Date Posted: 6th January 2011
Disclaimer:
Hocus Pocus don't loose focus, (they don't even use hocus pocus in HP. Not even abracadabra!)
Fairies swear Frond and Malfoys are blond, (Artemis Fowl is awesome and Tom Felton is hot!*googly fangirl eyes.)
Birds might sqwark but I like pork. (If you ask me, chicken has too much hormone pumped into it to taste good)
Luna's looney but so is Moony. (Luna Lovegood fan!)
Lady Gaga's as weird as Unohana's 'beard', (You gotta admit, both are very weird. Unohana's from Bleach, an anime, if you didn't know.)
Don't breathe the fume of a burning broom, (That'll be smoke and you'd get emphysema or something.)
This poem's as random as my Harry Potter fandom. (I was high on chocolate when I wrote this. =_=")
That's why I don't own HP cause I'm a 'retardee'. (Is that even a word? I dunno. Go ask a nerd. Ha! That rhymed too!XD!)
Either way, the whole point of that was:
I do NOT own Harry Potter or any of the songs featured.
I know that was weird, but I wrote it when I was high on chocolate and wasn't bothered to delete it later. Blame the Chocolate! You can review me about how stupid that was and tell me never to do it again if you like. Just as long as I get reviews. :P
I, James Harold Potter, have had a pretty shitty week. Scrap that. It was worse than shitty. It was fucking crap. Not only had Lily been avoiding me for unknown reasons since the Gryffindor Quidditch game but now she was trying to kill me at every chance too!
Lily had spent much of last night chasing after me. Chase? Not as in, "James-Potter-let-me-vow-my-undying-love-for-you-and-please-marry-me", kind of chase (not that I would mind) but the, "James-Potter-you-stop-right-there-so-I-can-hex-you-to-within-an-inch-of-death-comma-castrate-you-and-stuff-it-down-your-throat-forcefully-so-you-choke-and-die-exclamation-mark!, kinda chase. I didn't doubt she'd do it. She wouldn't hesitate, probably cackle madly in mirth the whole time too. Shiver. Honestly, women. I'll never understand them.
"Hey Potter! Nice going!" some random Hufflepuff kid that I'd never even met before congratulated me and patted me on the back before walking off to the Great Hall for breakfasts.
This had been going on a lot, and I haven't even been awake for 20 minutes yet! Since the moment I came down the stairs of the boys dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room to walking through the corridors to the Great Hall, guys have been congratulating me and acting extra chummy with me. Why? They seem to have it in their heads that I was the one who planned last nights prank!
"Potter! Catch!" I caught the package a passing Raven threw at me. It was an extra large box of sugar quills.
"This is so not fair!" complained Sirius. "It' was my master plan! How could they possibly confuse my amazing prank for yours? It had my signature written all over it!"
"Don't you find it shameful at all to title any prank of such a perverted nature a 'signature'"? asked Remus.
"No. Why the hell should I? It's a masterpiece! Now give me my well deserved sugar quills," he said as he snatched them off me. I let him. I'm not a fan of them anyways.
"I'd be more than willing to broadcast it to the whole school that it was your idea and not mine," I said.
"Really?" Padfoot said with stars in his eyes. Yes. He's that desperate to be recognised as a pervert school wide.
I couldn't help but sigh.
"Potter! Take this!"
I turned around, expecting yet another bag of candy to be thrown at me.
Instead, I get a girl kneeing me in the nuts. I crumble painfully to the ground as she stalked away.
"On second thought, you can keep the credit," said Padfoot, wincing at the painful attack. Who knew Monique Greengrass could kick so hard?
"Bloody bastard," cussed James at Sirius, still on the ground twitching from pain. How fickle is he?
"What is an awesome, intelligent, popular, handsome dude like me doing with a bloody bastard like you as a best-friend?" fumed James.
"And you guys think I'm a narcissist. I think you overrate yourself Prongs mate."
Were there to be ice cubes ontop of James' head right now - can't imagine why but hence the "were there to be" - they would melt, evaporate and transform into a very turbulent cyclone/hurricane/typhoon with Zeus like thunderbolts with more charge than Duracell Bunny, that would flash like you would imagine at Count Dracula's lair - not that you would get any cyclone/hurricane/typhoons in England but you never know, this is Hogwarts and everybody is blowing their top off about Global Warming.
Anyways...you get the main idea - James was pissed off at Sirius.
"Think of it this way," said Remus, trying to lighten the mood, "at least we haven't ran into Lily yet."
James shivered.
He was definitely scarred for life, both physically and mentally - Lily's wide range of nerdy (not in an ugly but in a very beautiful Lily like nerdy manner) hexes and curses could do that to you. Really. Don't get on Lily's bad side, and that includes leading her to think that you are the reason why she ran out of a shower room partially naked with leeches sucking on her before causing her to chase you all around the school subsequently broadcasting her partial nakedness to the whole school. Really. NOT a good idea.
And that's exactly what James did. Though, to be fair, it was entirely Sirius' fault.
"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! STOP RIGHT THERE SO I CAN HEX YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF DEATH, CASTRATE YOU AND STUFF IT DOWN YOUR THROAT FORCEFULLY SO YOU CHOKE AND DIE!"
"Would it be too cliché to say, 'whoops, spoke too soon'?" asked Remus.
"Would it stop Lily from hexing me to within an inch of death, castrating me and stuffing it down my throat to a very painful and not to mention distasteful death if you did?"
"I don't think so, but you'll never know until you try."
"I think I'd just prefer to bolt to the Great Hall where the teachers can stop her hopefully before the castration process begins."
"Cya mate, and if you do happen to become barren, you can always be the godfather to my children," comforted Padfoot, patting him on the back.
"Thanks mate, and as repayment, I'll make sure they won't end up as perverted and as stupid as you are."
Sirius frowned at this, "Honestly! Corrupting my future children! Depriving them of the beauty of the female body! Blasphemy!"
Remus shot him upside on the head, "What a warped definition of 'corrupting'! In any other context, I would've been so proud to hear him use a beautiful word such as blasphemy. Alas it is not to be...not to be...", said Remus, shaking his head sorrowfully.
James comforted him, patting him encouragingly on the back as Remus wiped a stray tear from his eyes and blew his nose.
A hex from Lily caused James and Remus to break apart, thus forcefully culminating this heartfelt scene.
"Potter! Oh, when I get my hands on you..." spat Lily still only halfway through the corridor. All the males were discreetly delaying her to try and save their hero (James).
"So long fellow Marauders. We've been through thick and thin, custard and slime pools, draws of ladies knickers and my parent's private home video collection - which I would like to remind you to remind me that we shall never do again by the way - and more mischief than any other teenager who has pranked the halls of Hogwarts has ever been through before. And with that, I bid you farewell!"
And, having said that, he bolted to the Great Hall with Lily, and her wand, hot on his heels.
"God, what's he doing at Hogwarts when he should have been enrolled in "Rosie's Random School for Overdramatic Weirdos"?" said Sirius.
"I know. That last speech sounded like something copied straight out of "The Legend of Zoro" or something," said Remus, "No originality. 2.3 out of 10."
"4.5 outta 10 I'd say," scored Sirius.
"Only because the best speech you've ever written in your life could be accomplished if not surpassed by a half asleep three year old."
"I resent that. A three year old can't write."
"You can barely either. Crabbe and Goyle write neater than you!"
"Correction. Only if they copied it from a sheet. They can barely spell anything longer than three letters."
"Touche."
"If I understood German, I would reply to that."
"You don't need to understand German. It's French."
"Oh. Well...je desire les escargots?"
"I take it you don't know French either."
"No...What was I actually saying?"
"I want to eat snails."
"I've actually had some before. They were a tad slimy but not bad."
"They're not meant to be slimy if they've been cooked properly."
"...You're supposed to cook them?"
"Oh Merlin."
"Soooo...Does anybody here want to remind me what we are doing in the broom closet all squished together?" asked Remus uncomfortably, panting slightly.
Remus was currently squashed between the chests' of Sirius and James in the dark, steamy confines of the Hogwarts broom closets. All three of them were hot, panting and slick with sweat.
James shifted his position.
His movement caused them all to squish together closer, nudging some very uncomfortable places as James reached down to his trousers, and pulled out his 11" wand.
And with it, he cast a space enlarging charm.
(A/N - Lol. I know that was kinda a bit wrong but I couldn't help but write it like that for a bit of a laugh. I wonder if there were any slash/yaoi fans reading and misinterpreted the whole thing! *squeal~ I guarantee there will be NO lemons and stuff like that. This is a T rated fic, but being a slash fan I couldn't help but just play around with it a bit. Sorry! I didn't dare imply more than I already wrote XD...
I just made up the space enlarging charm thing, but I'm sure they have one since the tents used are all out of proportion and James actually does have an 11" Mahogany wand. Dunno about his other one...My writing and pranks sure are getting wronger. Blame it on watching too much Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory.)
Now that they could freely move around without painfully elbowing each other, they all conjured themselves a glass of cold water and began on cooling and silencing charms.
"Do you reckon Lily's given up on chasing us yet?" asked Padfoot.
"Knowing her, I highly doubt it. She's as stubborn as a mule," said James.
"But she's been chasing us around the whole castle since this morning!" complained Padfoot, "I don't think I can run anymore!"
"You wouldn't know it seeing that all she ever seems to do is read, but Merlin does Lily have heaps of stamina!" said Remus.
"Shame she doesn't put it to better uses," said Sirius with a dreamy look on his face.
Remus and James smacked him upright at the back of his head.
"No naughty thoughts about my girlfriend thank you very much," said James with the faint signs of a blush.
"Correction. The girl who hates your arse more than Dumbledore's old wrinkly one," said Sirius.
Remus and James instantly shot a stunner at him, before attempting to obliviate themselves without much success.
"Oh well, since we're here with nothing to do," started Remus, "I might as well indulge myself with the aesthetic qualities of literature and continue my quest for erudition. So excuse me while I assuage my voracious appetite for knowledge with burbling celerity."
"Wow, I feel like I'm talking to Jane Austen reborn male version," stated James in a mixture of awe and confusion - but mostly confusion.
(A/N - I have no idea what the hell I just wrote. It probably doesn't even make sense. I need to read the sentence about five times before I get even half an idea of what the hell Jane Austen's even saying and sorry if it doesn't make sense or sound Jane Austen like at all. I've only read 8 chapters of Persuasion for school and it's going in one ear and out the other. Don't you reckon all the classics use a superfluous amount of words when writing?)
"Care to say that in English?" asked Sirius.
"It means, I'm going to read."
"Oh," said James, "Why didn't you just say so Moony?"
"If you wanna leave me don't hesitate to leave me just say so~" suddenly sang Sirius.
(Just Say So - Brian McFadden)
"Since when did Sirius know muggle hits?" asked Remus, raising an eyebrow as he conjured a nice comfy armchair to sit on.
"He asked me to convert some into magic files for him to use for our next prank," answered James, conjuring another armchair, following Moony's example.
"Just say so~"
"Some of us are trying to read here," said Remus whilst dodging a flailing limb of Sirius who was trying to dance to his horribly off tune voice without even looking up from his book, "So just shut up would you?"
"Shut up and drive, drive, drive~"
(Shut up and Drive - Rihanna)
"Good God. I hate Rihanna." (A/N - Yes I don't like Rihanna, if you do that's fine by me. It's just my personal opinion.)
"You can stand under my umbrella~ Ella, ella, ay ay ay~"
(Umbrella - Rihanna)
"Padfoot. If you don't shut up now, I'll sock you right in the face."
"Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Let's get into physical.~"
(Physical - Olivia Newton John)
"Listening to him sing that whilst the three of us are in a broom closet is really creeping me out," said Remus.
"Agreed. Sirius, if you don't shut up now, you'll be sorry you ever opened your mouth."
"It's too late to apologize, it's too late~ I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late~"
(Apologize - Timbaland)
James and Remus could do nothing but twitch.
"I know it might be wrong~but I'm in love with Stacy's mom~"
(Stacy's Mom - Fountain of Wayne)
"Thank god we don't have a Stacy at our school or this would be so awkward," said Remus.
"I reckon the only reason that song was so popular was because of the images in the music video," said James. (A/N - That's what I think anyway. If you haven't seen it, go look it up on Youtube or something. The later half of the video is just ridiculously perverted. So much so, that I feel sorry for the actor of Stacy's mum.)
"I'm too sexy for my shirt~ Too sexy for my shirt~ So sexy tha-"
(I'm too sexy - Right Said Fred)
"Silencio" both James and Remus cast.
"I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier," said James.
"To be fair, you had Rihanna playing. That certainly can't be too good for your brain."
"True."
"So, do you think it's safe to go out yet?"
"Dunno. Lily can be fairly stubborn; comes with being a red head I suppose." (A/N - No offense to red heads intended.)
"Why don't we throw Padfoot out to check for us?"
James looked at Sirius for a minute, contemplating whether he should throw out his best-friend for over 8 years of his entire life straight into the clutches of a mad maniac named Lily Evans. This poor helpless little boy that had been born with an obvious brain defect, tone deafness and narcissism, was currently silenced and sulking in the corner all by himself. The poor thing. Only a cruelly cruel, heartless soul would ever sacrifice someone as pitiful as that.
"Are you kidding me? Hell yeah! Prepare the sacrifice!"
So how was this chapter? Good and funny I hope. Sorry for the late update. I was in a holidayish mood cause of Christmas and New Years and everything.
I hope you guys all had a very merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.
The current results of the POLL for the funniest prank are:
Making Malfoy and Snape sing, "Barbie Girl" and the "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" (Ch8) - 3
The "We're gay and looking for new partners" announcement prank thing on Sirius and Remus (Ch13) - 3
The "Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down your beard!" prank (Ch16) - 3
The Griffindor Quidditch Chant (Ch17) - 2
Leeches in the Girls' Lavatory (Ch19) - 2
Forcing Malfoy and Snape kiss (Ch6) - 2
Locking James' and Lily's hands together (Ch16) - 1
Turning people's hair a different colour and forcing them to dance to Michael Jackson and Broadway (Ch16) - 1
"Sirius, you slept with Snape." (Ch18) Dunno if that counts as a prank, but lets just say it does. - 1
Making Malfoy wear a dress, Snape a tutu and Geoff a pro-Gryffie shirt and heels (Ch5) - 0
The Screaming Door (Ch15) - 0
Turning Geoff Hacksley into an egg shitting chicken birdman (Ch17) - 0
Each person can vote up to a maximum 5 times.
The poll is still open and at the top of my profile
PLEASE VOTE AND REVIEW!