitely off character from the HG Katniss we know, but not impossible if she had embraced her feelings sooner in the story line. This chapter will attempt to get us to "the quell", where I think the original story line could play out more or less. I Plan to introduce a few twists and turns to keep this from becoming a happily ever after…at least not yet.
Back Home
We woke up from an unusually peaceful sleep, and tried to prepare for the day. No more victory tour, but endless publicity as we will arrive back in our district today.
"Good morning," he said as he stretched his arms toward the ceiling. I smiled. I am still not great with pillow talk, so I just smile.
Peeta leaves my room to get ready for our arrival in 12. I am left with my thoughts. They started last night as I watched him sleep.
What will life look like back home? I am engaged to Peeta, yet I still feel like a child in some ways. I was mortified at the thought of facing my mother. Would she be excited, or would there be an air of your too young?
Then I thought about him. I haven't really given Gale much thought since I left for the victory tour. We had that awkward conversation in the woods a couple days before I left, and I had walked away with a deep confusion, but a hope for a friendship.
The confusion, at least in my mind, was not about who I loved, or who I wanted but more about who Peeta was to me. I had resolved in my mind that Gale would always be a friend, but nothing more.
Sure there are times when I thought about Gale and I in that regard, usually just fleeting moments of wonder, but everyone does that. It was never serious. Besides, I am committed to Peeta. I made that plainly clear in front of the world when I accepted his proposal.
Effie announces that we are about an hour away, so we relax around the table in the dining car, without much conversation. While Peeta and I have both conceded that our effort to calm the storm wasn't a success, we haven't really talked about what that could mean.
Snow made it obvious that my family and the families of those that I cared about were in jeopardy if I failed, but what would that look like? Would I run? That was a thought that Gale and I had discussed several times – running away into the wilderness.
As the train gets cooler with each passing mile, the thought of surviving alone seems impossible in the harsh winter, never mind the thought of having to keep several families alive and well. But still not totally out of the picture.
I was looking forward to getting through whatever publicity stunts we had to do, and get some alone time with Haymitch. Though his drunkenness and total disdain for life irked me to the core of my soul, I have come to appreciate his grasp of the state of this world we live in.
I imagine how hard it must have been to face him in his games, because under all the hard-nosed, defiant exterior is a very cunning and intelligent man. He may have some sort of wisdom that can help me figure out my next move.
The thought of figuring out each move in my life depresses me a little. It was so much simpler when no one knew who I was and no one cared. I woke up, I hunted, I went to school, I hunted, I fed my family.
But that has never been the case. Someone has always known who I was. Someone has always cared. That someone is sitting by my side right now with a look of wonder and focus in his eyes.
I am still amazed at how my body has betrayed me in the last 6 months. I had developed a pretty solid exterior complete with a cold, indifferent shoulder, hard jaw line, and permanent scowl. But every time my thoughts included Peeta, my countenance softened, and warmth seeped throughout my body. Just for a moment, sometimes, I was a soft and caring person.
"What are you thinking about," I asked Peeta?
"Oh, nothing really. I am just wondering what the reaction is going to be to us," he said, somewhat, embarrassed. "It really hasn't been the best back home since we came back from the games. Sometimes I think my mother is actually disappointed that I returned," he said.
The look in his eyes becomes that of pain and sorrow. I am instantly hurt for him. My dislike of Peeta's mother was based on my personal encounter that day in the alley, but I had never really thought about her treatment of him that day being the norm.
"Peeta, don't say that, of course your family is happy that they still have you," I softly tell him and with that I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a soft kiss. "Even if they don't show it as much as I do," I tease.
"Katniss, I just want us to be able to continue what we found during this trip, our feelings for each other. I guess I am just a little worried that we'll lose it somewhere along the way when we are back home," he says.
"Peeta, my love for you wasn't built on this trip. It took a lot for me to see it and understand it, but my love for you has been in my heart for a long time. It might not always be easy to show it, but don't ever doubt it…I love you," I said
The hills of our district began to become prominent in the train windows and uneasiness creaps into my stomach. I wasn't really sure what the cause was, but it was definitely there. Here I was telling Peeta how things were going to be good back home, at least between us, and I was the one getting nervous.
As the train screeched to a halt, we took our places at the door. The cheers of our district were loud at the platform. We would have a short speech from the mayor welcoming us back, and then it would be off to the Harvest Festival meal.
The festival was normally subdued by the fact that the tributes were gone, and the reality of another reaping was less than 6 months away. Oh how I longed for a day when that wasn't the reality any more. Though I doubted it would ever happen, some small part of me hoped that maybe the unrest that Snow feared would one day be able to make a difference and, perhaps, generations down the road, kids could live a life free of constant fear.
After the festival activities, Peeta and I were invited, along with our entourage, to the mayor's house for a dinner in our honor.
While waiting for Peeta to get ready, I roamed around the second floor of the mayor's house and happened by his personal study. A loud beeping noise coming from a black screen on the television caught my attention.
The words UPDATE ON DISTRICT 8 peaked my curiosity, so I stepped inside. What I saw next made my heart stand still. People were all over the streets, throwing things, setting fires, screaming and fighting. Yes, they were fighting the peace keepers.
The reporter was saying something about how additional resources were being prepared to deal with the uprising that had gripped the district and how the nation would have to adjust to the lack of product coming from the district.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and quickly exited the office just in time to turn around and see Mayor Undersee coming around the corner. "Katniss, what are you doing? Looking for Madge," he said with a smile?
"Yes, I was going to show her my new dress before dinner," I quickly lied.
He motioned down the hallway toward her bedroom and I left without another word. As I was walking away, I head the beeping noise again and he disappeared in the office.
What I had witnessed on the tour and now the television report added to my anxiety. Not only had Snow not been convinced, but there was an actual uprising in a district. My family was certainly no longer safe.
Peeta walked with my mother, Prim and I back to Victor's Village following our dinner. Out of respect, or maybe fear, of my mother, Peeta and I kept our hands firmly by our own sides.
At the foot our front porch steps, Peeta bid us a good night, and my mother quickly took Prim's hand and said, "Come along now, we'll give you two a few minutes to say goodnight."
I was completely embarrassed and my eyes went straight to my shoes. While I was the bright-eyed, smiling bride-to-be for the national television audience in the Capitol, back home I was about as backward as one could be.
When I did look up, Peeta had the same sheepish look of embarrassment on his face as well. We were obviously both so new at this and that, combined with being home, had definitely left us in an awkward state of mind.
"So, what now," he asked? I just looked at him, a little confused by the question. "I mean, when will I see you again," he continued?
I had no idea. The tour had been so scripted and it was a given that we would be hopelessly glued to each other's side the whole time. So this was foreign territory.
I knew that I didn't want to go back to that uncomfortable period we had after we returned from the games. I need…no, I want Peeta firmly in my life. So that wasn't an option.
"Let's have lunch together tomorrow. Maybe we can invite Haymitch. Keep him sober, or at least somewhat sober, for another day," I replied. "Sounds good," he answered.
He stepped forward and took my face in his hands and then his lips were pressed to mine. Immediately, the warmth returned, and I no longer cared what anyone may have thought. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you," I answered and turned to walk up the steps.
It was small moments like tonight that may be able to keep me from going crazy with anxiety and fear. Peeta saved my life with a few loaves of bread many years ago and now he would save me on a daily basis with his steadfast love and presence. He was my rock.
After a very fitful night of sleep and nightmares, I awoke mentally and physically drained. This would be an adjustment – sleeping without Peeta's strong arms holding me and protecting me from the nightmares.
It was still dark outside, sunrise still at least an hour away. I pulled on a pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, and some kind of heavily lined winter jacket that Cinna had given me on the tour. It would be much better at protecting me against the elements. I quietly slipped downstairs and out the door.
I needed to be in the woods today. If nothing else, just to clear my mind a little and try and figure out the best way to keep my family safe.
Just six or seven months ago, I was doing this very same type of thinking, but it was about food. How would I keep my sister from starving to death? Saving their lives was my main focus. So this train of thought is natural, just a little different circumstances.
I quickly found my sheath of arrows and my bow and began making my way along a familiar path. I settled into a comfortable spot and surveyed the woods. I love it here. The soft sounds of nature, the feeling of burrowing down for the harsh winter months.
It amazes me how peaceful it can be in these old hills. Something caught my eye for just a second. I eased back into the covering of the brush beside me. Then I saw him.
It's Sunday. I had completely forgotten what day of the week it is. I have not seen Gale in so long, and here he is walking toward me. I am not sure if he saw me or not so I ease back into view.
The look in his eyes is hardened, not in an anger, but more so in a tired sense. Gale celebrated his 18th birthday in district 12 fashion and took his rightful place in the mines – slaving for the benefit of the privileged in the Capitol.
Seeing how they live first-hand, and their thought process for the entertainment, which is the surrounding districts, made our living conditions seem much harsher and more unfair then I had ever imagined growing up.
"Hey Catnip, he said" I took this as a sign of friendship that he would still use my nickname. Instantly I am overwhelmed with nostalgic feelings of how things used to be. I am also very afraid of being seen with him.
Not so much because I am an engaged woman now, but because I am afraid that anyone I am seen befriending will not fare well in the Capitol's punishment plan for me.
"Let's walk," I quickly say without any explanation. Gale follows me. I know exactly where I need to go. Where I think I will be out of reach of the Capitol's monitoring and any watchful eyes.
When we reach the lake, I point toward the old abandoned house. I brought a light snack to keep my hunger at bay until lunch, and Gale has already bagged game. My thought process is all over the place. I don't understand why, but it's just too much for me to process.
When I saw Gale, my heart ached a little, and when he used my nickname, it ached even more. While I thought I had dismissed him, or feelings for him, my mind and heart were telling me different.
"I didn't expect you here," he said, not looking at me, but staring out the window. "Why did you ask me to come here?"
Why had I asked him to follow me here? I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to find that normalcy that we once shared as hunting partners and friends.
Introducing love and affection into my life had complicated so many things. Suddenly I was just as uncomfortable with Gale as I had been the first time I met him.
"I just wanted to talk to you and see how you were doing. It feels like it has been so long since we had a conversation and the last time…" my voice trailed off at the ending.
"Yeah, last time I talked to you, you told me to have a nice life, or something like that," he said.
"That's not what I wanted you to get from that. I just needed to be honest about how I felt. I didn't really know exactly how you felt, but you kissed me and I just didn't want you to hold on to something that might not ever be there," I said.
What was I saying here? Might not ever be there? How could anything between us ever be there when I am engaged to Peeta?
Just thinking about Peeta made me all the more uncomfortable here. I guess being so far away from Gale and constantly by Peeta made it easy to not think about any feelings for Gale. But being here, alone with him, definitely had stirred up repressed emotion.
"Well I am fine. Is that what you want to hear? Will that help you sleep better at night? I work in the mines six days a week, hunt all day on Sunday and try to take care of my family," he said.
I know he is not happy and fine. I feel like it's all my fault. I don't know why I have a longing in my heart to keep Gale near me. If I make him this uncomfortable, shouldn't I just leave him to be? I can't do that.
"Gale…I missed you. I miss us. We used to be able to spend the entire day together without anything being awkward," I said. It was true. I had never given Gale a second thought when it came to anything romantic.
I am not sure who moved first, but in the next moment I was pressed against his chest in a tight embrace. I breathed in the scent of worn leather and closed my eyes.
"Katniss, I just can't let go of you," he began. "I need you in my life, and it just hurts so much to see you moving in another direction. It should be me," he said.
I know what he's talking about. A life with Peeta. As if the thought of his name spurred my mind back into the present, I broke the embrace and stepped back.
Confusion. There was really no other word to describe how I felt right now. Worried would be the next emotion. Hadn't I already resolved this? Yes, then why I am feeling such weird feelings right now? I thought.
"Gale, I just…" I started to speak, but he cut me off. "Don't say it. I already know that I am too late. I know you don't feel anything for me. So let's not pretend," he said.
He turned toward the door and paused. "Did you just bring me out here to see if I was doing alright, or is there something else?" he asked.
"I wanted to see how you were doing. I am scared for you," I blurted out. Gale's eyes softened a little and he asked, "Why are you scared for me?"
I spent the next half hour recounting the victory tour. I conveniently left out any mention of Peeta, but told him of the energy and unrest in the other districts and I even told him about Snow's threats to hurt those that I cared about.
"So that's why you are doing all this?" he said. Not entirely sure what he was talking about, I simply nodded my head. "I just want to keep everyone safe," I replied.
Gale smiled a little. What is that for I thought to myself. "Katnip, you are something else," he said and crossed the room, wrapping me in his arms once more.
"I have to get going," I said. I am totally confused now. More than I was when I first got here, and after the first hug if that's even possible.
"I'll see you later," he replied.
Outside, we made our way back to the path toward the town and parted ways near the tree where I hid my bow and arrows. I stayed within the wood line heading to a spot in the fence closer to the town. Gale headed off in the opposite direction.
I wasn't really sure what I had said to make Gale do an about-face in demeanor. But maybe he was warming up to the idea of still being a good friend. A partner…oh no!
It was like a light bulb suddenly turned on in my head. His question Is that why you are doing all of this?
Was he talking about the engagement? Did I just pull Gale back into a part of my life that isn't for him? Did something inside me want to keep him there?
When I see Peeta walking toward me with a concerned look on his face, it dawns on me that we had made plans to have lunch together with Haymitch.
It is well past lunch time, and from the look on Peeta's face he has an idea of where I may have been…or better yet, with whom I have been.
"Hey there, I was getting worried about you," he said a little tentatively.
There was no use covering, and I didn't want to lie to Peeta. "I went to the woods today and lost track of time." I said. Then I added, "I ran into Gale while I was there."
"Oh…how is he doing?" Peeta asked with a hint of hurt in his voice.
"He is alright I guess," I said. I know my short clipped responses are just driving the worry deeper into Peeta's mind.
"Did you already go see Haymitch?" I asked.
"Yeah, I took him some lunch. I went by your house when you didn't show up, and your mother said she had not seen you this morning. I was just heading into to town for a little bit," he said.
Hoping to ease his worry a little, I offered, "would you like some company?"
"Sure," was his reply, and we headed toward the town square.
A large group of people had formed around the square and an unfamiliar sound filled our ears. We walked in the direction of the commotion, but could not see what was happening.
Peeta took my hand and led me around the group to a place where he was able to climb up on a crate and peer over the gawkers. I was just about to follow him when he pushed me back down and pleaded with me to return to my house.
"What is it," I demanded. At the sound of my voice several of the onlookers, turned and backed away from me. I could now see what the spectacle was. It was Gale…being whipped by a peace keeper I had not seen before.
Instinct took over and I rushed to his side. His body lay limp in the dirt held up only by his hands which were tied to a post. Above him was a dead turkey. He must have shot it after we separated.
All of this happened so quickly that I didn't account for the fact that a whipping was still taking place and in that moment, the leather of the whip split my cheek open. I must have dove straight into the path when I reached Gale.
Searing pain gripped me and I toppled to the ground. I quickly realized that Peeta had also run into the battle and was struggling with the peace keeper, demanding he not lay another hand on me.
An action that would surely get him punished, possibly killed had it not been for our mentor rescuing us again.
Haymitch brought to light that the guard had just struck the newest victor, and something about the fact that I had to be presentable for the Capitol and so on. I was too stunned by the blow to understand all he said, but it must have worked.
After a quick conversation with another peace keeper, the guard quit his punishment ritual and walked away from the square.
Peeta quickly used a knife to cut the ropes that bound Gale, and he along with a couple of Gale's mining partners, helped carry him toward the Victor Village.
I knew we were going to my house. My mother is the town healer and still treats all those who afflicted with disease or injury.
I am devastated at the thought that this punishment was so severe because of Gale's relationship with me. Was this new peace keeper strategically placed here by President Snow to ensure harsher conditions on all those I held dear to me?
When we got to the house, my mother sprang into action and quickly cleared the table for the men to put Gale down. She asked me how bad my face was and told me to get something cold on it to help with the swelling.
The next 30 minutes or so were a flurry of voices, and agonizing moans of pain from Gale. He had been beaten severely. At some point in all of this, I had become angry with my mother for seemingly withholding the best treatments and after a barrage of profanity and screaming, was dragged out of the room by Haymitch and Peeta.
They didn't let go of me until we reached my bed, and when Peeta tried to sit down and comfort me, I demanded he leave me alone.
I began to sob, and at some point passed out from exhaustion.
I open my eyes and realize that the early morning sun has started to pour through the blinds.
My face has a burning sensation and I remember with perfect clarity the events that unfolded last night. I am still in the clothes I wore yesterday as I opened the door.
In the hallway outside my room is a blanket and pillow. I dismiss them and make my way downstairs.
Gale is still laying on the table, asleep I think, but not moaning or fidgeting.
Haymitch is asleep in the recliner and Peeta…he is nowhere to be found.
I begin to remember how mean and hateful I was to him last night when he helped Haymitch put me in bed and I feel awful.
What a mess I made of yesterday. First running off and not telling anyone where I was going, the awkward encounter with Gale that set my heart and mind on a tangent of confusion, missing my lunch date with Peeta and then verbally forcing him out of my presence.
I hear Gale begin to moan a little bit and try to lift his head up. I walk over to him and begin to stroke his hair and whisper, "It's ok, I'm here. Just lay still and try to relax."
In my effort to try and help him calm down, I didn't hear the front door open or close. I glance back to toward the living room and see a pair of distant blue eyes watching me. I realize that I am still stroking Gale's hair and pull my hand back.
Peeta never says anything, but instead walks to the counter and sits down a basket of fresh bread. "I thought you all might be hungry this morning, so I made some extra cheese buns," he said.
"Thank you," I said quietly standing up, and I walked over to wear Peeta was standing.
"Peeta, I am sorry about…" I started to say, but he held his hand up. Then both hands were cupping my face, careful not to touch the reddened whelp, and then his lips were on my lips.
I melted. No matter what I may do, or how bad I may treat him, he never changes. I return the kiss with a heart-deep passion and wrap my arms around his neck. "I am sorry," is all I manage to say.
"You were upset and hurt. I understand," he replied.
"I should get going, and let you…do whatever it is that you need to do," he said.
But I don't want him to leave. I need to tell him about the mess that I made yesterday. I want to calm any fears he may have because of my absence yesterday.
During this time, Haymitch has woken up and glares at both of us. "We need to have a talk, the three of us…now," he says.
We make our way into the study. "I don't know what the hell has brought this new peach to our district, but it is an obvious attempt to tighten down the reins on all of us," Haymitch said.
"So what do we need to do? It is obviously our…my fault for not being convincing enough. Do we run away, fight, what?" I asked.
"We do exactly what we started out doing. We go along as planned. The wedding, the compliance, all of it," he said.
I start to reply and Haymitch gives me a look that says shut up, not in here, we'll talk more later. He knows that the house is probably bugged.
Haymitch leaves the room, but I stop Peeta and ask him to stay. I spend the next hour recounting yesterday's events. I don't leave out any details.
"What is going on Katniss?" Peeta asks with a blank look on his face. "Where are we going? I mean, I thought you and I…" he stops speaking and stares out the window.
I did it again. I keep doing this - letting my uncertainty and shaky confidence hurt people.
"Katniss, I told you that I can be patient and give you all the time you want to be ready for us, but I don't know that I can do that if you aren't sure who you want to be with, or if you want to be with anyone at all," he said.
I just sit in silence for a few minutes. Not sure what to say, and I am sure that my non-response is not helping out at all.
"Peeta, I don't doubt us. I was confused yesterday by how I felt about my relationship with Gale. I don't know why, I just feel bad for him. I have, in some way, ever since I knew he cared about me…deeper," I said.
"But I love you. I know that. I didn't accept your marriage proposal because I thought it would help us pull off the convincing plan. I accepted it because I know I want to be with you, now and forever," I said.
Tears begin to spill down my cheeks. "I know I haven't made life easier for you, or anyone for that matter. I keep making mistakes that hurt people," I said.
I stood up from my chair and crossed the room. Tentatively, I wrapped my arms around Peeta's waist as he continued to look out the window. When he didn't move, I start to think that I have pushed him too far.
"Katniss, I love you. I am sorry if I read too much into this, I am just so scared of losing you," Peeta said.
With those words he turned around and faced me. We kissed with a new found energy. I silently thanked him for never giving up on me and being there for me. His reply was simple, "I'll always be there for you."
Over the next couple days, Gale continues to improve and by the next Saturday, he is well enough to return home.
I walked with him down the lane to the entrance of Victor's Village and told him of how I didn't mean to confuse him, if I had, about my feelings for him. He admitted he thought I was telling him that the whole engagement had been a ruse, but that he had watched Peeta and I that first morning he was under my mother's care and realized that Peeta was my choice.
I felt a wave of relief knowing, or at least thinking that we could settle into a friendship without the awkwardness. It was for the best, as I was pretty resolved to not spend much time with him for fear of the Capitol being more brutal to those that I cared about.
The next month saw our district transform under the new head peace keeper. Daily punishment was a norm. Extended hours in harsh conditions in the mines were imposed on all shifts. The rewards due our district because of mine and Peeta's victory were late, or not delivered at all.
District 12 started to look more like District 11 with the oppressive rule. I didn't venture out into the woods as often until one early spring morning.
I wake up to a quiet house, which is unusual as the number of patients needing my mother's care has greatly increased. But on this morning, I have the urge to slip into the woods. It is during this trip that I meet two refugees from District 8.
They tell me a story of how their district revolted to the point that the Capitol, all but, destroyed their entire district with bombings and mass shootings. They were making a run for District 13. I laughed it off at the time, thinking the elements had made them delusional. But when they showed me the bread they had brought along with my mockingjay symbol baked into it, I began to realize just how damaging I had been to the fragile world Snow controlled.
While returning from my traipse in the woods, I encountered a long-forgotten danger of being outside the fence – getting caught outside the fence. The humming of the electrified fence almost didn't reach my ears in time.
I retreated to the woods to wait it out, but after an hour I realized that this was probably planned. How long had they waited for me to be out here and what type of punishment awaited me when they came to find me?
After a daring attempt to drop over the top of the fence from a nearby tree, I was hobbling, obviously injured back toward my home. I stumbled to the backdoor and nearly collapsed to the floor when I noticed the peace keeper uniform standing in my kitchen.
I quickly conjured up a story about why I was out and where I had been. Luckily I had decided to stop at the Apothecary to buy some supplies for my mother. The bandages proved to be solid proof that I was about the town and not out in the woods.
The peace keepers left with a look of disgust, and I fell to the floor in pain. My mother made a quick assessment of my injuries and ordered me to bed. After three painful steps, a pair of strong yet delicate arms wrap around me, easily picking me up.
I turned my head into his chest and Peeta carried me upstairs to my room. He turned away as I changed into a soft pair of pajama pants and when I was ready, leaned down for a goodnight kiss.
I flashed back to the train during the tour and immediately couldn't bear the thought of being without him tonight. When he stood to leave, I refused to let go of his hand and simply asked that he stay with me. His words will forever be on my mind and my heart…always.
The good thing about my injury is that I am forced to spend all my time cooped up in my house with Peeta. He keeps me filled with cheese buns and we share conversation, silliness, and tender kisses.
The three weeks of bed-rest also gave us a lot of time to grow closer together. It is much needed, as my confusion and distance put pressure on us. Though our life appeared to be steadily improving and no obvious attempts were made at hurting us or our families, it was never far from our minds.
I had managed to talk to Gale a few times as he would visit my mother for check-ups and dressing changes. We steered clear of any uncomfortable conversation, though he filled me in on the growing energy in the mines. More and more people were starting to get used to the idea of an uprising in our district.
Haymitch says it will never work here. At least not now. We are a small district and would need almost every able-bodied man and woman to come together and fight for even a remote chance. "We just don't have the numbers," said Haymitch.
I can tell Haymitch is worried, but I am not really sure why. He seems more on edge than usual, like he's waiting for something. He blames it on the lack of alcohol since the Capitol shut the Hob down.
Still, we continue on as planned. I was right to assume the Capitol would take over in the wedding department. While it was sweet for Peeta to offer a lengthy engagement, I feared that it would be out of our hands.
When Cinna phoned to tell me of an incoming shipment, I was excited. But when I opened the box and realized it was filled with wedding gowns, my face dropped a little.
I want to marry Peeta, but I want it to be on our terms, in our time. We are a private district without much fuss over the frills of typical weddings. The over-presence of the Capitol, combined with the obvious expedited time-table, have taken all the joy out of what should be the most wonderful day of our lives.
I also learn that I will be expected to participate in a photo shoot, modeling each dress for some sort of silly Capitol vote. Apparently President Snow has offered to let the Capitol decide which gown I will wear at the wedding which is to be thrown in the President's Mansion.
In an attempt to take my mind off of the wedding fiasco, Peeta strikes up conversation one afternoon. "Just think Kat, it will be spring and then summer soon. You can get outside and maybe we can find new ways to get you back into the woods," he said.
I know he is trying to lighten my mood. He can't seem to stand it when I am in a foul mood. Peeta is such a bright-eyed, warm personality and I try really hard most days to hide my worry and concern and just enjoy the radiance of his love for me and for life.
But his comments about the approaching seasons just stir up a new fear and dread – the next Hunger Games.
As a victor, I will be expected to mentor the female tribute each year. Not only will I have to relive my own experience each year, but I will have to endure the heartbreak of the most-likely death of the district's tributes.
Haymitch won during the 50th Hunger Games. It was nearly 25 years before our district had another winner. 25 years of watching kids die. 25 years of getting to know them personally, trying our best to keep them alive, only to watch them succumb to the cruelty of the Capitol.
No amount of radiance will lighten this mood. I excuse myself and go to my room. The tears have already started to flow before I even hit the bed.
The day my prep team arrived, I was rushed out of bed and into the flurry of preparations for the big photo shoot. Effie dictated the schedule, Cinna and the dream team removed the district layer from my body, and my mother somehow found small moments to slip me small portions of food and drink.
Peeta was off-limits today as it was considered back luck for the groom-to-be to see the bride-to-be before the wedding day. Bad luck. That made me laugh a little. If only they had any idea about how misfortunate my life was.
Still, I managed to smile the biggest smiles, and perform to the best of my ability.
The next day, Prim came home telling us about the required programming that would be airing tonight. "My teacher said it was going to be about the wedding gown photo shoot, she said"
When the appointed time came, we gathered around the television and Caesar appeared on the screen, blue hair beaming, raving about the beautiful gowns and how close the vote had been.
They showed several pictures of each dress, and alas announced which dress had won the competition. It was a long white lace dress covered in endless pearls. It was truly elegant, but seemed so out of place on my body.
I was just about to turn off the television, when the announcer asked the audience to stay tuned for a special message from President Snow.
My blood turned cold at the thought of having to see his face and hear his voice, but for some reason, I was fixated on the television screen and didn't move.
He walked to the podium and announced that it was time for the reading of the card. Of course, this year was the 75th annual Hunger Games. The 3rd Quarter Quell. Each quell was marked by some sort of special rules to raise the level of intensity.
The last quell was the year that Haymitch emerged as the victor. His games were highlighted by the rule change specifying that double the amount of tributes were reaped. I couldn't even picture in my head what it must have been like to face 47 others in the arena. 23 was bad enough.
Snow selected a card clearly marked with a 75 and began to read. "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors," he says. Then some sort of remark from the announcer and the screen goes black.
I continue to stare at it and eventually the sound of crying and moaning pierces my ears. I realize that it's me making those noises. I realize now that all the calmness and sense of normalcy has been instantly erased with the simple announcement that I am going back into another arena.
I can't believe what I just heard. Sure I was dreading the thought of having to mentor someone, but this is on a level all its own.
The front door swings open and I am instantly up and into his arms. Peeta has tears streaming down his face, but continues to tell me that he will protect me and that we will get through this. Radiant hope. It is never far from Peeta, even in the face of such devastating news.
My mother and Prim leave us alone in the living room and we just sit in each other's embrace. I am struck by how far we have come in less than a year. I am in love. I don't deny it, I actually had begun to embrace it.
Now, it is being ripped away from me. This is the reason I never wanted it to happen in the first place. I was scared of losing something that would be so ingrained in my heart and my nightmare was coming true.
While Peeta continued to tell me how he would protect me and would do everything necessary to ensure that I went on, that I came home, I was silently thinking of how it was his turn. In our last games Haymitch had obviously decided to throw all his support behind me.
I got the food, the medicine and anything else necessary to give me the edge to survive. Peeta had benefited because I was around to help him in the end, but Haymitch had chosen sides. I decided at that moment that I would convince Haymitch to help me save Peeta.
I have had so much trouble showing my love for this boy, but I would give the ultimate gift of life by sacrificing my own to prove to him that it was so much more than an act. It was truly my heart's desire to love him.
Over the next two months, we train like careers. All three of us as Haymitch is just as eligible for the reaping as Peeta is. We all know Peeta will volunteer if Haymitch is chosen, but Haymitch plays along.
Gale even puts his dislike for Peeta aside and helps us with our training. I am thankful for Gale's understanding of my feelings for Peeta. He has been such a good friend to me for so many years. I will miss that.
When the day of the reaping comes, I am chosen as the female tribute and Haymitch is chosen as the male tribute, although, Peeta never lets Effie finish reading his name as he quickly volunteers. We both climb the steps of the Justice Building and hand in hand walk to the designated family rooms.
Once back on the train and speeding toward the Capitol, I take a few minutes to slowly release each of my loved ones from my heart and mind. I am preparing to never see them again and I take a few minutes to think of them, love them, and let them go.
When I feel Peeta's arms around my waist, I melt into them. I am so sad that I will never be able to marry this man. I never thought of myself as a good candidate for someone's wife, but I wanted to learn how to be a good companion with Peeta.
Without thinking, I turn to Peeta and kiss him deeply on the lips and begin to tell him of the depth of my love.
"Peeta, I know that I have not been the easiest person to love. I wish that I had done more with the opportunities that we had together. I wish somehow I had given you the love that you deserved," I said.
"Katniss, I don't regret anything that has happened. Whatever caused us to come together like we did…it was perfect. You are a dream come true and I am thankful for having had the opportunity to love and be loved by you," he replied.
"But I don't want you to talk as if you are saying goodbye," he continued. "We aren't dead yet. We are together right now and we have a chance. You have to have hope and fight with all that is in you, never letting a chance slip by to take what you want," he said.
His last words hit me like a ton of bricks. He is right I thought. It was another moment of instant clarity and I looked into those strong blue eyes and asked him, "Peeta, marry me. Marry me right now, right here."
Shock and surprise, replaced quickly by a look of overflowing joy. In our district, we don't need the fancy wedding ceremony, dresses, parties or any of that stuff. We are a simple district with rich tradition. The toasting, which is our form of a wedding ceremony, is what symbolizes the commitment of the man and woman when they decide to get married.
Sure, most couples that can afford it go to the Justice Building and get a license that says they are officially married, but their anniversary is always celebrated on the day of the toasting.
"Peeta, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that today is a day that can't be taken from us," I plead. "I want to grab this opportunity to be your wife," I say using his very words as my reason for being this spontaneous.
We quickly bring Haymitch, Effie, Cinna, Portia and the style teams up to speed on our plans. Haymitch just grins at me with a look of approval. Effie seems to be thrown off guard, but relents to our request. Cinna wraps me in a warm embrace and leads me to my room to help me get ready.
I am nervous, but overjoyed at the thought of being able to give Peeta this little bit of happiness. The kitchen staff prepares a small loaf of bread and we light the fireplace in the sitting area. When I emerge from my room in a simple, soft orange dress, Peeta stops and stares.
Just like I did before we arrived in District 4 on the tour, I give a quick spin to show off the flowing garment and Peeta smiles approvingly.
We kneel by the fire and slice two pieces of the loaf. With long forks we slowly toast our individual pieces of bread and then turn to face each other.
"Peeta, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life as your wife, your friend, your soul mate. You have made each day of my life special in so many ways, and I am honored to faithfully pledge my life to you," I say.
"Katniss, you have made me the happiest man alive since you were just five years-old. I love you more everyday of our lives and can't believe that I am here with you right now celebrating a toasting and beginning our lives together as husband and wife. I will protect you from this day forward and will never stop loving you, standing by you, and honoring this commitment to you I make today," he said.
With those words, we each offer our slices of bread to each other. After the bread is finished, we kiss for the first time as man and wife. Peeta has a tear on his cheek and I am crying as well. This was nearly perfect. Of course I wish my mother, Prim and even Gale could have been here to witness this and celebrate with us, but we don't live in a world where happily ever-after is common.
After enjoying a dinner with our friends, we retire to my bedroom for the night. Walking down the hall I am excited and nervous. While I was quick to jump on board with the idea of being married, I hadn't really thought about the after-party. I am instantly nervous and consumed with anxiety.
But a part of me is excited at letting go of any limits and boundaries and enjoying, even if for just a moment, this spiritual act of love. Peeta, in his most gentlemanly manor, offers to refrain from the traditional wedding night activities. "I don't expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with Katniss. Being married to you is more than I ever hoped for," he said.
In that moment, I know that we will be quickly distracted with fear and worry as we prepare for the games. I know that this may be our only chance to enjoy a little bit of the dream – a life without fear of loss and pain. I answer his gesture with a smile and a deep kiss.
We find our way to the bed and through some disorganized process, disrobe each other. I expected to feel self-conscious, but somehow Peeta has managed to steal away all my fears and worry tonight.
We find ourselves entangled to the point that it is impossible to know where one begins and one ends. As if we were meant to be – like two pieces to the puzzle, we are together.
Sometime later that night, I am staring at a sleeping Peeta and I am filled with a love that I never knew. That love has me deeply committed to fulfilling my desire to protect him and see to it that his life continues. I am just glad that I have given him happy memories of us to hold onto.
Tomorrow the fear and worry will return. The preparation time will be short and most likely will dampen our energy and feelings. So I move closer to Peeta and bury my head in his chest and just breathe in the moment.
It took so many small steps throughout the past months to grow to this point, but looking back we have made enormous leaps in our passion and commitment to one another.
I smile as I look at Peeta one more time before drifting off to sleep. I know that our union won't be recognized in the Capitol, but tonight I drift off with the thought of how special I feel to be Katniss Mellark.
A/N: Alas we have arrived at the end. I started this story out with the hope of showing what I envisioned as a possibility if Katniss had given in to the feelings she had for Peeta – the ones deep down throughout all three HG books, sooner. Yes, we get the semi-happy ending at the end of MJ, but this story depicted what it may have looked like if MJ feelings were there post-first games together. So I hope I have accomplished that, even just a little bit. As mentioned before, I think this line of thinking and imagination would fit into the original storyline from this point forward, so that is the reason for ending my fic pre-quell.
This particular chapter had more actual storyline reference than I really wanted, but it was so hard to get through the plot line without sticking to the wonderful outline provided by SC. So I apologize for the long periods of paraphrasing the great works of the original books. Hopefully there were enough twists and differences in there to make it somewhat of a fun read. I also tried not to get too graphic with the marriage night scene as I think we can all use our imagination there and I just don't think it's appropriate to write about such things with such a wide range audience. I also adhere to my belief that a physical union belongs in the marital bed only, so that is the reason for the spur of the moment wedding ceremony. Call me traditional with values.
I am planning to do small one-shots of different parts of the "quell", and different parts of MJ. I am also thinking of a post MJ – pre Epilogue multi-chapter story.
I hope you enjoyed the read and welcome any comments and feedback!